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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:01:57
I went into therapy because I wanted to make things better, to be happier, want my family to work better, wanted to fix the things about me I don't like. I hide myself from others because I'm afraid of what ppl will find out about me, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide. BUT I'm so afraid of what my T will find out about me, I'm afraid to tell him the things I think I have to tell him in order for him to help me. I'm afraid that he'll find out that I'm more messed up than even I know I am.
I want to be honest with my new T. I'm sure he's heard worse, but I don't want to admit the bad stuff, it's embarrassing and humiliating. I'm afraid he'll tell my p-doc, and I don't want him to know because I don't think you can know and understand in bits and pieces. My T gathered from our last session that I feel worthless and discarded - which is not entirely true or untrue. We talked about that. I don't want to talk about being raped because that went over so badly with the last T. I just don't want to go there again. And now I find that I don't want to tell him about the bad therapy I had as a teen, which led to the SI, which I only did once, but is still obvious, and still haunts me. It's just all so humiliating, it makes me feel so ...I don't know how to put it. I wish there were just a way to turn off bits and pieces of memory and things you did in the past, and reinstall new.
fairywings
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:50
In reply to Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger**, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:01:57
I'm sorry you're afraid. That's a terrible feeling.
I hid things from my T for a couple of yrs. Once I told her the truth she was able to help me in more specific ways. She told me later she had been assuming I had been sexually abused by my father (which wasn't even close to what I was hiding from her.) Very painful but also VERY FREEING once it was over. It just seemed to take a long time before I could trust her enough to let her in.
Is there a way to divulge just a little info at a time to him so you can test the waters and possibly build your trust in him? Baby steps?
crazy t
Posted by sunny10 on August 29, 2005, at 10:53:42
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:50
FW-
you wrote that I should find a T that works for me.
Do you think the same applies to you? Do you think you can find a T that you know won't judge you no matter what you reveal about yourself?
-sunny10
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 11:00:34
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:50
>
> Is there a way to divulge just a little info at a time to him so you can test the waters and possibly build your trust in him? Baby steps?
>thanks t,
it's weird, i know i can "trust" him, he seems really nice, very accepting, and my p-doc thinks he's good, so i automatically trust him. but i don't want him to "know" about me, and i'm afraid he'll find something bad out and tell my p-doc i'm really messed up! LOL great, i go to a T and am too embarrassed that he'll find out the truth about me, how messed up is that!?
Does anyone else feel that way?!With the last T i didn't get to the point where i felt safe or felt i could trust him. i felt threatened and judged sometimes. but right off the bat, with this T i know he's good because he's friends with my p-doc, he's safe, he's only there to help, but along with that, he can interpret things ... you know like when he said he thinks i feel "worthless and discarded", i got defensive, not mad, just defensive.
i want to do therapy, but i don't want to get into the messy stuff. argh! i have a headache! ; )
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 11:09:39
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger**, posted by sunny10 on August 29, 2005, at 10:53:42
> FW-
>
> you wrote that I should find a T that works for me.
>
> Do you think the same applies to you? Do you think you can find a T that you know won't judge you no matter what you reveal about yourself?
>
> -sunny10hi sunny,
i know "he won't judge me", he's so, so nice, so accepting, and i felt very comfortable talking to him. my issue is that i don't want ppl to know the truth about me, thinking they'll think less of me. the first session with him he went over by 20 min. just because i said his interpretation of me was wrong, he wanted to know "where" he had gone wrong, and wanted to discuss it until we were both okay with it. i told him more in that one session than i told the previous T in all of our sessions, and i'm bound and determined to eventually tell him everything, i'm just afraid because to me it's all very embarrassing and humiliating. i don't know why i don't want this person i don't even know to think less of me, maybe because of his connection with my p-doc, and i think the world of my p-doc. i think i should just tell him how i feel about all of this this week and see what he says. i think i'll discuss confidentiality too, so i'm sure he's not talking to my p-doc.
fw
Posted by sunny10 on August 29, 2005, at 14:08:44
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » sunny10, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 11:09:39
confidentiality notwithstanding, how can you get anything out of therapy if you can't tell him about you?
He can't help you until he knows you, right?
Otherwise, he might as well be trying to help me!
