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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 38 to 62 of 62. Go back in thread:
Posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
In reply to Re: No, My lovely nails » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 13, 2004, at 15:58:07
Well if you read my post to Dinah, then you know that I had one really bad, terrible session. I was so curious to know what my pdoc was thinking, that I just came right out and asked. He said he thinks I'm mostly schizoid/schizotypal with borderline traits and OCD. I thought I was gonna start crying when he told me, but I held back my tears. I haven't cried in front of him and I don't want to start now. I wish I didn't know now. And the worst part is, I know he's probably right. I'm so serious when I say that I really wish I had never asked. I can fully understand why pdocs don't label clients, because it's upsetting. And to make matters worse, I set the app. up with the therapist, and my pdoc goes, "I doubt that your therapy will last long, you don't like to be pushed." Well, I don't know about that. I don't think he knows how bad I want to get past all this. I don't even think he takes me seriously. I have so much more to tell you, but I just haven't got the energy right now. I'm gonna go lay down for awhile, I need some sleep. Talk to you soon.
Elle
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 19:24:28
In reply to Bad therapy session, posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
You've repeated almost verbatim what my therapist said about me!!!!
No! Wait! It was verbatim!
Except the part about the therapy not lasting. Mine has lasted nearly nine years. And I'm a happy little therapy client and he says I'm nowhere near his most annoying client! And that he both likes me and cares deeply about me! (And I almost believe him.)
Don't lose hope my friend.
a) He might be completely wrong. (Even my therapist now admits he might be wrong about the schizotypal - I'm down to traits)
b) It's not the end of the world if he's not. I cried for days and it set my therapy back years. But you've got me! You can come right on over to my corner of the internet, we can get some ice cream, cream of wheat, or white chocolate banana whipped top pie. I've got all three, and I'm happy to share. I'll tell you all the wonderful things about being OCD, schizotypal, with borderline traits (and I've got two others that you don't have! gotcha beat!).
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 5:07:51
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!!, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 19:24:28
Dinah-
I hope he is wrong. I always kinda suspected I fit that category, but since he never really said anything about it, I dismissed the idea. I guess it's the way he described it to me that really hurt and made me so scared. He was like well (in a very doctorly voice), theres something that we have, and some doctors think that it's a sort of a borderline type case of super-mild schizophrenia. Now, with me, schizophrenia is like a bad word. I can't hear that without getting panicky because I had myself so convinced I was schizophrenic and thats why I went and saw him in the first place. But he goes, I haven't fully decided yet, but thats what I'm thinking. So does that mean I can fool him? Like I can just go in there all normal and happy and make him think I'm fine. Not like that would help, I'd still be this way. I just don't like it that he thinks there's something wrong, even though there is. Honestly (and this could be denial, I'm not sure) I wonder whether he just doesn't have enough info to go one way or the other with any diagnosis. He even said to me today, that he learns something different everytime I visit. So, maybe there is something I haven't told him yet. Anyway, his comment about my app. with the therapist really hurt my feelings. "I don't think it will last long." Well (huff huff). I half-way want to prove him wrong just by going even if I really do turn out not to like it. Oh, I'm just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I'll be better in about a week (or at least somewhat recovered). I really do wish I had never found this out. I liked my ignorance much better. And by the way Dinah, of course I like you. And if being schizoid/schizotypal is like you, then I don't mind a bit, because I find you to be intelligent and very caring. Thanks for the support.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 14, 2004, at 8:31:50
In reply to Bad therapy session, posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
Elle, I'm here. But, I'm SOOOOO sorry! I have to get ready for class. I'll write to you after I get done with that junk. I'm sorry that he just sprang that on you. And I'm also sorry about the whole "Having nothing vested in you" BS!!! ARGH!! But, I'll have more for you in a few hours hun..... Wish I could be here now. But I can't skip class, as much as I'd like to. I'm thinking about you and just know the dx means nothing. It doesn't change anything. It's just a way to describe your symptoms....That's all for now. Future installments to come... Hang in there.. It will get better... We'll get through this together :) PROMISE!!
Karen
Posted by Dinah on January 14, 2004, at 9:00:52
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!! » Dinah, posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 5:07:51
Argggh. I wrote you a long post and my computer ate it. And I need to be at work. But I'll give you an abbreviated version, because I really do remember how bad I felt. At least I could yell at my therapist about it, but that doesn't sound like an option for you.
