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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 21:15:19
In reply to Re: I have a question » sunny10, posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:57:56
My experience of my messed-up self is as Poet describes a traumatic memory to be; I knew I was messed-up but at the same time I continued to be that because I denied I was that. I knew it, denied it. Knew it, denied. Denial was completely automatic after a time; I don't know when, but quite young in life, I do know that.
I'm realizing, lately, that there's memories I have that I look at once in awhile and I know there's something about them, there's a reason they keep coming up, the same car ride, the same conversation, the same tantrum, the same .. something. And there's memories that're good, and there's ones that I can't describe the flavour of, except that it has fear involved, and I know it's there but not why, and I don't really need to know why either. That's why I think I'm a good candidate for EMDR and from what you've told me about yourself I think you might be as well.
Posted by Tamar on April 7, 2005, at 13:54:47
In reply to Re: I have a question (**trigger**) » Tamar, posted by antigua on April 6, 2005, at 17:24:24
Hi Antigua. It's nice to meet you.
> I spoke w/my T about hypnotism again today in an effort to bring the csa memories forward. As expected, she was strongly against it because she is afraid that I might not be able to handle what comes up. As much as I want to remember and move on, I can't just make it happen. Since I've been with her for all these years, I'm going to stay away from the hypnosis.
I tend to agree. I think there are all sorts of potential problems with hypnosis.
> I did find EMDR helpful with some of the memories, though, mainly in how I felt at the time as a very young girl. I now know what she felt surrounding the events, but I'm still missing big chunks of memory.
I'm quite curious about EMDR. I've heard other people mention it and it does seem to help them. I'm having a holiday from therapy at the moment, having finished working with my former T about three weeks ago, but I think I'll need to go back for long term therapy at some point, and I'll maybe look into EMDR then. At the moment I'm not being plagued by bad memories, but if that changes I'll certainly be looking into every possible solution.
Thanks for your advice.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on April 12, 2005, at 1:04:17
In reply to Re: I have a question » sunny10, posted by fires on April 6, 2005, at 16:57:47
Fires, I know how important this topic is to you, and so I wanted to thank you and to express admiration for you for the restrained and sensitive way you communicated your beliefs.
I mean that quite sincerely.
Posted by fires on April 12, 2005, at 11:00:14
In reply to Re: I have a question » sunny10, posted by fires on April 6, 2005, at 16:57:47
Posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 10:05:20
In reply to Re: I have a question » fires, posted by Dinah on April 12, 2005, at 1:04:17
I don't want to actually remember anything... yes, you're all right, that opens up more than I can handle...
I just wish hypnosis could make me believe that I am a better person than I am, I guess...
I am back from my mini-vacation; had to fly back early after my SO tried to strangle me during a stupid argument. I had nowhere else to go to escape him for the night- he was drunk; I was scared.
I am now homeless, so right now it doesn't matter at all about hypnosis...
Posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2005, at 15:10:30
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 10:05:20
Oh dear, that sounds just awful. Do you have somewhere safe to stay temporarily? What a curveball. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Please take care and let us know how we can help.
Thinking of you.
gg
Posted by Damos on April 13, 2005, at 16:50:32
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 10:05:20
I'm so sorry sunny, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. If I can help in anyway, anyway at all let me know.
(((((sunny)))))
Posted by sunny10 on April 14, 2005, at 8:11:59
In reply to ((((((((((sunny10)))))))))) » sunny10, posted by Damos on April 13, 2005, at 16:50:32
he is now apologizing; says he is ashamed of himself- willing to go into counselling. He is not drinking (he is a self-admitted binge drinker... doesn't drink every day, but when he gives himself permission to "make a night of it", he gets out of control)....
I have found an apartment and move in on Saturday (at least my clothes and bathroom stuff that is all in the back of my vehicle at the moment- furniture will come later).
I find myself willing to be a part of couples counselling- as long as he agrees to anger management training/counselling as well. But I am not getting my hopes up too high. I have to be pragmatic and take care of me first.
Posted by Damos on April 14, 2005, at 17:12:02
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunny10 on April 14, 2005, at 8:11:59
Dearest Sunny,
I've followed your posts from the time you and your SO met and haven't really said much if anything, and I'm gonna stick to that now as I know you won't want to hear what I'm thinking.
Just remember not let him talk his way out of problems he's behaved himself into. Promise?
Just please, please, please be careful and look after you. No-one deserves what happened to you and there is never ever any excuse. Sorry, don't mean to preach.
(((((sunny10)))))
Posted by Susan47 on April 14, 2005, at 21:00:13
In reply to Re: update » sunny10, posted by Damos on April 14, 2005, at 17:12:02
Yes, he has to behave himself out of things he's behaved himself into, right? That makes so much sense. I never saw things quite in that way before but it's so true. Wow. Where'd you get that, did you make that up?
