![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
I'm in the midst of a very long-lasting anxiety attack, which is one of the most severe I've ever had, and certainly the most severe I've had since finally leaving the Agency From A Very Warm Climate. It's feeding a lot of obsessionality, with some of my usual obsessions, and it's frightening me a lot.
I won't go into all of the details, but I will tell about part of the rut I go into, which involves medication for depression and anxiety which might actually help the obsessionality.
All this started when I saw a new psychopharmacologist recommended by our marriage counselor. Because of my experiences with pdocs and meds, I'm very frightened by the whole thing. I don't need to be told that he's different, I know that he's not the same as the doctors I've had bad experiences with, and I know that I need to give him a chance. I can recognize the good signs I've already had from him during the first assessment. (We ran over time, by a fair amount, so I go back next week to finish the assessment.) He's said a bit about what he thinks in terms of diagnosis and treatment.
And I'm back on my carousel horse!
He gave me an idea of what medication he was leaning towards -- and I freaked out, and have been freaking out ever since. I think he's probably right, but as soon as I think about actually taking it, I turn into a complete basket case! I panic.
Then I start thinking about it, and telling myself that it might make me feel much better than I have been. That the doctor knows that I'm afraid of the side effects I've had in the past (with the same drug I think he's considering, as well as others), and that he's told me that he won't let that happen, that he can mitigate those problems. I know that there are ways to mitigate the problems, so they don't have to happen. But I've also heard about the side effects of those drugs, too. And I think about whether it would be worth it to take those, if they really are as bad as others have reported them to be. And I don't think I could handle it if it is that bad.
It's about this point in the cycle that I collapse inward, and decide it's not worth trying.
But then the cycle starts all over again.
The other thing is that I have gone to the first appointment, which was exhorbitantly expensive, and we won't be reimbursed for much of it. So, I feel as though I have to take something he prescribes, because otherwise I've just wasted a lot of money. So, I think about how I can take the drugs. And I remember how it was before, when I took them, and then I fall ever deeper into that obsessive rut.
And none of that even approaches issues like being afraid I won't be able to please the doctor, or that I'll try to please him so hard I'll manufacture improvements that aren't real -- this is something I do, and I'm not aware of it -- or that he'll get frustrated and tell me the drugs are working and I'll just have to get used to the side effects, or the sky will fall in. I don't even know what I'm really afraid of. I think I'm just experiencing generic fright. ;-}
There's another fear, too, that started this afternoon. I've been so frightened, so anxious, for days now. (I know it's not entirely visible outside me, because my husband was shocked when I nearly jumped out of my chair earlier when he said hello as he walked by.) Right now, my throat hurts from having been so tight for so long, and I'm just plain worn out. But a little while ago, I had to write something for homework, and it ended up longer than the assignment, and a little silly -- it's OK, for this assignment -- and so I jumped to "maybe I'm not depressed and anxious -- maybe I'm bipolar!" I don't know why that frightens me so much. Maybe just something to do with having to revise my self-image so radically at the age of forty-nevermind. I've been unipolar for twenty some years. Anxiety disorder was added two years ago, and that sent me through a maelstrom of terror. My T diagnosed OCD within the last year and a half, which somehow doesn't seem so real, so it only sent me spinning for a few days. This pdoc changed the anxiety from "Anxiety Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" to "Generalized Anxiety Disorder," and that sent a freezing chill down my spine. I know he has to rule bipolar in or out as part of his assessment, but I'm still so frightened that he'll decide I am bipolar, and I'll be required to take a medication which might be as bad as the others I've taken.
And some of that is truly irrational: I've had three or four different pdocs or therapists assess me for bipolar over the years, when they thought I might be, and all of them have ruled it out. Most of them have said that the negative symptoms they see really are just anxiety, and the positive symptoms seem to be what my personality would have been without the difficulties of my formative years. (Including the depression those difficulties triggered.) After all these years, maybe I'd trust that, but I don't.
Sorry, I know I got way too long. I don't even know why I felt the need to write this, and I'll probably regret it in the morning. (OMG! That's a sure sign of bipolar, isn't it? Grrr... &^%^%&^$^** obsessions!) If you've made it this far, congratulations! I'm sorry there's no prize, but you certainly deserve one for your tenacity.
