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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 30, 2005, at 17:02:18
This won't be an update, sorry to anyone who wants one, but maybe soon?
Anyway, I have a brand new T, because I found I just wasn't getting anywhere with SparklingBright anymore. We're still in the history taking stage, which is actually good. Even though it's been about four sessions of history taking, we're still in my teens -- and I've been feeling as though I've been flayed with a cheese grater! That's good, though, because I find I've told her things that I had never said to anyone before, things that in some cases I hardly remembered, and things that have me in so much pain right now! It hurts.
Here's the thing, though: telling her about certain events in my life, I am aware of several different reactions in myself: the remembered pain, the indignant adult viewpoint, and the critical voice that just won't shut up. Now, I have enough experience now to say, "Hey, when the kid at the computer center told me about something similar but much less intense happening, I told her that it wasn't her fault, that some adult needed to step in and help her BECAUSE IT WAS THAT ADULT'S JOB TO PROTECT HER. When my former step-kid had that reaction to something, I sat him down to tell him that it was OK to feel the way he did, and that he didn't need to try to hide it or suppress it -- that it was OK to feel that someone had failed him. SO WHY CAN'T I APPLY THAT KINDNESS TO MYSELF?"
Three decades later, every time I cry over something that was done to me, I have that critical voice saying something along the lines of "you want someone else to do it for you/you're just whining, drag your sorry @$$ out of that pit of self-pity/all that happened so long ago, get the hell over it/you need to learn to take care of yourself/etc." And the worst is the part about self-pity! Somewhere along the way, I guess I learned that the only Cardinal Sin was feeling sorry for yourself, with maybe as close second being looking to anyone else to do anything for you -- which is, after all, just laziness.
Anyway, my whine right now is about why I can't look at the pain I experienced way back then and just feel empathy for myself? Why do I still feel as though I have to pretend that everything's just fine, that I've forgotten it as if it never happened? Why am I so ashamed to say, "Hey, this happened to me, it was incredibly damaging to me, and SOME ADULT SOMEWHERE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR PREVENTING IT!" Or even that whichever adult it was that didn't do his/her job in the first place SHOULD have let me express my feelings, instead of telling me that it was somehow my fault?
What we didn't get to today, though, that I had totally forgotten, was on a school backpacking trip... All the adults had left, evacuating a sick girl, and I had begged to be taken, too. Instead, I was left with a group of high school kids and no adult to help keep sanity going. I was the "designated scapegoat" -- which is why I wanted to be taken out so that I wouldn't be left there without an adult present -- and things got horrible. Eventually, I stopped eating. It took a bit before anyone noticed, and at that point the guy -- senior -- who had been left "in charge" of us tackled me to the ground and used a spoon to try to force my jaws apart to force-feed me. He chipped one of my front teeth before giving up.
I've never told anyone that before, and hadn't thought about it in years.
And you know what? I'm STILL ashamed of it, because I still feel as though it was my fault.
Will I ever be able to say, "That idiot teacher screwed up by not taking me out with him, since he saw what was already happening. He failed to do his job in protecting me in the wilderness. His judgement was faulty, and it led to me being damaged." And the big one, the one that is so big I can hardly even type it: "It was his fault. If he had done his job, it would not have happened to me."
By the way, this same high school program made the news when it was shut down last year after at least one death during that same annual hiking trip. I can't remember now how many deaths were involved, but there were enough signs of serious problems to bring on front page stories and investigations and to get the whole program shut down. I'm not sure whether or not the teacher was fired -- yes, the same one -- but I know that his name figured prominently as having failed in his responsibility to keep the students safe. Even that doesn't help me feel less ashamed of having been at fault.
I'm not in bad shape right now, in case you're wondering. In fact, I'm asking this because I do know, intellectually, that what I'm feeling right now is inappropriate, that I need to internalize what I know: that I wasn't at fault, and that someone did fail to protect me. I'm just not quite sure how to do it?
Thanks for risking reader's cramp to get to the end!
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 18:00:59
In reply to Why can't I apply it to myself?, posted by Racer on March 30, 2005, at 17:02:18
Maybe having the experience to tell yourself that is the first step in believing it for yourself. It's new, isn't it? Insight takes a while to seep in, but that sounds like a promising first step. (Well, not first step. It's probably more like the 3941st step.)
