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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
Dr. Clueless asked me if I'm all right. When I walked into T's office, she gave me a worried look and asked if I'm okay.
I am not all right. I am not okay. I know I'm depressed. The catch is why.
Is it because
I am tapering off of Effexor XR and it's withdrawal? Though it's taken a year to go from 300mg to 75mg and I never felt depressed until I went from 112.50mg to 75mg. That's not that much of a difference: I went from 300 to 225 with no effects.
I'm taking the first of six classes that my warped brain says will finally get me a job that uses my warped brain. I feel bad if I miss two out of 35 questions on the tests. I was never a straight A student, I don't get why this is now so important to me now. Maybe if I get all As I'll get the job? That's dumb, educational pun intended.
I got a call the morning of a job interview that that I shouldn't come in because they hired someone else. I came close to crying in front of my T when she asked about how it went. I never cry in therapy and a lost job interview is hardly tear worthy compared to the other stuff I should be talking about.
I lost it at work and have a verbal warning that one more outburst and I am fired.
The house is full of cat fur and usually I am a very obessesive cleaner. I just don't care.
I wish there was a test that could determine if what's happening is chemical or situational. I suppose it doesn't matter. I keep telling my T that things don't matter. She keeps telling me they do.
The only good thing about this, from the bulimic point of view is that when I'm depressed I don't feel like eating. So at least I'll feel good about my body even if my mind is messed up. I realize how sick my thinking is.
Sorry to be so long. So boring. So Poet.
Poet
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2006, at 17:39:40
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It sounds like depression to me, too. What does your Pdoc say about the effexor? Have you talked to pdoc or t about it?
I understand the stress of work, the letting-the-house-go, the crying over less important things because if you cry over the big things, it feels like you will never stop. It's like letting just enough steam out so the top doesn't blow.
Wish I had some useful advice. I think you just have to work your way through it the best you can, with or without meds. I'll be thinking about you.
(((((((POET))))))))
Posted by Annierose on July 8, 2006, at 20:11:43
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
Sorry you are having a rough time. The job interview thing really s*cks - but at least you know it isn't you. They haven't even met you. As a person that hires, when I interview for an open position and I have already decided who I want to hire, I also cancel the other interviews, so I don't have to reject them and hopefully so they won't take it personally --- if that makes any sense.
I do think just that little bit of med reduction could be a factor. My daughter's p-doc is weaning her off of her zoloft and she has been doing great BUT I have noticed a change from 16 to 12 mg. I think sometimes it's just enough to make a difference.
Do you feel overwhelmed? I get that way about my house most of all.
I hope your p-doc made an adjustment to your meds.
Thinking of you,
Annie
Posted by LadyBug on July 8, 2006, at 23:42:24
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
(((((((POET)))))))
I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's hard to get through a day when you feel like that.
It's hard to get passed up for a job opportunity. But try to look at it like, keep trying and applying and something will work out. I'm going through the same thing right now. There's a lot of job openings where I work, but I let my insecurity get in my way of going through the application process.
I can't believe they gave you a warning at work and said if it happened again, you'd lose your job. Isn't that against the law? Can't you walk off the job at anytime and say that it was stressing you out and you couldn't handle it? And they can't fire you for doing that? I did it once when I was in the middle of a major breakdown. My boss asked me if I needed to go home, which was a threat to fire me. I said yes I'm about to have a breakdown and I walked out the door and ended up taking a year off. You need to take care of your needs.
I hope your T can offer you some support. And I know all too well how messy a house can get when you're depressed and then the mess makes you feel more depressed. I hope the sun shines on you soon and things begin to look better for you.
Hold on tight! It will pass.
LadyBug
Posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2006, at 8:51:55
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
((( Poet )))
It is good to recognize depression. That is the first step to overcoming it.
I have heard that the end of the taper for Effexor is the hard part. But maybe you aren't experiencing withdrawal as much as you are getting to the point where you don't have enough AD in your system to do the job? Maybe you still need an antidepressant?
