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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:47:57
Does anyone know how to live with opposing parts?
my parts are so different- they see everything so differently that it's a confusing mess to live. Everything keeps changing all the time. Every couple of hours the way i see T - the way i see therapy the things that i think are important change completely and the parts work against each other.i feel that i'm a hopeless cause. i never met anyone that had this kind of problem- i literally can't do anything without messing up . Unless i go to work (if i can get there- that will be a struggle) and stay there and only am the work person- but nothing else matter except work when i'm there. i forget about my family and everything.
My parts are so separate i'm losing hope. Please help. i'm losing hope that i can ever get better. i'm in crisis because it's so hard to live. No one understands .
My T can't help me.
He's the only one that knows me and we're in very bad shape. Who i am keeps changing all the time :(
i'm panicking because i'm so afraid it won't ever get any better. i keep forgetting my life again and again and other ways of my life take over. Is it like that with anyone else?i NEED someone to comfort me- to say it will get better. Please, Someone say it will get better.
My T needs to help me- i can't get anywhere trying to help myself because i can't know the rest of my parts. when i read what i wrote earlier here today, i can't recognize or identify with it and i'm so afraid. HELP!
i can't journal, it's too upsetting to read.
i'm so afraid i'll never get better. i need someone to help me. HELP!tears,
kerria:(
Posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 0:41:30
In reply to :( i'm so frustrated / parts so different, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:47:57
Kerria,
Maybe because I don't suffer from it, it's very hard for me to understand the concept of DID or how it's possible to have different parts. I just don't get it. I'm extremely sypathetic and I wish you could improve, but I haven't been there myself.
When I hear you talk, though, it seems to me that your experiences with different moods, wants and personalities hour by hour are not THAT different from non-DID people. For example, you said that you range between loving/hating your T (not your exact words, but I'm paraphrasing); that some of your parts want to go to therapy but others do not; some try and others undermine.
To me, that sounds like conflicted opinions in a non-DID person. Sometimes we all have serious difficulties resolving ambiguous feelings, opposite feelings, or mixes of love/hate, desire/non-desire, strength/weakness, etc. When I'm confused about someone, or see different sides of them, I change my opinion of them based on their most current action and my most current mood. (One example might be a boss - somtimes like him, sometimes I'm p**sed at him. I might even feel BOTH.)
SO many people are chronically late to therapy or other places they're conflicted about going -- Dr. appointments, school, work, or dates with friends they don't really like. The same people sometimes have no problems being on time for things like airplane flights, parties, movies, ferry rides -- the stuff they like! :) But in the end, SOMEONE in there is responsible for making choices and getting around. I think doing the right amount of planning ahead of time could help -- if the busses are late, get up 2 hours early. If you don't know the way, use mapquest or buy a map to help you find another route.
There is always an answer, if you really WANT to be there. I think that blaming it on parts not communicating may be part of your problem -- if you don't take responsibility for ANY of your actions b/c the problems are all due to parts, then you'll never improve...
Kerria, if you're truly incapable of getting places using buses right now due to pain, confusion or other issues, you probably NEED to be inpatient (in my opinion) to help you cope with the stresses of daily life and with your current situation.
But if you're just making excuses because you don't want to go, that's a completely different situation.
I think you shouldn't punish yourself, though, by walking in uncomfortable shoes and waiting for hours, then needing valium to recuperate. If you really don't want to go, just don't go! Be honest with yourself and cancel the appointment. It doesn't seem like you're helping yourself at all by doing a half-way effort and hurting yourself in the process....
I'm also concerned because when I read your notes, I hear a "I've completely given up" attitude. You always say that everything is bad, nobody helps you, people are unkind, doctors don't care, T doesn't care, etc.I think you're at the point where you need to stop being miserable in self-pity and actually do something to help yourself. I know that probably sounds very mean and harsh, and I apologize for it, but I'm worried that if you DON'T try to help yourself instead of just suffering, you'll reach a point where you CAN'T help yourself at all. Does that make sense?
Kerria, I truly DO want to see you get better, and I hope you do. The reason I wrote some of the things is because, above all, I want to be honest here. I don't want to offer false platitudes or phony assurances if I don't really think that way. I don't want to act like I'm thinking it's all OK when I really don't.
I'm extremely sorry if sounded harsh or b****y, because I'm not trying to be that way, and I'm not trying to hurt you. But I think it's important for you to start planning your strategy for getting better, getting to your T on time, finding a new T or pain doctor, etc.
Kerria, I wish you the BEST of luck with your plans. I'm sorry you're in pain, and I hope it improves soon. :)
take care,
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 1:04:08
In reply to :( i'm so frustrated / parts so different, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:47:57
Kerria,
you mentioned in a previous post that your pain started near the time that a chemical at work spilled into your protective suit, and you had to drive home wearing the suit.Can you tell us what chemical it is?
Were there no safety showers available on site? If your company did not provide adequate training or emergency response showers/911 aid / nurse's station for such issues, they are liable for any health issues you are suffering from it!
Did you tell your manager(s) about what happened, and did they do anything to help you?
