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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 16:35:30
I don't like anything about it.. I don't like anything at all..
I am feeling so trapped and overwhelmed..
I don't want to go back, and I don't want to stay here.. I don't want to be with my husband, and I can't get away from him, and I don't like even my parents.. I don't want to go back to them.. and I don't like myself. And I miss my ex T - wish he would atleast write a one liner to me saying things will become allright, but he won't. And I can't seem to be able to digest it fully.
I am feeling so trapped and suffocated. And don't know what to do.
Posted by Jen Star on July 19, 2005, at 17:13:28
In reply to I hate my life.. **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 16:35:30
hi Pinkeye,
even if you don't like yourself right now, you will again soon. And lots of people HERE like you a lot too! (me, for example!) You have a lot of great qualities -- you're smart, interesting, spiritual, thoughtful, insightful,and talented. Don't put yourself down. You're a great person.Are you having doubts about going to India? If so, what steps do you need to complete in order to stay? I mean, I know you said you want to go. But if on a crazy whim, on an exotic scheme, you decided NOT to go (even if your hubby went) -- what steps would help you get through the most difficult phase of it?
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 17:21:54
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Jen Star on July 19, 2005, at 17:13:28
I don't know.. Right now, I can't seem to find a way out of any of it.. On one hand, I don't want to go and lose my job, but on the other hand, I want a break and want to go.
I don't want to stay with my husband.. But I also like him sometimes..
And I am so angry at my ex T today again for leaving me like that. And I know it is just a never ending pain..
And I hate myself. I really do. I don't even think I am worthy of being posted to. I really really don't like me..
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 18:13:16
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » Jen Star, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 17:21:54
Life is totally and completely unfair sometimes. And it is really rotten that choosing one thing means losing other things.
I kind of hate my life right now too.
But I don't doubt that I'm worthy of a reasonably good life. And I don't doubt that you are either.
Posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 18:18:35
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 18:13:16
Today is as bad as it has ever gotten to me.. Life is totally meaningless and it is not worth it. And I don't even really feel like asking for anyone to help .. IT hasn't been this bad ever.
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 18:21:53
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 18:18:35
I'm not sure it's meaningless, because I figure its meaning is what meaning we give it.
But I do think it's scary and unfair and shouldn't be either.
I'm angry with life.
Posted by Susan47 on July 19, 2005, at 21:20:35
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 18:21:53
Pretty much that's how I feel. I don't understand how on the surface things can be "good" in a person's life yet underneath there can be so much depressed feeling. There's so much inconsistency in life. It feels very lonely, sometimes, and overwhelming and sad and being rejected is just mind-boggling, it's too much to take. Sometimes I feel a bit better, Pinkeye, when I think about what this ex-T of mine is doing... not thinking about me one bit, of course not. And just carrying on with his life as usual. So if he's not thinking about me, why would I think about him? And that kind of rationale works sometimes, and makes me feel better for a while. Then I end up thinking, too, about how I really feel about him, about the wonderful emotions he unwittingly introduced me to, and I just want to scream. How can there be so much emotion with NO RELATIONSHIP? It's absolutely c*ck-eyed, stupid, even insane. It's no wonder it feels sometimes like I'm living a nightmare.
D'you feel any better, yet, Pinkeye? You have company, maybe not exactly the same, but I also feel overwhelmingly sad and angry at times, then I get so depressed it's unbelievable. But you'll come out of it again, Pinkeye, you will.. you always do, have you noticed?
Posted by muffled on July 19, 2005, at 22:07:04
In reply to I hate my life.. **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 16:35:30
> I don't like anything about it.. I don't like anything at all..
>
> I am feeling so trapped and overwhelmed..
>
> I don't want to go back, and I don't want to stay here.. I don't want to be with my husband, and I can't get away from him, and I don't like even my parents.. I don't want to go back to them.. and I don't like myself. And I miss my ex T - wish he would atleast write a one liner to me saying things will become allright, but he won't. And I can't seem to be able to digest it fully.
>
> I am feeling so trapped and suffocated. And don't know what to do.Yeah. It can be SO hard sometimes. Seemingly impossible. But a good life is possible. Change is REALLY hard. But it can bring good things.For me, small steps are important. For me it is extreemly hard to ask others for help. But the weird thing is there are lots of people out there who WILL help. REAL help. Some will bail out on you ,but others will stick for the long haul. Keep posting, there seem to be some people on this board with some real good insight. It can be ok.
Posted by B2chica on July 20, 2005, at 9:32:28
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 18:18:35
> Today is as bad as it has ever gotten to me.. Life is totally meaningless and it is not worth it. And I don't even really feel like asking for anyone to help .. IT hasn't been this bad ever.
