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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on March 23, 2005, at 14:06:51
Today I am just wishing too much that I could write to my old T. It has been two months since I terminated with him and haven't heard from him since. I wrote once a month back, but haven't gotten a reply.
I wish I could write. Maybe once a month or so, and he would reply. But I think he doesn't want to write to me anymore, and that would hurt so much if I write and didn't receive a reply.
I have gotten my resident status (Green Card) since I left my T, and he knows how much it meant to me. I want to tell him.
Posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 17:51:07
In reply to Wish I could write, posted by pinkeye on March 23, 2005, at 14:06:51
Would it help if you wrote and included in there an instruction for him not to reply? A lot of times when I'm afraid of being hurt, I tell the person to do what I'm afraid of, then I won't be hurt when they do it.
I guess it's not terribly healthy, but it works. A bit.
Posted by pinkeye on March 23, 2005, at 17:58:15
In reply to Re: Wish I could write » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 17:51:07
What will I gain though? If he doesn't reply, I will be hurt.. I can't go through it anymore. It hurts a lot to write and not receive a reply back. I end up thinking that I am a nuisance and he doesn't like me etc etc.. it hurts too much. So far it was atleast ok, he was my psychiatrist and I had a kind of right to write and it was ok for me not to receive a reply for everything I wrote. But now he is not even a psychiatrist. Why would he even care to know what is going on with me anymore?
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:35:49
In reply to Re: Wish I could write » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 17:51:07
Funny you should put into words so succintly what I do too. Oh, yes, Terminate me, T. Reject me, here, no here, dear T, allow me to make myself unpresentable, unworkable, the most difficult client you've ever had just so that you have to reject me. Because I know you'll do it anyway, I will have to go before I'm ready, I know that, so I might as well get it over with. Oh, you've been putting up with my phone calls for how long now? And you're still doing it? Let me try harder to become unacceptable.
No, it doesn't work for me, either. And remarkably, now, perhaps he won't hate me either. Today he told me he thought I was a lovely person. Wasn't that nice of him?
Bitter with life; I've hurt myself so much, done as much damage to myself, more even, than was ever done to me.
It's not his fault. He was confused. I'm confusing to everybody. Sigh. But I'm glad there're other people who're confused too. Selfish of me. So terribly selfish. I wish none of us were confused.
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:46:35
In reply to Re: Wish I could write » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:35:49
He didn't actually say he'd been "putting up with" my phone calls, he never said anything so bad about them that I recall. He was always gentle with me about them. Except when he told me to stop making them, he told me that in writing. And I told him how much it hurt, that letter really hurt, I asked him not to write any more letters to me that will hurt me, and he didn't. Even when I'm sure he was upset with me for still calling when I needed to vent or emote, he didn't write me any more hurtful letters. He was good to me, maybe he thought I deserved it. I really hope so, I hope so.
Posted by pinkeye on March 24, 2005, at 12:44:23
In reply to Re: Wish I could write, posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:46:35
The way you are visualizing yourself is very wrong. You are rejecting yourself so much and thinking of yourself as unacceptable and unlovable. And you try to behave in the same way to prove to yourself that you are right.
Apparently, people will give anything to know that they are right. What if you are wrong? Can you accept yourself to be wrong about something? What if you had always been wrong about what you think you are? What if you are a lovely person as your thearpist has said and that you are just not allowing yourself to be?
I would really suggest reading some good novels, and good movies where women are portrayed as good and strong and healthy and deserving of love. I like Daniel Steel's novels .. the way she portrays women is excellent. Strong and healthy and feminine and loving. I try to keep that as a role model for myself many times. Even the movie Sound of Music is one of the excellent movies - her character in that movie is absolutely fabulous. Try to pick up some role model for yourself... We all need that very badly.
Posted by annierose on March 24, 2005, at 17:06:34
In reply to Re: Wish I could write » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:35:49
Susan -
I'm confused. I thought your new T was a female, and you just referred to your T as a male.
I know your former T was male, but that sentence was in the present tense. "Today he told me I was a lovely person" ... who is the "T"?
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 17:17:47
In reply to Re: Wish I could write » Susan47, posted by annierose on March 24, 2005, at 17:06:34
My ex-. Don't ask. It has not been a stellar day.
Posted by pinkeye on March 24, 2005, at 19:12:59
In reply to Wish I could write, posted by pinkeye on March 23, 2005, at 14:06:51
Anyway, I just decided that I shall not be writing to him. I like him and respect him a lot to mess up my relationship with him by constantly writing and hurting myself when he doesn't reply. And my own self respect is not allowing me to be a nuisance to him anymore.
This is the end of the thread.
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