Posted by damos on April 14, 2005, at 22:27:19
In reply to Re: update » Damos, posted by Susan47 on April 14, 2005, at 21:00:13
> Yes, he has to behave himself out of things he's behaved himself into, right? That makes so much sense. I never saw things quite in that way before but it's so true. Wow. Where'd you get that, did you make that up?
Nah, you can thank Stephen Covey for that gem. Probably the only thing I didn't react with "yeah and you're so totally full of sh*t mate" to.
It is true and I try to be aware of my behaviour every minute of every day, fail often and badly, but know that an apology doesn't excuse the hurt.
There was another thing he said that I can't quite remember right but try to carry with me. Something like "it's not so much that what you did hurt me, but that you didn't care enough not to."
I'm a mess today, I'll try and find it for you when/if I go back to the office.
Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 7:49:06
In reply to Re: update » Susan47, posted by damos on April 14, 2005, at 22:27:19
yes, Damos and Susan47- I very much realize this.
Once the lease termination meeting occurs on Tuesday at 4:30 in the afternoon, I will have my first clue how this will begin to go on...
I told the landlord that he strangled me during an argument and that I was afraid of him therefore we had to break the lease. I told my SO that I told the landlord that he had hurt me physically during an argument (I'm not sure if I told SO that I mentioned the actual strangling part...it's not that I'm trying to lie- I just simply can't remember).
If this assault is referred to in any way during the meeting, my SO's reaction may be the telling factor. Whether during the meeting or in conversations after the meeting, he will give himself away if he is still in denial and has just been "talking the talk". THEN, if he is still honest (with himself and me) and regretful, I will tell him that I expect BOTH of us to enroll in some kind of anger management class/therapy separately before we can even begin to think about trying to work things out. He must fix these behaviors before anything else can happen between "us". Not just talk about it.
As this is something of a personal attack, though true (you are not perfect- you must do "blank" before we can do "blank"), I am very afraid of this conversation. It is a sort of confrontation- which you both know I am afraid of. He may negate the need for such a conversation based on how he may react to the lease termination meeting, anyway.
Chances are he will break my heart all over again by refusing to do these things... But it doesn't matter- I won't be trying again after this one...
I still truly believe in my heart that he is a good person deep inside- behind the pain and depression of loss (lifestyle, friends, house- everything he gave up to come halfway across the country for me). If he would try to work through his actual feelings instead of burying them under coke or alcohol (part of that lifestyle that he had given up- but not even the good part, he admits), there may be a shot for us.
But he's 36 and may be unwilling to allow someone else to teach him to change (a T, a group leader, whatever). And I'm 37 and if I'm still wrong about what kind of person he is inside (strong enough and willing to work through these things), then I have learned nothing in 20 yrs and probably am just incapable of learning anything at this point.
I am attempting to be optimistic, but must be realistic.
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 9:52:44
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 7:49:06
I haven't finished reading your post Sunny. You told the landlord he strangled you (not to death, but strangulation is strangulation, look it up). So you told the landlord but you did NOT tell your SO that you told the landlord he strangled you, you told your SO that you told the landlord he HURT you.
Honey, LISTEN UP. If you cannot tell your SO that you are telling people he STRANGLED you, if you have to COUCH it NOW, You are afraid that he will be angry or upset with you if you tell him that he tried to STRANGLE you ... You already know that the truth will upset him. You know he cannot face the truth. He is definitely in denial no matter what he says. Unless he faces the truth, which is that he was thisfar from KILLING you, and unless he can talk to you and professionals about this, drop him. I have been in your shoes and don't be stupid. Please don't ignore the facts to please your SO.
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 9:58:29
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 7:49:06
Okay, you and I think remarkably alike. I already knew that but this totally confirms it. You're a smart lady and because your heart is involved you're keeping yourself vulnerable. I'm still with you, sweetie. I'm still with you. But remember he has to come off the coke totally and go into a program and keep going to meetings every single week maybe every day. None of that can ever be ignored. He sounds worth saving, Sunny. And I know you won't lose yourself in this, because you love yourself, right? You need to do that, that's your task in the next year or so. No kidding. So smack me if I'm too outspoken. Here, I'll do it for you ...*SMACK* on the left nicely-rounded bum cheek.
Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 11:29:24
In reply to Finished Reading, posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 9:58:29
I have told him just how much he scared me when he strangled me.... I'm not afraid to tell him that. I told him that "of course I became panicked when the little white dots appeared on the edges of my sight due to lack of oxygen"... I have not sugar-coated what harm he did while talking with him. I am not letting him off the hook that easily!
I just can't remember whether I told him that I told the landlord that he strangled me....
And mostly that's because I was still in panic mode when SO and I discussed it... I have a tendency to slightly disassociate during times of stress and I simply cannot recall exactly what I said when we discussed it.
THAT's where the question in my mind comes from... he knows that I told them that he caused a domestic violence situation and I had to get out. No matter how I WORDED it. He knows that he will be under scrutiny. He knows that he will be viewed as a guilty party.