It is OK to need both meds and therapy. Most of us do. Prognosis is better with both. Your post almost makes me think that you don't feel like you have a right to be depressed. That isn't a particularly helpful thought...
I got a B on a school assignment last week. She was right in her grade. I missed the point. My response is to be angry that she is unable to teach us things before we get graded - she only seems to be able to explain things after we do them wrong. And I may get a B in this class. I guess I'm just seeing it as her problem - my bad luck, but her problem.
I wish you had cried in therapy. Therapy is a good place to cry. And whatever it is that makes you cry - that is OK. You don't have to wait for the "important" stuff. Who decides what is "important" anyway? Obviously losing the chance to interview is important. Why shouldn't it be?
I think you should have ice cream for breakfast.
Love,
Falls
Posted by Dinah on July 9, 2006, at 9:11:49
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
Can you nudge upward for a while and see if it helps? That's as close to a test as we can get.
The Effexor withdrawal might also explain the meltdown at work.
I know how frustrating this all must be.
Posted by pseudoname on July 9, 2006, at 9:47:54
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
But you're not boring.
I wish I had good advice. But I think maybe Dinah's idea is worth considering, about noojing Effexor back up? Dose effects can be very temperamental.
Posted by canadagirl on July 9, 2006, at 12:46:44
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
You're not boring and anyone who can get 33 out of 35 on a test and start six classes and even get an interview (never mind that they cancelled it, not everyone can even get to the stage where they can even be considered for an interview) AND be depressed all at the same time --- well I am impressed. Really. I don't think I could do all that being depressed.
No wonder you had a verbal outburst at your job. You are doing a lot that most people under the best of circumstances, would have stress over. Take care.
Posted by puravida on July 10, 2006, at 17:46:59
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by canadagirl on July 9, 2006, at 12:46:44
Poet,
Are you trying to get off meds entirely? When I quit Effexor I had lots of really emotional outburts - out of nowhere, it seemed. For some reason I thought I could do w/o meds - and once again I learned the hard way that this isn't the case. Can you go back up on the Effexor, or add another AD maybe? Also, if things are really bad maybe you could get your T to take you off work for stress?
pv
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:29:26
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2006, at 17:39:40
Hi TherapyGirl,
Dr. Clueless (pdoc) has been helping me taper down on the Effexor. When I saw her two weeks ago she told me to stay on 75mg for two months and then come see her. She gave me a form where I can check off withdrawal symptoms, I'm going to check off feeling more depressed and angry outbursts.
I've got Seroquel to help me sleep and Clonazepam to lessen anxiety, though if I still feel this bad in two weeks, I'll call Dr. Clueless and go in earlier.
My T is being great, I should call her if I need to talk. Especially if I lose it at work again. Call her before I go crazy.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:36:48
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by Annierose on July 8, 2006, at 20:11:43
Hi Annierose,
I personalize all rejection. You'd think after almost four years of therapy I'd stop doing it, but I don't. Sigh. Big sigh.
I do feel overwhelmed. It's over things that usually wouldn't be a problem. Simple things like washing the dishes or cleaning out the litter boxes. I look at them and think, I can do that later, but I don't.
My husband is supportive, but doesn't get that I want to do things, I just don't have the motivation to do it. He gets tired of me saying I need to clean and then I don't.
I hope this is meds withdrawal. If you noticed a change after your daughter's minor reduction in her med maybe this time my depression is more chemical.
If I still feel this low in two weeks I'll call Dr. Clueless and at least talk to her on the phone. I have an appointment at the end of August, so I suppose I could go in earlier. Bigger sigh.
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:42:32
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by LadyBug on July 8, 2006, at 23:42:24
Hi Ladybug,
I went into a major depression and quit my job two years ago. It took me nine months to get a new job, which unfortunately is this one. I'm afraid to quit because nobody else will hire me and I'll be denied unemployment again because I voluntarily left. If I get fired I won't get unemployment either. I'm stuck.
My T knows I'm depressed, but she also knows that if I lose my job I'll go into a worse depression. Talk about a catch 22. My job is driving me crazy, but if I quit I'll go crazier.
