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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:45:02
I know why I got so extremely attracted to my ex T - It was because he was unavailable..and it resembled such a tease - to have a person who listens to you, cares for you, understands you, wants to be your guide, but at the same time not romantically available.. it was such an emotional tease.. just like my father had done to me.. he treated me like a wife, he was joking with me, sharing everything with me, using me as an emotional support, taking me everywhere, even mildly abusing me sexually, but not fully granting me the recognition of it.. and in my mind as a child - I got really confused and tortured.. I am doing this, I am doing that - so why I am not getting the title of a wife? And of course my mom was there, and it only added to the complications. Who is she? And Who am I? What is my role with my father - am I the child or am I the wife? Why am I not getting to marry him.. Why is he not admitting his liking to me romantically? I know he likes me.. but why is he restraining himself? I know he doesn't like my mother. He likes only me - but why am I not getting an acknowledgement and admittance? Why am I not getting the recognition?
I think the same issue happened with my ex T - I felt he liked me, he listened very well, he cared, and I even somehow thought he was attracted to me.. but he wasn't admitting it.. and he was being with his wife.. And I really didn't understand it in a level, because in my mind I was just replaying my dad's confusion. I never really thought of my ex T as married, or me as married either.. It sounds ridiculous but I think I never really grasped that he was married and I was married. That is why I felt so obnoxious when he used to address me as Mrs. Pinkeye. And at the same time I was aware of the marriage also -- it is really confusing. I thought he was restraining himself from admitting his liking to me.. and I was just hoping to tear that admittance from him all these years. That is really why I kept writing so very much.. And the more he resisted or didn't write back, the more emotional I got because then I was really getting the proof that he was resisting it right? Just like my dad? And I really wanted to make him angry with me and make him shout at me one day.. I guess it is also something I really wanted my father to shout at me for wanting to be in a way his girl.. And I didn't realize that I was just repeating the abuse. That I was setting myself up for the same pattern and trying to understand it.. That is why I had the intense longing towards my ex T - to try to make sense of my longing towards my father. I think it was not really because I loved him, it was only becuase of the confusion and unavailability and at the same time being such an emotional tease. I have experience it in the past also - the more unavailable a person is, I felt myself the more trying to get them.. (especially if the person is affectionate towards me - it happened previously with a married guy as well). It is only the combination of unavailability + emotional closeness that I get very attracted to - becuase of the same issue with my dad.
I think when kids go through csa, they end up getting confused like me. And they get triggered and triggered again and again to repeat the same pattern until they resolve the issue.
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:52:23
In reply to Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:45:02
Pinkeye!
This all makes so much sense. It is kind of like when abused children marry abusers. I like unavailable men too, is this because I didn't have a father who was available emotionally? But then that is the different from your situation. This gives me a lot to think about, I believe you are on to something, Pinkeye. HMMMMMMM.....
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:55:37
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:52:23
Thanks. I think unavailability is in itself an attractive quality for all of us - but certain people look only for unavailability.. that is what I think happens for kids with csa.
Thanks HF. I think I finally resolved the conflict I had about my ex T. and about myself in general and my dad.
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 14:00:02
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa **trigger** » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:55:37
>>
> Thanks HF. I think I finally resolved the conflict I had about my ex T. and about myself in general and my dad.I think you should mark this date on your calender! This is huge , do you realize how huge this is? This is what happened to me about my abuse, a things finally made sense. It is one step torward healing. Give yourself a big hug pinkeye! I will give ya one too! ((((((pinkeye))))
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 14:06:07
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa » pinkeye, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 14:00:02
Thanks So much HappyFlower. Maybe I should mark the date in my calendar :-)
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 16:06:06
In reply to Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:45:02
And what it does to you is really awful.. you spend years trying to find out about your own sexuality and getting tortured trying to find out why you always get attracted to people who don't want to be with you.. And why you are not able to like people who really value you and want to be with you. Why I always felt it was ridiculous that my ex T gave me respect - I wanted him to treat me like a kid, and I was really confused when he gave me so much of respect.. When he was polite, I was thinking "oh, jsut tell me what to do and I will do it".. I didn't realize I was thinking of him like my dad and waiting for his orders. I really wanted to take care of my ex T emotionall, like how I always did for my dad.. I wanted to show to him how good I can be so he would one day confess his liking to me.. I think that is what I did for my dad - did everything well and behaved very well and wanting and hoping he would admit his liking even though my father did admit to liking me but didn't explicitly say it.
Oh.. it was all so very confusing for me..
Posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 16:28:34
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 16:06:06
>>
> Oh.. it was all so very confusing for me..Hey, Pinkeye, to me this is the most unconfused you have been! To me you are thinking clearly, making sense, and I see that lightbulb has come on! You are getting very insiteful, of yourself, and how your life is, and was. You are doing wonderful work, if I was your T, I would be so proud! :)
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 16:35:32
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 16:28:34
Thanks HF -- I think there is a light bulb atleast somewhere trying to start :-)
Maybe I should print this post and give it to my current T.. She would be really be happy that she did her job.. This is what she has been trying to make me understand all this year - that I correlate many men very much with my father. And that I don't take and ask for respect from men as an adult women should - that I put up with anything (not beign wrote back, or being beaten up, or being treated poorly).. It is almost as if I expect guys to treat me like that - without respect. Really, my ex T didn't reply very frequently at all - if I had had more self respect, I would have said long back I needed more support, I am going to someone here where I can meet face to face everyweek, instead of just trying to cling on to him. And also when my husband beat me, I would have said stop. And I also would have given more respect for my hsuband's desires. And I would have been able to acknowledge him and be open with him instead of constantly fantasizing for someone who is not available to me.
Posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 3:38:33
In reply to Long rambling about csa **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:45:02
Wow pinkeye, it sounds as if you have really been working hard on this. I think it's wonderful that you've had so many important insights. I hope this will help over the next couple of months.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:39:48
In reply to Re: Long rambling about csa **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 3:38:33
Thanks Tamar. Maybe I am getting ready to let go of my ex T and my wrong pattern of attachment to men. I think it will happen slowly, but atleast I got the fundas sorted out.
Thanks for your help.. Really your conversation with Daisy was a major step forward for me too.
This is the end of the thread.
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