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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
My T replied to my e-mail and said he was "glad I was able to hang onto the positive things I gleaned from our therapy" but didn't make any comment on how hard it has been to get to that point. Along with telling him that I'm remembering the positive, I also told him that I still have "hangover" feelings about him and I'm usually (but not always) sure that what I'm feeling now was worth the h*ll I went through. I didn't say it like that, of course.
I was kind of annoyed because, geez, he could have acknowledged how terrible it's been for me, and he knows it too. Is he in denial??
I guess when it comes down to it I want him to feel guilty for all the hell his inexperience put me through. I want him to miss me like I miss him.
I want him to need me like I need him.
Posted by Dinah on April 12, 2005, at 0:55:06
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
For some reason, they often think being positive is a good thing. When in reality what's needed is a bit of validation of the negative to help the positive go down easier.
He's inexperienced, you say?
The sad truth is that it *is* an unequal relationship. Even a long term hard fought relationship like the one I have with my therapist is sadly inequal. I can never ever mean to him what he means to me. It'll never even come close.
It hurts like h*ll. But it's also something that has to be accepted if we're ever to stop being hurt over and over and over again.
Posted by Shortelise on April 12, 2005, at 1:54:19
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
May it pass quickly...
Posted by Tamar on April 12, 2005, at 10:14:32
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
> My T replied to my e-mail and said he was "glad I was able to hang onto the positive things I gleaned from our therapy" but didn't make any comment on how hard it has been to get to that point. Along with telling him that I'm remembering the positive, I also told him that I still have "hangover" feelings about him and I'm usually (but not always) sure that what I'm feeling now was worth the h*ll I went through. I didn't say it like that, of course.
It's good that he replied, right? Better than no reply, I would imagine.
> I was kind of annoyed because, geez, he could have acknowledged how terrible it's been for me, and he knows it too. Is he in denial??
I know what you mean. I don't think they ever really acknowledge how hard it can be. I suppose they don't ever truly understand unless they've ever been ill and in therapy.
> I guess when it comes down to it I want him to feel guilty for all the hell his inexperience put me through. I want him to miss me like I miss him.Yeah - you want him to acknowledge his mistakes. And he might, if only privately, but he probably wouldn't tell you (especially in an email) if he feels any guilt about making mistakes. I think you probably just have to hope that he recognises why you feel the way you do, even if he won't come straight out and say so.
> I want him to need me like I need him.
It seems so unfair that we tell them so much personal stuff and we come to feel so strongly about them, and they don't relate to us in the same way. And somehow, knowing that it has to be that way for therapy to be effective doesn't make it feel any better. It still hurts.
(((((Voce)))))
I hope things get easier for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 13:18:37
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
Take Care Voce.
Maybe you can take little comfort in that I am little jealous of you - atleast your ex T replied in a warm way and from what I understood, he has been replying for over a year for you. I would have been happy to receive that kind of mail from my T :-). My T hasn't replied even once after termination, and maybe he will perhaps never write to me again - maybe not even once. He must have his reasons. Not sure if it is of any consolation to you, but I thought you might take some comfort knowing that there are worse things that could have happened.
Try not to hurt yourself too much over your T, because hurt turns into anger, and then it takes away the gratitude you feel for your T, and it leads to lot of unpleasantness, and leads to eroding the cherished feeling we have with our Ts. We all need to keep that cherished feeling so much. I just try to move on as much as possible.
Posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 13:37:55
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
Another thing that helps is perhaps to realize that these feelings that you have are not really towards him. It is a feeling towards our fathers (not sure if it is so in your case), but that is what my current T keeps telling me - that I keep projecting everything about my father onto other men that I meet.
If you are feeling abandoned and somehow want your T to apologize for the mistakes he made with you, maybe it is really about your dad and not about your T?
Posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 14:01:27
In reply to Re: I'm regressing :-( » messadivoce, posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 13:37:55
You are absolutely, 100% right about this echoing back to my dad. My current T and I were discussing this around the time she had to leave my University.
My dad hurt me in a lot of ways...if you were to ask him about it today, he would say that the way he was with me was absolutely 100% what was called for because I was "difficult". He and I have not really discussed my childhood because I'm not really interested in hearing about how he was "right" and my memories aren't accurate or whatever.
I don't think my dad feels guilty for how much he hurt me. I don't think my T feels guilty for how much he hurt me, either. I have been angry at my dad for years, and now I'm transferring that anger onto my ex-T.
It's probably easier for me to feel anger at a man who is not readily available, than for my dad who is close by. I miss being in therapy so much!! Even with my current T, who is kind of sporadic about writing me back. Some part of me wants to find another provider and start over (AGAIN) and part of me wants to never, ever be in therapy again, because it just hurts way too much.
Posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 14:15:31
In reply to Re: I'm regressing :-( » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 14:01:27
Realizing that my anger and frustration and abandonment was really about my father was kind of enough for me to stop (atleast reduce) the intense feelings that I had towards my ex T.