Maybe I'm hoping someone has something to say that might help in some way? I don't know what it could be, though. I suppose if I did know, I'd have said it to myself, right? So, if you can think of anything to say, please say it! If nothing else, that might shut me up...
Posted by MidnightBlue on October 22, 2006, at 0:06:04
In reply to Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long), posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
Racer,
I made it all the way to the bottom of your post. And the prize is I get is to try and help you! I, too, can become terrified of taking a new med. After 6 days of a new antibiotic,(I hadn't taken one in 8 years) I'm finally convinced I won't fall over dead from taking it. :-)
I, too, have been unipolar forever. I, too, have had quite a bit of anxiety which no one ever properly addressed.
I, too have wondered, feared, that I might be bipolar. And some doctors even suggested it. After all there were those times I talked fast and actually got a lot done! But I never really fit the bipolar test.I'm a non responder. I come from a long line of anxious women. And I don't want to have to take another med that might make me fat. Errr fatter...
So I feel your pain. Try to take the med for just one day. And then another day. Have a "safe person" with you who understands you are a bit nuts on this and swears they will call for help if you keel over.
I hope that helps a bit. For what it is worth I think going to a psychopharmacologist is a good idea.
MB
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 0:23:45
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » Racer, posted by MidnightBlue on October 22, 2006, at 0:06:04
> Racer,
>
> I made it all the way to the bottom of your post. And the prize is I get is to try and help you!Thank you. I appreciate not only your help, but also that you read the whole dang thing!
> I'm a non responder. I come from a long line of anxious women. And I don't want to have to take another med that might make me fat. Errr fatter...
Yeah, that's part of it. And it's a hard part for me to get past. (Gee, you'd almost think I had issues around weight and food, huh? And through two and a half hours of assessment, I never once mentioned having an eating disorder...)
>
> So I feel your pain. Try to take the med for just one day. And then another day.That's part of what makes this so hard -- if I do that, I'll be taking the medication. How crazy is that? The idea of taking it is so overwhelming. {shrug} I know I'm nuts, but it really does feel as though the world will end if I do take it.
>Have a "safe person" with you who understands you are a bit nuts on this and swears they will call for help if you keel over.
:-) Yeah, there's an idea. Sure makes me wish I wasn't so isolated. My husband will try to help, he's good that way. I'm the problem, and I know that.
>
> I hope that helps a bit. For what it is worth I think going to a psychopharmacologist is a good idea.
>
> MBIt does help, and I thank you. At least I know I've got company I can enjoy in this cuckoo's nest...
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 9:02:06
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » MidnightBlue, posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 0:23:45
Hi Racer,
I made it to the bottom of your post too. It went by really fast, because your writing is well-organized.It sounds like you've created a sizeable chunk of your identity around a diagnostic label. In my case, the diagnostic label was "healthy". Imagine my surprise when I turned 27 and all hell breaks loose! No longer mentally "healthy" what AM I?
It's very natural to be sufferring an existential crisis at this point. If you wanted to maintain a sense of your identity you can do a few things
1) ask the pdoc to treat your symptoms, and tell him that you're not interested in what your diagnosis is.
2) tell yourself that you are more than X Y Z (where xy&z are labels such as depression, OCD, ...)
3) focus on the things that remain consistent in your life- the cats, the husband, the passion for fibrous fluffies and spinning, knitting?, etc that you do.
4) I sent my pdoc an agonizing e-mail where I told him that I was afraid I was only getting better and answering questions about my improvement because I wanted to "please" him.
5) Same e-mail I told him about my acute anxiety that was occuring with increasing frequency as well as my tonic levels of anxiety that he had always insisted that "cymbalta is really good for anxiety"
6) Write it down when you're at your worst. Type it out, print it. When you're feeling better, you'll want to deny it to your docs, yourself, your cats. Having a record of how AWFUL you feel is really important. Then it makes sharing it a lot easier.
7) Part of you wants to get better. Try hard to listen to THAT voice, because the other voice, that says - "resist taking [new drugs]! Don't listen to pdoc! we LIKE feeling this way!" - is a liar.
