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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by shrinking violet on March 27, 2005, at 11:43:42
In reply to If anyone wants to give me a hand, posted by Dinah on March 26, 2005, at 21:21:58
I like option F the best, no question. But that's just my opinion :-) Good luck! Let us know what you finally decided on....
I'm going to search for some child/knee photos for you. If I'm able to find any, I'll babblemail them to you.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 13:22:16
In reply to Anyone around?, posted by Dinah on March 26, 2005, at 21:09:51
I really am nervous about it.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 13:27:55
In reply to Re: Anyone around? » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on March 27, 2005, at 9:31:58
I like C as well, as it probably is closest to my imagery. If the mother's breast had been showing, I'd definitely go with that one.
A little imp in me wants to use B, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about his milky breast being that exposed. :))
And the one has the pup's tail flip a bit too flagrantly, I think. I don't want to look *that* happy at the teat. I think I'll remove that one from consideration. (Was it D?)
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 13:34:06
In reply to Re: If anyone wants to give me a hand, posted by shrinking violet on March 27, 2005, at 11:43:42
For your input and for your search. :)
I think I may just use the mother/pup imagery for the therapist/mommy part of the card.
A rough draft is something like
(Below Sea of Tranquility) Thank you for being my pink and yellow safe harbor in a sometimes stormy and scary world.
(Below mom and pup) Thank you for being my good-enough therapist/mommy.
(Among photos of his old office) Thank you for being a constant source of support in my life. Thank you for being willing to fight to relationship with me, even when it hasn't been easy.
(Below a picture of me as a child) Love, Me
What do you think?
Did you see the Shona sculpture of mother and child? That's my crash and burn present. It's not at all expensive. Not much more than a week's parking to see him. But I don't know if he'd like it. And I don't know if he'll accept a present of any sort. I might chicken out. I have a small worry stone to substitute if I do. I know he won't reject that. And I'll tell him up front that I know he might accept it, or he might reject it, or he might accept the gift of the symbolism but insist that I keep the actual sculpture. But I might chicken out. Probably will. :(
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 13:54:05
In reply to Re: Thank you » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 13:27:55
Nope, it was E. I removed that one.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 27, 2005, at 21:52:28
In reply to Drat. I didn't check the box., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 0:17:10
You did fine. I looked at them a while ago. I've just been sick and/or at church a lot....
I vote for F. But C is tempting, too.
I loved your rough draft. Said just enough, but not too much.
I think the thought and effort going into this is lovely and you are SO much like me in this area. I, too, would be scared and might chicken out. But I really hope you don't. I guess I'm saying maybe I "get" this aspect of your relationship with him somewhat - the writing the right words and making the gift perfect, etc. 10 years must really be something to reflect on.
I think the sculpture is great. By "crash and burn" gift....hmm...do you mean like after the card doesn't go well, or you chicken out, or...something else? Sorry I may have missed something.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 22:09:13
In reply to Re: Drat. I didn't check the box. » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on March 27, 2005, at 21:52:28
I mean that part of the anniversary is my big risk taking venture. He won't reject the card. And since he uses all the terminology I use in it, I'm not afraid he'll not get it. It'll end up in my file, of course, and I'm prepared for that. After all, I don't want him putting it on his mantle. And I'm sure he'll eat the cupcake.
But giving him a gift at all is chancy. He's got pretty firm boundaries, and I'm guessing he'd consider gift reception a boundary bending or crossing. Giving him an abstract sculpture risks him not liking it at all. He's not always diplomatic, tactful, or even thoughtful. So I run the chance of his rejecting it, letting on he dislikes it, or worse. I'm not sure I'm up to the risk.
On the other hand, you don't hit the big 1-0 every day. I've never given him any sort of tangible gift (only symbolic ones) or even a card. He means an awful lot to me, and though I know he knows he does, I'd like to make it tangible on the tenth anniversary. And maybe the twentyfifth. If we make it to fiftieth, I'd be reasonably suprised.
But I consider giving him a tangible gift to be kamikaze like in risk.
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:36:16
In reply to Re: Drat. I didn't check the box., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 22:09:13
For one thing, it's taking too much of my time and energy to worry about something that's a week off.
