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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shortelise on July 4, 2004, at 20:56:37
I don't know if I will have the patience to write this out, so if I stop somewhere and trail off, forgive me.
I went into therpay because I was too anxious to work. I work in the film industry, am very specialized so am not needed on many films, had lots of work, but was finding that I was not able to sleep, was feeling terrified in the days before I went on set, vomited and had insomnia the night before. It was awful
It's better now, not perfect, but a lot better. I take less work than I used to, am also offered less work than before as I went three or four years refusing almost every call I got.
I went through the therapeutic process with my shrink (this is not a disrespectful term for thepsychiatrist I see - I've just always called them shrinks and I see no reason not to) discovered that I have an anxiety disorder (and it was a discovery to find out that there was such a thing!), leanred that I have an attachemtn disorder, so getting attached to my shrink was a long, frightening process.
After about two years I began to feel attached to him, and it was ugly, hard work to go through the stuff I went through. I doubt I'm telling anyone here anything they don't already know. Then a year or so ago, I began to feel really better, to have longer periods where I felt well, and now I'd say I'm ready to leave therapy and get on with my life.
Here's the thing: I apparently suffered from some sort of emotional or pyhsical neglect which is why I needed so much this kind and gentle treatment from my shrink. It seems to have worked, I have to say, but at this point, at the end of therapy, he seems to be trying to puch me away. I feel rejected, and uncared for. I feel so hurt and cannot understand how this process can heal an identical hurt from before I can remember by subjecting me to it again.
It's supposed to be about awareness, right? How do I inform my gut? It feels the same to me, I know this pain, I have experienced it in various situations throughout my life. That I understand where it comes from, albeit in a pretty abstract way, does not make it go away. Am I supposed to just live with it, swallow this hurt and go away?
I feel so angry, so hurt. I want to never go back,not go through the termination phase (I've said it before and I'll say it again: it would be very nice if they revised the terminolgy a little!).
This is all stuff I have unsatisfactorily discussed with my psychiatrist.
Please don't feel I am hoping for some nice "sorry you are feeling badly" responses. That's not what I come here for. I appreciate the kindness here.
Oh, and if I have again posted in the wrong place, I think I'm going to have to give up on this forum!!!
Thanks for reading me, and for thinking about this quandry. I just honestly don't know where to go with it.
Shorte
Posted by gardenergirl on July 4, 2004, at 22:19:52
In reply to angry, posted by shortelise on July 4, 2004, at 20:56:37
shortelise,
Ending a therapeutic relationship can be so very hard. I know I cry at the thought of terminating with my T, and that's not even on the front burner. What my T does tell me, whenever I am feeling anything about our relationship, is to talk about it. So I would encourage you to talk as much as you can with your shrink about how this feels to you. Yes, awareness is better than not, but the feelings are still there, and they are still intense. Perhaps, talking through them while experiencing them may help?Good luck, dear. And I think this is the right place for this post, IMO.
gg
Posted by ghost on July 5, 2004, at 9:27:44
In reply to Re: angry » shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on July 4, 2004, at 22:19:52
i'm wondering if he's trying to "push you away" just in that he wants you to see that you don't need him any more. i really don't think it's because he doesn't care any more.
just my $0.02
Posted by lookdownfish on July 5, 2004, at 10:21:52
In reply to angry, posted by shortelise on July 4, 2004, at 20:56:37
I have not been thru a termination myself, but I think that that ending therapy is bound to be somewhat painful, even if you have achieved all you want to. However I don't think it's a good idea to finish like this and just swallow / live with the pain. You need to be comfortable with leaving and talk through it some more.
Understanding where the hurt comes from doesn't make it go away, but it should stop it repeating itself throughout your life. I think therapy is supposed to disconfirm the beliefs you have about yourself that are causing you problems. You have been made to feel not cared for at some stage in your dim and distant past, so that unconscious feeling comes back and replays itself in the present and makes you feel that your shrink doesn't care for you. Becoming aware of the false belief and learning from therapy that you are worthy of being cared for is I think how it's supposed to work.
Clearly this has not worked, if you are feeling so hurt and angry. I would suggest you and he need to talk about this some more. I apologise if this is way off.
What has he actually done to make you feel he's pushing you away? Maybe he really is over eager to tick you off as a success.
Posted by shortelise on July 5, 2004, at 11:39:06
In reply to Re: angry » shortelise, posted by lookdownfish on July 5, 2004, at 10:21:52
Thanks for the ideas
If it's acceptable to push me away as a part of termination then this process is rotten.
I know the ideal is to talk about it all, but I have the feeling that he's plain fed up with me, and wants me gone. He would deny that, and yes, I've felt this earlier in therapy too, and I told him and we talked through it.
Thanks for what you've written. I am working today and will come back to your responses to give more careful attention.
Shorte
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2004, at 21:06:31
In reply to Re: angry, posted by shortelise on July 5, 2004, at 11:39:06
I think this is just one of those things that has to be worked out over and over and over again anew at each phase of therapy. It's hard to tell how much of what you're feeling really is starting with him, how much he might be pushing you to try your wings, and how much of it might be your own fears and perceptions. And if it is him, you have to hash out what's going on, and if it is you, you have to hash out what's going on, and if it's a bit of each of you, you have to hash out what's going on.
