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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 7 to 31 of 42. Go back in thread:
Posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 10:44:08
In reply to Re: I quit therapy today, posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 10:24:58
And I left a message with her secretary asking that she please call me. I'm honestly not sure if she will, though. I don't think I deserve for her to.
I guess I would like a chance to explain to her why. She does deserve that. Mainly I want to apologize to her for the *way* I did it. It was not indicative of how I feel about her or of the respect that she has most certainly earned. I am disappointed in myself for not doing it in a way that showed her those things. I haven't really been able to figure out yet what a better way would have been given the circumstances. But I *know* there has to be one. The way I handled it feels very wrong.
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 11:27:36
In reply to I have called, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 10:44:08
I hope you don't mind me putting it in here again, Skittles, but you are taking responsibility for her feelings.
Can I say this about me, Skittles, and can you understand this about what happened with my last therapist? I felt so rotten, so bad about myself, the way I was, the way I felt I was behaving, that I turned myself inside out trying to explain things. I've said this before and I'm saying it again: I Wiped The Floor With Myself.
Please stop doing that with your own self. If I'm wrong, forgive me. I just know you're taking too much responsibility. A little bit is okay, but if you try to explain yourself once to her, and she doesn't respond the way you need her to, then don't put yourself out there with her again because she will continue to disappoint you. Mine did. He was completely unable to grow as a person. This T you have MAY be like that as well, or she may not. But be careful, because I can tell you're extremely empathetic to her; I was dangerously so with my ex-T and he never ever saw that. He almost destroyed me.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 11, 2005, at 11:49:53
In reply to I have called, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 10:44:08
From the perspective of one who used to quit on a monthly basis, please make sure your are certain and clear about it. I hope she calls you and the two of you can make a plan to either overcome the issues that made you want to quit in the first place or to find a gentle, safe way to exit, perhaps by tapering off.
One of my times leaving and when I had the strength to say I wanted to come back was such a breakthrough. I had nothing to lose. I was firing him, right? So, I just told him everything that had ever bothered me from the color of his office walls to the way he was relating to me. He committed to work with me, and everything improved. I was so glad that I did that. (The office walls are still the same color, but we're working on that. :)
So, I am so glad you called, and I hope she meets you where you are and the two of you can resolve it together.
Posted by mair on March 11, 2005, at 13:26:22
In reply to I have called, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 10:44:08
Skittles, I picked up the same thing Susan did. You are the patient. You are not responsible for her feelings. It's not your job to take care of her. She certainly had a hand in how you reacted.
I realize that some degree of remourse is inevitable. I've told my own T that I see nothing wrong with being concerned about her. She acknowledges this only so long as it doesn't prevent me from raising issues because I'm afraid of how she'll take them on a personal level.
So go ahead an apologize if you must. But don't let that get in the way of what is much more important, namely the need to process your own anger towards her. That should be the real focus of the next session.
I hope she sees this too, and I hope she'll remind you that problems have to be worked through in every relationship. Reserve judgment on quitting until you've given working things out a try.
And of course let us know how it goes.
mair
Posted by daisym on March 11, 2005, at 14:57:25
In reply to Re: I have called » Skittles, posted by mair on March 11, 2005, at 13:26:22
I'm really glad you called. It took a lot of strength. I've done it where I dial and hangup three times...so good for you.
I'm sure she will call you back. Please be honest with her and don't try to take care of her. It is part of what works in therapy...
Waiting is agony, for that call back. But we are still here for you.
Daisy
Posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 15:13:12
In reply to Re: I have called, posted by daisym on March 11, 2005, at 14:57:25
>>>Waiting is agony, for that call back.
Yes, it *is* agony. I'm starting to be convinced that I will not hear from her - at least not before she leaves. On Friday's she closes her office at noon and has always returned calls by 12:30. Here it is after 3 and no call.
I can't help but want to take care of her - at least a little. She is a human being, one that I care about and treated poorly. I think that deserves an apology, T or not.
It's not that I'm sorry for quitting. I DO want to talk to her about it, but I'm not sure that will change anything. What I'd really like is for any parting to be peaceful and with each of us feeling we've said what we need to say and with no hard feelings. As things stand right now, I definitely have them and she probably does too. That's no good.
Posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
In reply to Re: I have called, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 15:13:12
And I am shaken. She was cold, though I can't blame her at all. I apologized, she said she appreciated it but that she didn't see any reason for us to meet together again. We talked some and her response turned into "I'm not completely closing the door on your coming back, but...." Of course I'm leaving out a *lot* of the in-between. I just am not able to get into it now. But I will as I calm down. Please be watching for me because I'm really going to need your help in deciding what to do.
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:42:08
In reply to She Called Back, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
(Skittles) She sounds much like my ex-. I guess this is T behaviour at its worst? No, maybe not. Not the worst. But awful, terrible nonetheless. My heart is with you. (((Skittles)))
Posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 18:55:46
In reply to She Called Back, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
From the way you tell it, it sounds as if she was still angry when she called, and I don't think she had a right to be. She should have been starting to recognise her part in the situation by the time she called you.
You said she was going away - when will she be back? Will you call her? Is that one of the things you have to decide?
I'll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by Aphrodite on March 11, 2005, at 19:10:20
In reply to She Called Back, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
I'm glad she called -- I just wish it could have been more peaceful and reassuring for you. Did you make any plans to speak again? I think you need better closure -- could you write her a letter with what you would need to be OK with it all and ask her to help more? Maybe she will soften by then.
Posted by annierose on March 11, 2005, at 19:19:43
In reply to Re: She Called Back » Skittles, posted by Aphrodite on March 11, 2005, at 19:10:20
Skittles - WOW! Certainly, that wasn't what any of us thought her response would have been. The first time I went to therapy, I can't even remember the amount of times I walked out during my session, ranting "I quit!" She always would call me a day or two later, make another appointment and work it out. Always!! She always led by example. When 2 people disagree about something, anything, they should be able to talk about their hurt feelings. I learned so much from that experience.
I am so sorry she over-reacted. Sounds like you are being the grown-up and she is acted like a child. SO SORRY. Sending good vibes your way,
Annierose
Posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 20:00:56
In reply to She Called Back, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
Her feelings about this ought not affect her therapy with you. You freaked out, she doesn't understand what happened. It's her job to try to get you to come back and talk about it.
For goodness sake, when our T's go away, most of us get wierd. That's therapy 101!
How many people get hurt and quit therapy? A bazillion. How many T's phone and talk through some of the hurt with their clients and the clients agree to go back? Most of the bazillion that quit in the first place.
Your T must really need a break. I am so sorry for you! I am not in a great space myself right now, so maybe I am angry for things that don't have anything to do with your T. But honestly, if my T had encouraged me to quit every time I wanted to, I wouldn't have been in therapy for every long. As it was, each time he'd call me, or would tell me that he didn't think it was a good idea, and he'd always try to get to the bottom of the feelings that made me want to go.
I send you hugs, sorry if they're somewhat angry hugs, but that should only show in that they're kind of tighter than usual.
ShortE
Posted by Daisym on March 11, 2005, at 22:59:57
In reply to Re: She Called Back, posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 20:00:56
I'm astonished. I really want to hear the rest of the conversation. I can't believe she is just going to let you go like this. My therapist would never, ever...but, different people have different theories on how much the client needs to own.
There is something else here. It just doesn't feel right. Perhaps SHE was uncomfortable being physically close??
I'm sorry. You must be really devastated. I hope the dialog stays open.
Group hug for you.
Daisy
Posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 1:53:36
In reply to Re: She Called Back, posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:42:08
....just a little. Don't get me wrong, I *do* think she's made some mistakes here and I'm not sure whether she's going to be able to own up to them. But she isn't uncomfortable with the physical closeness (at least at the time, but who the heck knows now) and she wasn't taking it away all together. As a result of some serious miscommunication she thought it was what I wanted.
When I talked to her about cancelling the Thursday appointment, I told her that I was in a place where I wasn't bothered by the fact that she was going away, that I didn't think I'd miss her terribly and was afraid that seeing her again before she left might change that. Well, when we spoke this afternoon she told me I said I was afraid that feeling close to her would cause me to miss her more. First of all, I KNOW those aren't the words that came out of my mouth. Second, I do *not* think those two statements mean the same thing. I really feel like she was putting words in my mouth here. What I meant by my words was to encompass any number of things - like what if something came out that affected me emotionally and she wouldn't be there to help in the aftermath, or what if it turned into a really horrible session (like it did). Am I way off thinking she dropped the ball here?
