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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:31:09
It feels like I shouldn't be alive without him somewhere nearby, I missed his presence so much earlier tonight. Then suddenly, I felt comforted. Used to be the only thing that would comfort me is (a) the ability to conjure his presence in face, voice, and thought or (b) phoning to hear The Voice - but the voice also gave me anxiety, and the act of phoning itself, anxiety-provoking. So phoning is never a good choice, but sometimes the most immediate relief, it's a short-term solution with a high price.
Now I haven't exactly conjured him as usual, but I am feeling comforted in any case .. maybe it's the party I was at. Maybe it's the one, two puffs I had. Exactly two.
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:36:00
In reply to I Miss Him So Much, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:31:09
ANd my girlfriend has a beautiful new mate, an SO, who looks like a beautiful version of my first husband, and he and her are so in love and loving each other, longing and gentle kindness, fearless, considerate and caring lust. And he shook my hand and he smiled deeply, deeply into my eyes, and he was lovely.
Posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 0:15:22
In reply to I Miss Him So Much, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:31:09
Susan, I only suggest this because I feel like I'm beginning to know you and care about you. Even if I am off base here, I hope you will consider this. I smoke marijuana on occasion for fun and when i was younger I smoked more often. I know the effects it had on me and though it has differing effects on people, it almost universally affects someone's emotions. Optimally we need a balance of our rational selves and our emotional selves. They serve as a sort of check and balance of each other. Reefer, I think you would agree, pretty much tips the scale to the emotional side of things. Lately, I have been reading posts in which you admit to being high and you seem to me to be less rational about the painful losses in your life. I may be wrong, but with a clearer head, you may find that you do not have as big a whole in your self-worth as you feel when high. If you think I am a patonizing @ss by writing this, I am sorry for missing the boat. My experience though is that pot is a better recreational drug than it is a medicine.
Toph
Posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 9:00:54
In reply to I Miss Him So Much, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:31:09
Hi Susan,
I can hear in your posts about your ex-T how painful this has been for you. Forgive me for not remembering, but do you have a new T? I do think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone about your feelings about your ex-T if they care causing you such distress.Forgive me if I am mis-interpreting something here. It's sad for me to see you in pain.
Please take care,
gg
Posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:26:10
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 0:15:22
You are absolutely, one hundred percent positively correct Toph. And my efforts to cut back are sporadic and ineffective because not only does reefer make me more emotional but those emotions are hopeful ones. I need to become reliant on what's inside me, I need to feel hope without mj...
Posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:31:03
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much » Susan47, posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 9:00:54
I'm reading "Love's Executioner" and of course it's resonating big-time, it's confirming what I already know .. that I've blended my identity with my ex-t because I can't find my own right now.
Truth is, I never had my own. Was uncertain where it lay. Whatever the reasons, I know this is something that immediately needs to be discussed when I see K on Wednesday, it can't wait at all. It's the first issue, before any sadness of any other sort gets addressed, this has to be worked on. It's something I've always done, running to something or someone rather than being with myself. The reason I've allowed myself to be so incredibly open and honest both with people on the boards and with my ex-therapist himself, is that I no longer want to hide my dependent feelings of love. I want to explore them fully so that I can correct them. I need to live MY life. I know I have one.
Posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:53:08
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much » gardenergirl, posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:31:03
I've actually made an Effort, (can you believe it? It's true!) I've made an effort and quite a concerted one at that, to keep my feelings of love going and going strongly until I can analyze it somewhat with my new therapist. I've kept those feelings going because as I told my ex-T C, I'm not going through this again with anyone else. The whys and wherefores of these feelings need to be explored and resolved.
Posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 11:09:43
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much » Toph, posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:26:10
> You are absolutely, one hundred percent positively correct Toph. And my efforts to cut back are sporadic and ineffective because not only does reefer make me more emotional but those emotions are hopeful ones. I need to become reliant on what's inside me, I need to feel hope without mj...
Whew, that was a close one. I think I would be pissed as hell if some hypocritical pot-head told me how I should cope...
Posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 15:10:35
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 11:09:43
>
> Whew, that was a close one. I think I would be pissed as hell if some hypocritical pot-head told me how I should cope...I was refering to myself Bob. I can't remember whether or not we can disparage ourselves. Sorry Toph
Posted by mair on February 12, 2005, at 15:55:44
In reply to In Fact, GG, I've Worked to Keep it Going, posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 9:53:08
> I've actually made an Effort, (can you believe it? It's true!) I've made an effort and quite a concerted one at that, to keep my feelings of love going and going strongly until I can analyze it somewhat with my new therapist. I've kept those feelings going because as I told my ex-T C, I'm not going through this again with anyone else. The whys and wherefores of these feelings need to be explored and resolved.