Pinkeye, your message really has me worried. please know that you are worth SO MUCH no matter what you hear on a (probably) daily basis from (socalled) well meaning people.
there are several places that can help you to get out if you want. prepare, take pictures of all your assets, get bank information so he can't withdraw it all, start an acct of your own that he can't get to. keep enough in there so if you decide to go to india you have enough to get back here.
social services may beable to help regarding housing, or can at least point you in the right direction. also there is an organization called saint vincent dePaul, they help with immediate needs, like if you get out but have no food, toiletries etc. or even if they help you move out and take you to a safe place.please just be safe. i care about you, you've always been so understanding with me. i wish i could just drive up and pick you up and take you away.
take care please
b2c.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 14:27:59
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 18:21:53
Thanks Dinah.. Today is little better. Sometimes I am really at a loss to find out what hurts me more - my father's behavior, my husband's behaviour or my ex Ts dropping me off, or my own issues and guilt and hatred against myself.. I don't know what to focus and work on.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 14:30:54
In reply to I'm with you Pinkeye and Dinah, posted by Susan47 on July 19, 2005, at 21:20:35
I understand what you are saying Susan.. I feel the same many times too.. Maybe it is something common to some of us who lack self acceptance and good feelings about ourselves a lot. I think that is when it hits the hardest.. Or maybe abrupt termination combined with these issues.
The relationship that we have with our ex Ts are in our heads. and that matters more than the actual relationships.. That is why we find it difficult to adjust to terminations..
But you are also right.. I always seem to be able to get better.. But maybe that is the curse.. that I get better and get worse. If I can get completely worse and not get better, maybe sometime later, I will get completely better and not get worse. Maybe I pick myself up too soon without giving a chance for full healing..
> Pretty much that's how I feel. I don't understand how on the surface things can be "good" in a person's life yet underneath there can be so much depressed feeling. There's so much inconsistency in life. It feels very lonely, sometimes, and overwhelming and sad and being rejected is just mind-boggling, it's too much to take. Sometimes I feel a bit better, Pinkeye, when I think about what this ex-T of mine is doing... not thinking about me one bit, of course not. And just carrying on with his life as usual. So if he's not thinking about me, why would I think about him? And that kind of rationale works sometimes, and makes me feel better for a while. Then I end up thinking, too, about how I really feel about him, about the wonderful emotions he unwittingly introduced me to, and I just want to scream. How can there be so much emotion with NO RELATIONSHIP? It's absolutely c*ck-eyed, stupid, even insane. It's no wonder it feels sometimes like I'm living a nightmare.
> D'you feel any better, yet, Pinkeye? You have company, maybe not exactly the same, but I also feel overwhelmingly sad and angry at times, then I get so depressed it's unbelievable. But you'll come out of it again, Pinkeye, you will.. you always do, have you noticed?
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 14:31:14
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger**, posted by muffled on July 19, 2005, at 22:07:04
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 14:32:37
In reply to Re: I hate my life.. **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by B2chica on July 20, 2005, at 9:32:28
Thanks B2Chica. As I said in the originail post about my husband above, I am not in a dire situation.. I have money for myself, and I have a good job, and I have people to support me in India if I go back. So it is not a bad situation.. I am only worried about being here and soemthing happening before I could escape.. But it is rather slim. Thanks for your support.
> > Today is as bad as it has ever gotten to me.. Life is totally meaningless and it is not worth it. And I don't even really feel like asking for anyone to help .. IT hasn't been this bad ever.
>
> Pinkeye, your message really has me worried. please know that you are worth SO MUCH no matter what you hear on a (probably) daily basis from (socalled) well meaning people.
>
> there are several places that can help you to get out if you want. prepare, take pictures of all your assets, get bank information so he can't withdraw it all, start an acct of your own that he can't get to. keep enough in there so if you decide to go to india you have enough to get back here.
> social services may beable to help regarding housing, or can at least point you in the right direction. also there is an organization called saint vincent dePaul, they help with immediate needs, like if you get out but have no food, toiletries etc. or even if they help you move out and take you to a safe place.
>
> please just be safe. i care about you, you've always been so understanding with me. i wish i could just drive up and pick you up and take you away.
> take care please
> b2c.
Posted by Susan47 on July 20, 2005, at 20:19:35
In reply to Re: I'm with you Pinkeye and Dinah » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 14:30:54
You said maybe you pick yourself up too soon and don't give yourself a chance for full healing. You do seem to try and "pull yourself up by the socks", you do that often. It's like a rational part of your brain is clicking in, then another part takes over again. I do that, in any case. Perhaps, if we could keep that rational part going, if we could feed it with repetitive thoughts that are positive, we could keep feeling good. But it is hard to do, because the negative is so ingrained it sneaks up, doesn't it? Before I know it, I'm feeling unhappy and insecure and when I finally realize it, the good thoughts just won't come. I need someone to talk me out of it ... lately I can remember my ex-T talking to me, being supportive of me, and I try so hard to remember that one time, his support, over and over again I go back to it when someone at work (one person, it's always One Person who ruins it for everybody) tries to intimidate me. I really do need a positive, responsive therapist, someone who'll be supportive of me. But I don't know where to go, which direction to look into. I feel maybe like a widow whose husband has died and who can't change her loyalties to another man ... I just don't want to give this T up, yet I know that's completely irrational. He gave me something nobody ever ever did before, and it's so bad not having that something, I just can't seem to stop grieving it.
Posted by pinkeye on July 21, 2005, at 17:53:52
In reply to Re: I'm with you Pinkeye and Dinah » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on July 20, 2005, at 20:19:35
Same feeling exactly myself too.. :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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