My father also was of the opinion that he brought me up in the way that was right, and what was needed. Even if I tell him now how much it had ended up hurting me, he sometimes fails to see that I was such a sad child. But then, I try to forgive him and try to see the world from his view point and that makes it easier for me. My father didn't have a great mother himself.. my father's mother never liked him. And that led to lot of anxiety and tension and suppression for my own father. So I have easier time accepting my father's limitations, because it was not all his fault.. he grew up to be what he was, becuase of several limitations that he had in his life, and he transfered some of it onto me. And with whatever limited knowledge he had, he brought me up to the extent he was capable of. He didn't have access to therapy, or internet, or to other resources to correct himself. Now I feel that I have access to all these, I should try to move on and accept him. Atleast he was there for me and he loved me, irrespective of the mistakes he made.
Will that kind of perspective help you move on from the anger that you have towards your dad?
And regarding your ex T, he might have made some mistakes with you, but from what I read from your posts about him, he seems kind of sincere and genuine and caring towards you. Otherwise, he wouldn't be writing to you for an year after termination. He must have made several mistakes with you, and maybe you can forgive him for that. Overall he seems to be a decent person, and I am pretty sure, he didn't intend to hurt you in anyway (atleast from what I have gathered from your posts). Maybe he coulnd't be there for you in the ways you needed him to be, but to the extent he was capable of, he tried to do his best for you, and take care of you as much as he knew/was capable of.
Posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 15:45:42
In reply to Re: I'm regressing :-( » messadivoce, posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 14:15:31
I honestly have tried to find reasons why my dad was limited in the ways he was. But I can't find many excuses for him. He's a minister, so I watched him deal with people every day in a rational, patient, loving way, and it seemed like I just got the leftovers at the end of the day. All the impatience, frustration and anger that he couldn't show during the day. To this day I still see how he is with church people, and he's not like that with me and it hurts.
I don't think my dad had a bad childhood. He has an excellent relationship with his parents and although the way they are can explain some facets of his personality, mostly it's just a mystery to me.
I wish I could say that, despite the mistakes he made, my dad was "there" for me, but he simply wasn't. I was pretty much on my own emotionally, and it's still that way.
You are right about my ex-T. He wasn't anything like my dad, and he never would have hurt me, and when I was in therapy with him, he was as close and available as he knew how to be. The problem is reminding myself of that when it hurts so much now that he can't be here with me.
Posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 16:07:58
In reply to Re: I'm regressing :-( » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 15:45:42
That must have really hurt - to see your dad being affectionate and warm towards everyone else and not with you.
Many people are like that - they are externally very warm and friendly and nice to everyone - their colleagues, friends etc, but in their own family, they fail to treat everyone nicely. Even my father was little like that.. he used to talk very friendly with everyone, was perceived as very intelligent, humourous and social, but to my mother, he was pretty arrogant and controlling and angry all the time. It made me suffer so much. My dad was a doctor, so he was perceived as very strong and supportive and my relatives used to come and ask him for support and help all the time, and he used to behave very warmly with everyone. But if my mother complains of some illness, he used to brush her off very arrogantly and put all the blame even for the illness on my mother. He was extremely impatient with me and my mom.
I never understood why sometimes people behave like that. I guess when you really don't have inner strength and emotional maturity, you jsut try to pretend as though you have all of it - by treating others well in your workplace, but when it comes to the real place where you need it - in your own family - you fail miserably - Because in your family, you cannot pretend - not for long. You need to have real capacity for emotional maturity and strength. For outside you can just pretend for a short time and get by with that and be perceived as strong and warm.
Posted by pinkeye on April 12, 2005, at 16:16:12
In reply to Re: I'm regressing :-( » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 15:45:42
My guess is that your father probably just simply took up more than he could handle. He was probably a decent and normal person to start with, but then maybe he took on a job which was much more emotionally demanding and draining than what he was capable of handling. Maybe he tried to give to others beyond what he was capable of giving, and in that process, depleted himself of his own resources, and failed to recogonize that and stop.
I can see how it could easily happen to all people in the more "giving" kind of profession.. They might do all the giving outside, and may not realize that they have used up their internal sources of strength. When anybody goes into this kind of giving profession, like a therapist or a minister, they need to somehow establish a way to replenish themselves adequately - either from God or from other means - otherwise, they will deplete themselves and try to find it from other places which are not right. I bet your father even expected to fulfill his emotional needs from you, and maybe even expected you to be his source of strenght and energy and be there for him. My own dad did that with me. He expected me to be his partner and comapnion and even to an extent fulfill his own mother kind of role.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:42:43
In reply to I'm regressing :-(, posted by messadivoce on April 12, 2005, at 0:28:18
I haven't read all the posts below, so forgive me if I'm repeating something.
But please try not to look at this as regressing. It's a normal path. Getting from here to there is not a straight line. I remember you posted earlier that you were doing better with this. And now the feelings are coming back. I know that's upsetting, but it doesn't mean you are regressing or failing. It's just the ebb and flow. As time goes by, the swings won't be as big, and they won't be as frequent. Like a really big wave, that eventually smoothes out to just a ripple...
It will get better.
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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