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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 12:06:40
Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this - I'm not exactly sure. I just registered here today, though I've been browsing for a few months.
I've been seeing my psychiatrist for about six months now, and since I've been feeling much better lately, we've been talking more about my parents. I don't understand why it should hurt so much and leave me feeling very needy and lonely, because they really haven't done anything wrong, but it does. The effect is made worse by my graduation - many of my teachers were very supportive and meant a lot to me. Now that exams are over and I have nothing to distract myself with, I'm feeling very unstable because I'm not going to see them very much anymore.
I also realized that because of my heavy courseload next year, I may not be able to see my psychiatrist (I am trying to fix this by taking the program over three years instead of two, however.) I'm fairly attached to him and even the possibility of not being able to see him in the fall is terrifying. I saw him yesterday, and in the middle of all this I found out that he can't see me next week, probably can't the next week (I have an appointment set, but he's on call that week and it will only be honoured if it's a slower day in the ER) and I have a tricky schedule for the two weeks after THAT, so I may not be able to see him then. I've been very stressed about this for some reason, to the point of not being able to sleep and being sick to my stomach. I called him this morning to try and schedule something for the last two weeks, but he hasn't called back yet, and if I don't hear from him today, it won't be until next Wednesday or maybe even two weeks from now. I can't stand waiting like this - the last time I called him, I was in a crisis and he didn't call back until the next week (left my phone number at the clinic and only works there Wednesday 'til Friday), so what chance do I have of hearing from him promptly this time?
I just don't know how to handle all of this uncertainty right now. I don't know how to handle the uncertainty now, not knowing whether I'm going to see him in two weeks or three or four, etc. or whether I can trust him to call back if I start feeling much worse. I also don't know how to handle the uncertainty about this fall - how can I possibly go and talk to him as though things are the same when I really want to cling to his office door and refuse to move until he agrees to work around my college schedule? He's been a great psychiatrist thus far (aside from being even more scatterbrained than I am!) and I don't want to give up if I don't have to, but if he doesn't call back I'm severely tempted to just stop showing up like I did with my old psychiatrist, even though I know that won't be helpful. (Though she was a bit of a different story... said very little after the initial session, even if I outright asked her a question, and never believed me when I said I was having trouble with med side effects.)
Any thoughts? I know that my problems are relatively minor, but they bother me a lot all the same and I can't figure out why or what to do about it. I apologize for the rambling - I'm sure there's a way to say this all in a concise manner, but I can't seem to find it right now.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:14:31
In reply to Dealing with uncertainty?, posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 12:06:40
first of all: welcome! i hope you find a home here.
second of all: don't apologize. i've never met a better, greater group of understanding folks as i have here on babble. there's never a need to apologize.
i don't have any words of wisdom, i'm sorry to say. i didn't adjust well to changes in my life... when i graduated hs, i threw myself into planning a wedding (that soon failed) so i didn't have to deal with the change of graduation. when my marriage failed, i had a breakdown (non hospitalized). when i graduated college, i threw myself into starting grad school... that's when things spiralled down. i admire you for taking responsibility for your feelings and making an effort to seek help for yourself. that's far more admirable than running like i did.
perhaps you can start seeing someone at your new school? while you're seeing your current doc? you can ease into a new therapist (try them out) while still seeing your old one as much as possible. and remember that if you're in crisis to call for emergency help, and don't wait for your doc to return a call. what do you think could help you get through these next few weeks without him? is there somethint special that helps you deal with your feelings? is there a way you can pass the time?
Posted by rockymtnhi on June 18, 2004, at 12:30:41
In reply to Dealing with uncertainty?, posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 12:06:40
It's nice to meet you.
I appreciate how much you value your pdoc. However, I think you need to be followed by someone who is more dependable. I think it is terrible that it takes so long for your pdoc to call you back and worse, that it takes so much advance notice to get an appt. Is there a counselling center at your school where you could be seen at? If so, you could still see your pdoc when he was available. My vote is still for you to find someone who can be more supportive of you while you are handling a busy schedule.