I think you need to do some research on the internet about schizoid/schizotypal. Your doctor's description was overly alarming and too negative. I can't tell you it's a flattering diagnosis but it's not that bad.
First off, though they are in the same cluster, they aren't the same disorder. Nor do they have the same relationship to schizophrenia. I think at one time, the thinking was different, but studies didn't bear that out.
Schizoid personality disorder is closer to Asperger's. Think loner or maybe geek. They don't want or need companionship. They are indifferent to praise or criticism. Frankly that doesn't sound like you, from what I've seen on the board. You don't seem indifferent to criticism, and if anything you seem more than usually empathetic to others.
Schizotypal personality disorder is seen more often in relatives of schizophrenics. That's probably a big reason I got the diagnosis. Although honestly, my relatives may well have been bipolar. Back then they lumped any delusional behavior under schizophrenia. But people with schizotypal personality disorder don't commonly become schizophrenic. I've heard Shirley Maclaine used as an example. The example in "DSM-IV Made Easy" was far more extreme, and enough to convince me I don't have the disorder, even if I am a bit eccentric.
I think I got the diagnosis because I dress in long T-shirt dresses with knee socks and tennies, frequently wear my hair in two braids or ponytails, sometimes have a flat expression (but not often - moreso before I got in touch with my feelings), said I worried about my parents when they were on a trip so that nothing bad would happen to them (which sounds sort of OCD to me), and read more than I talk (often historical fiction) so that my language is sometimes arcane. For myself, I think eccentric would cover me, possibly schizotypal traits. But if I were schizotypal it wouldn't be the end of the world.
http://www.geocities.com/ptypes/schizotypalpd.html
http://www.hsc.wvu.edu/aap/aap-car/videos.htm
Borderline traits aren't awful, although it's probably better not to mention to potential mental health professionals. There is unreasonable prejudice out there. I walked into my therapist's office with "Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder" by Marsha Linehan and pointed out all the things that matched how I felt, and sometimes how I acted. It helps me understand myself better.
As for not being able to maintain a long term therapeutic relationship, that depeds a lot on the therapist. Tell him to refer you to a decent one. If you don't like the one he refers you to, keep looking. They are out there. I don't handle being pushed well either. And so what? I am far more easily led than pushed, and I see that as a character strength, not a weakness.
Posted by Penny on January 14, 2004, at 11:21:45
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!! » Dinah, posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 5:07:51
(((Elle)))
I can't relate as well as Dinah has to your pain over this diagnosis, but might I say that a diagnosis, IMO, is just a category that they try to fit you in for paperwork's sake, and from the many people I've met online and in person with various diagnoses (and many who clearly had something wrong with them but were never diagnosed with anything!), I don't know that you should allow this diagnosis to influence you at all if you can help it. You are the same wonderful person today, Elle, that you were before you knew the label that has been applied to you. A different doc might have given you a different label. It doesn't change who YOU really are!
I guess mental health professionals have to have a way to categorize - I know insurance requires it at the least - but at least in the case of my pdoc and my T, they don't place that much emphasis on someone's dx. So perhaps this T won't either.
You are a unique individual, Elle. You are who you are, you have certain traits, some wonderful and some that are not so desirable to you - so does EVERYONE! Your pdoc is not a fortune teller (you should give him a copy of the list of cognitive distortions and ask him which one of those he can apply to his statement that therapy won't last long for you!) - he can't possibly know how therapy will go for you.
Don't let this get you down! Don't let this change one positive belief about yourself, period!!!
P
Posted by Karen_kay on January 14, 2004, at 15:23:53
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!! » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on January 14, 2004, at 9:00:52
Dinah, I think you sense of fashion sounds wonderful.... And personally, I think too much emphasis is being placed on quirks...... As I see it much of what you explained can be seen as personality quirks to me, IMHO. Granted, I haven't read up on that particular dx. But, the vocab choice, ect seems like logical explanations to me. ARG! This is what gets me. Being dx BPD and all, but the spectrum of the disorder doesn't seem to matter much. I don't have suicidal idealation much since I haven't been depressed. And I don't have instable interpersonal relationships (or is that intrApersonal, Hmmmm..) since I have been in a relationship for 5 years.... But, these *quirks* can also be explained by childhood trauma... ARG!!!
