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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 3:27:51
It's after 4 am here and I've been awake for over an hour, despite the "sleep in the bottle" I've been chasing. Although, having someone's alarm go off twice in the space of an hour, the first time lasting 30 mins, the second 20 (just now went off, thankfully....how long before it comes on again?!), didn't help. It jarred me out of a dream about my T.
What do you do when you've tried (albeit not as well as you should have, but as much as you would allow yourself), but things are still the same...actually worse? Whatever small motivation to help myself and try to make this life work that brought me to my T almost two years ago.....It has completely gone now. And I know now that I've tried....the therapy, pills, the whole "team treatment" thing, but.....I still feel innately like I don't belong here, like life is just *wrong* for me, somehow.
I keep thinking of peace, life, death. Peace and life don't really seem to go together. Death and peace though, that's another story. The closest I can get now is sleep.....If I could sleep 24/7 I would.
Speaking of, I should probably chase it again, with some chemical help of course. I hope I can at least wipe out half the day tomorrow (well, today) asleep....Less time to have to be awake.
I wish my T were here.
I wish I had given her a hug before I left yesterday.I wish.....
Posted by Poet on April 23, 2005, at 12:34:05
In reply to middle of the night musings...., posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 3:27:51
Hi SV,
I was up until 2 a.m. central time, again I should have been online, not lying on the couch with the TV remote. My sleep in a bottle was alcohol, I reserve Ambien for work nights. Not good either way, really.
I wish you didn't equate peace with death, but I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn't think of it the same way. I am better than I was a year ago, but so much is still the same that it counteracts the so called progress. I can understand why feel that it was time wasted, because things feel the same.
I hope when you finally fell asleep that your dreams were pleasant ones, that you hugged your T and felt some closure. I know how awful having to end therapy is for you, why you are feeling so bad about what you should or shouldn't have done. I wish we all could go back in time and re-do things, knowing what we did wrong the first time, but I think we can only do that in our minds. Try hard to think about how hard you did work, even if right now you see little progress, okay? You are not a failure, you have great worth, it's just buried beneath a lot of pain, that I am magically wishing away for you.
((((((SV))))))))
Poet
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 13:37:45
In reply to middle of the night musings...., posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 3:27:51
Do you feel any differently now? Because those middle of the night times can be horrible, real in a supernatural way, and the intense emotions ... I wish you feeling brighter today, SV. It's all an illusion, our minds are illusory; I know because mine has let me down many many times. It's only the help of medications and feedback from the real world that helps. Nighttime is the loneliest, most frightening, most "real" time; it's all controlled by our mind, there is no outside influence to help us. (((SV)))
Posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 14:30:09
In reply to Re: middle of the night musings.... » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on April 23, 2005, at 12:34:05
> I was up until 2 a.m. central time, again I should have been online, not lying on the couch with the TV remote. My sleep in a bottle was alcohol, I reserve Ambien for work nights. Not good either way, really.-- I'm sorry you have difficulty sleeping as well. Even w/ meds, I rarely get a full night in, let alone without anything. I love Ambien also, but my psych only gives me limited amounts....I've been mixing it with other things, but find I need more and more of everything to get the same effect. I over medicated this morning though so now I'm groggy and achy. In a way, it's sort of like a dreamy-awake state, so in a way it's good, b/c I can numb out some of the more intense stuff. Although it isn't very conducive for getting any work done.
>> I hope when you finally fell asleep that your dreams were pleasant ones, that you hugged your T and felt some closure. I know how awful having to end therapy is for you, why you are feeling so bad about what you should or shouldn't have done. I wish we all could go back in time and re-do things, knowing what we did wrong the first time, but I think we can only do that in our minds. Try hard to think about how hard you did work, even if right now you see little progress, okay? You are not a failure, you have great worth, it's just buried beneath a lot of pain, that I am magically wishing away for you.
--Thank you, Friend. I did send my T a short email yesterday, sent her a cyber hug. She did email me back today (totally unexpected, especially as it's a Saturday and she has been trying to "wean" me from emailing) and thanked me, etc. So, at least I did get to hear from her. And I have her pillow here, to hug.Thank you,
SV
Posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 14:33:01
In reply to Re: middle of the night musings.... » shrinking violet, posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 13:37:45
>> Do you feel any differently now? Because those middle of the night times can be horrible, real in a supernatural way, and the intense emotions ... I wish you feeling brighter today, SV. It's all an illusion, our minds are illusory; I know because mine has let me down many many times. It's only the help of medications and feedback from the real world that helps. Nighttime is the loneliest, most frightening, most "real" time; it's all controlled by our mind, there is no outside influence to help us.
--Hi Susan, thank you. No, unfortunately this isn't just a middle-of-the-night thing. I feel this way constantly. Actually, it's 'worse in the daytime, b/c it's too bright, and I see everyone going here and there and wonder why they belong in life and dont question their place in it, or what they do every day, yet I do. So, nights are more peaceful for me, in some ways (except when loud alarms are going off in the neighborhood, or the town horn blows...I still haven't figured out why that happens).
Thank you for your thoughts. I hope you are well today.
SV
Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:31:14
In reply to Re: middle of the night musings...., posted by shrinking violet on April 23, 2005, at 14:33:01
Actually I'm sorry to say that I do know what you mean about the daytime.
This is the end of the thread.
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