8) I'm so glad you could tell babble that you were in such discomfort. Will you be able to talk about this existential crisis with someone IRL? Your husband, or a friend, or a mental health professional? Sometimes just saying it aloud really helps.
9) You're not alone.
10) You are a complicated woman, with very interesting, diverse interests and expertise. You are multi-faceted, and that's what I like most about you. To try to reduce yourself to some list of acronyms that stand for 5/9 symptoms in a text somewhere, well, I think it's a grave injustice to yourself, and to people who admire you!
-Li
Posted by sunnydays on October 22, 2006, at 10:10:01
In reply to Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long), posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
I read the whole thing too. :) And really appreciated you writing it. I also get really scared of taking medications. I get worried that the antidepressant that I've been taking for almost two years which has only helped me is now *causing* this new bout of depression and the idea floats through my mind to stop taking it without telling my pdoc. I'm trying to keep in mind that the last time I stopped (and my pdoc agreed I could) I got much worse, so I keep taking it. But I'm scared to death the pdoc will prescribe another medication when I see her next, and that will mean I'm *really* crazy. Although I don't think that of anyone else who takes multiple medications, just myself.
So, I know where you're coming from. I think Lindenbluete had really good advice about how to ground yourself a little from the anxiety. Can you talk to your T about how you've been feeling? Would your husband be supportive? The more support you can get the better, so try to tell at least one other person IRL how you've been feeling so you can get some support. But make sure you trust them to be supportive. You don't need to add on any hurt.
Good luck Racer. Keep us posted.
sunnydays
Posted by madeline on October 22, 2006, at 10:40:24
In reply to Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long), posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
Racer,
I am so sorry you are mid-anxiety right now. I've been there and it really sucks. It's the constant grinding in my head that makes me feel so out of my mind.
I think it is interesting how different people react to diagnosis. Some people hear the words bipolar or chronic depression and they immediately relax against it. "So THAT's what is wrong with me". I'm not crazy - I am SICK!
Others fight the diagnosis all the way - seemingly spurred on by a desire to remain "perfect" despite the life-altering symptoms they may be experiencing.
Neither approach is right. Although the previous might be easier.
It seems to me that it comes down to some decisions on your part.
Do you think the side effects of the drugs recommended for you are going to be worse than the symptoms they are designed to alleviate?
Is having a diagnosis of ANY value to your treatment?
Is this issue really a problem for you or is it something that the anxiety has just attached itself to?
I can't tell you what to do about your situation, in fact there is very little I can do to offer you comfort about it right now.
Except to possibly say you need a break from it. Somehow, someway you need to find some peace in your mind.
I guess we all do.
I'm thinking about you today.
Maddie.
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 13:17:55
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 9:02:06
> Hi Racer,
> I made it to the bottom of your post too. It went by really fast, because your writing is well-organized.Thank you so much for saying that. It means more to me than you might know to hear that.
>
> It sounds like you've created a sizeable chunk of your identity around a diagnostic label.That's also part of that whole trauma at the agency that treated me. Before that, it never bothered me. All the other times I'd been assessed for bipolar, my reaction was basically, "Oh. OK. Is this being manic? Does that mean I won't feel this good once it's treated? That's a drag..." The only time diagnosis seemed more important to me was with the eating disorder -- I tried to ask for help with that several times over the years, only to be told that I didn't look very thin, or that I'd never been diagnosed as having a problem, or something else equally frustrating.
But that agency treated diagnosis as all the information anyone would ever need about it, and the only insight I'd ever need into myself. It didn't help that they got the diagnosis wrong, which led to treatment that did even more damage. Now, even though I have all sorts of rational reactions -- maybe it would lead to more effective treatment, it's only a number on my chart that the insurance company will look at, etc -- there's also a huge phobic reaction as well.