So, thinking I meant closeness would make me miss her, she was trying to give me some distance. But I completely misunderstood when she tried to explain this to me on Thursday. Probably because I had absolutely no clue what she had inferred from my comment the day before. We were completely missing each other. Thus began the freak out on my part because I thought she was saying that she wouldn't be sitting with me anymore. That triggered shame for letting my needs be known, and feeling like they were bad things to want in the first place, etc. But I don't think she is able or willing to see this right now. All she would say about this on the phone is that she *probably* should have told me earlier in the session why she wasn't sitting with me.
Anyway, that's a little tidbit of what happened on the phone. There's lots more. This part I think I have figured out (though tell me if you think I'm wrong), the rest I'm still not sure what happened. So when I post about it later, it probably won't make as much sense. But you guys will be here to help me, right?
Posted by gardenergirl on March 12, 2005, at 6:44:09
In reply to I feel the need to defend her, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 1:53:36
Skittles,
It sounds like an awful miscommunication that happened. And I do think your T dropped the ball. Maybe something's going on with her in her personal life that is making her less effective right now?I do hope you and she can come to some peace with this, whether you continue or not. And I hope that however it winds up, it's what's best for you.
In the meantime, do something wonderful for yourself if you can.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:06:23
In reply to She Called Back, posted by Skittles on March 11, 2005, at 18:34:44
I have a feeling that the rest of the story may clarify better.
My therapist was particularly good at my terminations, though he now says that he learned all he knows from me. And I now know that they hurt and angered him and made him mistrustful of me, but he certainly never disclosed the extent of that while we were in the midst of that period. He just requested that I come in to discuss it, expressed his continued desire to work with me, and held the door open for my return. I always slunk back after a week or two.
But this sort of conversation probably goes better in person than on the phone. Is there any possibility of meeting in person to hash things out?
Have you been dissatisfied with your therapist for a long time? Feeling like you need to get away in light of your other circumstances seems understandable right now. Under the circumstances, if it were me, I wouldn't particularly trust any sudden shift in attitude on my part towards my therapist.
Posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
In reply to Re: She Called Back » Skittles, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:06:23
I hope I don’t get too detailed with all this, but I want to include everything I can remember in case some of you see importance where I didn’t. This could be long, so forgive me. I have many, many thought about all this as well, but I will save those until the end so as not to confuse (at least as much as I can).
When she called, I told her I appreciated her calling me back and that I wasn’t sure she actually would. She said in a tone that seemed cold to me, “I would return your call.” I said I was really sorry about how I handled quitting. She said she appreciated that. Then I remember her saying something about how that should have been discussed in her office. I told her that I would like an opportunity to do that. She responded that she didn’t really see any reason for us to meet together again. That she thought I was too ambivalent about therapy, as evidenced by canceling and rescheduling Thursday’s appointment and then quitting after the Thursday session. She said that was just too much in one week. That I wasn’t in the right place to be in therapy. I think this was about where I started to cry. She said she wanted me to be committed to therapy for myself and not for her. I told her that I was committed to it for me but that she played a big role in that. She said, “You mean the relationship,” and I said yes.
She then asked what I hoped to accomplish by meeting together again. I said at least to walk away with no hard feelings. She asked if I meant for her or for me and I told her for both of us. She said that for her part, she wasn’t so much hurt as she was taken aback by what I did. That she didn’t think that was where we were. I told her that I hadn’t felt like there was even time to talk about it in the office because she didn’t mention her reasoning until the end and tried to explain how I’d really begun to be able to carry that connected feeling with me b/w sessions once she started sitting with me and that I felt like she was taking that away at the very time I needed it most (her vacation). She said, “that’s not what you said when we talked by phone on Wednesday,” to which I replied, “I didn’t realize I said anything Wednesday that would contradict that.” She said, “You told me that to be close to me would make you miss me more and you didn’t want to come because you were afraid you might get closer. So I was trying to give you the space you wanted.” I responded, “What I think I actually said was I am in a place where I’m not bothered by your trip and I don’t think I’ll miss you terribly and I’m afraid coming might change that.” Long pause. She says, “I took that a step further.” (you think?????)
