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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 54 to 78 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
In reply to I don't know. I'm very angry. (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have a new T to work on with? Will that help?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
I hope it will help. I believe I'm doing the best I can. I know I am. That's all I can do.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
That is good enough. That is all we can do. Many times feeling better is not completely in our hands.. We can only do our best.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
I don't like myself when I am angry. I don't like not loving people. I want to be loving. I want to be kind, open and understanding. This is hurting me and I need to let it go. Let it go. I will never understand because I will never know. Guessing makes me uncertain, and that makes me unhappy. I can't do it anymore. I can't carry the whole burden of guilt anymore, Dr. W. I don't like what you've done. I wish I liked who you are, but I suspect I might not really. That just has to be okay. I suspect you don't like me, and that has to be okay as well.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
In reply to Oh God this hurts so much., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. You are a very very nice person.. you are just going through a difficult time. We all do. Sometimes we behave very badly ourselves, sometimes we end up getting the worst luck in life.. Hang in there. It will get better. You have helped me so much in my struggle, and I am thankful to you for that. You have helped so many people here in babble, I have looked through your posts.
Sometimes it is difficult to get things together in life. It is just the way life is. It is not all the time fair to everyone. All of us have our own share of unfairness and sometimes we mess up big time ourselves in life. All of us have done things we are extremely ashamed of and embarassed about. We just have to do our best to pick ourselves up and go on. I see a beautiful person in you. Anybody who is willing to change and try and learn is a beautiful person. If not now, tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, you will emerge a happy and cheerful person. Hang in there.
> Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
In reply to Re: Oh God this hurts so much., posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
And then I think no, I won't back down on this one, this is not right. What this therapist did was wrong. I know it in my heart, and sometimes I know it in my head, and then I begin to doubt myself again. Am I crazy?
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
In reply to I just feel so bad, so sad, so guilty, so confused, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
Otherwise, why would I have been seeing a therapist? And why would I be posting here at all, or have felt it necessary to dial the same telephone number over and over again, to hear the same voice say the same thing .... is that obsession? It's obsessional certainly. But why? Why does anyone do things like this? Why, somewhere in the deep unconscious, why was it deemed necessary by the mind to behave in this manner? To fill the need in this way, with this voice, at this time, from this person. What is the connecting process, what area of the brain made the decision that this was going to be a need, not a desire... what part of myself needs this acted out in this way, this very public yet lonely forum, and oh my god Susan you are so full of sh*t.
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
In reply to Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
you're just grieving, and that's perfectly natural and not crazy at all.
If you do a web seach on the stages of grief, you will see what I mean. Grief is about all sorts of deaths, including the death of a hope or a dream of "what might have been".
You are not crazy at all.
Big kisses and big hugs,
sunny10
Posted by 10derHeart on February 17, 2005, at 12:47:59
In reply to Re: not full of sh*t » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
Susan,
I totally agree with sunny. You are not "crazy", whatever that bizarre, vague and sometimes creepy word even means ANYWAY!! She has a good point about the stages of grief. I am there also, and new T. tells me regularly it's quite normal and human, and he'd be dismayed if I didn't feel all these things, and most importantly, ALLOW myself to feel them intensely.
Keep on venting woman, what better place....?
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 13:34:55
In reply to Re: not full of sh*t, posted by 10derHeart on February 17, 2005, at 12:47:59
maybe she'll listen to you....
(wink wink nudge nudge, Susan!!!!!!!)
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
In reply to Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
Hi Susan,
From what I understood from your posts, you are conflicted so much - between holding your therapist in a pedestal and at the same time realizing that he did a horrible mistake with you.
I think you probably have a need to hold him in high regards and want to, yet at the same time cannot get over the feeilng that he did something really wrong with you..and you seem to swing between the two ends - think of him highly on one end and on the other end realizing he made such a big mistake and get confused yourself.