>
> 2) tell yourself that you are more than X Y Z (where xy&z are labels such as depression, OCD, ...)See, that's not what the fear is about. The fear doesn't come from my not knowing that I'm more than that -- the fear is that the diagnosis will affect my treatment. That knowing I have an anxiety disorder will lead to the doctor saying, "Oh, you're only experiencing anxiety -- you only think you're experiencing [side effect x], it's really only anxiety." Or "you haven't gained all that much weight, and the only reason you're upset is that you've got an eating disorder." Or "it's only that you're mentally ill than makes you think you're having trouble with memory and cognition." Or even, "there's no point in trying to treat you, because you're so screwed up nothing's going to help you."
And don't say that isn't going to happen, since that's very much what has happened in the past.
>
> 4) I sent my pdoc an agonizing e-mail where I told him that I was afraid I was only getting better and answering questions about my improvement because I wanted to "please" him.I wrote an outline to take to my next appointment with him -- on Tuesday -- with some of my fears. Very basic: I'm afraid of all this, and I'm aware that it's an irrational fear, despite elements of reality to it; I'm likely to panic about any medication, and there's not much that the doctor can do about that except know that it's virtually certain to happen; and that I have a history of "manufacturing" improvements to please doctors, although I don't know when I'm doing it or when it's real, so he should probably keep in close contact with my T -- who sometimes does miss worsening of my depression from drugs, but is still the best litmus test I can think of.
>
> 6) Write it down when you're at your worst. Type it out, print it. When you're feeling better, you'll want to deny it to your docs, yourself, your cats. Having a record of how AWFUL you feel is really important. Then it makes sharing it a lot easier.Sorry, but -- do you *know* me? Have you been spying on me? lol Always makes me smile a bit to know I'm not the only nut out there ;-)
I'm a hazelnut, because I'm little and round. What sort of nut are you?
>
> 7) Part of you wants to get better. Try hard to listen to THAT voice, because the other voice, that says - "resist taking [new drugs]! Don't listen to pdoc! we LIKE feeling this way!" - is a liar.I don't have a voice saying "we like feeling this way." I have a voice saying, "PLEASE help me! But it's not help if it makes me feel as bad as though drugs did in the past, so I guess I'm stuck with this." It's good friends with the voice that says, "I deserve to feel this crappy." I say it's the Calvinist in my soul, my husband says it's the squirrel in my tree.
Remember in all this: the medications he's talking about are drugs I've taken before. This isn't just fear of the unknown, nor fear of drugs similar to ones I've taken in the past. These are the actual drugs themselves. That makes it harder still to get past it all.
>
> 8) I'm so glad you could tell babble that you were in such discomfort. Will you be able to talk about this existential crisis with someone IRL? Your husband, or a friend, or a mental health professional? Sometimes just saying it aloud really helps.
>I tried. That's also part of my current turmoil. I didn't feel very satisfied by therapy the other day -- my T kept saying that I needed to walk into his office without fear, because this is a different doctor. I kept saying, "well, it's not like I've had a good experience with a pdoc in the past twenty years -- best I've experienced so far is not terrible. Of course I'm frightened." I didn't figure out until later that I didn't feel validated, and certainly didn't feel as though I was getting credit just for going in there -- and I do think I deserve some credit for that.
So, I'm going back on Tuesday to finish the assessment and find out what medication he's going to add. And I really don't want to go. And I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't die from taking the drugs before -- although every time I try to think that sort of thing, to remind myself that it doesn't have to be forever, that if it turns bad on me I can stop, etc, I collapse inward on myself.
And I can't seem to put it out of my mind. I think it's like trying not to think of a white bear.
{sigh} And I'm behind in both my classes, and was ready to drop both of them, and just feel as though I'm failing utterly at everything right now. So, I'm going to go do something about the homework due tomorrow, and get all the way caught up in my other class -- which I really feel horrible about -- and hope that something about all that will help me feel more able.
Thank you all, I appreciate the words from you all, even if I"m only answer one of you directly. (I had a timer going, so I would get to homework instead of being sucked in to the web...)
Posted by Poet on October 22, 2006, at 13:26:30
In reply to Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long), posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
Hi Racer,
Dr. Clueless, despite my nickname for her, is a psychopharmacologist, while I do not have Asperger's like she seems to think I do, she does seem to understand meds. In other words I trust her meds recommendations and not any DX she tries to pin on me.
