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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2005, at 16:34:26
I do.
I've been thinking about this for the last couple days... And I only saw her three days ago lol!
:-(
I emailed her and got a nice (but brief) response.
She said she is really busy
:-(
I guess that now the numbness issue has been sorted now I'm going to get all clingy and stuff
:-(
I think I preferred the numbness.I hate that. Often once one issue seems to be sorted then almost the exact opposite becomes the next issue.
I feel a bit better thinking about her...
But I miss her too.
And that hurts.
A lot.I wish I didn't have to have emotions
:-(
Posted by Damos on August 24, 2005, at 17:57:47
In reply to I really want to see my t..., posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2005, at 16:34:26
They're a bugger aren't they? So hard to find the middle ground sometimes. And you're probably right it may well be different sides of the same coin.
I know it's easier said than done but try just to observe the emotions not attach to them. Not being numb anymore doesn't have to mean being clingy. It's just another corner of the same room. You're moving the furniture around in there but it's still not quite right. As bad as it feels right now, it may actually be really good, this feeling that you want to connect with her again. Just try to know in your heart that you've done it now and you can do it again, and that just because you can't see her, you aren't going to lose that connection. It's like a really long piece of elastic.
Losing the numbness is a HUGE thing and it's only reasonable that it will set off a bit of wobbliness for a while, because the feelling is so strange, and because not being numb lets all this other stuff in too. Get out, have a coffee with someone if you can, bask in the absence of numbness. Go and have cheesecake to celebrate what you achieved because it's big. The absence of the numbness isn't dependant on her. It's about you, it's in you, it's miraculous and wonderful.
Posted by kerria on August 24, 2005, at 21:37:51
In reply to I really want to see my t..., posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2005, at 16:34:26
(((((((alexandra))))))))
i'm sorry it's so painful to miss seeing your T.
i know the numb feeling so well. Sometimes when it's 50 min after the hour and time to leave- almost every time we're a complete mess- a part will become numb or else a protector part will be angry with T and not even shake his hand if he offers.
sending comfort to you.
Maybe you will get busy with school soon. i hope that it's fun,
take care,
kerria
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2005, at 21:52:01
In reply to Re: I really want to see my t... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 24, 2005, at 17:57:47
Hey. Yeah. I'm wondering what on earth that was about now... Maybe it was about wishful thinking... Wishful thinking. Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2005, at 21:53:41
In reply to Re: I really want to see my t... » alexandra_k, posted by kerria on August 24, 2005, at 21:37:51
Hey. Yeah, I find ending sessions really hard too. Need some time to reorient myself to the prospect of walking out of there back into RL.
I remember a while ago in therapy...
I'd become inexplicably upset in the last half hour.
Took a while to figure out what was going on.
Needed more of a wind down.It sucks feeling so fragile sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2005, at 21:59:15
In reply to Re: I really want to see my t... » kerria, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2005, at 21:53:41
Hmm.
Couple days of feeling attached...
I think I have become the 'butterfly' patient.
The patient that never really does feel attached.
:-(I'm just not...
Appoitment to see registrar tomorrow.
Wait and see wait and see.
T wanted to talk about that today.
Not a particularly good choice in topic...
Brought back a lot of stuff...
Is it that people in the service don't realise how much it hurts me when they won't work with me?
Is it that they fully realise and don't care?
Round and round the same f*cking circles
:-(
I'm not sure that I can be light-hearted about all this.I know I told my t that it was about meds...
But the truth is...
Its not.
Its about more than that.
But I didn't want to tell her...That I'm still back in that same place:
Am I going to get treatment from the service?:-(
Wait and see wait and see
Appreciate that the most likely answer is 'no'
Accept that with good grace
Accept it go numb
Go numb
Walk the hell out of there
Hold my head up
Don't let the bastards grind you down.The appropriate attitude is hard.
I'm not sure whether I can summon it...
But...
I'll try my best
I really really will.
Posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 0:06:45
In reply to One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2005, at 21:59:15
Guess I could jump the ditch again and come with you if it'd help. What time you going?
Sadly I think it's probably option c) Don't know and don't care. But there are exceptions to every rule. Sometimes as hard as it is you have to try and assume good intent.
I'll be sending you every last bit of love and strength and hope and courage and support I've got.