Maybe you should try to look at things from a more realistic perspective... that might help. Nobody in this world is either completely good or completely bad. Everybody is in a range from 0 - 100 on this scale, and that too everybody is not on a fixed level all the time. Sometimes we are close to 0 when we end up doing really horrible things and sometimes we are close to 100 when we go out of the way to reach out and help others and carry them through.
You therapist is probably swinging between these scales himself.. sometimes he does horrible things in life himself. And sometimes he probably does extraordinarily good things. Maybe he did something really bad with you, but maybe he has done something extremely good with other patients. Don't try to judge him too much, that would not help you move past this anger and hurt. Maybe you have difficulty accepting that he might have a dark side in life himself and going through his own struggles and disappointments and frustrations in life.I am not sure if my post brings you relief, I am trying to say what I can understand to my best. IF it helps you, take it for what it is worth. If it doesn't, leave it.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
Everything you say helps, pinkeye.
I'm having a very very bad day. I have an exam tonight and I'm panicked, I can't think straight, I don't know why I can't get it together, I'm lonely and sad and feeling very very abandoned by the world, my new T is unavailable, I don't want to see the counsellor because he wasn't helping, I can't talk to my friends in this mood because I really dont' want to talk about myself but it's me that's the problem, I need to be seeing a therapist, that's why I post so much, i'm trying so hard to help myself and i'm just being a fool, everything I say is crap i'm so open and i think people probably laugh at me because of it but I can't help it because can't you all see i'm trying to work this through, I'm trying to help myself and work this out. God I wish i could start therapy all over again with someone who wasn't scared of me, someone who had all his issues worked out and could walk the walk with me and make me stay on the path, not let me veer away when i got scared.
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 14:54:58
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
don't let the emotional side "win"... you go to that test and blow 'em away !!
I know you can do it!!!
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:19:11
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
Can you try taking one step at a time? Make up your mind to deal with one issue only today, telling yourself that you will deal with the rest of the issues tomorrow. That helps me get through difficult times when there are too many issues that I am trying to solve and can't seem to start anywhere. Write down somewhere what things you need to sort out in your life now, then figure out what needs the most urgent attention today. IF you have an exam, just do that alone today and promise yourself that after this exam gets done, you will look into the other issues in life. Trying to attemtp to solve too many issues at one shot usually leaves us nowhere and we feel overwhelemed. Take little little steps and slowly everything will fall into place.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:34:08
In reply to Re: You are smart » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 14:54:58
Oh Sunny, it used to be that easy for me. It just isn't anymore. :(
And the irony of it all is that when it WAS easy for me, I was too insecure to notice. I never realized that I never had to study for anything seriously, because I never took anything seriously.
Now that I do, I've lost the ability to concentrate; in fact, I honestly know that I never did have it. But it's worse now. Much worse.
I have a friend who does things like I do. I mean, she's always losing things and leaving things behind, forgetting what she was doing just now, that sort of thing. She's the first person I ever met in real life who's like me. And she sees faeries, real ones. Oh dear oh god.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:36:12
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:19:11
SORT? Did you say Sort? "Sort"... like, as in, identify and categorize? HAHAHahahahahaha.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:42:12
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
The exam. Yes, the biggie. And I would be in much better shape to study for that baby if I hadn't had those two puffs just now, and the bit of green cookie. But my spirits have un-flagged, unfurled themselves, shall we say.
But your post, Pinkeye, I printed it out. I love your advice and I'm going to take it. As soon as my head stops spinning and I stop wanting to close my eyes and oh yes that rock that's between my shoulder blades, the one that's been there for a week, the pain in my shoulders that is un-easable, the one that gave me a two-day headache last week and threatens to overwhelm me again ever since, that, what do I do about that? I have to see a massage therapist but I don't have the energy to pick up the phone, I'm afraid to talk to anyone lest they see my real spiritual condition reflected there, somewhere, in my words.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:43:14
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:42:12
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:55:20
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:42:12
How old are you? And what do you do? What exam do you have today? I see from your other post that you are trying to find a job? Why don't you make up your mind to do well on this exam? Will it help you in your search for a job?