Posted by Karen_kay on January 14, 2004, at 16:02:52
In reply to Bad therapy session, posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
(((Elle)))
I'm sorry to hear about your news. But hun, don't let it get you down. Or try not to let it get you down at least. Research every thing you can about this dx. It's important to know everything you can about it.
I'm really sorry he wasn't very supportive either. Maybe it's time to find a therapist who will be supportive. Especially to help you deal with the fear/enxiety/ect that you have right now. And of course WE are right here to help you. I know Dinah's here for you, and she's very knowledgable and supportive. (Pardon me Dinah for speaking for you, hope you don't mind :)
I'm not sure how to respond. I don't want to be funny when you're hurting. I'm coming up with an agenda for our slumber party at PBS. We can have fun at the slumber party. Maybe group sex with Bean, would that cheer you up???? *Weak smile*
I love you hun, don't put too much emphasis on a dx. I'm trying to learn that with the BPD dx. It crushed me at first, but I'm learning that a dx doesn't really mean much. It's just a list of words/symptoms to describe what may or may not fit you. Hang on hun, helps coming. (((Elle)))
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:04:03
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!! » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on January 14, 2004, at 9:00:52
Hi Dinah,
Just want to say right off, thanks for the support.>At least I could yell at my therapist about it, but that doesn't sound like an option for you.
No, he's pretty firm and I think I know his personality well enough to say confidently, that if I started yelling at him, he would just ask me to leave. But, I have trouble with perceptions so...
Okay, and although SOME of the traits of that diagnosis fit me, I don't think the dx as a whole fits me. I guess I am highly paranoid (which probably comes across in my writing). But there aren't any schizophrenic people in my family. Mum and her sister both have serious social phobia issues, but no schizophrenia. I'm not as familiar with my dad's side of the family, but I know that none of his brothers or sisters have schizophrenia. And having schizophrenia is my BIGGEST fear. It truely terrifies me. I can't watch movies about it or anything. I'm in a abnormal psych class right now, and I am dreading studying it. Maybe I will find out in advance when those days are, and I will plan to be absent. I don't want to start crying in class, or worse yet, have a panic attack in front of everyone.
>They don't want or need companionship.Doesn't fit me. I crave companionship, just don't think I'm adequate to attain or maintain it. Plus, I'm too scared to have those kinds of relationships.
>They are indifferent to praise or criticism.
Definitely doesn't fit me. I crave praise. Now criticism, it does bother me, but has never gotten to me. I mean it hurts me, but I have this ability to completely dissociate from it and pretend like it was never said.
>Frankly that doesn't sound like you, from what I've seen on the board. You don't seem indifferent to criticism, and if anything you seem more than usually empathetic to others.
Thanks, I think he's wrong and I'm going to prove it.
>even if I am a bit eccentric.I don't think I'm eccentric really. But I do have some of what he termed "magical thinking." But, I don't think I'm delusional. Paranoid, definitely, delusional, no.
> I think I got the diagnosis because I dress in long T-shirt dresses with knee socks and tennies, frequently wear my hair in two braids or ponytails.
Okay, I know Karen doesn't think I'm too "up" on fashion (even though I am :) but, what is wrong with t-shirt dresses and knee socks? Sounds completely 100% normal to me. And your hair sounds really cute.
>said I worried about my parents when they were on a trip so that nothing bad would happen to them (which sounds sort of OCD to me)
Definitely OCD.
>and read more than I talk (often historical fiction) so that my language is sometimes arcane.
If anything, it has only made you more eloquent.
For myself, I think eccentric would cover me, possibly schizotypal traits. But if I were schizotypal it wouldn't be the end of the world.
No, and I don't mean to imply that it's the end of the world (even if I do turn out to embody the dx). I just think he's got the wrong diagnosis for me. I definitely have some of the traits, but not the dx.
> Borderline traits aren't awful, although it's probably better not to mention to potential mental health professionals.I think borderline traits are pretty bad sometimes. I think this is the proper diagnosis. It's what he first suggested. I match the criteria almost completely.
There is unreasonable prejudice out there. I walked into my therapist's office with "Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder" by Marsha Linehan and pointed out all the things that matched how I felt, and sometimes how I acted. It helps me understand myself better.
