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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by All Done on September 19, 2005, at 8:10:33
In reply to Thank you » happyflower, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 7:08:16
I'm sorry you don't feel like there's anything you can talk about here. Everything must be so emotionally exhausting for you right now. But no matter what you have to say, we'll listen. So, as always, when you're ready...
And if you need to go to the emergency room, please don't hesitate based on what you think they will or won't do. I want you to be safe and I'm sure your husband and son do as well.
((((Dinah))))
Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2005, at 11:48:10
In reply to Thank you » happyflower, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 7:08:16
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
In reply to Re: Thank you » Dinah, posted by All Done on September 19, 2005, at 8:10:33
There may be another alternative. I took two or three times the klonopin i'm supposed to take, and that's bringing my pain down to manageable levels.
i can't continue that of course, i'll run out. but i was thinking maybe rum. i don't like liquor as a whole, but i seem to tolerate rum.
My therapist sat beside me yesterday and put an arm around me to hold me as I heaved sobs and hyperventilated. He's taken a four week assignment but can continue to see me once a week at a time when i'm not sure i can see him because i'm now a single mom. But he'll forget me as soon as he's not afraid i'll throw up on his carpet. just like he forgot me after our last appt. my husband says we'll work something out.
i know long term everything may work out, but intermediate term it sure isn't, and i don't know if i can make it through intermediate term.
Does anyone know how to make sure you can't buy a gun? How do you manage to get on the list of disqualifiers?
there's all sorts of bad news coming in from all fronts. i just can't bear it.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2005, at 13:31:19
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
Dinah,
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I don't think your T will ever forget you. But I realize that things are not at all the same.I wish I could wave a wand and make Katrina never happen. You posted before that you didn't think hospitals would admit folks right now, but it's worth a try. It's worth going in for a medication adjustment versus trying to handle this on your own.
How to be disqualified from buying a gun? I don't know the rules. Don't carry enough money to. Take your son with you. I'm sure he would make you think twice. I know this is really really hard, but he NEEDS you. And whatever you need to do now in the short term to make sure you have a long term is okay. It sounds even necessary.
Believe your husband. You'll work something out.
Email or post if needed and you can.
((((dinah))))
gg
Posted by All Done on September 19, 2005, at 13:46:00
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
Dinah,
Please don't do anything more drastic. Is there any possibility you can go to the ER? Is your husband already gone or is he with you?
Can you get someone to help in the interim? Did you talk to your T about that? I know you feel like that would be rejection from him, but you need to have some help closer in proximity to you, I think.
I know you aren't feeling much hope right now and I'm not exactly sure how to help you see that things will get better. I can only hold the hope for you, I guess. I'm praying that's enough right now.
You are so special and loved. I think more than you know or maybe even more than you can imagine.
Laurie
Posted by muffled on September 19, 2005, at 14:51:30
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
You got alot of people pulling for you. Hang in there. Just take it alittle at a time. You can do this. Its amazing how much we can tolerate and survive. I was reading that post about how you gave those posts for my T. Gosh that was nice of you to do. A whole lot of people responded too. You have obviously touched alot of people in a positive way. You need to stay with us. There's enough bad people out there that we need to keep every nice one that we have in this world.
I don't think I'm the only one here who has hit that wall of 'I just can't take it anymore, I just can't" But y'know I hit that wall, hard. I was gonna use a gun too. It was the messy factor, the fact that other people would see such a mess that made me pause. I think that no matter what way you choose its just awful for those left behind. And YES THINGS DO GET BETTER. They do, they will. You just maybe can't see that right now. I am SO glad I am here. I'm glad for my kids. My kids love me, wacky though I am. They truly love me. Its a wonderous thing.
Hang in there Dinah.
Muffled.
Sorry if I'm lecturing, its just I KNOW, you got to beleive me. Just don't do anything drastic, there's no second chances with death. No peace really, you just leave your pain behind for others. At least alive you CAN make things better. This is a BAD patch. But just a patch, thats all.
Posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 14:54:38
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
Oh Dinah, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time.
I know nothing about Klonopin, but I do know that alcohol only makes it harder to cope with day-to-day stuff. And I can understand why you might think about buying a gun, but do think of your son.
I’m sure you don’t want to see another therapist; you want your own therapist, and yet if it isn’t possible to see your therapist as often as you’d like, perhaps it might be worth considering seeing someone else on a short-term basis. You wouldn’t have the same relationship, but you might be able to find someone you can trust enough with some of the things that are less pressing; just to give you a bit of relief.
Is it at all possible to take your son with you at the time your therapist can meet you? Is there anywhere he could sit and read perhaps? Is he at a stage where he can be left unsupervised for an hour? Or is there any kind of childcare available? (I’m wondering what you would do with him if you were working at the moment – there must be couples who both have to work, so perhaps there is a solution). I know I’m grasping at straws and you’ve probably already thought of anything I could suggest.
I’m absolutely sure your therapist won’t forget you. He can’t give you what you want and need at the moment, but I do believe he’s still committed to the relationship and that he wants to be as available to you as possible in the circumstances. But of course it’s hard getting through this time when everything is so uncertain.
Take good care of yourself, Dinah. We love you very much and we’re always here for you.
Tamar
Posted by ClearSkies on September 19, 2005, at 15:38:43
In reply to Re: At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0 » Dinah, posted by All Done on September 19, 2005, at 13:46:00
> You are so special and loved. I think more than you know or maybe even more than you can imagine.
>
> Laurie
I couldn't have said it better, AllDone.
Dinah - please keep yourself safe. I cannot imagine the stressors that you've had to absorb; I agree that emergency care shouldn't be ruled out if you're feeling that you are in a dangerous place.
You're a strong, wonderful, caring woman. And you are extremely capable.
with much love,
ClearSkies
Posted by jane_d on September 19, 2005, at 15:40:04
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
Hang in there. Cut back on what you "have to" do if that is what you need. There is no way that your therapist is forgetting you. From what you've said it seems that he just isn't good at deciding what to do right now. You're probably doing him a favor if you just explain to him how it's going to be. :)
Have you tried to raise your doctor by phone? You might be able to arrange a med increase that way.
Again, hang in there.
Jane
Posted by JenStar on September 19, 2005, at 17:50:31
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry thing are this bad. I'm so sorry! I have hope and faith that you will be OK. I know it doesn't seem like it ever will, but it WILL once again be a good life. You're a fantastic, smart, intelligent, fun, witty person, and this world would be a sadder place without you. Your son needs you, and so do your network of friends IRL and here on Babble. I know that ties seem tenuous to your T, but there are all different kinds of bonds. He is bonded to you for life in a way -- even though you're far apart, he's seen you for SO LONG that you will never be forgotten!Would it be possible to do phone sessions or video sessions? Double sessions? Triple sessions when you drive down?
Can you temporarily see someone closer, just to have a lifeline with whom to talk? It doesn't mean your replacing your T -- just helping yourself through this difficult time.
To avoid the gun: Think of your son. Think of how how hard you've worked to make it this far. That time is so worthwhile -- your efforts are worth so much. Don't lose that, Dinah!
Please don't lose faith. I hope things get better soon.
JenStar
Posted by annierose on September 19, 2005, at 18:20:43
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
Dinah -
I'm sorry that it has taken so long for me to reply. Our internet has been down all day.
I wish I could help you through this process. You have so many reasons to grieve. You have loss so much, but you have not lost your T. He is just not as available as before. Someone else wrote this in a previous thread, but there is no hierarchy with pain. If you think you need to be in a safe place, there would be room for you. And they would be able to adjust your medication. Have you tried to get a hold of your p-doc?
There is no magic cure-all. I wish we could take back time. Try to take each day as it comes. Try to find some immediate support while continuing your theraputic relationship w/your favorite T. He is sorting out his own life right now. Your husband sounds supportive. Lean on him too. Lean on us. We're here for you too.
