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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
I am in my therapist's outer office, his office door is open, there are several clocks there (none in reality) that all say different times. By some I am late, by others, early. My watch says I am on time, but I don't trust it.
I wait, not knowing if I am early and should wait, or late and should let him know I'm there, then am inside - don't know how. The two clocks there are also showing different times, all within 20 minutes of each other, all of these clocks.
We talk and talk - about what I don't know but it's very intense, very important and deep for me. Then he walks to his desk, gets a camera, one like my husband's Roleiflex (sp?), sits back in his chair and takes a photo of me, as I protest. I tell him I feel so ugly that to have a photograph of me there in his office, showing how fat and ugly I am, showing how unattractive I am there, showing WHAT I THINK HE SEES (!!)would be dreadful for me. I try to wrestle the camera from his hands, and manage to open the back and expose the film to the light. He is angry that I have ruined the other photos on the roll.End of dream. Woke up with a cold and sore throat. Ugh.
ShortE
Posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 16:31:43
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
Wow, that's a really good one. I'm not much for interpretation but I don't think you have to look real far to come up with some ideas of what it might be about.Especially the camera part. I wonder what the clocks stuff is about. I bet gg and daisy will have some good ideas. And maybe some other folks. What do you think?
Will you bring it to your next session?
Posted by orchid on August 8, 2005, at 16:34:41
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
It is possible you are confused about your termination - if this is the right time for termination and it is showing up as different times in the clocks?
I don't have much clue about the camera and picture, maybe you are just thinking how visible you are to him - how he sees you as you are.. and you are perhaps afraid that he sees you with lot of ugliness.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2005, at 16:46:52
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
It seems to have some of the same elements as the last dream. That probably makes it significant.
Exposure and uncertainty about knowing what to do.
The clocks probably have something to do with termination, wouldn't you think?
Posted by Daisym on August 8, 2005, at 20:16:27
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
Just my two cents and I'm in a terrible therapy hangover so bear with me:
For me the clocks represented confusion with when to arrive, when to leave and what to believe. You said you didn't trust your own watch, so if you think you need to go have a session NOW but you think he thinks you should wait...there is a conflict and confusion about what to do. And I agree with what someone else said about it all being related to terminations.
The camera is really interesting. A freeze frame of who you were at a session that is really deep and important to you. So you must have been exposed emotionally. And he wants to capture it and contain it. Freeze it. And you won't let him. Because you are worried that this is the you he will remember? Because you don't want to stay this contained? Because pictures are about memories and you don't want to be a memory yet?
I'm not sure about the anger at ruining the other pictures, you didn't say if they were of you or of other people. But if you have ruined the other pictures of yourself by having this tantrum over the camera...that sounds a lot like what has been going on for you the past few months. If it was other people on the role, I'm not sure.
However - My therapist would say, "what do you think it all means? And what feelings are called up?" (I'd actually really like to know.)
Posted by Shortelise on August 9, 2005, at 13:21:52
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
I know he is available to me, but I don't know when. (I've tried to see him for the last three weeks, since our last appointment but there was never time for me.)
When I felt I needed to see him - my time - he couldn't see me. So my time was wrong.The clocks show different times - I don't know if I have lots of time, or not much time left. (Oh, that gets me when I write it, gives me that pain in my bones.) I don't know if I am doing this termination thing right, like a good patient, or wrong, taking too much time. (That hurts to write, too).
Then the intense conversation. I am so absorbed in it, then he takes this photo. Maybe it's about him telling me how he sees me and how painful that is? He "points things out to me" about myself, and I hate it. I always have. I always feel ugly when he does it, criticised. I fight back and ruin other things? Like when I left his office time before last calling him a nasty little man? It injured what is between us?
The other photos on the roll are not of me. And in the dream, he unravels the film a little. Opening the back as I did only should have ruined part of the roll, but his fiddling probably exposed the whole role. I reached over and closed the camera and said, maybe it isn't all ruined.
So is he partially responsible? Do I see that he is also part of what is making things difficult?
I do blame him, I say it's his "fault", his doing, when in fact I feel it's mine. If I were a better patient, person, human, girl, woman, listener, etc etc etc, things would be different. If I just weren't me, it would be better.
Thanks, friends. You all really help.
SHortE
Posted by Daisym on August 9, 2005, at 14:40:32
In reply to my interpretation, posted by Shortelise on August 9, 2005, at 13:21:52
***I do blame him, I say it's his "fault", his doing, when in fact I feel it's mine. If I were a better patient, person, human, girl, woman, listener, etc etc etc, things would be different. If I just weren't me, it would be better.***
You sound so sad, ShortE... I have to wonder upon reading what you wrote if you really are ready for termination. Seems like there is some work to be done in the self-esteem area. And as I write this I wonder if you only feel this way with your therapist or if you do globalize it. Do you employ the "if only I was" thinking about other experiences that make you unhappy? Or can you sort those things better because the emotional intensity isn't there. Or maybe it is...I wonder if no matter how much growth we have, we will always feel the need to be someone different to hang on to our therapists. Or maybe not different, but more the person who needed and received their help, vs. the person in the "real world" who functions much better and is happier.
I'm rambling. Sorry, just thinking as I go. I think you understand yourself and your dream very well. But it strikes me (again) that naming it, understanding it, doesn't inform us as to what to do about it, or stop it -- whatever "it" is.
Have we said therapy is hard? It is *so* hard! I wish I knew how to make it better for you.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 15:05:36
In reply to my interpretation, posted by Shortelise on August 9, 2005, at 13:21:52
This is the end of the thread.
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