And frankly, I think he needs to hear this from a third party who doesn't know us. It is never okay to bring violence into an argument. If it was someone he picked a fight with in a bar, they could have pressed charges and he would be in jail! The only reason I didn't bother is because it was behind closed doors and there were no witnesses. And when someone chokes you with their forearm from behind, tightening it with the other arm, it only leaves a red pressure mark that fades quickly... strangling with hands from the front leaves huge marks... I had no proof whatsoever because of the way he did it.
He needs to be clean and sober, and he needs anger management classes.
I am no perfect little princess, either- I could use some anger management classes myself.
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:00:20
In reply to Re: Finished Reading, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 11:29:24
Frankly, I don't know how you can ever consider him. I was lucky because the time this happened to me, in different ways, I was never actually dating the men. Twice it was the end of a relationship anyway... and once was someone who was almost a total stranger to me. And I blamed myself, too. For every time. I thought it happened to me because I was stupid. I had a lot of growing to do. Now I think I can spot those people at ten paces. I hope I can. :)
Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 13:17:26
In reply to Re: Finished Reading, posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:00:20
may not even be an issue... things are MUCH worse...
he just called me and told me there was a letter from the rental agent in the mail. The same one we have the meeting with on Tuesday. When I called the owner of the house (landlord), frantic to leave, I had offered to pay him back the second year's commission that he had paid the rental agent (a month's rent) and pay the rent until July 31st to finish out the first year, he said that he understood that was a huge financial deal to me and that he didn't think even that would be necessary.
Now my SO just told me that the letter from the rental agent says that we are responsible for the rent for the entire 15 months left PLUS the commission. A year's more than the owner said wouldn't be necessary!!!
He is freaking out- said he will leave the state and they can just TRY to find him to sue him for his half...
Meanwhile, I sent an email to the rental agent telling her what the landlord had told me and that now she (the rental agent) is saying something even WORSE... I asked her to let me know what was going on- why am I getting two different answers from the two of them- and what exactly is the meeting supposed to be for, then, if it isn't to negotiate as I had been told...
I'm freaking out... that's $22,100 she's talking about!!! PLUS she's demanding that we continue paying utilities through the end of the lease unless they find someone else to rent it...
I am going to have a nervous breakdown now.....
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:32:44
In reply to Re: Susan47 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please read!!!, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 13:17:26
Go to a women's shelter. Get their advice. Pronto. You may have to live there without your SO, get a roommate .. they'll help you. At least with direction. Also seek immediate legal advice, can you get it free? Now is the time to Open your eyes, Open your world, don't shut down by needless fear. Your fear will blind you to possibility. Get the keys away from your SO and move back in, cancel the new place. Get the cops involved, at least so they have a report of what happened, you don't need proof, you just need to talk dammit. And not to us. To someone in your Real World, right now.
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:46:32
In reply to Re: Susan47 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please read!!!, posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:32:44
I realize you can't afford the rent by yourself. Which is why a roomie is a good idea, plus it will afford you a measure of protection, insulation that is, from your SO.. because he's not your SO, not RIGHT NOW. He's significant, yes. But your Other that has to be someone else. A support team you develop. Do it. And don't talk to me until you've taken the first step. Others here can help you. I'm only withdrawing temporarily until you get back to me. Please please please get back to me!!!!
Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 13:59:30
In reply to Re: Susan47 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please read!!!, posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 13:46:32
Posted by Susan47 on April 15, 2005, at 14:05:34
In reply to Re: He said, She said (nm) » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 13:59:30
Posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 16:42:19
In reply to Re: He said, She said (nm) » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 13:59:30
I agree with Susan. And the thing about a women's shelter (or similar organization) is that they will believe you and they will have seen this kind of situation before and they will be able to offer you good advice about the financial issues. Priority number one is to stay safe.
(((((Sunny)))))
Posted by Dinah on April 15, 2005, at 22:43:57
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunny10 on April 14, 2005, at 8:11:59
Sunny, you sound like the sensible person I've always seen you to be on the board. You know that what he did isn't ok. You know you have to take care of yourself.
I think Susan is right as to the "how" of taking care of yourself. A woman's shelter will know what to do. Let the legal experts worry about what is needed for proof. First of all be safe, and get the help you need to deal with the legal experts. A woman's shelter is probably the best place for that sort of practical help.
((((Sunny))))
Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:17:41
In reply to Re: update » sunny10, posted by Dinah on April 15, 2005, at 22:43:57
Late to this, but I agree, even if you do not stay at a shelter, they will be able to hook you up with legal advising. And it sounds like having an advocate on your side would be oh so comforting right now.
Thinking of you,
gg
Posted by TwoD's on April 17, 2005, at 10:23:35
In reply to Re: update, posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:17:41
Hi
I'm just checking my webtv to see if I can post on this thread. IF no I will go to my computer. lmk if this gets posted. thanks Two D's
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