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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
Everything is so mixed up right now. I posted in a thread above about my mother's sudden hearing loss and about how she is a T and I will be the one calling her clients. She's been on steroids and anibiotics since Thursday and there has been no change in hearing so far. Also had an MRI Friday that revealed nothing (not sure if that's good or not, you know?). So for now, we continue with the medicine and sit tight for bloodwork results which could take a few weeks.
It's been so hard b/c I've had much more contact with the parents over the last few days. My childhood was not good, so many memories coming back and I've been trying so hard to distance from them, but now I can't. Hardest with my father. Over there twice on Friday. Once, he grabbed me and held me close and told me he couldn't ask for a better daughter. Oh yeah? Then why did you do those horrible things to me? Second time he hugged me and told me he was feeling a lot of guilt over how he treated me when I was growing up. I wonder exactly what he's admitting to? But at the same time I absolutely DO NOT want to talk about it with him. Mostly I just wanted him to let me go. I don't like it when he touches me.
And I'm selfish and hateful because I feel like they are asking me to do too much. They wanted me to call mother's MD Friday to ask some questions (among MANY other things). And that got me really irritated (with them and with myself for being irritated at them). My father was home that day and they are young (in their 50's). There is no reason in the world he couldn't do this one thing. The war machine can't take it anymore. I think he's falling apart. We all are, actually.
And then there is therapy. For the past couple of weeks there has been a huge internal war going on. Part of me wants to cuddle up next to T and part wants to build the walls taller than ever to keep her out, out, out. Ever since this happened with mother, the builder part has been working on overdrive. If this can happen to mother and her clients, it could happen to me and my own T. Talked to my T Friday about how I dreaded calling mother's clients because I know how I'd feel as the recipient of such a call. She said, "Not everyone would feel like you. For a lot of people this is just something they do." So, of course that makes me feel terrible about my level of dependence. I am a bad, abnormal, and overly needy client. As I was leaving she told me to feel free to call this weekend. Of course I can't. The builder is absolutely frantic now.
Posted by Susan47 on March 6, 2005, at 12:21:14
In reply to The mother, therapy, etc., posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
I haven't been reading your threads about your mom, Skittles, so I'm sorry if I'm off base in my thinking, and I may regret posting this, but it's my gut instinct from years of sexual abuse work, and my perceptions only walk a very thin line, but here goes, okay?
It sounds like your mother's falling apart because old secrets are about to be revealed, she can't ignore what went on anymore your father's guilt is becoming blatantly obvious to her and because she can't hear you, or didn't hear you for so many years, she can't bear to hear her clients either. ?
Posted by Susan47 on March 6, 2005, at 12:25:02
In reply to The mother, therapy, etc., posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
Maybe you could tell your T how you feel about what she said. Perhaps she didn't mean it in the same way you understand it. Perhaps, she can distance herself from her clients but still care. If you were to call her after all, this weekend, would you feel cared for afterwards? Maybe that's all you need to get from her, maybe she's giving it to you but you're not seeing that because of so many years of negative feelings?
Posted by alexandra_k on March 6, 2005, at 19:20:48
In reply to The mother, therapy, etc., posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
Aw Skittles, I hate dealing with my parents too :-(
> If this can happen to mother and her clients, it could happen to me and my own T.
Could you tell your t that?
>Talked to my T Friday about how I dreaded calling mother's clients because I know how I'd feel as the recipient of such a call. She said, "Not everyone would feel like you. For a lot of people this is just something they do."
Yeah. Different people are in therapy for different things. Get different levels of attachment etc. She was probably trying to help you feel better by saying that too...
> So, of course that makes me feel terrible about my level of dependence. I am a bad, abnormal, and overly needy client.
If you are then there are a lot of us like that here at Babble!!! I don't think you are 'bad' or 'overly needy' and as for 'abnormal' I am still trying to figure out what 'normal' is supposed to be.
Actually I think therapists don't mind it when we feel like that. It means we are getting attached to them. Nicer to have positive rather than negative transference I would say.
>As I was leaving she told me to feel free to call this weekend. Of course I can't. The builder is absolutely frantic now.
I can be like that too...
But it can be a lonely place to be.
Could you talk to her about how you are worried about how dependent you feel?I don't know.
Just a thought...
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2005, at 19:38:21
In reply to The mother, therapy, etc., posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
Skittles, your mother's situation (among other things) has ME building a wall in therapy. And begging my therapist for a backup again. It seems like a normal reaction to me. But what do I know from normal.
My therapist has said the same sort of thing your therapist did when I ask him if his clients don't mind him taking off a week once a month (when his work used to bring him out of town that often). He said most are grateful for the break. But I also know that he *prefers* the type of therapy that we do and wishes more clients were willing to stick it out and go deeper.
