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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Well I went to therapy a couple of days ago and it seemed like an incredibly important session.
So please excuse the long post. I just want to get as much as it down as I can because I think it’s good if I can remember it.
It started out as usual. I felt unable to speak. I had two kid alters that were right there.
He started out, “So how was the week?”
I shrug, “Okay.”
“Well that’s vague. Did you go to work?”
He was pulled way back with arms crossed again. Voice was angry.
“No, not the whole week.”
“So, why didn’t you go? What was the problem?”
“I don’t know.” And I didn’t. The part that goes to work almost never goes to therapy and I honestly couldn’t remember why I didn’t go.
“So didn’t feel up to it?”
“I guess not.”
“So what did you do at home?”
“I don’t remember that either.” And I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to be hostile. My voice, was mostly one of the kids, although I was switching back and forth, and it was very low. He had to turn the air conditioner off to hear me.
He asked for one of my alters.
“She’s okay.”
“Not here though.”
“No, not here.”
“The weekend? Do you remember that?” He sounded snide.
I was just distraught at that point. I couldn’t remember anything. I was scared. I was fading away from him and sometimes he tries to pull me back but this time he didn’t.
I think he left the room at that point. He’s done that before (just stepped away for a few minutes) and then come back. Maybe he thinks it will jog me out of my trance.
But then he was there again. Somehow one of those kids got the courage to say “We think you want us to go away because you don’t like us?”
He asked, “Who is us?”
I told him. (Two 9 years olds, I have.)
“So how could I not like you? I barely ever see you.”
Shrug.“So how can I make you feel more welcome?” Still angry voice.
I had already given up. But those kids didn’t. “Just be honest with us.”
“Honest? You don’t think I’m honest. What do I need to be honest about?” He sounded more surprised than angry now.
“Just be honest about whether you like us and be honest in general.”
He was leaning forward, eyebrows raised.
“Can I please talk to Cricket about this?”
I dragged myself there although I still switched back and forth.
“What do you think about this? Do you think I’m not honest?”
“Yeah, I think the kids have a point.”
“Couldn’t their perception be wrong?”
“No, I don’t think so. Not those kids. Some others maybe. But those kids are perceptive.”
Then he was quiet for a time.
“Well what about (and he named another alter I have)? Does he ever yell at them? Get angry with those kids?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“How do the kids feel when he gets like that?”
“They get angry too, and they think he hates them.”
“When does he get angry?”
“Well when it’s time to go to bed and they don’t want to settle down, or sometimes when they want to do something and it’s dangerous?”
“So he yells and gets angry because he wants you to get rest and be safe?”
“Yeah.”
“Why does he want you to get rest and be safe?”
“Because he cares about me.”
“Yes, he does. And I care about you too. I care about you.”
I couldn’t look at him at this point. But I kept on repeating his words in my head. I care about you, I care about you, I care about you.
“My reticence or even my defensiveness, what you see as anger and dishonesty, is really worry and concern. This work is so hard because it’s dangerous. There is so much at stake here. And I see what’s happening in your life and I’m worried. And I know that a lot of what is happening inside you right now is because you come here and try to talk to me and so I really worry.”
That was really enough for me to absorb for one session but then he goes on. “On top of that your life is so difficult. You work very hard at a job you hate in a place that doesn’t treat you well. You have serious financial problems. You have no friends or family. You love your son but he is a lot of work and very demanding. Your husband is more trouble than he’s worth. And then you come here and this makes you even more miserable still. I wish I could fast forward to a time when this might be fun or enjoyable and that frustrates me because I can’t. I wish I could give you that much. Considering what you’ve gone through in your life I know that there is a lot more pain that we have to go through here before this is the least bit fun.”
And then more…
“I wish I could go back to that tiny little girl and give her someone that cares about her, but I can’t do that either and now so much has happened and since you’ve never seen caring it is something that you dread even more than you long for it.”
Then finally he is quiet and I still haven’t looked at him. Then he says, “I wonder how you feel about me.”
