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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
Well, I've been whining for months here that I don't like my T anymore, I don't trust her anymore, I didn't like it that she moved, etc. etc. I know that these feelings were based on my mother but I didn't see how these current feelings transferred over to my T.
I have been very unhappy with her since I had that accident in Sept., so it has been many months we've been wading through this. I was very frustrated. She, as usual, was as calm as could be. Last week I emailed her before my session that despite what she said, I didn't believe she actually cared about me, and how she meant nothing to me, that I had just "dismissed" her from my life, much as I had dismissed my mother when I realized she wasn't going to help or protect me.
In session, my T wondered out loud what had happened, how did her moving change everything (I had a dream last week that I went back to her old house to get my innocence back--it hadn't moved w/her). So she was wondering and I said I'd think about it.
That was Thursday morning. On Friday morning I had it figured out--and it was under my nose all the time.
When I was 4 1/2 my family moved into a new house and neighborhood. We had been living in the country (and my mother didn't drive) so were quite isolated. At the new house there was a neighborhood w/lots of kids and a big enough house to accomodate us all.I remember it was quite exciting at the time. My mother was going to have another baby, too. We lived in this house for my most formative years (the ones that molded and shaped me to become who I am). ONly bad things happened, really. My mother pulled away and was consumed by the new baby who was very sick for the first year or two. My father took charge of me because she asked him to pay attention to me and my brother. The abuse started. Everything happened during those years. My life was pretty much completely molded by the time I was 9, when my father left, and at 12 when we finally moved out. (It's amazing how such a short period of time can have such a devastating effect that it has taken me 30+ years to work on it!)
So when we moved, my mother became more innaccessible and even less protective of me. I wrote her off, then, knowing that she wasn't ever going to be there for me. So when my T moved, I wrote her off, too, as a defense mechanism.
But I put the pieces together and now i understand why I've shut my T off. But now I don't have to--she isn't going to leave and abandon me like my mother. She's going to make it through w/me.
Sorry for being so long, but this was really important to me, to understand why my feelings had changed for her such much. Now I don't have to dismiss her, because she is not my mother and she will help me through.
I guess I was so concentrated on the details that I missed the big picture, the simple pieces that go together.
I have felt tremendous relief since Friday. It was a big step for me. Now if I could only grab the memories...
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2005, at 15:55:42
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
What a great insight! I'm so happy for you. Isn't it amazing when these things come to you as if they are so easy and obvious? But it really took tons of work leading up to it, IMO, to get you ready to figure it out.
I hope the relief from this lasts a good long while.
congratulations!
gg
Posted by Daisym on January 26, 2005, at 16:05:41
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
I'm really amazed at how all that fits together but it surely does. You might believe that it was just under your nose but even if you'd been made aware of the connection, you needed the proof of the last few months to cement that your therapist is still with you, even if she moved.
You are working so hard. I'm glad you found some relief and can move back to being closer to your therapist. All of that must have been so hard for you to say and feel...and hard for her to hear. She sounds super calm and steady. Lucky you.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 17:37:22
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
I love those moments! Too few of them with so much slogging in between. :)
Posted by Shortelise on January 26, 2005, at 18:21:49
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
I have done a lot of whining about transference, but it's true that it often does work, isn't it?
Antigua, good for you that you've brought yourself to a place where you can see these things.
ShortE
Posted by fallsfall on January 26, 2005, at 19:58:41
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
Wonderful.
Those moments take so much work and agony and time to get to, but they are great when they finally make sense.
Pat yourself on the back for sticking with it.
Posted by antigua on January 27, 2005, at 9:19:17
In reply to Re: A breakthrough for me » antigua, posted by fallsfall on January 26, 2005, at 19:58:41
I feel validated!! Now all I have to do is get through her vacation w/o falling apart. I was so anxious about her being gone today that I messed up my appt time. I haven't done that in years, but it tells me something important as well.
I think I'm going to give her something of my own to keep safe while she's gone. That way it will reinforce that she's coming back. I've never done this before, but it feels right.
Thanks for all of your support. If I can be helpful, please let me know.
best,
antigua
Posted by littleone on January 31, 2005, at 14:29:04
In reply to A breakthrough for me, posted by antigua on January 26, 2005, at 15:30:31
I love those lightbulb moments :)
Sometimes I think about how funny it is that the unconscious knows exactly when to reveal things to you. I kind of picture it as an army general finally getting the orders to move in. I'm glad you were ready to see it's message.
Sending you warm wishes.
This is the end of the thread.
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