It sounds like you need support so I hope that you are able to find a way to get it on a consistent basis.
BTW, your problems are not minor. Just curious, are you one to take care of other people and sacrifice your own needs?
Take care.
Posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 13:14:59
In reply to Re: Dealing with uncertainty?, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:14:31
Thank you for the welcome and kind words. I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time with the changes in your life.
I think that I could probably see someone at my school. I don't prefer it, but since I don't have the means to pay for therapy, I think it's my only option. I didn't call for emergency help that time because, while I was at school, I could stay at the guidance office all day and I assumed that my pdoc would call back before I had to leave. I'm not sure what could help get me through these next few weeks - though I am definitely giving the few people I trust enough at church the heads-up as to what's going on in case I really can't cope and need someone to help me seek whatever help is necessary at the time. I usually don't cope in very smart ways, unfortunately, but I remember a time when writing helped me vent and feel much calmer, so I think I'll try that. As for passing the time, I have a hideous amont of books piling up on my reading list, so that might work.
Posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 13:29:17
In reply to Re: Dealing with uncertainty?, posted by rockymtnhi on June 18, 2004, at 12:30:41
It's nice to meet you, too.
I think that I need to clarify a few things in this case. A lot of the problems come from the fact that he's only at the clinic for the second half of the week. I really don't know where he works the rest of the time, though I probably should ask and find out how I can get in touch with him early on in the week. I don't know whether I can expect him to call back today because I'll be busy from 3 PM onward, and he tends to return calls at the end of the day/on his way home. The advance notice is only necessary because of my schedule - for the first week, I'm working at a day camp and need to let people know when I'll be gone so that arrangements can be made, and the second week I'm getting my wisdom teeth out and obviously can't have an appointment immediately after that. Plus I know I would feel so much better if I knew when I was going to see him again.
Anyway, there is a counseling centre at the school I'll be attending in the fall, so I'll definitely look into that. I have to, anyway, to make sure the school knows what's going on with me. (I don't know what difference it'll make at the college level, but any little bit will be a great help. SAD and school are an icky combination.) Hopefully things will settle down with my pdoc before then - apart from taking vacations and being on call a lot, he's usually very supportive and willing to arrange appointments under less-than-ideal circumstances. We just need to figure out something about coordinating phone calls, I guess, because that has consistently been a problem.
I don't really see myself as sacrificing my own needs and taking care of others. Unfortunately, when it comes to providing support I'm often very clueless. I know I've caught myself doing it a few times this year ('til I broke from the stress and just couldn't anymore), but I don't see a pattern. That's an interesting question, though. I think I'll ask my pdoc about whether he sees that sometime. Thanks for posting.
Posted by DaisyM on June 18, 2004, at 16:16:18
In reply to Dealing with uncertainty?, posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 12:06:40
My two cents, for what it's worth, is that talking about your parents may have triggered off this huge need to know where your Therapist is and how you can touch base with him. When we go to old places in our soul, the younger feelings of being unable to tolerate uncertainty come out. And graduation places you in a major place of uncertainty!
Life changes are hard. Therapy is hard. You are combining them so of course you feel torn up. Don't apologize for that!! I think it is amazing that you articulated so well what you are feeling and what support you need.
If writing works for you, start a journal. And post here. It really helps to have this connection because it is available 24/7, you can help and be helped at the same time.
And I think you should talk in therapy how you are feeling outside of therapy. This is a big clue that you've hit upon a painful, but probably important subject.
I'm glad you are here.
Daisy
Posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 16:53:47
In reply to Re: Dealing with uncertainty? » Klokka, posted by DaisyM on June 18, 2004, at 16:16:18
Thanks, I hadn't thought of that. I think I'll have to bring it up whenever I talk to him... whenever that is. Given everything that's been going on, I may just ask to drop a letter off at the clinic. Keeping quiet for so long just isn't feasible right now.