Annie
Posted by rubenstein on September 19, 2005, at 19:29:02
In reply to At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 12:43:36
I am so sorry
Things must be so hard
You have helped me through difficult times
I am here for you
take care
please
rachel
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:42:53
In reply to Re: At the end of my rope (poss. trigger0, posted by rubenstein on September 19, 2005, at 19:29:02
Maybe that's just the best course of action when things get to be too much. Do whatever I need to do to sleep for a long long time. It's cheaper than a hospital.
I ended up starting the trip to Wal Mart, but getting so sleepy on an earlier stop that I couldn't keep up the energy to go look at the guns.
My therapist called me today. I thought it was in response to my message, but he didn't get that until later, and called me later thinking I had made it after I spoke to him. So he did remember and called on his own to check on me. He also asked if I was going to quit with him, and I have no idea why he asked that, since I've been adamant that I won't. I guess it was because I broke into strong hysterics after he told me about the four week assignment yesterday.
Maybe I'll try to reach my pdoc tomorrow. I'm driving the four plus hours to see my therapist tomorrow before he goes off for the rest of the week on yet another out of town assignment. I was able to make the appt because it would appear from what my husband told me he heard on the news that the return to N.O. has been halted. I'm not sure if it's for safety issues, or because of the tropical storm. I slept through all the news today. So I'll be having a bit of internet access for a few days. I keep calling home hoping the phone service has been restored but no luck. Serves me right for leaving the Bell companies.
I'm feeling more numb tonight than desparate. It's just that I got such a stream of bad news at once.
My therapist keeps saying I am strong enough to do all this, and it just makes me more desparate to do something drastic. Because I'm not strong enough and as long as it's assumed that I am, I will be expected to do more than I can do. And that makes me desparate. I wish my problems were more visible.
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:51:58
In reply to Slept all day, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:42:53
I forgot to apologize for being dramatic, and to thank everyone for their kind words and good wishes.
:(
Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2005, at 20:59:41
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:51:58
Dinah,
Please don't apologize. It sounded to me like you were feeling very alone and desparate. It didn't view it as dramatic, but rather an expression of how you are feeling.And since what you are dealing with is not visible, it's important to try to articulate what's going on with you.
Regarding returning to NO, I heard that the mayor rescinded the okay to return due to the new hurricane and fears about the levees holding this time.
I'm sorry you can't get back home yet.
gg
Posted by annierose on September 19, 2005, at 21:28:27
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:51:58
No need for apologies, you are living through h*ll, it's appropriate to feel anything and everything!! And although we can't possibly "know" what you are going through, we understand the ripple affects of this storm, and the personal toll it takes on people.
Since you didn't watch TV today, Oprah is donating $10 million to rebuild houses and through her web site, viewers can buy furnishings for all the homes.
To add to GG's post, the mayor was also getting some flack from the federal gov't for moving too quickly due to unsafe water and air ... plus hospitals are largely still closed, and emergency phone service not available. Too risky.
Glad you will call your p-doc and T will see you tomorrow. Your stool is gaining support!!
Annie
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 5:55:03
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » Dinah, posted by annierose on September 19, 2005, at 21:28:27
I suspected the whole thing was moving too fast. I know they want to get their tax base back...
I guess the storm is a good reason too, though. Even a glancing blow from the corner could do some damage to those hastily patched up floodwall systems.
I'm not really much of the camping sort. I'm not thrilled about going back when the city isn't ready with a reasonable number of amenities.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2005, at 6:09:03
In reply to Slept all day, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:42:53
(((Dinah)))
Posted by Damos on September 20, 2005, at 17:28:36
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:51:58
Aw Dinah, what a silly billy you are. You have nothing to apologise for. Honestly I'm in awe of your courage, strength, tenacity and resiliance.
A good sleep can do amazing things, so just you make sure you're getting all that you need.
