![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
i'm so sorry i haven't been here for anyone. my thoughts keep looping that my shrink terminated me because i am evil and he wants me dead it just doesn't stop. i am taking stuff to make me sleep but my husband is away and i don't want my kids to find my body. i have to be there for them in the morning. i don't know what to do. i'm sorry if i have upset anyone. i can't go in the hospital i can't tell the truth. i have to try to exist and i don't know how.
Posted by Crooked Heart on March 17, 2004, at 5:38:43
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Dear judy1
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. There is no way that you are 'evil'. An evil person wouldn't care about their kids. And your shrink doesn't want you dead.
Does your husband have a cell phone, or is there anybody else you could phone? It's just so terrifying when you just can't get out of the thoughts that go round and round in your head.
Please know that this feeling will pass, like all else. I will check in later today. Please let me know how you are. You are in my thoughts.
Sending love your way ((((judy1))))
ch
Posted by EmmyS on March 17, 2004, at 8:26:15
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy - We don't know each other, but I'm pals with Karen Kay and Jai. (now, does that make me more or LESS trustworthy???)
You will get through this difficult time. You did exactly the right thing by thinking about how much your kids need you, and by reaching out to your friends here. I'd like you to think about taking the next step and reaching out to someone physically close to you, friend, family, minister?
I'll be home today until about noon EST, and you can email me at emilysimon2003 at yahoo dot com.
Your kids DO need you - today, tomorrow, and every single day. Never let go of that.
Emmy
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2004, at 8:46:33
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy, my sweet. We've known each other for a long time, right? I hope you can trust me when I say that you should call your pdoc or your therapist. He didn't terminate you because you're evil or because he wanted you dead. You aren't evil and **no one** wants you dead.
You didn't want to see him anymore because he was too far away. And so he sent you a termination letter in response to that. If you call him, tell him you've changed your mind, and that you need him, I'm sure he'll reinstate you. I get the impression you haven't found a new pdoc yet?
At the very least, call your therapist and tell her what's going on. They've *both* worked to keep you out of the hospital in the past because they know how much you hate it. Between the two of them, maybe they can figure out something to do.
You're one of my favorite people at Babble, Judy. I would hate like anything to see anything happen to you. Please reach out your hand to your pdoc and therapist. Maybe driving so far to see him isn't so bad after all. 180 miles isn't all that far for a good psychiatrist who's helped keep you on even keel all this time.
Posted by jane d on March 17, 2004, at 9:08:41
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy,
It's another day and I hope you are feeling enough better that this post is unnecessary. Just in case I'd like to second what Dinah and the others have told you. And remind you that when you can't figure out how to exist is when you must ask other people for help. Therapist. Family. Friends. Psychobabble friends. Even psychobabble strangers like me who would like to become friends.
Jane
Posted by tabitha on March 17, 2004, at 9:49:06
In reply to Re: please help me » judy1, posted by jane d on March 17, 2004, at 9:08:41
Dear Judy, obsessive thought loops are awful! I'm sorry they've got you in their grip. But they are just thoughts. I hope you take the good advice here and call a pdoc or therapist, or someone to support you in person. You'll make it. You're a dear sweet sensitive person, not evil at all!
Posted by EmmyS on March 17, 2004, at 11:06:53
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy - can you let us know how you are doing today? Take care.
Emmy
Posted by Racer on March 17, 2004, at 11:27:24
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Darling! You know that that isn't why he terminated you. You *know* -- even if you can't access that knowledge right now -- that your worth is not limited to what you can do for others. You know that you are treasured and precious to a lot of people who have never met you face to face -- like me, and we all know how fabulous I am. You know that there's no balance sheet for human worth, or human suffering.
I'm sorry your husband is away right now, and that you're hitting such a rough patch without him. Is there anything I can do for you? Can I offer sensible words? (<<<Doubt I can right now, but I can entertain you with nonsense that tries to make sense.) Can I just tell you that you matter to me? Can I listen and make comforting sounds?
Judy1, my old and valued buddy, you matter, and you deserve to feel better. This is not your failure, this is a situational failure. You, the person, deserve better. And I care. It may not help much, but for what you can take from it -- there's a big part of my heart reaching out to you, wanting to hold you and comfort you and share whatever strength it has with you. If writing me would help, please do. babbler39 at excite dot com.
You are worthy, no one hates you, and I send you the love you deserve.
Posted by Crooked Heart on March 17, 2004, at 13:52:24
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Dear judy
How are you? I hope you're not feeling as bad as earlier.
Sending love and thoughts your way.
ch
Posted by mair on March 17, 2004, at 14:43:29
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy
Dinah's post makes all kinds of sense. Please call your doc - I know he doesn't want you to be in distress as you are now. I too have been around long enough to know that your post is highly unusual and does not reflect your clearest thinking. Things are distorted for you now. Even if you can't get out of that loop of thinking, try to tell yourself that it is a distortion no matter how persistent and realistic.
Mair
Posted by noa on March 17, 2004, at 19:27:10
In reply to please help me, posted by judy1 on March 17, 2004, at 2:28:25
Judy, that isn't why he terminated, and of course you aren't evil.
You are wonderful. And I'm glad you are tuning in to your kids needing you. You are a great and wonderful mother.
Even though your husband is away, I think you should contact him right away. This is urgent.