Posted by partlycloudy on March 31, 2005, at 7:17:57
In reply to Why can't I apply it to myself?, posted by Racer on March 30, 2005, at 17:02:18
One thing that helped me was a bit of visualization. Do you have any pictures of yourself at that age? One that shows just how young and vulnerable you were? I've been able to look at photos of myself and come up with compassion, anger (at my parents), and love. Then you can eventually make that huge leap to accepting that the photo of that cute lovable child is the same person that you are now. That you are lovable, deserving of nuturing care, and even though the damage was done in the past, the person you are now is STILL deserving of love and acceptance.
Having that picture in my mind (a tow-headed tike smelling a flower, in my case) really went a long way to helping me love the me I am now.
Posted by Shortelise on March 31, 2005, at 11:56:32
In reply to Why can't I apply it to myself?, posted by Racer on March 30, 2005, at 17:02:18
This makes me think of Daisy and all the anger she is experiencing.
Could it be that you are avoiding something ... if you go to that place of understanding with yourself, you might have to experience some pretty awful emotions. Like huge anger.
Maybe?
ShortE
Posted by littleone on March 31, 2005, at 14:53:02
In reply to Re: Why can't I apply it to myself? » Racer, posted by partlycloudy on March 31, 2005, at 7:17:57
What you say about the photo is so true. I have completely different thoughts and feelings towards a photo of young me than what I do towards my self.
That's actually a very interesting topic to raise with my T. Thanks for that.
Posted by SLS on April 2, 2005, at 19:37:52
In reply to Why can't I apply it to myself?, posted by Racer on March 30, 2005, at 17:02:18
Hi Racer.
How does assigning responsibility to the irresponsible make things any better?
Isn't it easier to accept the event as it happened and know that it was not your fault?
What happens in those instances where no one person or group of people have been assigned the role of protector or nuturer?
I'm trying to ask a question, but I don't know how to ask it.
I really like the suggestion of looking at the photo.
- Scott
Posted by Racer on April 3, 2005, at 14:52:15
In reply to Re: Why can't I apply it to myself?, posted by SLS on April 2, 2005, at 19:37:52
> Hi Racer.
>
> How does assigning responsibility to the irresponsible make things any better?
>
> Isn't it easier to accept the event as it happened and know that it was not your fault?
>Ha! The problem, my darling Scotters, is that I still think it was *my* fault! Every time I try to say that it wasn't my fault, that ugly voice comes up in my head pointing out all the things I "should" have done to avoid having this happen. The bottom line, of course, is that I'm somehow fundamentally wrong and therefore it was my fault.
That's a very common theme for me, by the way. That whatever it is was and is and ever will be my fault. (Real sorry about the tsunami, guys... Don't know what got into me.) I guess what I was hoping for in this post wasn't to shift the "blame" onto the other people involved, so much as finding a way to shift it *off* myself. Does that make sense?
> What happens in those instances where no one person or group of people have been assigned the role of protector or nuturer?
>
> I'm trying to ask a question, but I don't know how to ask it.
>I can kind of feel or sense what you're getting at, I think, but I'm not sure how to answer it.
One difficulty I have, though, with what has come through is that as soon as I hear the part about no one being assigned the role of protector, I immediately do the self-blame dance, where I failed to protect myself. Again, that's what I gotta learn to get away from...
> I really like the suggestion of looking at the photo.
>
>
> - ScottI like the suggestion of a photo, too. Gotta go find one. I think the only pictures I have of myself at that age, though, show me on a horse and don't show a lot of me, so much as my equitation... I'm gonna raid my mother's photos, though, next time I go over there...
Posted by SLS on April 3, 2005, at 22:07:07
In reply to Re: Why can't I apply it to myself? » SLS, posted by Racer on April 3, 2005, at 14:52:15
Hey Racer.
> > How does assigning responsibility to the irresponsible make things any better?
> >
> > Isn't it easier to accept the event as it happened and know that it was not your fault?
> Ha! The problem, my darling Scotters, is that I still think it was *my* fault! Every time I try to say that it wasn't my fault, that ugly voice comes up in my head pointing out all the things I "should" have done to avoid having this happen.Don't should all over yourself.