Attachment is a real problem for me too. Still so much doubt around this - around me. But the ability to love and to deeply connect and resonate and to be deeply and truly loved is within you Alex. It is.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 29, 2005, at 0:20:03
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 0:06:45
Just jumping in here- I guess insecurity with attachment, or even an avoidant approach to it, is everyone's core problem in their struggles to use therapy to get well. We're all trying to move towards a secure attachment which we can count on, and use to be trustful and loving in our other relationships IRL. And people are accomplishing it all the time. It's just so painful when we haven't gotten there yet, or when we find it for a session or two and then lose it again. I feel convinced that we can all do it- it's part of our human heritage.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 3:30:01
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 0:06:45
Yeah. I think it is going to be option c as well.
So here is how the story goes...
Registrar gets a pile of file histories dumped on him: welcome to your new caseload.
And so my last assessment says: working with registrars reinforces my dissociation.
Registrar thinks 'if I work with her I'll make her worse' and thus makes the ethical decision to get me the hell out of there soon as possible.
And there it is.
Accept it...
Best I can...
And move on...What my t said...
What my t said that was hard...
Was 'why the hell are you going?'
And I could see that what she was getting at was:
'Why are you giving them the power?'
And why am I?
I can't tell whether I'm being cautious with the attachment thingimie for a legit reason
Or whether I'm doing my usual half there half not there thing
Avoiding
Because I'm afraid
Where that isn't so justified by the present situation.It can be really hard to figure out when to trust yourself
And when not to.
Crap
crap
crap
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 3:32:48
In reply to Attachment, posted by Pfinstegg on August 29, 2005, at 0:20:03
> Just jumping in here-
:-) Nice to hear from you.
Yeah. I have this horrible avoidance / attachment thing going on. Even with the t's I really really liked and felt very attached to. I'd never ever admit that in a million years because I thought I'd simply drop dead with embarrasment first. Didn't realise how that looked until one didn't process termination with me because she honestly believed I'd be fine.
I reckon we can do it too.
Lots of hard work
But I reckon it is surely possible.
:-)
Posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 17:26:35
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 3:30:01
Hmmm,
Well that being the case, I'm probably with your 'T' on this one. If you play out the possible scenarios and the percentages of your just being hurt are equal to or greater than that of something good happening for you, then I probably wouldn't go. Honestly Alex I don't really think you need someone else reinforcing the bad sh*t that's already happened and hard enought to deal with or adding new bad sh*t to your bucket.
Yes, you've had a few wobbles, but you managed the thing with the p-doc okay and the stuff of the last couple of weeks or so without a major crash. So trust your gut. if you don't feel right about it then don't go. You have the right to say 'No, I will not let you hurt me anymore.'
We're all here for you no matter what.
And I selfishly need you okay so you can teach me more about philosophy and thinking and so much of the interesting stuff you like to discuss that just washes over me in waves right now.
Take good care you.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 20:20:08
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 17:26:35
she was right. he was nice. but yeah, my file was just one of the many that his supervisor decided to throw his way. his supervisor won't come near me with a barge pole because there was some misunderstanding all the way back... and he thought i was threatening him or something <cringe>. anyways... sometimes i really do hate my self so very damned much. i'm feeling sorry for him (for what i'm saying and how i'm feeling and how f*cking hard i can be to be around sometimes) and going off kind of at him at the same time. f*ck f*ck F*CK. still... he didn't throw me out just kind of sat there... said the odd stupid thing but then really, what is there to say. and how i feel... how i feel is just like when i was a little kid and i'm living with my mother and in my room mostly and so f*cking lonely only i don't know that thats what it is and im thinking WHY WON'T SOMEONE F*CKING HELP ME and nobody does and nobody comes and funding this and that blah blah blah and the outcome is the same. and its not so very damned hard to make sense of yourself sometimes but the world is just f*cking crazy. and people are overworked and i don't f*cking care they are lazy sacks of sh*t who will dump people off because they can't be bothered. because effort is a scarce resource. because they can't handle not knowing every f*cking thing. and its pathetic. thats what it is. f*cking pathetic. there isn't anyone to treat me? well so im just supposed to what??? nobodies treated that before...
IM A F*CKING PERSON YOU *SSHOLES
WHAT F*CKING DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE???
SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO WHAT???
CURL UP AND DIE SOMEWHERE???
and i didn't say all that but i did say i wouldn't go back and see him again. that it must be horrible for him to sit there and listen to that because its not his fault and it does me no good. it does me no good. because its hard to put away.give me a couple days...
i'll come right.
Posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 20:48:32
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 20:20:08
> IM A F*CKING PERSON YOU *SSHOLES
> WHAT F*CKING DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE???
> SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO WHAT???
> CURL UP AND DIE SOMEWHERE???You are! A beautiful, wonderful, amazing person Alex, in so many ways. If they can't see that it's their loss.
It makes an enormous difference to all of us who are lucky enough to know you - even just a little. An enormous difference. You are really someone very special to so many of us. Your very being brings so much to our lives.
No! Absolutely not. We need you. Flip 'em the bird and say "F*ck you! I'm gonna be alright, just to really p*ss you off."
I know none of that really helps the least little bit. It s*cks and it isn't fair and it shouldn't happen over and over.
But we love you Alex, pure and simple, now and always.
> give me a couple days...
> i'll come right.You know where to find me if I can help.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 6:06:45
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2005, at 20:20:08
Sorry...
Bit of an outburst.
The trouble is...
Being at more than one place at one time.
Thats how it feels.
Or like being in two different places at one time.
Its like I'm split between the present and some time in the past.
And I can see this...
I can see whats happening
But I feel like an observer
Powerless to stop it.I feel ashamed about losing it like that.
cringe.
yet again.
email adresses are hard to get...
not sure why.
i want to apologise.
he was nice and he asked if i wanted to talk
or come back and talk to him again
but he's going in two months.i'd rather email him.
and if things get bad and i need to go to hospital it will at least be an available option.I'll be okay.
take it easy.
give it a couple days.
maybe write something.impulse control.
i reckon thats my problem
:-(
Posted by cricket on August 30, 2005, at 16:40:32
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 29, 2005, at 17:26:35
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
I'm sorry it's so hard right now.
I'm right there with you with the avoidant/attachment thing. I guess you know that.
Please hang in there. You help me figure out so many things. So many times I struggle with an issue and I wonder, "Well what would Alex think?"
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 16:43:31
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 6:06:45
maybe its a test.
because of my history
because of all that past sh*t
lurking in my seven files
(though its probably more than that now).
and memories
and talks
past takes
coloured by past diagnoses.
and to get past that
it is like i have to haul their *sses through
show them i have moved beyond it
show them that i aren't always
such a f*cking horrible person to be around
and maybe its a test.
maybe thats it.
and if i pass
maybe someone will work with me
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 16:53:24
In reply to Re: and maybe its a test, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 16:43:31
and it was all because my i had a stomach bug
was throwing up
and he said he'd get me some pill to take
to stop the nausea
and my partner said
'what good is that going to do when she is only going to throw it up again'
and if he knew the answer to that that was the time
but he didn't
and somehow or other things got worse
and she stood up and yelled a little
and he was a small man
and felt threatenedand somehow...
thats my fault.and i wore black to the appoitment
and that was dully noted
much was made of that
i realised when i obtained a copy
of that particular file
and what he didn't know was the rule
the rule in the household:
first up best dressed
and i forgot to do the f*cking washingbut there must be some more...
or he must have heard something...time to put it away now.
i've realised that i have a mess
a big mess
a thesis full of mess
and no apparant structure.
easy enough when its not terribly many words
to just start again
but its too big for that
and today is the day
for an outline
to begin to impose a structureand i will be okay
little time
little distance
and things start to make sense again
but not in person
never in person
why did i have to have a body for???
and why in the hell did i get landed with this one???and there isn't an answer to that
there is notits like asking 'what happened before the big bang'
the answer to the question of what lies outside space and time
lies outside space and time
w.
though i don't see why...
its just that
the question lies beyond science
and science is silent on the answerwhen all else fails...
when the facts underdetermine...
back to the arts.
Posted by Damos on August 30, 2005, at 17:20:45
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 6:06:45
Hey :-)
Kinda think I know what you mean. I'm almost sure his eminence Lord Larry Hoover had a thread about this kinda thing a while back - sure he did.
But yeah, I know what you mean I get that way sometimes too when something gets set off and while you know it's coming from you, you're really just kind of there watching it happen wondering where is this coming from.
Please don't feel ashamed. You've got so much stuff to be triggery about around this, and when you combine that with just how important it is to you and the frustration that has been built up over so long, it's hardly a surprise that when you sensed it was just a re-run of what's gone before you let fly. Your T and I probably didn't help by setting up in your mind a picture that meant you could go in and check the boxes against the picture and instantly feel; "F*ck no, not again." Sorry.