I think I'm going to do the same thing.
>I don't handle being pushed well either. And so what? I am far more easily led than pushed, and I see that as a character strength, not a weakness.
He gets frustrated with me because if I feel like I'm being pushed too far (like if he's trying to get at something I don't want to talk about) then I just shut up completely. Thats why he thinks therapy won't last. Well, if that is the case, then I would just like to know WHAT HE SUGGESTS I DO. Doesn't he want me to get better? Well????
Elle :)
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:05:29
In reply to Yelling, not an option, posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:04:03
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:08:10
In reply to Re: Forgive me for jumping in, please? » Elle2021, posted by Penny on January 14, 2004, at 11:21:45
Penny,
Feel free to jump in anytime! I appreciate any and all support and feedback. Thanks so much for the kind words. I'm not convinced I fit this category, and I'm going to point that out next session. :)
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:38:27
In reply to Re: Bad therapy session » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 14, 2004, at 16:02:52
> Or try not to let it get you down at least. Research every thing you can about this dx. It's important to know everything you can about it.
Yes, especially if I am going to prove him wrong. I do not fit this category. Some of the traits yes, overall no. I refuse to believe this.
> I love you hun, don't put too much emphasis on a dx.:) Thanks!
I'm trying to learn that with the BPD dx. It crushed me at first, but I'm learning that a dx doesn't really mean much. It's just a list of words/symptoms to describe what may or may not fit you. Hang on hun, helps coming. (((Elle)))
Thats a good way of looking at it. Sorry this post isn't much, but I just don't have much energy right now. I'm feeling kinda drained.
Elle
Posted by Dinah on January 14, 2004, at 18:43:13
In reply to Yelling, not an option, posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 18:04:03
Elle, I think you're absolutely right. As I pointed out to my therapist, OCD itself involves magical thinking, undoing rituals, and some things that might be considered schizotypal if the client doesn't also have OCD. If they do, then that covers it pretty well.
In what ways do you think you're paranoid? That can cover soooo much territory. If you aren't delusional in your paranoia, you could just consider it self protective (possibly based on the fact that your mother transmitted the idea that the world is a scary place).
Most people fit some of the criteria of most every personality disorder. It's a matter of degree. That's why I think I'm eccentric, not schizotypal.
And like you, I identify far more with borderline than I do with schizoid or schizotypal, although my personality testing was more in line with schizotypal. Linehan's conception just fits me to a T. I just don't do many of the actions, except with my therapist.
Next time he gets frustrated with you clamming up because he pushes too hard, remind him it's his fault for pushing too hard. With a better therapist you'll be fine. Just look for a patient one. If there's one quality my therapist has that makes him the right fit for me, it's that he keeps coming in, is just there consistently, and doesn't get so frustrated that he sends me away. It's amazing what just that can do for me.
You'll be just fine, Elle. I can see you recovering from the shock already. You're way ahead of my schedule. :)
Posted by Elle2021 on January 15, 2004, at 0:17:24
In reply to Re: Yelling, not an option » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on January 14, 2004, at 18:43:13
All right, here, I went to a website and copy and pasted this below info. Let's go step by step and see how many of these traits I actually fit.
This is from the UK DSM, because I had trouble trying to find the American one.1. Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.
I desire them, just don't know how to have them.
2. Almost always chooses solitary activitiesPartially true, depends on my mood.
3. Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person.
Not true, if I was married I would have sex.
4. Takes pleasure in few, if any, activitiesI like a lot of activities.
5. Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of othersOkay, this one fits. I don't have any really close friends and I am extremely guarded on what I tell people. But as for the criticism, I already explained that earlier. I am affected by it.
6. Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity
Well, now this one could go either way. Sometimes I really emotional and other times I keep everything in.
So how many is that? Not enough for a diagnosis.
And, now for the thoughts section:
Typical Thoughts and Beliefs of the Schizoid/Schizotypal Personalities
“I hate being tied to other people.”
I don't hate it per se, just not overly fond of it.
“My privacy is more important to me than being close to others.”
True
“It’s best not to confide too much in others.”
True
“Relationships are always messy.”
Usually
“I manage best on my own and set my own standards.”
Yup
“Intimate relationships are unimportant to me.”
NO!! They are important and I want them.