I know that every time it seems that I have successfully negotiated a workable therapeutic relationship, the change in the relationship that occurs because of the successful negotiations requires a whole new negotiation. It seems like a neverending process of such deep intimacy as no other relationship in my life. Because, let's face it, most relationships would be utterly destroyed by that level of scrutiny.
But anyway, perhaps you could see this as reassuring in a way. Obviously the termination phase of the therapeutic relationship requires as much struggle as any other phase, and that means it probably won't be any time soon.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 8, 2004, at 20:27:28
In reply to Re: angry » shortelise, posted by Dinah on July 6, 2004, at 21:06:31
It really does sound as though you have gotten a lot of what you hoped for out of your therapy. Still, the termination phase is (naturally) making you feel rejected and angry, which makes me think you should NOT terminate quickly. People can take years to terminate successfully, and it's probably the toughest part of treatment. I'm not near that yet- dread it, too!- but my T. has said that he likes to terminate slowly, and also welcomes people to come back whenever they feel they need to. He said in the beginning that complete termination may be too idealistic a goal for many people, who do much better with some contact indefinitely.
Would this be something worth discussing with your T.? I'm guessing that you'll need a long time to work through the anger leaving is causing you, but it is awfully important, as you want to preserve, and increase, all the gains you've made.
Posted by shortelise on July 9, 2004, at 0:37:10
In reply to Re: angry - shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on July 8, 2004, at 20:27:28
That is of course what I want to hear - that I should not terminate quickly! I have been in therapy for 6 years and now feel rushed.
He says we can take our time, that I could see him less often, once every two weeks instead of once a week, then less often still when it feels right. He is not saying I should rush away, but it feels like he wants me to.
I am so angry. I know I need to talk it through, but I am afraid he will say that I am being self-indulgent or something else horrible and painful to hear. Not that he has ever said anything of the sort... but I fear it anyway.
Thanks Pfin, and others. I am still looking at and thinking about what you have each written.
Shorte
Posted by Dinah on July 9, 2004, at 11:55:06
In reply to Re: angry - shortelise, posted by shortelise on July 9, 2004, at 0:37:10
He won't, you know. Not after so long of being a good and compassionate therapist. He'll understand.
I suspect you'll feel a lot better about all of it when you disclose your hidden fears to him. I always do. Well very nearly always, anyway.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 9, 2004, at 21:15:11
In reply to Re: angry - shortelise, posted by shortelise on July 9, 2004, at 0:37:10
I'd really like to hear how this all works out for you, and what sort of reaction you get when (not *if*!) you tell him how you are feeling. Even though terminations are tough, and do involve a huge loss for us all, I do believe that it's possible to do it in such a way that you *take him with you* in your heart and mind. That way, you don't lose any of the gains you've made. I think feeling *pushed* is horrible, especially after having had such a good experience with him. What about, in addition to telling him how angry you are, you ask if YOU can be the one to initiate lessening the frequency of sessions, as you feel ready- not before?
Posted by shortelise on July 9, 2004, at 21:30:18
In reply to Re: angry - shortelise » shortelise, posted by Dinah on July 9, 2004, at 11:55:06
It was I who brought up termination last fall, at which time he thought it was a little premature, but for the past few months he's agreed that it's time.
I guess I can't get around the pain, not with anger, not with any kind of "avoidance" (that term sounds like I'm jumping out of the way of a truck). I don't want to face this. He offered me understanding and compassion that I get no where else in my life, not from friends or husband.
Is the role that a therapist plays one that cannot be duplicated? Is compassionate caring something one only gets from a therapist? Is it just me or does that really STINK?
He's away right now so I've got another week or so before I see him. I am often angry after sessions but I tend to get over it pretty quickly. This time my feelings have remained as acute as they were when I saw him last.
The worse part is I am again feeling very ugly, and can't imagine that he would care about me at all, can't imagine that he he would have any wish but to see me leave asap.
I will talk with him about all of this. I just wish I didn't feel so damn stupid.
Thanks
Shorte
Posted by steelmagnolia25 on July 10, 2004, at 18:59:06
In reply to Re: angry - shortelise, posted by shortelise on July 9, 2004, at 21:30:18
Shortelise,
I hope that things work out for you when he returns. I support you 100% in talking to him about your fear and suspiciion that he is pushing you away. I dealt with very similar feelings with my T and I feel like things wouldn't have gotten so complicated if I'd told him the truth. There were times when he would say to me, "If there's a week when you don't feel like coming in, you are always free to call and cancel your appointment." I hated when he said that because I would *interpret* it to mean, "I wish you weren't so consistent and would cancel sometime." I even feared he would cancel my appointments! Big leap, I know, but that's just my fear speaking.
If you read my earlier thread, you might know that my T and I just went through a strange and premature termination. When I went to see him a few days ago I finally expressed a lot of those fears and the anger I felt toward him for suggesting the termination. He handled it so much better than I thought he would. It sounds like you and your T have done some really good long-term work, so he can probably handle it as well.
Take care...
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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