Another big sigh.
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I hope this passes soon.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:47:51
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2006, at 8:51:55
Hi Falls,
I had Cherry Garcia for dessert last night. There wasn't any left for breakfast. I should have gotten a bigger carton.
I was being over medicated by ex pdoc and started reducing Effexor XR on my own. Dr. Clueless is helping now. Maybe I do need to be on it still. I just don't know. If I still feel this bad in two weeks I'll call her. I have an appointment at the end of August, but maybe I could go in earlier.
I wonder what my T would have done if I had cried. I could tell she knew I was about to. She would have understood, she knows (and is trying hard to change) that I base my self esteem on career.
Maybe I'll have ice cream for lunch tomorrow. Get out of that horrible office and eat something good.
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:51:49
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by Dinah on July 9, 2006, at 9:11:49
Hi Dinah,
I am very frustrated. I've decided that if I feel this bad in two weeks, I'll call Dr. Clueless.
I feel like tossing a coin: heads chemical depression, tails situational. It'll probably land on its side or roll under a dust bunny.
Thanks for understanding my frustration.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:53:03
In reply to I'm sorry you're depressed » Poet, posted by pseudoname on July 9, 2006, at 9:47:54
Hi Pseudoname,
Thanks for thinking I'm not boring. It's this depression that is boring. It dulls my energy and my thoughts.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:55:52
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by canadagirl on July 9, 2006, at 12:46:44
Hi Canadagirl,
I wish Bigshot and my boss were as understanding as you are about my outburst. I am tired of both of them going past me and asking *how are you today?* I would so love to tell them.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm doing a lot for somebody who is feeling low. My first class ends in three weeks, the next two start up at the end of August. Hopefully I'll get my mood up before then.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 19:01:03
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by puravida on July 10, 2006, at 17:46:59
Hi Puravida,
Ex pdoc had me on way too high of a dose. I started tapering off on my own last year. Dr. Clueless (new pdoc) is helping me now. I really don't know if I need Effexor or not. I went on it after Paxil kicked out. Stubborn me thinks an AD won't help. I'm dysthymic, I'm always depressed, right? Wrong? I don't know.
I will call Dr. Clueless if I'm not feeling less depressed soon. My next appointment is the end of August and I don't want to feel like I do now for that long. That's actually a good sign, I think, that I believe I can feel better.
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 1:18:36
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » puravida, posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 19:01:03
It is a good sign that you recognize that you could feel better. Dare I ask...exercise and diet? Has anything changed? Are you sleeping enough?
Take care of yourself, Poet. You are important to me.
Hugs.
Daisy
Posted by 10derHeart on July 12, 2006, at 10:36:47
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » canadagirl, posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 18:55:52
I'm sorry you're not doing so well right now.
I'm not sure I have much to add to what everyone has said. I've been nearly depression-free myself for about 8 months, and just this past week am noticing some worrisome, little symptoms. Hope I can nip mine in the bud (do I sound like Barney Fife yet?) and that you can get just the right amount of meds and some relief from your yucky job. Your deserve many more joyful moments in your life, Poet.
I can say, just from the small amount of time we chatted in Toronto, that you are so NOT boring. You are funny, witty, smart and interesting!
I felt I could talk to you for hours. Lucky you that isn't happening, 'cause your dysthymia might turn to pure fear and panic as you try to RUN AWAY from 10der, who can talk absolutely *nonstop* when someone will listen.....!!
Keep plugging away at wellness, Poet. I know you will. We all will. The other choices are just unacceptable.
Posted by puravida on July 12, 2006, at 11:48:50
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » puravida, posted by Poet on July 10, 2006, at 19:01:03
Hi Poet,
I go through the same thing - will or won't an AD help? How do I know if I am depressed?
