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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 15:32:50
I've spent 2 days reading all of the posts, and responding to everything said to me; it's worn me out.
Most people were loving and kind and understanding; 1 or two were not.
Some of it was confusing to me, and I wasn't even sure what they were saying, or meant. I felt such a struggle to understand.
I realize what I have been doing is the same thing I did in the abusive marriage:
Explaining that I was not doing what I was being criticized for, or that I didn't mean what someone thought I said....etc., etc., etc.,
That's called "crazy-making" behavior (mine)I don't want to get into a p*****ng contest, here (excuse the crudeness, but that is how I feel).
My explanations (there I go again) didn't seem to satisfy some.
I repeat again. I am in the process of grieving the death of a (31 year abusive) marriage, and coping the best I can alone, not to mention this will be my first Christmas...alone.
Also, at this time of year, I would love to go to church (if nothing else to see my grandchildren in their little performances), but that is lost to me now. I don't feel sorry for myself in the least
just an ineffable sadness
Thank you for listening. Ally
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:41:20
In reply to Done Explaining...I am exhausted, posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 15:32:50
heck that's a lot of effort for anything, let alone reading and responding. you sound like you've been hurt. just so i can let you know. i'm sorry you were in that kind of marriage but it sounds like christmas alone would be better than with 'him'. Thank goodness you got out in time. it must have taken a LOT of courage and strength to get this far.
i don't know if i responded, or if i was one that you felt were being criticized by, but if i did, i didn't mean too.
and you shouldn't feel quite so alone, babble is there for you.if it's not too personal, is there ANY chance you can go see your grandchildren? not sure what i missed but i guess i was hoping. i mean you have a right to go to any church to worship that you wish, right?
be kind to yourself
b2c.
Posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 15:54:14
In reply to Done Explaining...I am exhausted, posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 15:32:50
I didn't realize that you just went through the divorce 5 months ago until I read the "hard" thread above. Of course it is going to be a long road ahead of adjusting to being alone. It will be a year of "firsts", but you will get through it one day at a time. And your T will be able to help you.
How often do you see your T?
What type of therapy does he slant towards?
And where did you post your photo? How did I miss that?
Do you have children?
Stay warm, it's really cold and windy out there today (Midwest girl myself)
Posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 23:18:37
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » allisonross, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:41:20
> (((B2Chica))))
heck that's a lot of effort for anything, let alone reading and responding. you sound like you've been hurt.
Yup.
just so i can let you know. i'm sorry you were in that kind of marriage
Thankyou, sweetie!
but it sounds like christmas alone would be better than with 'him'. Thank goodness you got out in time. it must have taken a LOT of courage and strength to get this far.
It really did. I had a horrific struggle with the decision.
> i don't know if i responded, or if i was one that you felt were being criticized by, but if i did, i didn't mean too.No, you didn't criticize me...not to worry!
> and you shouldn't feel quite so alone, babble is there for you.
Thankyou!
>
> if it's not too personal, is there ANY chance you can go see your grandchildren?Well, I could go, but I would be very uncomfortable (people would be talking about me, etc), and I would be re-visiting the pain all over again; and seeing the poeple that should have supported, loved, understood, or at LEAST talked to me about what was happening.
They voted on ballots, and walked out of the door, without a word. These were people I had known for 31 years!
not sure what i missed but i guess i was hoping. i mean you have a right to go to any church to worship that you wish, right?
Absolutely, but the church I was voted out of; is the church where my grandchildren (still) are.>
> be kind to yourself
> b2c.Thank you so much for your kind words. They are healing, and SO MUCH appreciated.
hugs, Ally
Posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 23:24:30
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » allisonross, posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 15:54:14
> Hi, sweetie:
I didn't realize that you just went through the divorce 5 months ago until I read the "hard" thread above. Of course it is going to be a long road ahead of adjusting to being alone. It will be a year of "firsts", but you will get through it one day at a time. And your T will be able to help you.