When she suggested Seroquel for my chronic insomnia she said *I am not saying you're psychotic.* She must have in her notes, patient gets angry when I try to suggest she has issues other than depression and social anxiety. Damn right patient gets angry.
So, my advice is to ignore any new Dxs thrown your way and if pdoc suggests the med you're afraid he will, tell him about the side effects you previously experienced and what he thinks you would have to do to avoid them this time around. In other words trust his meds ideas and ignore that label.
You don't have to tell him about your anorexia and fear of weight gain. Just tell him that you gained weight last time on the med and leave it at that. The one really good thing about Clurless is she never asks about bulimia. I told her at the first appointment, but that is the only time I mentioned it. Expdoc asked each and every time, like, here comes the social anxiety dysthymic with recurring major depression bulimic. Let't start out by asking her how much she weighs...Argh.
You are not your DX, you are Racer, a unique person and there is nothing wrong with that.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 22, 2006, at 13:29:04
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » Racer, posted by Poet on October 22, 2006, at 13:26:30
I really like that answer, Poet.
I think it sort of reflects how I'd like my pdoc relationships to be.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 15:26:35
In reply to Thank you all, and in response to » Lindenblüte, posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 13:17:55
After careful consideration, my husband has decided that I am a chestnut.
Why?
"I dunno, I never had a chestnut"
Why did you say I'm a chestnut?!?
"I think you should be peanuts."So, you worry that because you've got a number stamped on your forehead, you've got less right to suffer or feel? That your feelings are either real to you in the moment, or complete lunacy when the feeling has passed? That doctors will call you a hypochondriac, in terms of your mental symptoms? Do you take your own feelings seriously?
Sorry for that interrogation :( I hate interrogating!
Hmm let's see... Here's how my last pdoc visit went. This is the one from 5 days ago, when he asked me how things are going since major med changes:
"umm... okay... I'm a little tired... hard to get up in the morning...work is okay... I'm super stressed out... been feeling pretty depressed... suicidal feelings diminished..."
and the ellipses are symbolic of the random mumblings of an unprepared patient, who's worried that the doctor might misinterpret her- think she's addicted to benzodiazepine if I say that it's been helpful.
Is this a problem about Racer interpreting her Self, or a problem about Racer's Self being misinterpreted by her new pdoc?
I'm confused. Not that I'm not ALWAYS confused, but I thought this was an existential crisis. Now I'm not convinced that it is? or maybe not? or maybe has some elements of existential crisis? or?
Remember that your body is different than it was the last time you took those drugs. Ask your pdoc if you can do a slow, even titration, rather than go up in big stages or start right away at a therapeutic dose.
Remember that your new pdoc may be like my pdoc, who gives me one med to help me with the side effects of the other drug ... etc. You may not have to suffer with the same sideeffects that you did earlier, especially if you use a few drugs that "augment" I LOVE that word! each other.
What are the soul-suckers from Azkaban called? Augmentors? Why do I have that association?
Hope your homework got done in little chunks in between your squirrel running around in the limbs and frantically burying acorns.
My husband has just told me that he feels jealous, because I write to "these people" (psycho-babble) a lot. I just told him that I'd write to him a lot too, if ever wrote to me. *grin*. point taken. Now he's back to serenading me with Schumann and asking me for a music lesson, which I'm unwilling to give. I'm trying my best to ignore him, as he asks me about various phrases and such...
pdockery is so much more interesting than Schumann. Poor Schumann...
I'm suffering from acute excessive perspiration of ellipses. They are dripping... all over... the page...
xoxo Racer,
-Li
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 16:16:03
In reply to Re: Thank you all, and in response to » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 15:26:35
> After careful consideration, my husband has decided that I am a chestnut.
> Why?
> "I dunno, I never had a chestnut"
> Why did you say I'm a chestnut?!?
> "I think you should be peanuts."And yet he never considered you a cashew? Complex in shape, texture, and taste? Delicious and sweet? That was my first thought for you...