I guess this is where I *should* have seen what happened, but I didn’t until I hung up and had a chance to think. Anyway, then I started explaining how this brought up the need issues for me. Why you shouldn’t let them be known because you start to feel something good from having them met and then it gets arbitrarily taken away. She said, “but you didn’t ask on Thursday,” and I agreed, saying that I had asked in the past (I feel like she was a little defensive here). She said she *probably* should have told me earlier in the session why she why she did it. Then she said that she really wanted me to hear her now, that she wasn’t closing the door completely on seeing me again. She explained that she didn’t really know what to do to help me get out of this depression and that I wasn’t doing the things she suggested like I should. That she didn’t know *why* I wouldn’t do them because I wouldn’t tell her (I’ll explain this more later). She said that continuing to see me under such circumstances made her feel like a participant in the not getting better. That I needed to think about whether I wanted to do some things that were uncomfortable but led me down the road to getting better or if I wanted to be uncomfortable with things that kept me depressed. I told her I *did* want to get better and that she was right, I’m uncomfortable either way so it might as well be from doing something that could help me. She told me she was glad to hear that. I also explained to her that there are so many things in my life that need fixed I get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. She said, “I just want you to start where you are.” (I’m sorry, but what the h*ll does that mean? That’s about the most trite and useless thing she’s ever said to me.) Then she said that she was going to leave the ball in my court. To take some time to think about it and give her a call.
Ok, so my general thoughts on the call (feel free to comment and be honest. I’d rather feel the sting here and be prepared for anything my T might throw at me later):I’m disturbed that her initial inclination would be to *not* be willing to meet with me at least one more time when I asked to.
I don’t think I’m really ambivalent about therapy. I think its fear. I’m afraid to trust her too much. Afraid of being attached. Afraid of letting her in. So there’s this push-pull thing going on. And she’s never really offered any suggestions about how to overcome that – maybe there aren’t any. I don’t know. I just know that I really want to feel better than I do.
I also think it’s very clear why this week has been so difficult for me. She knows I’ve been dealing with my mother being sick and not able to see her own patients and how that’s brought up fears about how my own T could disappear at any time. The person I spend the most time with (other than my husband) has been out of town all week and I’ve missed her terribly. Plus, she told me Monday that she’d be missing our next three appointments! So is it really too much "ambivalence" for one week given the circumstances?
I’m bothered that she took my words a “step further” without first checking to see if her steps were heading in the same direction as mine.
I never intended for it to be that way, but looking back, I can see that she may have been enabling me and I feel really, really terrible about that. I don’t want her to save or rescue me. I’ll save myself, thank you very much. That’s how it’s always been.
I’m concerned that she’s not admitting her mistakes here. Maybe I’m getting caught up too much with the words, but *probably* should have told me earlier in the session? If I had answered one of her questions like that, she would have responded with, “Which is it?” And from that flows the fact that I feel like she’s blaming me entirely for Thursday’s breakdown. I will own most of it, but I refuse to own all of it. For once in my life, I can actually see that it wasn’t all me.
As far as her suggestions for shaking this depression, she was talking AD’s the first day I said I felt sad, so I didn’t really take it too seriously then. But as it got worse, I did a lot of research and I’m very hesitant. I’m far too embarrassed to tell her, but the reason I don’t want to take them has to do with effects on the libido. Sex in an obligation for me. I do it because my husband has needs and I don’t want him feeling rejected when none of this is his fault. A lot of the time I try to disappear inside my head until it’s over. But sometimes, my “getting there” is important to my husband, so I can’t disappear. I’m ashamed to tell you the things I have to think about to accomplish that, but suffice it to say it is difficult. I can’t imagine taking anything that would make me less interested in sex or more to climax. The flashbacks and tears are fewer, the less time it takes. I just have not been able to tell her this – I mean I don’t talk to *anybody* about my sex life. Not even my friends. Even putting this here makes me feel extremely vulnerable and very ashamed.
Ok, that’s enough for one post. I really feel like I want to see her at least once more just to say to her face, “I’m not the only person who made mistakes here!” And I *do* want to get well, but I’m not sure I can do it with her at this point. I’d like to try and will post my concerns about that later. Thank you for reading.
Posted by annierose on March 12, 2005, at 17:13:15
In reply to The Phone Call, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
Skittle -
I'm so sorry for everything! It's not you, it's her. Please try to remember that. I read everything, and she should have handled your call WAY better. Nothing you said was wrong, you were just telling her how you feel, and that is what therapy is all about. Don't take the responsibility away from her.
