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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by gardenergirl on January 9, 2005, at 21:14:48
In reply to Re: i want to die. » gardenergirl, posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 20:56:33
Well, I'm not sure you want to hear this, but a psychologist once told me that when you are depressed, you don't have the luxury of doing what you want to do. You have to make yourself do stuff. And take a risk. That's about the hardest thing to do when you are depressed. But you took a risk to post here. Can you take another one and tell someone in real life?
gg
Posted by mair on January 9, 2005, at 21:40:23
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by gardenergirl on January 9, 2005, at 21:14:48
> Well, I'm not sure you want to hear this, but a psychologist once told me that when you are depressed, you don't have the luxury of doing what you want to do. You have to make yourself do stuff.
I love the way you've said this. I've never thought of things this way, but it's just so true.Mair
Posted by mair on January 9, 2005, at 21:45:00
In reply to i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 19:45:24
Please remember that when you're most depressed, things become so distorted. You have to learn to trust that those worst feelings will go away, even if they seem so permanent.
A psychobabble friend of mine once observed that the decision to commit suicide is quite literally the most important decision you could ever make in a lifetime, and therefore, should never be made impulsively or rashly.
At least give yourself the chance that you will feel differently, and remember that there's always people here who want to help.
Mair
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 9, 2005, at 21:57:07
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 21:12:19
I really hate to see people suffer and I know the feeling of having no hope and feeling there is no other way out.
But things really do change eventually, i never believed it but they really do. it isn't always going to be like this. This is something that took me a long time to learn and i hope you can find a little hope from it. i used to get so angry with people for saying that to me. they probably didn't know it to be true but rather it sounded good, but i know it can be true! Take advantage of the help that is available, it can be very useful. It may not be a right fit right away but at some point something/someone will click and it makes all the difference in the world. You really need to reach out, even if it is going to a hospital which I know is an awful feeling to have to givein to but if it will help you, do it.
You also btw have every right in the world to be angry. It doesn't matter what the problem is, they are your feelings and you are allowed to feel them and experience them.
and about being a mean person- we all can be mean, but i highly doubt you are a mean person. even if you are, it still gives you the right to hold your feelings and not be judjed by you or anyone else.
I am sorry i kindof got sied tracked but i think it is important for you to know that the most important person for you to be concerned with right now is YOU. in fact it should be a priority in general to take care of your self. I still struggle with what i wrote but when you start caring for yourself it changes many things. do something nice for yourself tonight, and if you are feeling unsafe go to a hospital- even just to talk to soemone.
Im thinking of you and sending you a big hug. i hope this was helpful.
take care
rain
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 9, 2005, at 21:59:17
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by mair on January 9, 2005, at 21:45:00
>the decision to commit suicide is quite literally the most important decision you could ever make in a lifetime, and therefore, should never be made impulsively or rashly.
this is a really good peice of advice! I will remember this.
Posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 9, 2005, at 21:57:07
i read all your posts. i really can't think right now. i'm going numb but my head is still spinning.
and i'm too scared to go anywhere or call anyone, not to mention embarassed. i know i should. part of me thinks i'll just be rejected more. i don't think people really care. well, even if they did, it doesn't matter if i don't.
i want somoene to hurt me somehow if that makes sense, so i dont have to. i need to be hurt b/c everything hurts and it only makes sense that it hurts b/c i need to be punished.
i sound like a weirdo probably. d@mn.
Posted by anastasia56 on January 9, 2005, at 23:37:23
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
embarrassment isn't a good reason to keep from talking to someone. embarrasment has kept me from asking for the change a clerk shorted me, or other things that were rightfully mine...and now when i look back on all the times i was shortchanged because i was too embarrased, well you see what i mean. Of all things, you have a right to ask for help and not be embarrassed.
as far as you being a mean person not deserving of help. Nope. I really don't like people that much and time and time again they come out of the woodwork to help me when i need it. So if a non-deserving person like me gets help, you have a right to that too. Think of all the people out there taking up a decent therapists time when it could be you.
this therapist you really liked. What happened to her when she graduated? did she open her own practice? Is she around there anywhere? She probably has a phone and if she knew you just needed her to help you over a rough period and not get married or anything she might help you. What do you have to lose? All she can do is say no and let's face it you can't feel much worse than you do now.
Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
No, it doesn't sound weird at all. I have felt that I was bad (evil) and needed to be punished. But slowly (painfully slowly), people are showing me that I'm *not* bad, and that they *do* care.
I guess I used to say "People like me because they don't know the *real* me". I was sure that if they knew who I really was that they would see my "bad-ness", and reject me. I still fight with this, but I guess that now I am able to see that in general, I'm not "bad" - but there are still specific aspects of myself that still seem "bad" to me. The process has been (and still is) difficult. But I guess it boils down to hearing from other people that one small part of me isn't so awful (for me, this was that I can be a good friend). Eventually, I could sort of see myself that this one small part of me wasn't awful. I can distinctly remember taking inventory of my self and saying "I am a good friend, and an acceptable mother - those are my only good qualities". Over time, my friends and my therapists have been able to help me to see that I do have some good qualities. And as they have accepted me, I have shown some of the more secret parts of myself to a very few, and (much to my surprise) they still like me.
Today I will go to therapy and we will talk about yet another part of me that feels like it is "bad" (I am bad (evil) if I don't understand something). I can see intellectually that not understanding doesn't make me bad, but I feel so strongly inside that it does. So I'm not done yet with my battle to see that I am worthwhile, but I have come a long way. And for a long time I was sure that I could never feel better about myself.
Look honestly at yourself. Is there anything that you do or are that is good or helpful? Maybe you really love your dog, and you can tell that he is so happy when you pat him. Or maybe you can fix some nasty problem at work when noone else can (are you good with copy machines? I really need a person who knows how to make them work...). Maybe you have a flower box outside your window and you make sure that it is always looking pretty. When we are feeling so badly it is hard to see the one part of us that is good, helpful, pleasant, pretty. But please do look. If you still can't see anything, then tell us a little about yourself, maybe we can see something in you that is hard for you to see.
I'm sorry that your therapist had to leave. She didn't leave *you* - she left her position. She didn't leave because of you. You just happened to be hurt by the progression of her life. I'm sorry about that, and I bet that she is sorry about that, too. What did *she* see in you that she liked?
Keep posting, please.
Posted by caraher on January 10, 2005, at 11:11:31
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
> i want somoene to hurt me somehow if that makes sense, so i dont have to. i need to be hurt b/c everything hurts and it only makes sense that it hurts b/c i need to be punished.
> i sound like a weirdo probably. d@mn.I've felt exactly this way myself. You're not a weirdo, you're someone in pain, a pain I've felt too. I don't know you well but I'm sure your life has much more value than you feel right now... it's your disease talking, not reality. We - all of us here, and you and I - share a struggle, and we share your pain and truly care. Please stay safe and don't give in to the lies your illness tells you.
Posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
In reply to i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 19:45:24
If you have plans and want to carry them out, please go to the ER first.
(I totally know how you feel by the way. But your body/brain/meds are failing you in some way and you need people who can help you. If it's more of a passive wish, maybe you are ok not going somewhere, but if you have plans like you say and the means, then I think it is the time to see an ER pdoc etc.)
hang in there.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:02:57
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
i'm pissed off. yesterday i left a message for a new student t person i had seen twice a couple weeks ago and she never called me back today. i would have told her anything yesterday, but now after all day hoping she would call, even if she does call, i just dont think it matters... i just feel like noone will ever be there for me. i am being too needy i know.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:08:01
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
i see what you are saying about trying to find some stuff that you are good at, but i am always furious with myself if i'm not PERFECT at everything. all i see is all that i've messed up. i feel like even if i am good at one small minute thing, that that is rather insignficant, b/c well the majority of me is flawed.. or more like that i have messed up everything.. that i should have been better or known better or acted differently or whatever.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
umm i am too scared to go to the er. i dunno what to expect. does anyone know what it is like?
