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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 55. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
Yesterday, I don't know what got into me, but I emailed my ex T from three years ago, who moved away in the middle of my therapy, and asked for a phone session.
I'm seeing another T now, for a couple of years, and she's good I think. We've talked in therapy about how I want to talk to my ex-T, and are trying to work out what I need or miss that I think he can give me. The general tone has been that I should use this impulse to give me insight.
Well, after my session, I got fed up with trying to dissect and analyze it. It's messy and complicated, and probably not ever going to be clear or helpful to understand. I just want to talk to him, OK? I just want to hear his voice, and feel like I used to when I talked to him, because it was good. End of story.
So, I emailed him and asked if we could do a phone session sometime. No reply so far. Yikes, what if he doesn't write back? Why did I choose the Friday before labor day to ask? Oh, what was I thinking? Maybe his spam filter is elminating me. Should I email him again if he doesn't reply?
Sometimes I'm a mystery to myself.
peg
Posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 14:08:52
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
Do you have his phone number? That would get around any spam filter.
I do occasional phone sessions... they're better than nothing, and maybe better than what you're getting now!
Posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 15:20:35
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
I think we imprint the therapist(s) we get close to in ways that can't be articulated nor fully understood.
The research is interesting in that patients (clients) who get better, often do so by imitating a particular characteristic of the therapist they are attached to, and the stability of that therapist is what keeps the client together. And this can't be just "switched" to anyone else.
I love Dinah's analogy of "therapists aren't washing machines that can be traded in or just replaced" -- or something along those lines. Yes, they serve a function. But it is so much more than that, isn't it?
Also, I believe you made a good move in emailing. When something nags at you like this, confronting it, for better or worse, gets you unstuck. And yes, sometimes late is just late.
I hope you hear from him soon.
Posted by happyflower on September 2, 2006, at 15:28:36
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 15:20:35
> The research is interesting in that patients (clients) who get better, often do so by imitating a particular characteristic of the therapist they are attached to, and the stability of that therapist is what keeps the client together. And this can't be just "switched" to anyone else.
I don't want to interupt this thread, but I really
would like to read about this research, Daisy.It sounds very interesting. Do you know where to find it? Thanks!
Posted by happyflower on September 2, 2006, at 15:30:32
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
Hi pegasus,
You know you asked for what YOU needed! That step for many is HUGE!!! I agree with the others that it sounds like you did the right thing, allowing something like this to fester longer will drive you crazy in the long run. Good for you ! ;-)
Posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 20:45:45
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 14:08:52
Yes, I have his phone number. I think I'll give him a week to respond, and then I'll call. I'm just feel so much more comfortable with email. Maybe *because* it doesn't demand immediate attention.
I think phone sessions would be fine with me. Personally, if I could have my own way, I'd ditch my current therapist and do phone therapy with my ex. But they both seem to think that it's better if I have "in person" therapy. Sigh.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 20:54:20
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 15:20:35
Yes, exactly. I don't know about the research, but I know in my heart that what you say about imprinting and not being able to switch is true. All the good juicy therapeutic relationship stuff just does not transfer. It's like he was another parent.
And . . . I'm just tired of trying to articulate what I feel about that. I'm tired of being denied a relationship that was so helpful, just because he moved away. I'm tired of wedging myself into another relationship that simply doesn't fit as well.
thanks much for understanding
p
Posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 20:57:35
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by happyflower on September 2, 2006, at 15:30:32
Thanks hf. I wish what I really wanted here was feasible. I just want to do therapy with him again, however that has to happen. By phone is fine by me. And actually I regularly travel to where he lives now, because my family is also there. So it's not out of the question that I could see him in person now and then. But the Ts involved don't seem to think that it's ok to do that. So, I at least want to see what it feels like to talk to him one more time again. Maybe it'll suck, and then I can move on more easily. Or maybe not, and I'll be comforted. Whatever. I don't even have any specific expectation. I just have that want that I'm tired of denying.
p
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2006, at 21:04:54
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 15:20:35
I love what you wrote. It seems so right to me.