If you can't get his email, then a short hand-written note would probably be nice. And if you're anything like me you probably self distort what you actually said/did into something waaaay worse than it actually was anyway. But a sincere apology and thank you for at least taking time to see me never goes astray. The simple fact that you feel the need to do it says good things about you kiddo, lots of good things. Many wouldn't.
It's probably a vicious circle. "I can't therapy to help we resolve and work through stuff, so when you tell me I can't get any help - again, it triggers off all the stuff you won't give me any help to deal with." And round and round it goes.
Probably a good idea to give yourself a couple of days. Read a book, write some stuff, let it go for a bit.
See ya round like a rissole :-P
Posted by henrietta on August 30, 2005, at 20:40:17
In reply to Re: and maybe its a test, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2005, at 16:53:24
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time getting the assistance you deserve. But I agree with you: you will be ok! You're a marvelous human, and it shouldn't take long for them to figure that out if they've got any sense whatsoever. (((((((Alex))))))
hen
Posted by alexandra_k on August 31, 2005, at 6:11:35
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 30, 2005, at 17:20:45
Thanks Damos. Yeah. I'm feeling a bit better now. Time and space. It comes right in the end.
Two months. And he said he'd email me in a few weeks (he wants to check with my old p-doc about whether he has any ideas of who might work with me). So I'll probably only see / talk to him once or twice again.
I wish I could just accept that and make the most of it at the time. But its hard to know how to make the most of that.
But I'll be okay.
I will write something.
And hopefull if we do meet again
I'll have a little more self-control.
Thats how it feels
Like I lost it a little
I hate that
When I think I'm mentally prepared.
But actually, I'm not.
Not prepared enough.And I have to be.
I know that.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 31, 2005, at 6:12:53
In reply to Re: One step foward, however fr*gging many steps back, posted by cricket on August 30, 2005, at 16:40:32
Thanks Cricket.
:-)
Attachment is hard...
But then so are emotions...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 31, 2005, at 6:15:49
In reply to Re: and maybe its a test » alexandra_k, posted by henrietta on August 30, 2005, at 20:40:17
Thanks hen.
I think...
If I think of it as a test...
I just might be able to cope.And something that I should say
That I might have forgotten to say
Is that the p-docs who did work with me for a while
They helped me.
And what was so hard about them going was that there wasn't anyone to replace their role in my life.
But when people come and go all the time it is really hard.
Because it takes time
And I think it takes me a while
Posted by Damos on August 31, 2005, at 17:40:53
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on August 31, 2005, at 6:11:35
Glad to see your smiling self looking a little brighter :-)
Maybe it's not so much being mentally prepared as emotionally prepared, and I honestly don't know just how the h*ll you do that. But I am willing to help you try and work it out.
Right now though I think you're right to let it go and not worry about the next time until it gets here. Can't change the past or live in the future. And g*d knows just being relatively okay for most of a today is hard enough.
Puppy magee sends love and hugs too.
P.S: You'll have to tell me what you think of the book.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 0:54:45
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on August 31, 2005, at 17:40:53
> Glad to see your smiling self looking a little brighter :-)
:-)
> Maybe it's not so much being mentally prepared as emotionally prepared, and I honestly don't know just how the h*ll you do that.email / writing. no more meeting in person.
> Puppy magee sends love and hugs too.
Give her a hug from me.
> P.S: You'll have to tell me what you think of the book.
I'm about halfway through.
It's a little odd...
I think I'm getting into it.
But... I think I just read too much pop science is my problem
Makes getting into the spirit of fantasy / fiction a bit harder...
Posted by Damos on September 1, 2005, at 17:12:23
In reply to Re: shouldn't have gone » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 0:54:45
Hey :-)
We'll probably get bumped to books, but quickly while no-one's looking. Come closer and I'll whisper so we don't get caught. Shhhhhhh.
Yes the first one can take a while to get into, but once you give youreslf over to the complete absurdity and ridiculousness of it all it becomes a magical place to get lost in and the 3 books that follow become all the more enjoyable because you can just escape into them and let this whole other world come to life around you. I know when I'm really enjoying books like these because I catch myself laughing out loud on the train.
And yes it's important to just let the old brain box spin freely every now and again - it's necessary and actually helps with the other.
Oh no, I think they've seen us. Quick! Hide!
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