Of course, it is your responsibity to know everything about how the Universe works so that you can be prepared for any situation that arises. If you should fail, it must therefore be your fault. You probably didn't do your homework. Age is no excuse.
> The bottom line, of course, is that I'm somehow fundamentally wrong and therefore it was my fault.
I think I understand.
> That's a very common theme for me, by the way. That whatever it is was and is and ever will be my fault.
I'm sure someone has revealed to you that you are not so important as to be able to weild such power over the rest of the world. :-)
> (Real sorry about the tsunami, guys... Don't know what got into me.) I guess what I was hoping for in this post wasn't to shift the "blame" onto the other people involved, so much as finding a way to shift it *off* myself. Does that make sense?
Yup.
What do you think gets in the way of your shifting blame off yourself for those things that you had little or no control over? Never mind. I guess I'm beginning to cross some boundaries here.
> One difficulty I have, though, with what has come through is that as soon as I hear the part about no one being assigned the role of protector, I immediately do the self-blame dance, where I failed to protect myself.
You DID fail to protect yourself. This is a fact. Now what?
Whether you tried and failed for weakness or failed to try for fear, you still acted as best you could at the time, and well within the norms of human experience. Blame. I guess you can blame yourself for being like everyone else. Welcome to the club of humanity.
Perhaps you feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and thus you always choose to do the wrong things for yourself and those around you. Every move you make is wrong. Yet, you can't figure out what you are doing wrong. It is a mystery to you.
Does this apply at all? I used to suffer this myself.
I'm sorry. I go too far sometimes.
- Scott
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2005, at 12:55:16
In reply to Re: Why can't I apply it to myself? » Racer, posted by SLS on April 3, 2005, at 22:07:07
>>I'm sorry. I go too far sometimes.
>>Never mind. I guess I'm beginning to cross some boundaries here.
Scott, please don't apologize. As far as I can tell, you ask these things because you care about me. (Don't disillusion me, 'K?) And I care about you. That gives you much broader boundaries in asking these things. Please continue to ask. As many of them as I feel comfortable answering, I will, when I know the answer. When I don't know the answer, I may meander around trying to work it out, though.
>>What do you think gets in the way of your shifting blame off yourself for those things that you had little or no control over?
I'm not sure. I know that, in a lot of individual situations where this comes up for me, someone else told me that it was my fault. Like the dean saying I "should" have done something different. (Finding my way to the highway and then hitch-hiking back to the City. Great advice for a 15 year old girl, huh?)
Some of it is just family influence: assigning blame is a favorite family pastime, you know. My aunt still engages in it when she comes to visit -- although I'm getting much better about saying that "N" word to her. There's also another family habit that I have to overcome that's all wrapped up in this: In my family, saying that you feel something isn't enough -- you have to JUSTIFY your feelings. If you can't explain *why* you feel something, and how some event may have damaged you, then you *don't* feel it. Oh, yeah -- and it's your "fault" for thinking that you did...
I know that that's part of it.
What's more, my aunt would tell you that, since I know recognize all that, I *should* be over it all now. As soon as you recognize a problem, after all, it should be solved, right? (I'm kinda laughing, you know. This has come up several times in her most recent visits. As I said, I'm a lot better now at NOT taking it all in, but it's a process. And, of course, I can set boundaries, but that doesn't say anything about others respecting them.)
(Fortunately, my aunt is great for practicing all this on. And, believe me, if I can set boundaries and defend them with her, I can take on the world.)
>>Don't should all over yourself.
>>Of course, it is your responsibity to know everything about how the Universe works so that you can be prepared for any situation that arises. If you should fail, it must therefore be your fault. You probably didn't do your homework. Age is no excuse.
This cracked me up. Thank you for the smile.
With much affection for you, my friend. Thank you.
Posted by SLS on April 8, 2005, at 6:56:41
In reply to Oh fer cryin' out loud! » SLS, posted by Racer on April 4, 2005, at 12:55:16
Hi Racer.
I thought I had posted a reply here the other day, but I probably forgot to confirm the submission. Oh, well. Nothing too important - except - I'm glad you are still my friend. :-)
I had my first session with a psychotherapist yesterday. It went well.
- Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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