>
> So, you worry that because you've got a number stamped on your forehead, you've got less right to suffer or feel? That your feelings are either real to you in the moment, or complete lunacy when the feeling has passed? That doctors will call you a hypochondriac, in terms of your mental symptoms? Do you take your own feelings seriously?By Jove, I think she's on to something! Yeah, that's getting closer to the problem. And remember: I can't define the problem, it's kinda like the square root of 2... And no, I don't think I do take my own feelings seriously.
>
> Sorry for that interrogation :( I hate interrogating!Actually, in this case, interrogate away. Again -- this is fear without ratios, the more interrogation, the closer I get to defining it, which helps me build a plan to combat it.
> Is this a problem about Racer interpreting her Self, or a problem about Racer's Self being misinterpreted by her new pdoc?
It's largely a problem with Racer's Self's interpretation of her new pdoc's possible interpretations and misinterpretations of said Self... Much less existential, and much more distrustful.
All of it probably relates to my general and generic fear of having to ask for something or trust someone to provide something to help meet my needs. It's all part of my pattern of trying NOT to need, because that's easier than having unfulfilled needs because no one came through for me. At least, I think it is. I think that's got a lot to do with all this.
Of course, I've got a painful tension in my upper throat which usually indicates to me that I'm hiding something else from myself, so who knows what it's really about...
>
> I'm confused. Not that I'm not ALWAYS confused, but I thought this was an existential crisis. Now I'm not convinced that it is? or maybe not? or maybe has some elements of existential crisis? or?Dunno. I'm living in a state of confusion, so I guess we might be neighbors? I'm living in Confusion, at the intersection of Fear and Shame. Are you in the area? Maybe we can have tea.
>
> Remember that your body is different than it was the last time you took those drugs. Ask your pdoc if you can do a slow, even titration, rather than go up in big stages or start right away at a therapeutic dose.Honestly, my terror of these drugs doesn't seem to be dose-dependent. I suspect that my problems are just as bad no matter what the actual effects of the drug. I'm thinking right now that it probably makes sense to try to hit a therapeutic window as fast as possible, because if it actually treats the anxiety, *that's* what's going to reduce my panic.
He said that if he started me on Zoloft, he'd start me at 12.5mg, half the lowest dose made. I'm afraid that doing that means that I'll never reach a therapeutic dose, because I'll freak out too much to titrate up to it before I stop taking it. No matter what dose I start with, I'm likely to need just as much support to get through the adjustment phase, because of the very symptom this is designed to treat.
>
> Remember that your new pdoc may be like my pdoc, who gives me one med to help me with the side effects of the other drug ... etc. You may not have to suffer with the same sideeffects that you did earlier, especially if you use a few drugs that "augment" I LOVE that word! each other.That's another part of the trouble: I do know the drugs available to treat the side effects I've had in the past -- and I know their side effects, too. It's thinking about all that that leaves me ready to stick with Wellbutrin -- and being subject to week long anxiety attacks. {sigh}
> Hope your homework got done in little chunks in between your squirrel running around in the limbs and frantically burying acorns.
Actually, I arranged with one instructor to retake an exam I not only "failed" by my own standards, but came very close to failing by ANY standards. I managed that on Friday, yesterday I got caught up in the past due work, and today in the current work, all in that one class. Some of it is pretty shoddy work, but even if it's not perfect, it is completed and that's what I was aiming at.
Now I'm taking a break before doing the homework due tomorrow in the other class, after which I'll try to get caught up in actually understanding what I'm doing in that class. (This is where some cognitive effects of the hormones I was on earlier in the term have really bitten my backside. Even things I know I understood two months ago seem to be lost -- it's like I can "feel" them right outside grasping range. VERY frustrating.)
Thank you, my elliptical BabbleBuddie.
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 16:26:39
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » Racer, posted by Poet on October 22, 2006, at 13:26:30
>
> So, my advice is to ignore any new Dxs thrown your way ... In other words trust his meds ideas and ignore that label.It's not the label itself I'm afraid of, though. It's *his reaction* to that label, or maybe his reaction to me after he applies the label.
I just realized something: I'm afraid of something completely beyond my control. I'm afraid of his actions and his reactions to those actions. I guess I'm afraid of not being seen/heard/perceived in all this.
