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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
Hello,
I wanted to get people's take on therapist's revealing stuff about themselves.
My therapist is (was??) **really** careful about saying anything to me about herself. She feels she got too involved with me a while back, pulled back and has very strict boundaries ever since. Until lately.
Example. About a month ago I told her I read a book on ending therapy. She asked the name and author. When I came in last night she said, "I got the book." Note: she finally confessed about a month ago that she was reading books I was reading but that she didn't tell me about it. Huh.
Anyway, she then went on to tell me that she was thinking of ending *her* therapy (with her therapist) upon reading the book.
Later on in the session, when I was discussing anxiety, she added that she, too, is a high strung person--that she's wired similarly. Huh???
And then when I asked her if she'd ever taken Xanax she nearly blew a gasket, "What are you asking me here?"
I said she told me she was high strung and I wanted to get her take on the drug since she brought it up.
She said that she never has had a panic attack. I said, "Lucky you."
I feel sorta weird about this. This is the therapist who was gay and went straight and got married and had a kid. Oddddddly I was gay and fell in love with a man this past year so it's like this very very strange thing. I don't *know* how alike she and I are because I don't know her. But she knows me. It's like I'm not privvy to something. She also mistakenly used her husband's name when talking about my boyfriend. I had to pretend I didn't notice as I'm not supposed to even know her husband's name. I'm sure she'd freak if she knew I knew it.
UGH. Anyway, I don't quite get the boundary thing with her. I feel that she struggles with me and that it's awkward. Lately she's been telling me other stuff too--a few weeks ago that she has issues with people thinking she's a know-it-all (she's not, not at all)--it was w/in the context of my therapy but what's with all the self-revelation lately??
For being so intensely tight-lipped for years, in one session I learned that she's thinking of ending her therapy, that she's high strung and that she's never had a panic attack.
I would prefer a therapist who was looser, personally, than her so I suppose it's fine. It's just this change from her these past few weeks has been a bit odd.
Any insight???
Rigby
Posted by B2chica on March 17, 2006, at 11:39:41
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
i think it's not uncommon, but could lead to serious violations on your part. afterall you are there to talk about you, not her. unfortunately i've found this out about several therapists, that they want to relate to you (or make you think they do) so hard that they bring in way too much info.
my old T rarely said anything about himself but if he did he'd ask first or say after he hoped i didn't mind talking about personal thoughts, 'stuff'.
however, my new T i think is just trying too hard to be "just like me'. i think she thinks she needs to 'relate' to me inorder for me to feel comfortable or to open up. when actually it does the exact opposite.
short version, her intentions are true but the method is wrong.it seems like maybe your T is totally missing the boat. sounds like she is getting too caught up in 'learning' or 'sharing' things that she seems to forget why she's there.
on the one hand, its' nice that she shares but then there's the point where maybe you need to send HER a bill.
be careful and keep an eye on this issue. have you looked at other T's?i'm afraid i couldn't offer much advice to you, FWIW
b2c.
Posted by fallsfall on March 17, 2006, at 11:43:19
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
I think you should call her on it. She shouldn't be talking about her own therapy during yours. Boundaries have been an issue in your therapy in the past. Her looser boundaries recently could be a countertransference reaction to something that is going on with you. Talking about it might allow you to sort it out.
Good luck.
Posted by sleepygirl on March 17, 2006, at 17:13:21
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
hmmmmm....for me that much info would be uncomfortable
There's something about the not sharing of personal information that then allows you to project your own stuff onto the therapist (it is then available to be worked through).
I'd consider all that info "interference" to that, and a kind of distraction....but that's me.
Sometimes I do wish T's would share more info, but then I'm thankful that they don't.
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 19:13:08
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
I don't have a big problem with therapist self revelation for the most part - depending of course on the theoretical orientation of the therapist. With two exceptions.
Therapist self revelation that makes the therapist uncomfortable enough to hurt the client by abruptly redrawing the boundaries is bad therapy. Not that you can't get through it, but it hurts the client needlessly.
And therapist self disclosure that makes the client feel uncomfortable is too much self disclosure. So that clients *always* can and should say "You know, that's a bit more than I need to know about you."
I think I draw the line at disclosure of personal things. Like I don't mind knowing his wife's name or what she does for a living or even personal qualities she might have or things she might value, but I don't need to overhear him tell her he loves her on the phone, or hear that they just had a giant fight or that he just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't mind (and appreciate it) if he tells me he's not at his best right now because of something totally unrelated to me, and maybe even a general overview like family problems or a death in the family or hurricane displacement or something. But I don't want to hear that he's distraught or depressed or about his therapy. Saying he's had the experience of being a therapy client at an unspecified time helps me understand that he knows what it's like. Telling me he's in therapy now or that he was just in therapy would bother me a bit.
But that's my personal line. If she's gone over your personal line, or if you think she's heading down a path that will cause you grief when she thinks it over, you need to as nicely as possible convey that to her, I think.
Posted by fairywings on March 17, 2006, at 20:02:15
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
I remember reading about your situation quite awhile ago, and remember thinking how I'd feel if the boundaries were one way, and then all of a sudden changed. It seems like she's very ambivalent, doesn't know when to disclose, and when to keep things to herself. Sounds like you were perfectly w/in your rights to ask about the xanax, considering she'd brought up "being similarly wired", and then it seems defensive for her to pull back.
It's good that you're okay with self disclosure, I am too. I'd be okay with my T talking about his therapy bec. he seems pretty even in what he discusses, and doesn't seem to be overly interested in me, or my situation, on anything more than a professional level. But it does sound like your T stuggles with the similarities in your situations. I guess If I thought my T had to read the books I was reading, or compare his psychological state, I might feel more uncomfortable with the disclosure - it would make me wonder, and make me feel like he was using my time to air his stuff.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound quite right. I think I"d try to question her on it, esp. if she's disclosing and then pulling back, that's not fair. Either do it and be okay with it, or don't do it at all.
Good luck with this.
fw
Posted by crushedout on March 18, 2006, at 13:14:43
In reply to Re: Therapist Self-Revealing » Rigby, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 19:13:08
I love the way you sorted this out, Dinah. I think you make excellent distinctions, and I never looked at it that way before.Thanks (as always) for sharing your brilliance with the rest of us. :)
Posted by Rigby on March 19, 2006, at 15:52:27
In reply to Therapist Self-Revealing, posted by Rigby on March 17, 2006, at 10:41:36
Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for the feedback and insights.
I think I'm going to talk w/ my therapist. But before I do I think I want to get clear about what it is I want. Consistency for one. You're right Dinah--it's not cool to get close and pull back. The other is whether or not I prefer her to be more relaxed or less so. I like that she's more of a human being now--it's easier to relate to her--but not if she pulls back suddenly.
I'll let you guys know how it goes--and thanks again!
Rigby
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