Okay, so more of the thoughts fit, but not the actual traits. Good enough for me, I don't have this.> As I pointed out to my therapist, OCD itself involves magical thinking, undoing rituals, and some things that might be considered schizotypal if the client doesn't also have OCD. If they do, then that covers it pretty well.
Yes, OCD does involve magical thinking! How come he can't put that together??
In what ways do you think you're paranoid?
Well, I think it would kinda embarrassing to explain, plus it might give me away if my pdoc reads these boards. Hey, thats a paranoid thought right there. I guess I just always feel like people are talking bad about me, or like things are directed at me, even when other people hear the same thing and say they aren't directed at me.
>If you aren't delusional in your paranoia
Was slightly delusional ONCE, very briefly.
And yes, my mum was extremely over-protective.
> Most people fit some of the criteria of most every personality disorder. It's a matter of degree. That's why I think I'm eccentric, not schizotypal.I don't think your schizotypal either.
> And like you, I identify far more with borderline
Definitely the case with me. I fit just about every trait, but since I don't tell him how I "feel" he doesn't know all of that. Maybe thats why the incorrect dx.
> Next time he gets frustrated with you clamming up because he pushes too hard, remind him it's his fault for pushing too hard.
Well, usually I just sit and say nothing...even when he asks me questions...
>With a better therapist you'll be fine. Just look for a patient one.
I hope this new one will be patient with me. I am going to go in with an open mind.
> You'll be just fine, Elle. I can see you recovering from the shock already. You're way ahead of my schedule. :)
Oh it's just all my bad defense mechanisms, they do the trick everytime and I recover speedily. :) Just kidding!
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 15, 2004, at 19:42:31
In reply to Re: Yelling, not an option (Long) » Dinah, posted by Elle2021 on January 15, 2004, at 0:17:24
It is important to remember that certain aspects of personality disorders fit evreyone to a certain degree. As I was reading that I started thinking, "Oh my! Oh my! That's me! That's is so me!" I'm going to now go and ask my therapist if it's possible that I have that instead of BPD. Or with? Nooooooo... I do this everytime I read something, a few weeks ago I was conviced I had antisocial personality disorder. He said I didn't. But what if this time he doesn't say no?
But, the point I'm trying to make is that people can identify with all aspects to a certain degree. I think the reason I can is because of emotional numbing in part and the fact that I tend to disbelieve praise.
I think that once you are set up with a therapist that you feel more able to open up with and to, you'll progress nicely. And I can't wait to see it happen (and hear the things you tell your therapist!!! I can't wait for that. Maybe I won't be so embarrassed!). Also, I'm proud at how you've already set out to prove him wrong! A girl after my own heart!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:03
In reply to Re: Yelling, not an option (Long) » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 15, 2004, at 19:42:31
> It is important to remember that certain aspects of personality disorders fit evreyone to a certain degree.
Thats true.
>As I was reading that I started thinking, "Oh my! Oh my! That's me! That's is so me!" I'm going to now go and ask my therapist if it's possible that I have that instead of BPD. Or with?
I always ask mine...be careful you might not get the answer you're looking for.
>a few weeks ago I was conviced I had antisocial personality disorder. He said I didn't. But what if this time he doesn't say no?
You are not anti-social! Believe him on that!!
By the way, I found out how old my pdoc is. If you want to know how old yours is, then go to the Department of Health for your state and go to the part that looks up credentials. :)
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:00:15
In reply to Ages, posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:03
Oh Elle, don't give me tips on how to search for info on my shrink....Girl that's looking for trouble....
I was SOOOOOOO close to telling him that I googled him and found a picture of his old lady last session. I might tell him next week, but I'm afraid that it might slip out that I'm disappointed in him for not marrying a trophy bride. I know I'll say that she's lovely, but I still feel that I invaded his personal life and I feel guilty for that. And I feel guily for not thinking his wife is pretty. And I don't like his wife because she doesn't let him get enough sleep. It's not that I want to be a wife for him, I'd like to be his house keeper. (strange fantasy, huh?) I'd like to go clean his house for him so he doesn't have to and he could get more sleep...I often think aobut that when I'm cleaning my own house. I'd even iron his shirts, because he said he doesn't iron his shirts.....I'm not old fashioned or anything but Good Gracious, she needs to take better care of him so he can get more sleep! If she can't do it, I'd like to step in and help. :) I'm silly, I know...I think about babysitting his kids too, so he and his wife can go out. I know that when they do go out, the kids go with them..WHAT??? They need some time alone, for crying out loud!