You deserved another appointment. I think most therapists are use to clients getting frightened, backing away, and it is their job to make you feel comfortable with the conflict, to talk about it with them. That is why I am so puzzled by her reaction, and blaming you.
I wish I knew what to tell you to do. That is your choice and decision. Sit with your feelings. You have a week to decide. I would want to see her again, but not if she was going to blame me.
As a sidenote to sexual discussions with therapists ... I found it very helpful to understand certain feelings I had re: sex to talk about them. But I felt safe in her office. I knew she wasn't there to judge me, but to help. It took courage, and I'm happy I found the strength to get it verbalized.
Thinking about you - wish I had a magic wand -
Annierose
Posted by Tamar on March 12, 2005, at 18:58:51
In reply to The Phone Call, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
It sounds to me as if there’s been a serious misunderstanding here, and I agree with you that your T isn’t admitting her mistakes. She doesn’t seem to be taking the whole picture into account: the problems with your mother and your T’s unavailability are bound to make you ‘ambivalent’. But ‘ambivalent’ is quite a strong word – perhaps ‘anxious’ or ‘uncertain’ would be fairer to you. So you don’t know what you want – well no wonder!
I think it would be helpful if you see her again, even if it’s for the last time. I hope she will acknowledge her mistakes and offer you whatever you need to move forward from this damaging experience.
I also think you’re right to be cautious about taking medication that could have an effect on your libido. Life is hard enough without having to negotiate a lack of interest in sex when your partner, with the best will in the world, probably doesn’t understand what you’re going through.
And I can understand the shame and vulnerability in talking about your problems with sex. I was eventually able to tell my T all kinds of shameful details about traumatic events in my past, and it was very difficult. But even though I was able to say all those terrible things, it was even worse when I tried to talk about the problems I have in bed with my husband. My husband also has an interest in my ‘getting there’, but it was impossible for me for a very long time, and although I wanted to talk to my friends and my T about it I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. So I can understand that talking about sexual stuff is hard. I’m glad you were able to write about it in your post, though. Did you feel that writing it helped in any way? Sometimes if you say it once you can say it again and it starts to get more say-able. Do you think you might be able to talk about it some more? I know you will find a lot of sympathy and support here.
I think you’re very brave and I admire you for that.
Tamar
Posted by daisym on March 12, 2005, at 22:41:29
In reply to The Phone Call, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
That was really a tough phone call. It feels like such a role reversal -- you asking to come in and clarify and talk about it and her saying she doesn't think this is the time. Hard to know what to do...
Only you can really answer how you feel about therapy, if you want to continue, or if you think it is time to stop for awhile. But there seems to be so many things you aren't talking about, and she isn't asking about. If these things are out in the open, can you work on your relationship with her and will this be helpful? Do you know why you are holding back?
As far as talking about sex, it is really hard. But I don't think you can do it if you don't trust that your therapist won't judge you or pressure you to do certain things. She can't help you if you aren't honest but she has to make it safe enough for you to be honest.
I hear how badly you are hurting. I wish I could make it all better for you. Try to put it away for a few days and then maybe relook at it. Give yourself a fresh perspective.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:49:53
In reply to The Phone Call, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
Ouch.
She's not showing much perception about you, is she? That's curable. It's up to you to decide if it's worth curing.
Can you tell me more about her? How long you've been seeing her, how attached you feel to her, what feelings she generally engenders in you? It's almost good that you have this week to analyze whether this relationship is worth saving.
I can't tell you the number of relationship hurdles I've gotten through with my therapist, many almost as bad as this one. Although he always wanted me to come in again and discuss things.
Let's give the power back to you. Is this a relationship worth working on?
Posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 9:29:42
In reply to The Phone Call, posted by Skittles on March 12, 2005, at 16:41:08
I agree with Dinah. Since she said the ball is in your court, you have the power. I would imagine that it would be quite common for clients to struggle with the attachment issues you describe. Goodness knows a lot of us here do. I'm surprised she could not handle that more skillfully.
You have some time to catch your breath. Feel free to do the pro/con list here on Babble so we can support you in making whatever decision is right for you.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Posted by Skittles on March 13, 2005, at 11:42:16
In reply to Re: The Phone Call » Skittles, posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:49:53
I've been seeing her for almost a year and am extremely attached. I feel calmed and cared about when I'm with her. She is kind and gentle (well, except for last week - that has been a real shocker). She has incorporated a little bit of safe touch into our therapy and that has been very important to me.