Posted by antigua on March 7, 2005, at 15:29:02
In reply to The mother, therapy, etc., posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
I wish I could take that list of clients from you and call me them so you don't have to do it. It sounds like it's all too close for you--personally, I wish she had asked another T to do if, and not her daughter, especially one who is working so hard through her own stuff. Can you go on autopilot or something so you don't have to feel anything when you do this?
Try to keep strong. Mixing your father into it all has to be hard, too. If they were 80 or something I'd understand better.
antigua
Posted by Skittles on March 8, 2005, at 19:13:39
In reply to Re: The mother, therapy, etc. » Skittles, posted by antigua on March 7, 2005, at 15:29:02
My appointment Monday did not go well. Nothing bad happened, but I just couldn't talk. She sat quietly with me for over half an hour and I was completely mute - I mean completely. The words just wouldn't come. Then she told me that she's going to be out of town all next week and the Monday following. She apologized for not telling me sooner and promised that she'd be back. I just nodded. Then I told her I was ready to leave - like 15 minutes early. I've never done that before. But I couldn't feel her inside anywhere. She's gone. In fact, I can't even picture what she looks like anymore. I just feel numb. If one could be dead while still living, this HAS to be what it would feel like. I've never felt so much nothingness before.
So this leaves me in a quandry over my appointment for Thursday. I don't know whether or not I should go. A repeat of Monday's appointment would be a waste of money for me and a waste of time for the both of us. But if I was able to let her back in a little, I'm afraid that would be the result of something big and emotional. I'm not sure I want to risk opening something like that up when I'm looking at missing 3 appointments. Plus, as it stands right now, I don't care that she's going to be gone. I can't believe I'm typing this, but I just don't care one bit. If she's back inside, even a little bit, I know I'd miss her like crazy. But then halfway through I'd lose the connection (b/c I'm so bad at hanging onto it) and be right back where I am now!
What do you think I should do??
Posted by annierose on March 8, 2005, at 19:44:24
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do, posted by Skittles on March 8, 2005, at 19:13:39
Go, without a doubt. And tell her how you are feeling and felt during the last session. It will be hard, but it's important, it's part of the process.
Posted by daisym on March 8, 2005, at 20:12:03
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do, posted by Skittles on March 8, 2005, at 19:13:39
I think you should go too but I totally understand what you are saying. I will sometimes lose that connection and it feels so empty...just like you've described. I hate that, it is worse than missing him and worse than the anxiety. I think I didn't know I was empty before or I kept myself too busy to notice.
But...I'm traveling this week. And I was supposed to talk to my therapist on Monday afternoon. My message was, "I don't want to talk to you because I have myself in a place where I can not miss you and if I talk to you, it will open up again and I will hurt again." He left a message saying he totally understood and he would see me when I got back. Of course, as soon as I heard his voice, the little voices were screaming again. Wow, this is so hard.
But I have found that the sessions that I don't want to go to, that I think will be useless, have often been important for the reconnection part. Especially when I tell him about it. Usually I say, "I can't find you. I can't feel you." And he works with me to make the connection happen. Last time he asked me, "what needs to happen in order for you to find me? What's in the way?" And I had been holding something back that was in the way. So him asking, and me telling, was hard but productive.
Go and try to admit what is going on for you. You have every reason to be afraid she is going to disappear on you, given your current situation. You need to talk it through. Maybe she could call you from wherever she is going to maintain contact.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Posted by littleone on March 8, 2005, at 20:42:35
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do, posted by Skittles on March 8, 2005, at 19:13:39
I know just where you're coming from! Some sessions I cut myself off from my T so much, he's just talking to a brick wall. And all I can think is "I want to go home. I want to go home." And the hour is just torturous, both for me and (I'm pretty sure, although he's never admitted it) my T.
Our card playing has kind of evolved now so that we usually only really play cards if I've written nothing for him or if I'm totally cut off like that. Even though we don't talk therapy stuff when we're playing, I find it is still really helpful. It helps me connect back to him a little. It helps to put the bad stuff away and make his office a bit safer again.
Perhaps you could suggest something like that to your T? It doesn't have to be card playing, it can be anything really that just brings you together and takes the focus off having to talk about stuff.
I think it's much more productive "just playing cards" and strengthening the connection, rather than pounding away at talk stuff and getting nowhere and driving a wedge in between you both.
Although, I've lost count of the number of times I've complained about how wrong it feels to spend $130 to play cards for a while :) I don't even do that at the casino!
Posted by annierose on March 8, 2005, at 22:08:24
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do, posted by daisym on March 8, 2005, at 20:12:03
Daisy -
I love your post --- that you were able to leave that message for your T, so honest --- what a great relationship. Yes, it is such HARD work, but it is so wonderful once we get past all our "stuff". When I have that feeling that I'm losing my connection, I'll sit up again and tell her, "I just need to be sure of you again."
Annierose
This is the end of the thread.
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