Posted by pegasus on September 4, 2006, at 12:29:13
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
OK, so he's on vacation for labor day, right? I'll probably hear from him tomorrow morning. Or maybe he's just not checking his email for a few days. He was never very diligent about checking email. And, I can always call him if I don't hear back soon.
Right?
Or maybe he's taking his time trying to figure out how to phrase saying no. Or maybe he just doesn't want to deal with me right now, and I'm on a list of "to do" chores for sometime in the future. Or maybe he's forgotten to reply. Or maybe his hard drive crashed and he never got the email.
p
Posted by sunnydays on September 4, 2006, at 13:15:14
In reply to Still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 4, 2006, at 12:29:13
He's probably not working because of labor day. My T doesn't work on Labor Day. Give him until the end of the week.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on September 4, 2006, at 15:26:17
In reply to Still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 4, 2006, at 12:29:13
Posted by happyflower on September 4, 2006, at 17:06:21
In reply to Re: Still no reply :-( Sorry. Long weekends suck (nm) » pegasus, posted by muffled on September 4, 2006, at 15:26:17
Posted by shrinking violet on September 4, 2006, at 20:21:55
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
Wow, that is such a huge step, asking for what you feel you need from your former T. I'm in a similar situation, although I'm not sure I'm ready for any sort of direct communication/confrontation yet (I've been planning for over a year now to write a letter to her that tells her everything that I feel/felt about what happened between us but I'm *still* putting it off)....Good for you for taking care of yourself. Have you told your current T yet? I hope your former T responds to you.
-SV
Posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 9:49:11
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
Maybe he's sleeping in late? Maybe he's busy and didn't check his email this morning? Maybe he took the whole week off, because of Labor Day? Maybe I'm a royal pain in his *ss, and he's ignoring me?
Did I purposely (if unconsciously) choose the Friday before a holiday weekend to make my request? If so, is it some form of masochism? Maybe I'm afraid of a reply, and trying to line things up so I can string along hope for as long as possible.
p
Posted by Dinah on September 5, 2006, at 9:55:38
In reply to no, no, no reply, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 9:49:11
:(
It was so brave of you to reach out like that. I'm sorry he didn't respond sooner.
Perhaps he's thinking, and wants to sort out what he's thinking before he responds.
I wish sometimes that they really understood. I guess maybe they don't, because what's true for some of us isn't true for all clients. But I wish they really understood what's true for at least some of us.
Posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
sorry to jump into this thread at the end, but I had a thought... but is it possible that he accidentally deleted your email because he didnt recognize the email address, or recognize it quickly enough? I'm at a university so I receive a ton of emails and there has been more than one time where I've glanced at an email address, not recognized it immediately, and deleted it, only later to realize it was important. Or deleted an obviously important one that accidently got in the middle of a bunch of "enlarge your genitalia" and "claim your free money from pakistan" junk.
I dont know your situation with him or how much youve emailed in the past, but I was just wondering about that. Could it be that it isnt personal at all and just a silly mistake on his part?
Posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 17:53:43
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
I agree with wishingstar, it isn't you. He could be on vacation or might have deleted your email by mistake . So I would do a follow up call . Plus if he is on vacation, I would think his voice mail would say so.
Posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:42:37
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 17:53:43
Well, good thought. I just called and his voicemail doesn't say anything about being out. I should have just left a message, but I chickened out. Plus I was on my new blackberry from work, and have no idea how to operate the damn thing. I couldn't even figure out how to hang up for a minute. Doh!
Maybe I need to just call back and leave a proper message. I'll consider that.
Thanks for the advice. I don't have much ability to think clearly on this one, so I'm afraid I'm behaving totally irrationally.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
Well, this is definitely a possibility. I mean, it always is, right? But I have emailed him in the past, and he has responded. I email him every few months, actually. About every other time he writes back with a brief but warm message. So, I wouldn't think he'd delete my email right away, but then again, you never know. Like you said, spam can tangle things up.