Is is worth salvaging? Yes, it is to me. And while I'd like to try, I have many worries. First and foremost, I wonder if she is really willing to continue to work with me (and if she can do it w/o resenting me) or if she just said what she did to get me off the phone, thinking that she wouldn't hear from me again, that I'd just crawl away with my tail between my legs.
Everything else applies to me and my own feelings. As things sit now, I worry that I'm going to constantly be feeling like I have to measure up - to prove myself to her or she'll terminate me. It's such a throw-back to being a teenager when my parents were of the attitude, "If you don't do what we say, we don't want anything to do with you." I already feel like I should "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am" her if I see her again.
I don't understand why, in session on Thursday, she told me that my indecisiveness over whether or not to come was okay, but Friday it was used against me as an example of why I'm possibly not ready for therapy. Will I be able to trust her again when she tells me something is acceptable?
I've struggled with the calling issue and whether I'm an intrusion or it's too much (and I've actually quit calling). We've talked about it and she told me she'd address it with me before it became a problem. Well, would she really? It seems to me that she let her feelings about enabling me and my so-called ambivalence become problems before talking to me about them.
I don't know how soon is ok to call her or what changes, if any, I must make before then. Should I have already started or do I just need to be absolutely sure I'm ready to start? Does she expect me to suddenly be unafraid and able to talk freely and easily? I can't promise those things. In fact, I think they are going to be even more of a challenge for awhile. I feel completely lost trying to figure all of this out on my own. I am left with no IRL support.
I have chosen to tell my husband a little about this and to ask him to hug and hold me. He has been surprisingly supportive, but there is a price to pay for me. He seems to link any kind of affection to sex, so when I allow him to touch me in any way, all roads seem to lead to that. And as I explained before, that experience is fraught with problems for me. But in the moment when I'm feeling so overwhelmed, I need some kind of contact and he's all I have. I'm fearful that the pain of it all will have me presenting even worse if I see her again and THAT will cause her to say I'm not doing enough for myself. I just feel stuck, like nothing I do will be right.
Posted by shrinking violet on March 13, 2005, at 11:44:13
In reply to Re: The Phone Call » Skittles, posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 9:29:42
{{{{Skittles}}}}
I'm in a similar situation with my T right now as well....it's hard to know what to do, and how much responsibility falls on either side. I'm sorry you have to make such a tough decision.....As others said, maybe try to use this week to figure out if the relationship with her is worth saving. Maybe go over your experience with her thus far...if this is an isolated incident, perhaps the misunderstandings can be worked through and it might even bring you both a clearer understanding of each other and a stronger bond as a result.
Sending you strength and hugs,
SV
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 12:00:15
In reply to Re: The Phone Call (Dinah and everyone), posted by Skittles on March 13, 2005, at 11:42:16
How vulnerable have you made yourself to this point? Have you told her what you just told me? Have you explained how what happened to your mother made you feel and how it guided your responses in the past week?
Repairing a relationship that is worth salvaging doesn't mean doing what she wants to please her so that she'll allow you to continue with her. That wouldn't be much of a repair or a relationship. But opening up to another level, letting her know how you have an impulse to try to please her so that she'll allow you to stay, being honest about how all this makes you feel, that opens the door to repair. It takes two, and if she's skilled at relationships, she'll respond in kind.
My therapist's greatest skill (other than exuding calm) is his skill at relationship repair. But there have been times... I quit and came back many times in the first five years of therapy. I said hurtful things about not feeling any attachment to him. And then things changed for me. But he kept reacting to me as if nothing had changed. And again, I asked him to look at ME now, and if he could accept that I wasn't the person I was before, and react to me as I was now. Otherwise our relationship was going to get stuck. And he did, or he tried really hard and mostly succeeded. But that took a lot of vulnerability on my side, a certain amount of vulnerability on his side, and a willingness on both of our sides to commit to working it through.
If you're willing to do that, and she's willing to do that, this can be repaired.
On the other hand, I made some changes too. One big change was that I promised myself that if I ever mentioned leaving again, it was going to be because I really really meant it, and had thought it out thoroughly and rationally first.
(Maybe she's just having an extraordinarily bad week, and is distracted by her upcoming trip.)
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