It's be a shame to waste an insurance co-pay that way, right?(It's beginning to sound like I'm arguing with myself on your thread and mine... sigh... maybe I'm just schizo and THAT'S my problem...)
Posted by Tamar on August 29, 2005, at 14:34:31
In reply to Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger**, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:01:57
Hi fairywings,
Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to get into the messy stuff. I decided before my first meeting with my ex-T that I wasn’t going to talk to him about being raped, or my past SI. After a few weeks, though, I changed my mind. I don’t think it’s possible to know right at the beginning how you’re going to be able to talk about the messy stuff. But in time perhaps it will come.
What helped me a lot was that we talked a bit about *how* we would talk about it *before* we talked about it, if that makes sense. I told my ex-therapist that I wanted to talk about some sexual violence in my past. He said that some women find it hard to talk to a man about that kind of thing. I said it didn’t make any difference to me whether I talked to a man or a woman, and he asked me to go away and think about how I might talk about it. So I thought about it and I realised that in fact I pretty much only talked to men about it, on a need-to-know basis (i.e. men I was sexually involved with). And after talking of course there was comfort, including sexual comfort. So I had to think about what it would be like for me to talk to a man about it without physical comfort and without having sex afterwards. And at the next session we talked about that a bit. And after a few sessions of talking around it we finally talked about it directly. But I really needed that preparation.
Of course, if you don’t want your therapist to talk about it with your p-doc you can ask him not to. I’m pretty sure there’s no reason why your p-doc has to know any of it if you would prefer it were kept confidential.
I don’t know if that’s any help. But I think I can understand why you’re reluctant to talk about it, particularly after your not-so-good experience with your recent ex-T.
I hope it’ll get easier for you.
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 15:05:58
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by sunny10 on August 29, 2005, at 14:08:44
> confidentiality notwithstanding, how can you get anything out of therapy if you can't tell him about you?
>
> He can't help you until he knows you, right?
>
> Otherwise, he might as well be trying to help me!
> It's be a shame to waste an insurance co-pay that way, right?
>
> (It's beginning to sound like I'm arguing with myself on your thread and mine... sigh... maybe I'm just schizo and THAT'S my problem...)LOL, that's the problem, exactly, what a stupid thing for me to do, start therapy and then be afraid to tell him the stuff he needs to know to help me! it didn't occur to me that i had that fear until, at the end of the session, he said, i'll just spend the next 3 or 4 appts getting to know you. it put the fear of god in me! i don't know what i expected! lol i'll get over it. i know i have to talk, i know i have to disclose stuff, i know it won't be fun and games. sorry i'm so frustrating, are u glad u aren't my T?! LOL
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 15:26:02
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by Tamar on August 29, 2005, at 14:34:31
Thanks Tamar,
that really does help, just to know i'm not the only one who feels that way. i do know we'll have to get into the messy stuff, don't know why all of a sudden i felt a panicky feeling when he said he'd "get to know me". i'm sure he's heard it all before, but you wonder how much they've heard of the SI. i don't know how common it is in this practice, and i don't want to be the only one. i don't do it any more, but i did do it. oh well, thanks for helping me. i feel like such a freak.
fw
Posted by daisym on August 29, 2005, at 15:41:41
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » Tamar, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 15:26:02
I think you think you need to jump into the deep end to prove you can swim. I don't think he is asking you to do that. It sounds more like he wants to know how you like the water - hot or cold? - and do you swim with your head under the water, or out? Etc. Etc.
Getting to know you means setting up a context for the work. How old are you, what kind of a mother, wife and woman are you? How do you self-soothe, who are your friends? Not the messy dark stuff if you don't want to start there. And as this happens, I think you get to know him. Does he tell stories, or use metaphors? Does he shift when he is thinking, or sit really still? Does he wear blue on Tuesdays...stuff like that.
Don't push yourself too hard. He hasn't earned your trust yet, as good as his credentials and recommendations are. You have to let that grow a little, and then you might feel like telling him stuff. I do think that it is good though that you want to be as honest as you can in order to let him help you. This is important. I'm surprised at the number of people who go into therapy putting their best foot forward trying to prove they are are just fine.
If we were all just fine, why would we have entered therapy in the first place?!