The answer I come up with when I AM depressed is "An AD won't help - it is ME that has to control this - it is MY fault I am feeling this way - I am doing something wrong." And I grab at straws - diet, exercise, supplements, reading, but usually it doesn't work until I get the meds right. The way I thought of it recently is that all of those things will help if you can reach them - but if you have to jump everytime to grab them, you'll get tired and frustrated. The AD is like a little step stool that lets you access the stuff that will help you.
Am I depressed? If I have to ask myself, I probably am to some degree. When I am good, I know I am not depressed - I feel good, normal. The trick for me is finding that groove and STAYING ON THE MEDS - (I have a tendency to think - cool! - I'm doing so well I can go off the meds - wrong!)
I struggle with the low grade depression stuff too. When you are depressed but still functioning (working) it is hard to get help, I think.
The good thing is that there are lots of meds out there to try, and lots of doses and combos. I've tried a ton of them... :)
Yes, it's a good sign, I think. I finally got my ADs adjusted yesterday after hammering at my PD for more than a month. It is frustrating, but like with a lot of medical stuff, knowing your own body/mind and learning as much as you can about treatments is preferable, to me, than expecting the PD to come up with a perfect remedy. If I had let them manage my meds 100% w/ no input from me, I hate to think.... :)
Hang in there!
Posted by Poet on July 12, 2006, at 21:16:30
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » Poet, posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 1:18:36
Hi Daisy,
I am eating. I have been forcing myself to go to water aerobics. I am sleeping thanks to Seroquel or a glass or three of wine. I'm not doing both, so don't worry about that.
More than anything I feel completely stuck or stagnant. Just existing.
Thanks for saying I'm important to you, I sure don't feel important to myself right now. Thanks for the safe cyber hugs, too.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 12, 2006, at 21:22:15
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by 10derHeart on July 12, 2006, at 10:36:47
Hi 10der,
I am trying to nip depression in the bud. Do I get a deputy badge and get to carry a bullet in my shirt pocket? Your Barney reference made me smile, so I haven't lost my ability to smile- yet.
Thanks for you kind words of inspiration.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 12, 2006, at 21:28:15
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by puravida on July 12, 2006, at 11:48:50
Hi puravida,
<<The answer I come up with when I AM depressed is "An AD won't help - it is ME that has to control this - it is MY fault I am feeling this way - I am doing something wrong."
This is how I think, too. I am an intelligent person I should be able to fix myself. I know, tomorrow, my T will give me her look of *why didn't you call me?* when I tell her I'm still depressed.
I was on way too much Effexor XR, hopefully the withdrawal will be less intense. I might stay at 75mg longer than two months, I will actually ask Dr. Clueless for help. I hate asking for help when I'm not depressed, when I'm depressed it takes far too much effort. Big sigh.
Thanks for understanding low level depression, I'm sorry that you do, but appreciate your sharing your experiences with ADs.
Poet
Posted by 10derHeart on July 12, 2006, at 21:30:53
In reply to Re: Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed » 10derHeart, posted by Poet on July 12, 2006, at 21:22:15
>Your Barney reference made me smile,
Just as I hoped it would. Heard rumors you are (one of?) the Queen(s) of Movie lines, so I figured classic TV would be no problem...:-)
Yup. We get anti-anxiety badges and AD bullets.
Couldn't hurt, right?
Posted by nicky847 on July 13, 2006, at 10:32:41
In reply to Time to Admit it, I'm Depressed, posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 11:23:27
That sucks. It's no fun to feel yourself being depressed. I find the best way to deal with it is body first, then mind. If you feel depression, it's hard to control what youre thinking, it's kind of like being a 4 year old who can't stop bawling no matter how much you try to reason with it. Trying to think your way out of it, at least at first, just ties you up in knots.
So, for me, the first step in helping myself is to take care of my body, most importantly getting enough rest, eating right, and exercising, and getting enough rest. I said getting enough rest twice because thats the most important one. Take a week or two to focus on taking better care of yourself, then go from there. When I do that I usually being to feel strong enough to change my thinking, and they symptoms of depression become more manageable and less intense.
Whatever you do, know that depression will run its course. The brains a part of the body, and the body has a great ability to heal itself.
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