>
Susan - I think that's so incredibly brave. I hope you're new T can help you with this. I had nothing as awful as your experience; not even close - but I was inadvertently hurt by some things my ex pdoc/T said and wrote after we stopped working together and my current T has really been helpful with processing those. The hurt doesn't totally go away and it comes back at the oddest times. She's been pretty much willing to talk about it whenever I want to - we just go over all the old ground for the umpteenth time and somehow it helps to tide me over until I remember something else that stung.The best thing she's done is point out where she thought he screwed up. She's been able to do this while acknowledging his very good traits. I think I don't feel as responsible as I used to for the aspects of therapy with him that didn't work.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on February 12, 2005, at 17:50:50
In reply to Re: ^^I Miss Him So Much^^, posted by Toph on February 12, 2005, at 15:10:35
If we lose the ability to disparage ourselves, I don't know what I'd do. :)
Posted by 64bowtie on February 14, 2005, at 0:25:52
In reply to Gosh, I hope so » Toph, posted by Dinah on February 12, 2005, at 17:50:50
...is our inalienable right here, and a protected behavior here at Babble!
Rod
Posted by Dinah on February 14, 2005, at 3:19:22
In reply to (((Dinah))) ....self-deprecation, posted by 64bowtie on February 14, 2005, at 0:25:52
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:44
In reply to :-) (nm) » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on February 14, 2005, at 3:19:22
So I've been keeping the feelings for this love obsession going, trying to remember why I felt the way I did, trying to remember, period. New Therapist, K, who broke her ankle last week, called again tonight. She called twice, actually, and forgot that she'd talked to me last week as well. She was a bit rambly, I think she's like that anyway (her messages are about two minutes long, I'm the only other person I know who does that, it's weird and really annoying I will never ramble again). Anyway, she doesn't really sound with it tonight, she's sounding a bit confused. She's lovely, she had a 15 minutes or so talk with me, I didn't really understand why she talked so much but I suspect it's really her personality. I like her, and feel very comfortable with her. Hmh. Wonders. Will they never cease. And here's where the silent virtual scream comes in. How will I manage for two weeks without the release of working forward?
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 1:02:03
In reply to New Therapist, She's Still Sick now what?, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:44
How can anybody keep feelings for a love obsession "going"? So what did I think I was trying to do? Okay, stop a second this is ridiculous. Keep the feelings going. No. They don't need any help. They only happen when you think about him or see him, so the thing is you've been doing really a lot better just thinking about yourself, how you like yourself and how exciting you, Susan, really are. You're not the smartest in the bunch but you're not the dumbest either, you're a bit naive and I guess that's all right. One thing you definitely are is honest even when you know you've been dishonest.. you always recognize it, eventually. Even though sometimes you fool yourself. I think most people do, really, actually. And you can live with yourself, and you value your friends, and you're pretty much not afraid or intimidated by anybody anymore. Not really. I think actually you are able to see through people quite a bit. Sometimes that's really hard for you because you think you might be wrong, and being wrong makes it really hard to trust yourself again. But you know, you just have to keep pluggin' away at it, day after day, and hopefully each day gets a little bit better than the last.
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 9:37:44
In reply to Okay that was really stupid, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 1:02:03
Shower, moisturizer, Clarins Eau Tranquility ... a trip to Chinatown with my son's class .. let's see, study for exam on Thursday, Lab and Diagnostic Orders. Oh man, why oh why do I feel like I need The Voice, I have to calm down and help myself here.
Posted by sunny10 on February 15, 2005, at 11:21:35
In reply to It's a New Day, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 9:37:44
you don't need The Voice, you have a better, smarter, one in your previous post !!!!!
By the way, one thing that occurred to me about K's voice messages is that they probably gave her pain pills. That would account for the rambling AND not remembering that she had already left you a previous message...
Then again, she could be a sweet, caring, scatterbrain like me... who knows??!?!
(mwuh)
sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 16:48:58
In reply to Re: It's a New Day, posted by sunny10 on February 15, 2005, at 11:21:35
No, I believe the former, Sunny. She's confusedly Not Herself. It's understandable that someone who does what she does, has a client load plus attends in-depth learning conferences, would be a bit confused at times. I don't know if she publishes too, I should find out. I've never really spent any time at her website, I should probably do that too. But I kind of feel like an actor rehearsing for a play - don't taint yourself with preconceived notions. Be pure.
Oh, and an hour in the sunlight on my daughter C's bed, two tokes and a couple of listens later, and I'm floating on air, so very very happy, calm, peaceful .. in a state of comforted loving infant-hood that's hard to describe, lovely to live, and frightening to lose.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:45:48
In reply to Re: I Miss Him So Much, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 23:36:00
He and her. Oh, hilarious. Susan you are funny. Now isn't that supposed to be "she", or maybe, "they"? Who knows? My grammar is just atrocious. Atrocious. A-tro-cious. What a word.
This is the end of the thread.
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