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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
No matter what the day, it's a day I spend some time, sometimes huge chunks of time, sometimes a little bit here a little bit there, thinking about my ex-T. What do I think about? I don't even know, really, I just feel he has so much .. possibility, that's the way I think of it right now. Possibility for what? I don't know. I think he's a very sexual and sensual man. See, I think that. I think he can be poetic and loving. I think he can get angry and hurt. I think he can be defensive and ugly. I think he can be calm and present. I think he can be protective, and I think he knows how to take risks. I think he's athletic and cares about himself. I think he loves his family and does his best for them, even sometimes is self-sacrificing. I think he appreciates that, self-sacrifice, but I think he's sometimes selfish, too. Mostly though, I think he does his best with his life, and he thinks about everything. I think also sometimes his ego is too big for his britches. I think he's self-confident sometimes and insecure at others. On the whole though, I think he's absolutely a beautiful human being.
I forget what he looks like, exactly. Unless I concentrate. I think that must be good, but it feels really lonely. Because along with the physical image of him comes the emotional caring I needed, the stuff I kept going back to look for. The stuff that in the end I fooled myself existed, it's the fooling myself that was so important to me. I just can't live without feeling cared for, without him. I haven't been in his presence for weeks, and some days it feels like I'm so close to dying, so close, and it's wonderful to be able to just give it up, feel like it doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't matter, but he does. I don't know how to replace him. He was wonderful, and I need someone like him, someone like him in my own personal life, someone who will give me just a little bit of loving time.
You ever go to see your therapist and you're good for several days? Because someone cared enough to be there, regardless of whether you paid him or not, but this person who personifies every rejection you've ever felt deeply in your life, this person is now accepting you.
I don't feel like I can live without that, even though logically it makes no sense. DOes it? I don't know anymore. Should I try and kill that part of me off? Because truly, I feel like I'm only existing since I last laid my eyes on his. So what part of myself do I kill off? Which persona gets executed? Which one? The sensual one, the one who needs to be touched, to have her skin stroked and rubbed and kissed and ... well, whatever. Do I kill off the one who wants to look deeply into someone's eyes and see a reflection of love, because she also now knows how to love? Do I kill her off, because if I do, I close off real possibilities. If I don't, I feel constantly bereft.
Do I kill off the one who wants to luxuriate in the sound of a honeyed voice, a voice modulated to provide comfort? A voice that may in fact belong to a real person? I heard a voice like his, recently, and I felt so happy, so quickly, and then the person wasn't him, I felt sad just as quickly.
I know there are other me's, other women I can destroy. But do I really want to, to save myself this pain that will, eventually, one day it has to stop, it has to end at some point. Can I make a conscious decision, set a date in the future, make a little pinpoint of possibility ... here go I, loving myself completely and that's enough? I don't think so. That's absurd. We're meant to couple, humans are meant to be with someone. It's unhealthy and it feels unhealthy to be anything but. Even a lot of someones is better than no one. Sometimes it's even preferable I suppose.
I suppose also that one day soon I'll read this and be embarrassed, and wondering how the hell I ever found time to indulge myself like this. Because really, that's what I'm doing. I have a lot of real work here, right in front me, that I don't want to do, but I do it, you know, reluctantly. Because it means I'm not doing what I really want to be doing. Which is loving, I need a lover.
Hmm. I need to find a man I can trust who I'm truly attracted to. Believe it or not though, it's the last part of that sentence, it's the I'm attracted part that is the most elusive.
My guidelines for men have become really narrow. Too narrow, probably, to ever find him. Or them. ;)
Posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:14:48
In reply to Termination Pain Not Easing, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
I survive on little daydreams. I pretend things to myself, things that will help me believe I have a chance for love in the future. I need a replacement man, the imaginary one is no longer effective. I need the real thing, I am so READY for the real man, you know? It's like, each night I look forward to sleep. I wake up in the morning, and I'm already lookin forward to bedtime, knowing that at least won't be painful, sleeping doesn't hurt, and I haven't had a nightmare for a while so that's good, the bad feelings from my dreams usually last a while though. I can't call them nightmares, really, they're not actual nightmares, just bad dreams with bad feelings attached.
How do you create love? HOW????? You have to have a REAL PERSON, right? You can't create love out of thin air, it doesn't work that way. It Doesn't Work That WaY, i'M screaming, SCREAMING.
Posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:24:29
In reply to Re: Termination Pain Not Easing, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:14:48
Just had a clear thought, was walking about working here thinking, what is the matter with me, what kind of life failure am I that I need this so much? Then I realized this, I realized that what I really need is so simple. It's love, it's just love from a man that I need, love I can freely give in return. And that I need to find that guy, you know, when I find that person that makes me feel the way my T did, that is when it'll be right. I know it's possible. It just seems impossible that anyone can actually be capable of love like that, twice in a lifetime, I mean, me, you know? I don't know if I can love anyone else the way I loved this man, in my mind and my heart the way I love him. It just seems awesome and impossible. Is it true that love spreads? Is it true that once you know it, you can do it again and again? Is it something that gets easier once you've felt it?
Posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:47:36
In reply to Ah hah., posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:24:29
the look on my T's face when I was at my most vulnerable, really vibrating. he didn't like it, it made him uncomfortable. Was it empathy that made him so uncomfortable, or repulsion that any human being could be this incredibly damaged yet walk around kind of normally, you know? Maybe a bit of both.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2005, at 16:47:13
In reply to I remember, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:47:36
Could it be he had real feelings for you? Did you ever tell your t how you feel about him? You can find love, but it takes work, you have to get yourself out there and meet people. Over and over again, until you meet the right one. Once you find real love that can be returned, you will probabably look back at your realationship with your t and see that it is nothing like real love can be. Or maybe it was real love, I think it can happen, just because he was your t, it doesn't mean that if you met him in different circumstances, you would feel any different. I hope what I am saying isn't making you feel worse. Sometimes I don't know what I am talking about. There are good people out there, just as good as t's after all they are only human too.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2005, at 16:57:43
In reply to Termination Pain Not Easing, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
I also wanted to add that I expect a whole lot more of my DH than 50min. of attention in a week. In a way my DH is much better than my T. You will find someone, Susan, you know what you are looking for now ,and that is half the battle. You are a better functioning person than before therapy, so I bet things will work out for you. I believe you can find love. (((((Susan)))))
Posted by JenStar on May 4, 2005, at 18:14:59
In reply to Termination Pain Not Easing, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
hi Susan,
I'm so sorry you're in such pain!
You should never have to "kill off" parts of yourself. That sounds so harsh and unkind to yourself. Can you think of it differently, more gently? Something like: "graduate" the parts of yourself to a new emotion? or "emerge" from your pain a transformed person?The parts of you that feel the pain of unrequited love and loneliness are not BAD parts at all. They just need fulfillment somehow.
What steps have you taken to find a mate? Have you tried dating agencies? Asking friends for blind dates? Starting a new hobby or class at a community center/college? Dance classes (salsa, ballroom) are really great places to meet other singles. If you like opera/theatre, they sometimes have "singles clubs" where all the single people buy tickets and sit in the same section & meet at intermission to mingle.
I hope you're giving yourself the chance to meet someone new. Obsessing over someone we can't have isn't ever going to make him ours...it just makes us sadder & more bitter (in my opinion, anyway!). Can you ever forget him? I hope you can!
Anyway, I'm feeling lots of sympathy for you. I hope you're able to get past the pain. I hope you find a great guy who treats you well & makes you smile. I hope you're at least able to start looking - that would be a great first step!
take care!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 21:04:50
In reply to Re: Termination Pain Not Easing » Susan47, posted by JenStar on May 4, 2005, at 18:14:59
I couldn't have said it better than JenStar.
Take Care Susan. Start dating - that would really help. It is not so much about even the romance part of it that would help - but just having another person in your life would make an immense difference in your life.
Or get a cat or a dog. I have heard that they are very healthy to have too.
Pinkeye.
Posted by Susan47 on May 5, 2005, at 0:37:21
In reply to Re: Termination Pain Not Easing » Susan47, posted by JenStar on May 4, 2005, at 18:14:59
My goodness, you have a lot of hope for me! I just would be really happy to be back to "normal". Feeling intense about someone who isn't even real is ridiculous. It's the working it all through by myself, the transference really was very strong, and I never wondered about the transference, I just let it play with me. It was a cat and I was the mouse. The transference had me by the tail and whipped me around, shook me up quite a bit, rattled my brain and made me see visions. But I'll never forget the look of that beast, because that beast has been in every relationship I've ever had. It has no place in any of my relationships
Posted by Susan47 on May 5, 2005, at 10:00:03
In reply to Ah hah., posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:24:29
So many unbelievable contradictions. I'm sick. Totally confused and sick. Lovesick, HAH! That's funny.
Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2005, at 13:51:33
In reply to Re: Ah hah., posted by Susan47 on May 5, 2005, at 10:00:03
You know what I think? I think you need some form of real spirituality. In some way or the other. It will help you immensely.
More than even concentrating on the romance right now, and figuring out all this transference, if I were you, I would start attending church regularly. Or any other religious group nearby if you have one in the same place where you live.
That will really help you Susan. It is incredibly hard to come out of all this by yourself. I know your kids are separated from you, and you live all by yourself. IT is really incredibly hard for ANYONE to come out of such problems without an external support. Even if you had the perfect therapist in the whole world, to give YOU that need to heal and be well, you need some form of spirituality. You know, I never ask people to trust my words.. I always think that people need to understand anything before doing it. But for this once, trust my words. Start participating in some group activity which involves some form of higher goal in life - either church, or temples, or even a good social organization would do.
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 6:51:54
In reply to Termination Pain Not Easing, posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
Posted by Susan47 on May 6, 2005, at 13:18:56
In reply to Re: Ah hah. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2005, at 13:51:33
Happyflower, thanks for asking.
I've been reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "Life Lessons"
I've been finding a soulmate
I think I have many
And that's such a lovely feeling
but it's more than that
it's real.
Real.
I love it.
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 13:44:45
In reply to Feeling Fine., posted by Susan47 on May 6, 2005, at 13:18:56
> > I've been finding a soulmate
> I think I have many
> And that's such a lovely feeling
> but it's more than that
> it's real.
> Real.
> I love it.I wish I had a soulmate, I am so jeolous of you if you have many. That's must feel lovely. :)
Posted by Susan47 on May 11, 2005, at 20:15:08
In reply to Re: Feeling Fine., posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 13:44:45
I don't know, maybe I don't have a soulmate in that sense. Maybe some people are just fortunate, they find the right person for them, they're truly happy.
I was more talking about soulmate in a broader sense of the term, I guess.. you know, finding yourself in everyone.
This is the end of the thread.
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