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 16:21:03
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » crazy teresa, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 11:00:34
I know exactly what you're talking about! That's why I didn't want to tell mine! LOL!!
Getting your defenses up protects you somehow. Too close to the truth for you to feel comfortable.
Just snap your fingers and fix me you silly T, there's no need for me to feel the pain... if it were only this easy... instead it's like having your labor induced and having no pain meds--a real bitch.
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 17:23:13
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 16:21:03
>
> Just snap your fingers and fix me you silly T,LOL, can I quote you on that! I love it!
fw
Posted by rainbowbrite on August 29, 2005, at 17:30:39
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » crazy teresa, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 17:23:13
>Just snap your fingers and fix me you silly T,
Oh you mean....they dont do that?
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 17:34:28
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by daisym on August 29, 2005, at 15:41:41
Hi Daisy,
You think so well, my brain doesn't do that ...ever! He did a lot of this work the first session, so that's good, he really covered a lot of ground. Self soothe? What is that? I yell, a LOT! LOL I'm not very good at self soothing. I'm not very observant either, I hope I get to know him. I do think that already I know our communication styles don't mesh exactly. You know sometimes you just click, well there were a few times when he didn't understand me, but that's okay, I don't mind explaining myself. I didn't really think about stuff like style or how he worked with the ex T, at least not in a conscious way, I guess I thought about it in terms of his "manner". I'll have to be more aware.
Okay, I'll make him earn my trust! ; ) I do want to see what kind of questions he asks, although I hate being surprised by questions. I don't think quickly on my feet, and get flustered. LOL, I don't think I expected to put my best foot forward, but I when he said he'd get to know me, it sounded too scary.
How in the heck did you get so smart anyway?!
Thanks for your help.
fw
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 20:08:30
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » crazy teresa, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 17:23:13
>
> >
> > Just snap your fingers and fix me you silly T,
>
> LOL, can I quote you on that! I love it!
> fw
Absolutely. I'll fax over the release forms right away. BTW, all royalties must be paid in cash...
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 22:00:29
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger**, posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 20:08:30
Posted by Poet on August 29, 2005, at 22:25:45
In reply to Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger**, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:01:57
Hi Fairywings,
I don't know how to turn off those bits and pieces, but I think it's okay to share them slowly and at your comfort level.
Therapy for me is at a snail's pace, but my therapist sees that I trust her more and more. She asked me if I thought in the beginning I would ever trust her this much and I said no. Let it build slowly and don't push yourself. Remind me I said that next time I say I can't do therapy.
Safe cyber hugs.
Poet
Posted by fairywings on August 30, 2005, at 6:46:02
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by Poet on August 29, 2005, at 22:25:45
Thanks Poet,
i don't know why i think i have to dump it out there all at once, maybe to get it out there and over with, but i will go slowly, and let him guide me.
i hope you don't have a next time with your T! ; )
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by sunny10 on August 30, 2005, at 7:58:37
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » sunny10, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 15:05:58
I'd love to be your T, fairywings!
I'd just keep telling you over and over that you are a beautiful person and cite examples of your kindness and generosity of spirit until you believed me.
Posted by fairywings on August 30, 2005, at 8:32:54
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » fairywings, posted by sunny10 on August 30, 2005, at 7:58:37
> I'd love to be your T, fairywings!
>
> I'd just keep telling you over and over that you are a beautiful person and cite examples of your kindness and generosity of spirit until you believed me.LOL! Thanks Sunny! If we could have a babble convention once a year for a month and all of us could attend we might all feel better about ourselves! We could all agree to only look at the positive in each other, to help eachother, and try to care about each other. We could have camp comfort, and slumber parties, make-overs, massages, relaxation, fun and frolic, and consultations with only perfect p-docs and Ts, who would promise to put us in touch with other perfect Ts if we needed a referral.
I'll work on winning the lottery, and we'll hold our conference in ..... hmmm, how does either, Grand Cayman or Disneyworld sound?
fw
Posted by sunny10 on August 31, 2005, at 9:17:08
In reply to Re: Afraid of what he'll find out about me **trigger** » sunny10, posted by fairywings on August 30, 2005, at 8:32:54
This is the end of the thread.
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