Did your doctors have any concerns about the chemical causing pain/damage? They should be aware of the effects of certain chemicals. Have you yourself read the MSDS on the chemical to see if the symptoms you suffer are common effects of exposure?
I hope you're doing OK.
take care.
JenStar
Posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 5:44:32
In reply to Re: :( i'm so frustrated / parts so different » kerria, posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 0:41:30
Hi JenStar,
i don't have 'mixed feelings' about going to therapy or about seeing T. Some of my parts want to go and like him alot also and would never think about quitting.
i'm aware that some of my parts don't want to go to therapy because i remembered writing about it here and remember the trouble that i had yesterday and other days going to therapy.
i like my T and hope that he won't stop seeing me. i totally want to go to see my T. There ISN'T any mixed feelings at all. i'm so upset with myself that i didn't go yesterday- i needed the encouragement of someone that understands me so much. T is the only one in the world now that understands me.kerria:(
Posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 6:18:10
In reply to question about the chemical? » kerria, posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 1:04:08
((((((JenStar))))) thank you for being my friend.
i just got up for work and i only have a few minutes but thanks so much for being concerned and trying to brainstornm and help with the pain problem- i see the new Dr after work today.BTW, i didn't drive home with the suit on- it's a disposable plastic backed paper suit that's waterproof. i took it off as soon as i finished the job and had my regular clothes underneath that were wet with a fungicide called 'Subdue'.
There isn't a shower at work- It's an older facility and they plan to put them in. If i was thinking and didn't panic i could have rinsed at least with one of the hoses in another greenhouse that wasn't just used to apply. They plan to build showers at work- that is a problem they know about. i did report it to my boss, i co-worker was there at the time and afterwards my boss said that i could have took my clothes off and put on another suit.
My boss knows about the bone marrow problem and the pain but it's not clearly known if this was all a result of the accident. It's kind of impossible to know, i think. i didn't goes to the work clinic about it- the blood problem- a small "M-protein' spike was found by my dr when i went because of the severe pain that started a few months later.
Anywyas, i don't know what is causing the bad pain- i can't believe that the reason isn't known after all the tests and surgery i had. i told the drs about the fungicide, they cited as a possibility but there were no definate thoughts about it from any dr.
i tried to find out whether there were other types
of problems with people being injured by spilling it on them but there really is no data base or anywhere to find that kind of information that i've been able to find.Anyways i hope that the dr i see today with help with the pain relief so i can continue to work and not have to be in terrible pain. i don't apply chemicals anymore at work since the health problems started and i want to keep working if i can. i love my job.
Thanks for asking about it, JenStar. Maybe someone else has some knowledge about where i can find information about the chemicals and nerve damage. i still don't know if there's a connection- it also could be an injury- a nerve entrapment that i read about because of backpacking with a heavy load near the time that the pain started. i kept falling backwards with the heaviness of my pack.
Take care.
Have a good day :)
kerria
Posted by cricket on September 7, 2005, at 9:00:32
In reply to :( i'm so frustrated / parts so different, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:47:57
> i feel that i'm a hopeless cause. i never met anyone that had this kind of problem-
Okay, meet me. I have the same issue. My parts are very opposed. Some hate my T, some like him. One part works, the others don't.
I think that perhaps it's in the nature of DID to have opposing parts. If they were all in agreement, we might not even recognize them as separate.
> i NEED someone to comfort me- to say it will get better. Please, Someone say it will get better.
>
I think that it will get better. For my own sake too, I am hoping that.Please hang in there, Kerria. I will try to post more about my own situation and maybe that will help you somehow.
Posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 10:22:42
In reply to Re: question about the chemical? » JenStar, posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 6:18:10
hi Kerria,
Again, I'm sorry about the pain and I DO believe you that it's real pain. I hate the way doctors tell patients that stuff is "in their head" just because they (the docs) don't know what is going on.I wish I knew more about that particular chemical, but I don't. I'm also guessing that because it's a trdemarked name, the manufacturer doesn't tell the exact mix or ratio of chems in there? If the doctors have read the MSDS on the chem. and don't really think it is causing the issues, they may be right. I suppose fungicide isn't the worst chem. in the world...but still, you never know, like you said.
But regardless of that, the behavior of your company was AWFUL. They NEED to have appropriate safety response and protocols in case of emergency spills or body contact. They should have showers, and if there are no showers, they need to have immediate alternates available AND fully train/inform all employees on how to use it. Even if the chemical didn't cause your pain, your employer was very negligent in how the followed up with you. They were also extremely negligent in how they even trained and set up safety areas!
I'm not a lawyer, but I have worked in large corporations with dangerous chemicals, and I'm familiar with correct and legal safety protocols. It truly sounds to me like your employer was negligent in the area of safety and employee protection.
I don't know if there is anything you can do, but if you're in the USA, you could contact OSHA and ask about the employer's practices.
Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that!
And I hope your pain gets better soon. Even if the docs don't know what it is, I hope that it resolves itself or that you get better. I don't know how likely that is, but I hope it for you!JenStar
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