right now i just feel very very numb and too tired to do anything i guess. not like all of last night. i just know that if one more bad thing goes wrong (like an argument on the phone) i'm gonna go back to that state. cuz right now i just really dont' care.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:02:57
I honestly think this person didn't get the message or is extremely busy. Don't take it personlly. but If you don't hear from her tomorrow morning I would call and leave another message emphasizing the importance and urgency of meeting. I don't think you are being needy, I think it is really unfrtunate she didn't call back. Im really sorry, i know the feeling of waiting for that call that never comes and you depend on it. If you are feeling embarrased for needing someone just make a joke and say it right out- Im feeling so needy I really need someone right now. It clears tha air and i have found it helpful b/c people usually then know how to handle the situation.
I hope you are feeling a little better than last night.
rain
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:16:24
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by caraher on January 10, 2005, at 11:11:31
but i feel like i should be able to deal with everything better. that i'm being stupid by caring. i don't want to be in pain. i think my being hurt is my own fault for not being strong.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
In reply to Re: i want to die. » Joslynn, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
if you feel unsafe you really should go.
thinking about you :)
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
i guess i should say something like that in a message to her... i just feel dumb b/c i feel like i have sort of lost all faith in her, even if not for a really good reason... and if i asked to meet with her now, like say i really need to see someone, i woudl feel even more dumb and embarassed and mad at myself if i show up and don't talk (which is what i tend to do always when i'm uncomfortable). like i lied and don't need to see her.
and if i'm honest with myself, i am really thinking how could she help me anyways? i want something to change now or i am going to have a very hard time trying to make it. and what can a stranger really do for someone in a 50 minute appointment. i know i'm being very cynical, sorry if i'm offending anyone. i'm just not in a good mood.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
nope i have never been.
umm thanks. you and everyone else are being way too nice to me.
> have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
> It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
> if you feel unsafe you really should go.
> thinking about you :)
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:42:51
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
no we aren't everyone cares.
i have gone to er twice so things could be differnet than what i described?
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
i hope this helps
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:33:52
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by anastasia56 on January 9, 2005, at 23:37:23
i thought i had replied to this post, but realized i hadn't...
not asking for change when a clerk screwed up... yeah i do that all the time.. i just say to myself oh well.
they say that my old t isn't liscensed yet, that's why she can't talk to me.. b/c she isn't associated with the clinic anymore cuz she's not a student and not independent either.... not sure i buy it.. but i think i must be super annoying and its in her best interest to stay away anyways. it just really hurts.
> embarrassment isn't a good reason to keep from talking to someone. embarrasment has kept me from asking for the change a clerk shorted me, or other things that were rightfully mine...and now when i look back on all the times i was shortchanged because i was too embarrased, well you see what i mean. Of all things, you have a right to ask for help and not be embarrassed.
>
> as far as you being a mean person not deserving of help. Nope. I really don't like people that much and time and time again they come out of the woodwork to help me when i need it. So if a non-deserving person like me gets help, you have a right to that too. Think of all the people out there taking up a decent therapists time when it could be you.
>
> this therapist you really liked. What happened to her when she graduated? did she open her own practice? Is she around there anywhere? She probably has a phone and if she knew you just needed her to help you over a rough period and not get married or anything she might help you. What do you have to lose? All she can do is say no and let's face it you can't feel much worse than you do now.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
earlier i thought i would try to call again, but now i'm just so mad again at my old t's leaving that i dont want to start anything new and i dont have faith in anything helping anyways... i think i am really just mentally messed up and that it's bad for me to ask her for help.
i appreciate your posting to me though.
> you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
> i hope this helps
Posted by shrinking violet on January 11, 2005, at 16:12:58
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
Having similar feelings as you today, for some unknown reason (ironically, was feeling much better last week; today i'm down again), so I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of constructive advice. Just try to take care of yourself and stay safe. Email me if you need to, and I'll be on AIM.
Hugs to you.sv
Posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
take care, judy
Posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
In reply to how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
i called new one again and left a message and she hasn't called. i'm giving up.
i went to work today and am tryign to ignore everything that i feel although it's hard. thanks for asking though.
> just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
> take care, judy
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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