The truth is I’m not sure but I think that he took a big risk saying everything he said so I wanted to give him a bit more. After struggling a bit I said, “Well since I’ve been coming here so long and I have told you things (whether it is a little or a lot) that I never even dreamed of telling anyone I think that says that I like you. I think that’s definite.”
Not much but as much as I could handle.
But then I got braver and continued. “But I know how hard it is for me to manage everything that goes on inside of me and it’s all me and what I don’t understand is how you as an outside person can stand to see all of this and understand it and maybe worst of all feel some of what I’m feeling. I don’t understand how it doesn’t make you want to say “Go Away.”
“No, just the opposite. I like you so I want to know you completely. All of your voices, so different and so interesting. Getting to know a person you like brings pleasure. I don’t want any of you to go away. I hope you stay a long time.”
Then finally, he said I could go. But first as I was standing to leave, maybe I staggered a bit, he said, “I am worried. Can you go home? Do you have to go back to work?”
I said I thought that I’d be okay. But he didn’t stand up as I leave, he always does. Maybe he was exhausted too. As I passed by his chair, he did squeeze my hand and that felt reassuring.
So please excuse the horrible length of this. I just wanted to get it all down as exactly as I could remember it. It seemed important.
If anyone is still with me, any thoughts?
Posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 17:06:27
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Oh Cricket that is so wonderful, so truly wonderful. I have actually been awake all night struggling with how to word a post to Alex and much of what your T said was what I was struggling to express. This is great news Cricket I am so pleased for you. Thank you for posting and sharing this session in so much depth.
It is really hard to care about people who carry so much pain, for whom every minute of every day is such an incredible challenge and amazing achievement. It is hard to make them revisit and re-experience that pain. It's hard to explain how much it scares and hurts you too, how much you fear for and worry about them.
What your T said and wanting to go back and be that person and make things all better is so true too. Admitting to yourself and accepting that you cannot do or be that and that you cannot 'save' the person you care about is hard too. Knowing that you cannot undo what has been done or go through what needs to be gone through for them, though you would if you could is hard.
I'm so glad you and your T were able to have that experience because you will be able to hold onto that during the hard time that will inevitably come.
Thank you again for sharing this, it's a really important post. Bless you Cricket.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2005, at 17:34:59
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 17:06:27
Cricket,
Damos said it all.But that was a very important session. Very important. One to be cherished. I hope it leads to continued growth of trust and connection.
You took a big risk letting out your fears about how he felt about you. I'm so glad, so glad he responded in a caring and thoughtful way.
I'm smiling for you and your T.
gg
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 17:53:37
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
:-)
Oh Cricket thats really great. I'm so glad. I was thinking that it really does sound like he is trying sometimes but that he was finding it really hard to sort out how to show you that he does care and to come across as a bit warmer and more caring. I'm so glad you were able to talk to each other about that.(And I know its scarey too)
Yeah, hold on to that one.
:-)
Posted by Tamar on September 15, 2005, at 17:59:19
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Wow, cricket! That sounds like an amazing session!
I think it’s particularly wonderful that your alters were able to say that they were afraid he wanted them to go away because he didn’t like them, especially after you felt he was angry and defensive.
And his response was incredible. Going from “So how could I not like you? I barely ever see you,” (which does sound a little defensive) to “I care about you.” It sounds to me as if he rose to the challenge. He needed the challenge, I think (going by what you’ve been saying in your last few posts). But it does sound as if he’s equal to it.
And it does sound as if he’s prepared to go through everything with you. He knows it will be hard (perhaps for him as well as for you) but he seems willing to do what it takes.
And when you asked for honesty he really was honest about how he perceives your life. And he was honest about how he thinks you perceive therapy. And he was honest about feeling frustrated about the difficulties ahead and about feeling he wished he could rescue the little girl you once were. That’s pretty honest.
I’m glad you were able to tell him that you like him. You said that it’s:
> Not much but as much as I could handle.