Anyway, I called him back after my hair appointment. He called back! But I was in the car with my dad, who doesn't (and can't, IMO) know about what's going on, so I had to ask him to call back later. He said he could only do so at 5, but I'm not sure if he meant that he would call or that I should... I've called and left another message to remind him, but I think he's left the office by now. All the same, I feel a lot better because he did call at all - I can't really tell myself that he doesn't care because he was willing to see what was going on when he called, it was just a matter of bad timing.
Whew, that's rambling at its finest. Yeah, I'm not anxious at all, am I? LOL. Go figure, of all days, my prom is tonight. I'm actually looking forward to it now that things seem a little less out of control. Thanks again to everyone for being so supportive - I'm really glad I decided to register and post today, and definitely intend on sticking around here.
Posted by Klokka on June 21, 2004, at 23:16:26
In reply to Re: Dealing with uncertainty? » DaisyM, posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 16:53:47
...until I hear from him, or will it be nine? I keep kicking myself for not doing everything I could to get in touch with my pdoc Friday. I was only a few blocks away from home at the time - I should have told my dad that a friend just wanted to talk about something personal and asked him to let me off where we were and walked the rest of the way. I should have said things so that my pdoc would understand what I meant but not my dad. I should have stalled until I got home and then talked openly as soon as I had the chance. I should have called a few minutes before five, when my pdoc was probably still at the clinic anyway. Something, anything, I don't know.
These next two days are going to be agonizing. I'm going to talk to a guidance counselor at the college to discuss my options... and no matter what happens, my decision is going to cause trouble. Either I lose my pdoc and/or drive myself crazy with stress because of a heavy workload, or I have my parents berating me night and day because I'm not living up to their standards. I told my mother I might consider spreading the course out over three years and not two, even backed it up with academic reasons, and she still screamed at me. I know it could be so much worse, but it's more than I can bear right now. Then Wednesday, I know, will be spent staring at my cell phone in empty hope, and I'll keep wondering whether he'll be angry if I call him again to remind him that we need to talk. And if he doesn't call back? I don't know how I'll get through that. The next day is a provincial holiday and the start of my dad's vacation. I'm not sure I know how to adequately convey what he's like when he's off work and home all day, but let's just say that I had better find a way to spend most of every day away from home. Then I'll have one week to try and get through until I get the verdict on my appointment on the 30th - it likely won't be good.
I don't know what's happening to me. I've been diagnosed with SAD, and it made sense - around mid-May, I began to feel so much better. Now I feel just as miserable and hopeless, only there are reasons behind it now. I'd gone over a month without cutting, and while I haven't done anything major, all that progress has gone out the window with my very last exam on Wednesday and everything that happened after that. It seems so ridiculous to me - I've graduated, I'm growing up, I should be able to handle things, but right now I feel so young and immature and needy and I don't know where any of this is coming from. Nothing really bad has happened to me. Maybe I'm just weak? I don't know anymore.
I'm so glad I can come here and vent. I don't know why I'm writing this all out, except that I'm suddenly so unstable and I don't know how to cope. The weekend was easier than I thought because I was with people a lot, very sleep-deprived and distracted. Now I've slept, and have plenty of time to think... and it's really sinking in that I'm leaving my cherished, safe school and teachers. The pain is overwhelming, and while I know I'll probably get through it and feel a little better someday, it doesn't seem that way right now. I wish I could have told my pdoc when I saw him on Thursday and felt myself slipping into this. I wanted so badly to let him know that I was hurting and needed support, but I just couldn't. I hope I can bring myself to write to him about this - I definitely can't say it at this point - and to actually have him read it. Nine days - or will it be more? - is such a long time, though. Would it be reasonable to leave it at the clinic sometime this week?
I just hope things settle down a bit soon. I don't know how to see past or cope with this right now, because I don't know what's going on or what to expect. I don't even know why this is such a big deal for me, but it is, and I can't ignore it anymore. I don't know how I'll cope with August, either - I'll find out for sure whether I can continue seeing my pdoc, and... he'll be on vacation when I do. At least I feel a little bit better after venting - I'm so glad I found this place. Hopefully things will look a little more manageable in the morning.
This is the end of the thread.
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