I think if I don't hear from him tomorrow, I'll send a message to his other email address. I sent this one to his home address, where I usually write him. But I also have a work address for him.
For some reason, I'm too chicken to call him.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
Well, still no reply today. I sent him another email to his other address, and I got a message back saying that that address was no longer valid. Fortunately, it gave me a new address to try. I guess he has a new job? Anyway, I sent my email to that address too. Hopefully I'll hear something today. If not, I'm going to eventually have to call and leave a voicemail. If the phone # I have for him is still any good. I'm starting to get pretty nervous. Maybe I've lost him . . .
p
Posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 9:56:59
In reply to still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
Peg, I've been caught in the spam-trap before. I think that's what happened -- especially since it was the long weekend. My inbox emptys every three days on it's own, so if he wasn't checking on the weekend then it's likely that something similar could've happened. [others have probably said this already, sorry]
I think email is really risky that way. It's so hard cause you don't even KNOW if he got to read it. I don't think any T would actually read a message (esp from a former patient) and not return even the simplest response. Even if it was only to say something like, "I hear ya, but can't talk". I just can't believe that your T wouldn't acknowledge you in any way. Do you think that you could call, only to leave a message, that lets him know, "Hi it's Peg. Just wanted to warn you that I've sent you an email." ? It would definately be scary but is it any worse than not knowing?
If you have lost him, I wonder if he'd be findable. If he was accredited and still practicing somewhere, then if all else failed, your T now could probably get new contact info from his professional association. Even if it's not listed publicly a fellow colleague could ask for it with more luck.
...I think...I'd assume. I'm just blubbering on you know ;-)((((peg))))) I have faith he wouldn't ignore you on purpose.
hugs while you're waiting, EL
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 10:12:27
In reply to still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
Elaine's right. You can always track him down through his licensing board. I tracked down my psychiatrist from 1974. :)
But hopefully the new email address will work, or the phone number will.
I have my fingers crossed for you.
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 10:15:22
In reply to Re: still no reply » pegasus, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 9:56:59
I'm sure you're right. Eventually I'll call. I did call the other day, to see if he had a vacation message on. He didn't. And . . . hey . . . that means that I haven't lost him. I forgot. Duh, this anxiety makes me stupid.
I'm going to give him until tomorrow to reply, and then I'm going to call him. I was really hoping this would be easier. I feel like a dope having to leave two emails and a voicemail to get him to say whether he'll still talk to me!
Thanks for waiting with me. It helps.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 12:42:21
In reply to Thanks » ElaineM, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 10:15:22
Here's what he said:
"Tell me a little more about the phone session. I'm not opposed to it, but would like to know more about why now, what we would be discussing, etc. Also, are you still working with the therapist you told me about before?"
Here's what I'm thinking about replying:
"OK, that's fair. Yes, I am still seeing the same therapist. And we've been talking about why I want to talk to you. There are lots of possible reasons that we've discussed, but none of them feels like it captures the whole picture. It's like a koan. I think the answer might be . . . that I want to talk to you.
The reason I'm asking you now is kinda complicated. I've been trying to take the impulse to call you and work on it in therapy to come to some kind of insight etc., and I've just gotten tired of it. I want to finally talk to you, instead of talking about talking to you.
In terms of what we would be discussing, I'm trying to think of what the right answer would be. Or what the wrong answers might be. I'm not asking you to take me on again as a client. I'm still working with my therapist here, and plan to keep going with that. But . . . I don't know. All that stuff from my therapy with you doesn't seem to transfer. And I guess I'm not ready to give it up for gone yet.
Sorry I can't be more specific. I don't know exactly what I want to discuss with you. I hope that's ok. "
Do you think he'll say no to that? Do you think I need to come up with a list of actual topics to discuss, and a better reason for asking?
I'm so glad you guys are here. I'm kinda freaking out.
p
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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