Thinking of you and yours,
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 19:32:43
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » Dinah, posted by Damos on September 20, 2005, at 17:28:36
Which is good I guess, except that I drove eight hours round trip and spent $45 in gas. And left feeling sort of like "Why did I do that?"
We talked mostly about my suicidal feelings. He's more concerned than usual because I've been *doing* things I don't normally do, and because the situation between us is different. Still, it was a very calm tone to the session.
We talked about the possibility of having another therapist in addition to him. He said he didn't think it would be all that helpful to me, that what I was needing was the trusting relationship built up over ten years. I think he's right in a way. Plus... Well, a lot of therapists sort of want to push to change you. And as he laughingly reminded me, it took me a while to train him not to push. I'm not sure another therapist would understand what I need.
I dunno. All the therapists at home are probably up to their ears anyway.
I dunno.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2005, at 19:52:54
In reply to Today's session was almost dull., posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 19:32:43
okay so i have to admit that i've been following in bits and pieces so i don't really know the full story... but...
> We talked about the possibility of having another therapist in addition to him. He said he didn't think it would be all that helpful to me, that what I was needing was the trusting relationship built up over ten years. I think he's right in a way.yeah... but... i know that you have wondered (a little bit a little bit) at other times about seeing someone else. and about whether that might be a good thing... and about how much progress you were making with him... and i really would have thought that he'd be encouraging you to not remain so very attached to him round about now... i mean that is one hell of a long way to have to drive... and it takes up most of one day... and he doesn't know where he's going to be living... and you don't know where you are going to be living... and so it would make sense to me to have a bit of a range of supports untill things settle down a lot more and start to seem more perminant.
>Plus... Well, a lot of therapists sort of want to push to change you. And as he laughingly reminded me, it took me a while to train him not to push. I'm not sure another therapist would understand what I need.
it probably would take a little bit of time to figure out. worth bearing in mind that CBT therapists tend to be more change oriented whereas psychodynamic orientations tend to be more insight oriented...
> I dunno. All the therapists at home are probably up to their ears anyway.
maybe...
but maybe not...why don't you try and find out???
Posted by Annierose on September 20, 2005, at 20:29:48
In reply to Today's session was almost dull., posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 19:32:43
Sounds like an everyday type of session, instead of panic, although you did talk about difficult emotions. I'm glad he appears to be more committed to regular sessions with you now, and that must be reassuring. He sounds more settled, compared with the turmoil most are still in the midst of.
I hope you share with him your desire to move to a different state. Even though you are not likely to move away from him, it might be a fruitful topic to explore.
From your post below, I think I'm understanding you'll be able to have double sessions once a week. That will certainly make the drive more palatable.
Thinking of you and your family. I hope your son is not going stir crazy. I stayed home for 2 days with mine (fever) and I'm feeling a bit of cabin fever.
Posted by crushedout on September 20, 2005, at 22:25:14
In reply to Today's session was almost dull., posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 19:32:43
I don't know what else to say right now but I want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Posted by Shortelise on September 20, 2005, at 23:20:01
In reply to Today's session was almost dull., posted by Dinah on September 20, 2005, at 19:32:43
There are times when therapy is dull because I am so backed off that I'm completely refusing to go, emotionally, where the pain is because it would be just too too hard.
I don't know if that's where you are, but I thought of it as I read your note.
Dinah, please take care.
ShortE
Posted by cricket on September 21, 2005, at 8:08:41
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 20:51:58
Oh Dinah. I'm so sorry that everything seems to be falling apart.
Please, please take care. I am sending all of prayers down to you. Things just have to get better soon.
I know when I think of suicide, I do think of my son. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me.
But then I remember reading somewhere about someone's mother committing suicide. She said that anything was better than that because even if your mother was zombied out you could at least lie next to her and feel her warmth, but when she was dead there was nothing left at all.
I think of that a lot.
This is the end of the thread.
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