For another, my motivation in giving him anything at all - card or gift, is to make me feel good. I even know that it might make him feel uncomfortable. It isn't really a gift to give someone something under those circumstances.
Posted by Tamar on March 29, 2005, at 14:27:58
In reply to I've decided to chicken out, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:36:16
Are you chickening out completely? Have you decided against the card and the cupcake? I understand your reservations about giving him a tangible gift, but I think giving him a card will probably make both of you feel good (not just you). And even if it ends up in your file, I'm sure he'll appreciate both the sentiment and the words. I thought the words you chose were lovely and entirely appropriate.
I'll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by shrinking violet on March 29, 2005, at 17:31:51
In reply to I've decided to chicken out, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:36:16
Aw {{{{Dinah}}}}
Giving gifts can be as much for the giver as the receiver...there's nothing wrong in that at all.
Secondly, you may regret letting this milestone pass without acknowledging it in some special way. At least the card and the cupcake? I'm sure your T will appreciate the thought and time and effort you would have put into both. Please think about it....
Posted by 10derHeart on March 29, 2005, at 20:28:21
In reply to Re: I've decided to chicken out, posted by shrinking violet on March 29, 2005, at 17:31:51
Posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
In reply to I've decided to chicken out, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:36:16
It was just too stressful to be obsessing about something like this, so I put the card together last night (using f and the one with the baby in front of the mother), left the "love" out, and tied it together with yellow ribbon.
I bought a cupcake today, but they put it in a bag and it got squished. So I stopped and got another and made them put it in a box.
I brought it all in, including the gift, and told him that I couldn't stand the anxiety anymore - could we move it up a week. He was a bit amused and wanted to know why I was anxious. Since I've never in ten years gave him a gift, he told me his gift policy. He didn't accept expensive gifts or very frequent gifts, but that otherwise he thought it wasn't very nice to refuse a gift.
I gave him an out anyway. I'm not sure he liked it at first, but I think he was starting to like it by the end of session. I told him all the symbolism in it, and he came up with another bit.
He liked the card as well. I think he actually did.
And we talked about the last five years in therapy, and the five years before that, and what the next five years might bring.
He made me go first, and I was a bit stumped. I don't really think in those terms. Sometimes I feel better when I leave therapy, sometimes I feel worse, and I like the times I feel better. I'm worried about change because it implies I'm not ok as I am now. And I'm worried that I'm expected to outgrow him.
All session he used the symbolism and the words in the card and in the sculpture. Which was lovely. :)
He quoted Scott Peck as saying that people get married for two reasons. One, to procreate, and the other because the friction causes growth and change. He said that therapy is sort of the same, except for the procreation. That he thinks that by fighting to relationship, I've grown and changed. And that by continuing to fight to relationship, I'll continue to grow and change. I kind of liked that view of where we've been and where we're going. :)
I asked if there was enough friction left, because we've grown comfortable. He agreed we've grown comfortable, and says we just need to remember it's our job to introduce friction now and again.
It was altogether lovely. Even in retrospect, I'm not sure I'm glad I gave him the sculpture. But the session was warm and lovely and all one could wish for. He seemed happy and connected.
He says he thinks I benefit from having a therapist/mommy. And I think he's happy enough being mine.
I told him I might get him anther present on our twentyfifth anniversary. :)
Posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:28:34
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
I feel sleepy and well-suckled. I think I'm off to bed for a satiated sleep.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2005, at 21:33:44
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
An interesting solution to the nervousness problem.
Good for you! I'm glad you went through with it.
He's a sweetie.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2005, at 21:43:41
In reply to :-) :-) :-), posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:28:34
Posted by annierose on March 29, 2005, at 23:32:00
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
Dinah -
Awesome solution to your anxiety! Glad you had your anniversary celebration early ... and he is a sweetie! I think T's do like to be stroked once in awhile too. No harm in the gift either. Good for you! -Annierose
Posted by Aphrodite on March 30, 2005, at 6:31:19
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
That sounds like it went wonderfully! I like the Scott Peck comment -- sounds very true.