I wonder where that comes from? One would almost think that something like that had occurred in the past, wouldn't one? {rolls eyes} I guess I can be a little slow on the uptake...
Thank you for triggering that insight on my part. I guess I gotta "keep telling myself I'm adequate," huh?
>
> You don't have to tell him about your anorexia and fear of weight gain. Just tell him that you gained weight last time on the med and leave it at that.I did tell him the amounts I've gained on the other drugs. I'm afraid, though, that if he finds out through my T or our MC, it's going to affect his willingness to prescribe Ritalin... :-} In fact, it might be part of the reason I hope he does continue to prescribe the Ritalin... I'm not sure about that whole thing...
>
> You are not your DX, you are Racer, a unique person and there is nothing wrong with that.
>
> PoetNo, can't be much wrong with being Racer, since I seem to have earned a Poetical friend.
But again -- I'm not so much afraid of what the dx is. I do know that I'm not whatever that dx is, truly I know that. It's only that I'm afraid of how I'll be treated based on that dx.
I think I'm also just plain afraid right now. I should probably not answer anyone on this thread, since I think I'm probably only going to succeed in frustrating everyone here beyond limits. Sorry if I've already done that...
Posted by Poet on October 22, 2006, at 17:42:56
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long), posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 16:26:39
Hi Racer,
My T would say that you're projecting because you aren't worried about what the DX might be, you're worried about what the pdoc's reaction to it will be. Same thing I do when I am afraid of being rejected- I'm not afraid of what I will say I'm afraid of how they will react to what I say. This is why even if I know the answer in class I still put up my shield of invisibility so the instructor doesn't dare call on me.
Of course knowing that I am projecting never stops me from doing it. Even though the movie is over and everyone has left the theatre, Poet's mental projector has a reel of film flapping 'round and 'round. Sorry that your mental projector is stuck in overdrive, too.
Poet
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 18:15:31
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions » Racer, posted by Poet on October 22, 2006, at 17:42:56
I've started a list of questions to ask him about things like how he defines successful treatment, what he does about various side effects, etc. At this point, I suspect some of you have better ideas than I do about what questions might be relevant, so if you'd like to offer suggestions, please do.
So far, it's pretty much just what I've written above: how do you define successful treatment and how do you measure it; how do you deal with side effects A, B, and C; how do you decide when to raise a dose or change a med; how long before you decide a med isn't working? At some point, I should ask him more about his policy about between visit contacts, too, but I'm truly too frightened to do that yet.
When I first stopped going to that hellish agency for therapy, the first therapist I saw asked me to call and leave a message for her every weekend, just checking in, and would call me to find out why I hadn't if I didn't. Even at the time, I recognized that that was a very good thing for her to do -- because it gave me more than permission to call if I needed her, you know? Now, though, when it's "you can call and leave a message if you need to," from my T, I mostly can't make up my mind that I need to. Sometimes I think it would be good to have it assigned to me -- "leave at least one message per week, even if it's just to say you don't need to." But as soon as I think that, I follow it up with the sorts of things that I was told by those other people: "calling just shows that you're too dependent, that you're unwilling to do anything to help yourself; you have to do all this yourself, you know; no one can do it for you."
I have similar fears about starting the medications. The doctor has told me that I "can always contact him via email with concerns about medications or to report side effects," so that they can be addressed right away. The problem is, I know that in the moment, I can't decide that something really counts, that it really will be OK to contact him about it, that it really won't just end up with him being upset with me for bothering him. I wish that someone would suggest scheduled check ins, but I'm afraid if I suggest something like that, they'll say I'm too demanding and need to get over it. I'm also afraid to talk to my T about quite this issue, although we've talked about my issues about calling her between sessions a little.
Dagnabit. I am just not fond of experiencing these sensations attached to these "feelings" -- I'm just not very skilled with feelings, it seems. Not sure I want to get any more experience with them, either -- being in the next time zone from them seems close enough. I'm not even on a first name basis with them, for heaven's sake! Why on earth would they want to spend so much time with me?
OK, I'm going to do some homework while I wait for the projector repairman to show up...
This is the end of the thread.
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