Judy, get help somehow. Call your therapist, call your family doctor, go to the emergency room. Call a friend to stay with you.
Judy, please hang in there. You are such a wonderful person that I have admired for a long time, and will admire for a long time to come. This is a terrible, stressful time and you need help right now.
judy, I'm praying for you.
Noa
Posted by judy1 on March 18, 2004, at 11:25:58
In reply to Re: please help me » judy1, posted by noa on March 17, 2004, at 19:27:10
i think it's pretty obvious that this- termination- is my big trigger. i have called and e-mailed my pdoc. when i call i break down and cannot speak so with e-mail he made it clear that it is best that i get a pdoc closer, that he wasn't being a 'proper' dr. to me, that it is not 'personal'. i was supposed to see my therapist this morning but had a car accident after dropping my son off at school. no one was hurt. i am going to take something so i can sleep now. but i didn't want anyone here to worry, i remember how upset i would get when someone posted something that frightened me and i would keep worrying until they said they were ok. i am not ok but i will not kill myself. those who know me know my dad killed himself and my children are too young to go through that. but i am certain that i cannot be helped and i don't know what kind of life that is. mair you are probably right that my thinking is distorted about some things, but i think it is clear about never getting well. it is like a cancer patient in stage 5 going through all the stages of denial and coming to acceptance. i accept that pdocs will continue to terminate me- terminate sounds like murder doesn't it?- because they will eventually discover that they cannot help. emmy and racer thank you for the offer of e-mail and ch and noa that you for the support. dinah, you are always so kind to me. i hope i didn't leave anyone out, i am very grateful for your support. i am sorry this is so long, i'm crying so i'm going to stop. take care and thank you again- judy
Posted by EmmyS on March 18, 2004, at 11:59:48
In reply to thank you everyone, posted by judy1 on March 18, 2004, at 11:25:58
Judy - My offer for email still stands, and now I know there is a darn good reason for us to get to know each other. My mom died by suicide when I was a teen. Message boards are a bit too public for me on that topic, but if you ever want to email about your dad...well, I'll understand your feelings better than most. It's been several decades since I saw my mom's smile, and I still miss her terribly.
Please take care.
Emmy
Posted by Penny on March 18, 2004, at 12:40:47
In reply to thank you everyone, posted by judy1 on March 18, 2004, at 11:25:58
Judy,
My grandfather died by suicide two years ago. Your children will always be 'too young' to lose their mother in that way. Keep hanging on for them, if not just for you.
I know you said you are certain you cannot be helped, so I guess the rest of us will have to be certain that you CAN be helped for you in the meantime. I'm just thankful to see you write that, while you're not okay, you won't kill yourself. And glad no one was hurt in the accident. I hope you can see your T soon. And hope with all I have that you will find the one person who can and will help you. I know you can't see it now - I've been there, where I couldn't see it - but hope does exist, even if it feels like it's only for other people right now. We're all holding out hope for you, until you can grasp it yourself.
(((Judy)))
Keep us posted.
Take care.
P
Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2004, at 13:48:32
In reply to thank you everyone, posted by judy1 on March 18, 2004, at 11:25:58
I'm glad to hear that you weren't hurt in the accident, Judy. Can your therapist see you anytime soon? She might be able to help you find another psychiatrist who was as helpful as this one.
Judy, I think you should take your psychiatrist at his word. He just didn't think he could properly help you from a distance. I do understand what a blow losing part of your support system can be. :( But it doesn't mean that you'll always have this problem. I think it's not at all uncommon to have to try a few psychiatrists before you get one that is a good fit. I know I did. But that doesn't mean any more than that not every psychiatrist is a good match for every patient. You'll find another good match. Especially since you've had a good experience with this one, and know what to look for.
Bipolar I is like diabetes. Yes, we probably have to learn to accept that this is part of our life, and that we'll never have the total freedom to do what "normal" people take for granted. But that doesn't mean we can't have good lives. It just means we need to work a bit more than some to maintain our quality of life. And that sometimes we'll feel better than other times. I have known you to feel a lot better than this, Judy. And I have every confidence that you will again. Just hold on through this very very understandably rough patch.
(And don't forget to spend some time watching your little ones sleep. I find watching my son sleep is a very soothing activity for me.)
Posted by Crooked Heart on March 19, 2004, at 4:39:04
In reply to thank you everyone, posted by judy1 on March 18, 2004, at 11:25:58
Dear judy
Sorry you are still feeling so bad. I'm glad no-one was hurt in the accident.
I can only speak for myself, but please don't worry about worrying me. Your post did not frighten me, not more than I can handle anyway. I can't add to the good advice the people here have given, especially those who know you, but would like you know that I am sending love and supportive thoughts your way. Please keep posting when you want and need to.
ch
Posted by noa on March 19, 2004, at 19:00:43
In reply to Re: thank you everyone » judy1, posted by Crooked Heart on March 19, 2004, at 4:39:04
Judy, I am so glad you are holding on. I hope you weren't hurt in the accident.
I, too, think your pdoc is genuinely talking about the challenges of treating someone from such a distance, not about you per se.
As for whether you are 'treatable' or not, this is one of those questions best left for another time, when you aren't in the throes of a crisis. I think the way you think about this question depends heavily on the mood you're currently in.
Take care of yourself. Thank you so much for checking in with us.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.