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 16:22:54
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:55:20
Turn your babblemail on and I'll tell you.
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 16:38:25
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 16:22:54
I don't know how to turn on my babble mail becuase I forgot my password. But you can send me an email at [email protected]
Posted by HoldenYosarian on February 21, 2005, at 1:01:35
In reply to Oh God this hurts so much., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
> Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Hi susan, I'm new to babble, but after reading this post, I was struck not only by the obvious and nearly complete desperation and hopeless betrayed by your complete and fundamental rejection of yourself as a valid human being---and at the same time struck by your willingness to just be honest about your feelings, however disjointed they may seem to someone not familiar with your situation. That's why I took the time to go back and read your previous posts.
I know we all go through relatively brief periods of desperation and self-loating, and I'm hoping that the above post represented nothing more than that--a transitory if overwhelming misery that dissipated, or at least lessened, shortly thereafter. I know I've lived in that same state for long periods of time---and I just want you to know that there's somwone out here who feels for you, who can empathize...and someone who can tell you, as well, that however all-encompassing those feelings are now, they don't represent reality. Feelings aren't reality. We have to learn to differentiate between the two, however overpowering those feelings may be, and their isolated justification may seem, at the time.
Reading your post, I clearly got the impression of someone thoughtful, sensitive, caring, intelligent, and most importantly, willing to open up about her feelings, however unappealing to others those feelings might normally seem.
For that's the key to progress, to eventual success. If you can't share what's really going on inside you then you'll never get better---and most likely worse. The fact that you're able to is a sign that you're a) brave b)dedicated to self-improvement and changing the quality of your life and c) encouraging,supportive and caring. Of course, you/I can't appreciate those things during those dark recessed moments in which the world seems to be closing in and we feel as though there's a bull's on our forehead. The mere fact that you feel guilt and hate yourself for your perceived inadequacy is proof of your merit...truly terrible individuals don't feel guilt, or question their motives or actions.
I can sympathize with you regarding your therapist. I've been through countless pdocs only to be dissapointed--disgusted, really, by all but one. And He ended up dissapointing me too. The thing I think it's important to remember is that the therapeutic relationship is one of practical application: two people using eachother. Do you think yout T would be hanging out with you if you weren't paying him/her by the hour. I think not. And by the same token, you would never have met this person had you not come seeking help for specific problems. It's a matter of a mutually agreed upon symbiotic relationship--nothing more. And if it becomes something more, you have an irresponsible pdoc, to say the least. Unfortunately, there seem to be more of those than responsible, competent ones, at least in my experience. There's something about having control of another person (the client/patient), dependency even--that attracts to the profession those hungry for power, and attracted by the lack of professional responsibility (he can always just claim you were crazy before if he screws you up, and who do you think the "board" would believe?)
So I honestly believe that the very manner of practice of therapy as it's developed is most likely to draw the worst kind of people. Of course, there are those who truly care, and are dedicated to serving their patients---but when you find one, let me know.
Keep moving. There are other fish in the sea. You can't let life become based around a stagnant, viciously cycling thought pattern which is based around some other individual over whom you have no control. If it helps, send him a nasty card. Then start shopping for another Therapist--and remember caveat emptor
Posted by HoldenYosarian on February 21, 2005, at 1:05:06
In reply to I just feel so bad, so sad, so guilty, so confused, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
> And then I think no, I won't back down on this one, this is not right. What this therapist did was wrong. I know it in my heart, and sometimes I know it in my head, and then I begin to doubt myself again. Am I crazy?
Susan, by the way, it's not a matter of "backing down". Even giving him that stature in your life is a waste of energy. He's simply irrelevant. It's you who's important, and who you need to begin looking out for.
Just some friendly advice
HoldenYosarian
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 11:59:42
In reply to Re: I just feel so bad, so sad, so guilty, so conf, posted by HoldenYosarian on February 21, 2005, at 1:05:06
Thank you for your words. I'm printing off your first post to me. It has valuable advice, understanding I badly needed, and empathy for my very human condition. Thank you so very much.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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