>
> How often do you see your T?Every week
>
> What type of therapy does he slant towards?I guess you would call it "cognitive"
>
> And where did you post your photo? How did I miss that?Hmmm, did I say I posted a photo? Perhaps you are referring to my website (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com); it's under "About Me"
>
> Do you have children?2...a son, Andrew and a daughter, Laura..Laura has 4 children.
>
> Stay warm, it's really cold and windy out there today (Midwest girl myself)Okey-dokey! Actually, I was born in Maine (Heaven); now in exile, LOL, LOL
Hugs, Ally
Posted by annierose on December 12, 2005, at 16:30:39
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » annierose, posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 23:24:30
So I'm trying to understand and get the bigger picture. Your adult children both attended the same church. AND, they still attend that church, even after you were kicked out. Do you even see your grandchildren?
I can only imagine the pain of having gone through that experience and lose your adult children and grandchildren too. Then go through a divorce ... that is a TON of loss.
I don't know your church, so forgive me if this sounds like a mean thing to say, but I just don't understand a church that "kicks people out", it sounds more of a cult.
My husband and I come from different religions entirely. I find peace at temples and churches that speak of God's goodness, and of people's kindness, rather than punishment. Have you found a new church yet? Did you join their choir?
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2005, at 20:13:48
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » allisonross, posted by annierose on December 12, 2005, at 16:30:39
Posted by allisonross on December 13, 2005, at 5:54:02
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » allisonross, posted by annierose on December 12, 2005, at 16:30:39
> So I'm trying to understand and get the bigger picture. Your adult children both attended the same church. AND, they still attend that church, even after you were kicked out. Do you even see your grandchildren?
Hi, sweetie: Should have made it plainer....My daughter (son in law and grandchildren) still attend...that is painful for me, but nothing I can do. My son left the church before the debacle happened.
Actually the church voted me out of membership (legalism); I could still go, but that would be insane (LOL)
Yes, I still see my grandchildren; I instituted a family time on Sundays, and they come over for dinner.
>
> I can only imagine the pain of having gone through that experience and lose your adult children and grandchildren too. Then go through a divorce ... that is a TON of loss.
>
> I don't know your church, so forgive me if this sounds like a mean thing to say, but I just don't understand a church that "kicks people out", it sounds more of a cult.It is.
>
> My husband and I come from different religions entirely. I find peace at temples and churches that speak of God's goodness, and of people's kindness, rather than punishment. Have you found a new church yet? Did you join their choir?
I went to another church (2 times); I liked it very much, but found all I did was cry, so can't do that to myself; may never go again, and that is a shame. I do miss singing.If you would like to read the whole sordid story, and see my poetrty (of anguish, healing, hope aned comfort) www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com
It's been amazing. I've always been able to make all of the ugliness of my life...into something positive, and the website was one of those things...somethng beautiful...came from the ashes.
Thank you for your kind words and care.
Hugs, Ally
Posted by annierose on December 13, 2005, at 21:46:11
In reply to Re: Done Explaining...I am exhausted » annierose, posted by allisonross on December 13, 2005, at 5:54:02
I'm glad you didn't take offense to my questions. I find your story very interesting. I did check out your web site; your poetry is beautiful, although I didn't read it all.
I am so glad you still see your children and grandchildren. I visited my grandparents every Sunday after church for a spaghetti dinner. Those are the fondest memories of my childhood. My mother-in-law tries to do that for my children, but she is out of town 1/2 the year, and then too tired to cook when they are in town. But she does make an effort once in awhile. I always enjoy those Sundays.
I just finished writing my Christmas card to my therapist. I also bought her a gift from my store (a speciality stationery shop). Did you buy your T a holiday gift?
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 14, 2005, at 11:15:40
In reply to Done Explaining...I am exhausted, posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 15:32:50
> Most people were loving and kind and understanding; 1 or two were not.
>
> My explanations (there I go again) didn't seem to satisfy some.Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused. It tends to be more civil to talk about how you feel than what someone else did. For example, use I-statements like "I didn't always feel understood" or "I felt like I couldn't satisfy some". For more about the wording of I-statements, see:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040112/msgs/320097.html
Follow-ups regarding civility should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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