I'm glad you felt connected and satisfied, and I'm glad you have some clarification about his gift policy. Now you know you can bring him a trinket or goody now and then.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 30, 2005, at 8:18:32
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
Love your solution. Very bold. Your T. must be glowing (and would probably never *fully* confess to what extent...)
And isn't it GREAT when it turns out like this? That experience you describe is precisely why I myself am willing to take risks more and more often - in therapy and IRL. Scary, but the only way to get from here to there in being deeply connected. Your posts made me smile a lot. :-)))
Posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:20:24
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
Thats awesome. The more common response to such anxiety, it seems, is avoidance of the situation. You were proactive in your approach. That's great and functional. I am sure he noticed.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:29:07
In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead » Dinah, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:20:24
He didn't understand why I was so anxious at first. Even at the end, he asked again. I told him it was because he had such very good boundaries I was afraid I'd be intruding on them.
I could feel him start to say something, then stop. I gave him time, but he didn't say anything more. We just sat in silence pregnant with unspoken words. I suspect he was about to say that I had been mistaken about his boundaries because he already explained he wasn't a gift purist, but stopped - maybe because he then considered the possibility that my perception that his boundaries are "good" makes me feel safe. (He's also previously told me that some of the boundaries between us are because of my formidable boundaries, not his. Like he'd occasionally like to give me a hug, but doesn't because he respects my boundaries.) But I'm just guessing here.
I did tell him that one therapy goal would be to learn to react in such a way that he didn't feel the need to be quite so careful in what he said to me. He asked if I thought he lied to me, and that's not quite it. But he knows I prefer my truth beveled, sanded, varnished, and presented in an attractive package. I'm not sure I want him to feel free to be blunt, because I don't really like blunt. But I'd like to react in a way that he didn't (legitimately from past experience) believe that he needed to be very very careful. Maybe just careful. :)
It wasn't so very brave. No matter what I decided or didn't decide, or didn't do and wished I did, or wished I did but didn't do, the pain would have gone on for at least a week if not more. The very unbrave thing was to just get the d*mn thing over with.
I'm so very glad it went well. And yes, I did detect a bit of beaming below the surface, though I didn't say anything I haven't said many times before.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:32:55
In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on March 30, 2005, at 8:18:32
>
> And isn't it GREAT when it turns out like this? That experience you describe is precisely why I myself am willing to take risks more and more often - in therapy and IRL. Scary, but the only way to get from here to there in being deeply connected. Your posts made me smile a lot. :-)))
That's what my therapist has been trying to teach me. But I'm less willing to take risks outside therapy because experience has shown me that the payoff is not nearly as great and risk much greater outside therapy. But maybe that's just me and the circle of people I inhabit. Or maybe I'm just not skilled enough with it.But this was a relationship risk and he recognized that, bless him. I think it did have a relationship deepening effect. It somehow made tangible the bonds of relationship that we frequently discuss.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 30, 2005, at 12:15:47
In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:29:07
>>The very unbrave thing was to just get the d*mn thing over with.<<
Well, I think I get most of what you've said, and understand. But I'd disagree just with this. Would it truly have been brave to suffer in this case?
I don't think waiting that week fell into the category of *righteous* or *necessary* suffering (in the M. Scott Peck kind of way). I think it would have been unnecessary and accomplished nothing. So, I still see it as braver and wiser to have jumped in instead of waiting and possibly ruminating. Sometimes waiting and stewing is, in a way, less brave, because it requires no movement. No decision, no change. And that to me, is a hard part - doing something. Anything at all - especially if it's different.
I hope that wasn't rude at all, and made a tiny bit of sense. I didn't construct my thoughts very well. (Foggy today after weird T. session.)
Posted by Tamar on March 30, 2005, at 12:21:03
In reply to I chickened forward instead, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2005, at 21:00:33
I'm so glad you went for it, and that it went so well!
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 12:36:58
In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on March 30, 2005, at 12:15:47
What happened? If you don't mind talking about it.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 30, 2005, at 14:46:12
In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 12:36:58
I don't mind at all. In fact, I'm silly for not doing it already, since it really started last Wednesday....I'll start a thread a bit later this evening as I am just home a few minutes between events and obligations right now...
And thanks for asking. It felt nice that you did. :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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