But I think that’s huge. Especially after the way you’ve been talking about therapy recently. And I think it should go some way towards alleviating his possible fear about whether the two of you can make appropriate progress.And I really like that he said getting to know you brings pleasure, and I’m glad that the hand squeeze felt reassuring.
It sounds to me as if you’ve both made a breakthrough and you’ve both allowed yourselves a bit of vulnerability that, I hope, will lead to further progress.
I guess my main thought is about maintaining that mutual honesty in your next session. I wonder if you will feel inclined to pull away, or whether you might perceive him as pulling away, because of the intimacy (for want of a better word) in this week’s session. I would imagine it would be a natural response to want to protect yourself if you might be afraid of disclosing more. I don’t think it’s a bad thing if you feel inclined to pull away (or if he seems to pull away), but I hope if it happens you’ll be able to remember that he said he cares about you, and I hope you’ll be able to move in closer again in due course. Just a thought.
I think you’ve been incredibly courageous. Well done!
Tamar
Posted by muffled on September 15, 2005, at 19:35:55
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long » cricket, posted by Tamar on September 15, 2005, at 17:59:19
Posted by Shortelise on September 15, 2005, at 20:06:11
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Cricket I am so glad for you. That *was* a really important session, you and your T were both open and both managed to communicate essential things. It brought real me joy to read your post because it seems this T really, really does care. And so do you. Ah, Cricket!!
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:03:03
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Oh Cricket, I'm so happy for you.
I can't say I'm incredibly surprised, because despite recent sessions, I've always gotten the feeling that your therapist did like you, and did want to work with you.
I'm glad he was able to say so outright.
Posted by kerria on September 15, 2005, at 23:26:19
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Hi Cricket,
That's beautiful- everything that you shared- about your T really caring and the way that he acted and the words that he said.
i wish that my T was like yours.
i can So relate to a session going like that- not being able to answer questions like "how was work' and 'How are things at home.' Also to the surprise when my parts come out and say things.
i'm so happy for you. It is good to record and remember.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 9:22:32
In reply to Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Cricket,
It makes me cry that you were so brave to be so honest, and it makes me cry that he was so open and loving toward you. This had to be SO difficult for you. I hope you can keep it in your mind how much he cares about you and how much he wants to know all of you, so that each time you go in there it's easier to open up.
fw
Posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 15:58:18
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 17:06:27
Thanks Damos. I'm glad you're around. You always make me feel better too.
Posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:00:01
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long, posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2005, at 17:34:59
Thanks GG. I'm glad we made you smile.
Posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:04:52
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 17:53:37
>
> Yeah, hold on to that one.
> :-)Okay, I'll try. Can you remind me though when I need it? :-)
Posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:06:53
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:04:52
Posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:13:12
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long » cricket, posted by Tamar on September 15, 2005, at 17:59:19
Thanks Tamar. There's always so much comfort and wisdom in your posts.
> I guess my main thought is about maintaining that mutual honesty in your next session. I wonder if you will feel inclined to pull away, or whether you might perceive him as pulling away, because of the intimacy (for want of a better word) in this week’s session. I would imagine it would be a natural response to want to protect yourself if you might be afraid of disclosing more. I don’t think it’s a bad thing if you feel inclined to pull away (or if he seems to pull away), but I hope if it happens you’ll be able to remember that he said he cares about you, and I hope you’ll be able to move in closer again in due course. Just a thought.
>
Oh yeah, I've already had the feeling "Well I think maybe I'll ask for a few weeks therapy break" but I think I can ride that one out.I will try to remember that he cares and that will help carry me over some bumps I think. I'm not sure I can traverse the therapy Himalayas yet, but posting here helps a lot too.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2005, at 20:43:04
In reply to Re: Important Session - Long, posted by cricket on September 16, 2005, at 16:04:52
> Okay, I'll try. Can you remind me though when I need it? :-)yeah, i'll try :-)
i'm sure that between all of us here...
you won't be allowed to forget ;-)
i really am so very pleased for you
really:-)
and what Tamar said was good...
next time might be a bit harder...
but then...
it might not be :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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