I'm really worried now that maybe he's going to terminate because I ask too many questions and he's apt to answer them when he shouldn't. I want to bring it up, but he gets really defensive and I know that he may bring my faulty memory into it. I jsut don't want to lose a good therapist over silly questions. And it is my fault for always talking about sex. It isn't that I mind that he talks about it at all. It's jsut that I know he's ethical and if he feels that he's doing something wrong he may talk to a supervisor who may recomend transfering me out. That wouldn't be good. I'd quit therapy before I'd work with someone else. There's no way I'd continue in the same building.... NO FREAKING WAY I'D CONTINUE... oh man, I'm causing myself to get all anxious over nothing I'm sure...I hope???
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 16:10:41
In reply to Re: Ages » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:00:15
Okay, first of all I should really be working on my term paper for my psychology class, but I'm completely bored with it (it's on bpd, go figure). Anyway, I have temporarily abandoned the project so that I can ask you for ideas. Do not suggest Schizoid or Schizotypal PD because I no longer want to ever hear those words again. :)
Any other ideas? I thought about doing something like you did for your Bipolar essay, but I realized that two other people aside from the teacher will be reviewing this...so, that idea won't work.> Oh Elle, don't give me tips on how to search for info on my shrink....Girl that's looking for trouble....
Sorry, I didn't think about that. No more tips for Karen.
> I was SOOOOOOO close to telling him that I googled him and found a picture of his old lady last session.
Do I really have to tell you that what you did was NOT inappropriate?
1. The info was on the Internet, therefore, public. Obviously she wanted other people to see her and her little dog (it was her dog right?). She can't very well limit who sees the info, she can't say, well I want all of my hubby's non-patients to see this, but his patients must not view it...
2. I can't think of a number 2 right now.
But, if you must tell him this tasty tidbit, then make sure to let him know that you did this during the time you had a crush on him. You're not still doing this are you (the research)??
>I might tell him next week, but I'm afraid that it might slip out that I'm disappointed in him for not marrying a trophy bride.
I wouldn't tell him that you find his wife ugly if I were you! :)
>but I still feel that I invaded his personal life and I feel guilty for that.
I already went over this part above, but I'll restate it just for you. It was on the Internet, therefore public information.
> I'm really worried now that maybe he's going to terminate because I ask too many questions and he's apt to answer them when he shouldn't.
I doubt it. He probably knows you *have* to ask these questions in order to get better.
>I want to bring it up, but he gets really defensive and I know that he may bring my faulty memory into it.
Then just come right out and ask him if he's uncomfortable with any of the questions you've asked up until this point. Let him know your concerns.
>oh man, I'm causing myself to get all anxious over nothing I'm sure...I hope???
I think so... :) Don't worry, it will be fine.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:29:34
In reply to Re: Ages » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 16:10:41
The good thing about doing a paper that is so personal is the potential to use it as a learning experience. I mean if you are confident in your writing abilities then why not? Mine was I think about 12 pages long and the first part was diagnostic with tons of research about medication, sympoms, ect... Then, I included my own personal story. I had an A in the class, so she knew that I was on meds, or at least stable. But, teh paper I wrote showed that there was a time when I was, I was delusional and borderline psychoitc. Well, actually psychotic. She actually encouraged me to become a writer and told me that i have a very good way of getting my thoughts across on paper. It involved my personal feelings on how my doctor wanted to take away my happiness (hypomania) and how I was the person with something wrong.
Well, what I'm trying to say is that though a personal paper may be hard, you're educating yourself as well as your professors. Also, you already know alot about the subject. And, you can include a personal story, which can eat up about 4 pages, at least, depending on how indepth you wnat to go. It was hard for me to do, but I was honored that she used my paper as a learning resource.
What other options do you have? Maybe you can pick a topic you're interested in, but know nothing about? Keep in mind that people make great sources as well... you can use people here as sources via email, ect..I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about googling him, but I do... And if I do, then I think I should tell him. I'm not compairing myself to his wife, in the looks department, but I am in the house keeping department, and the "taking care of him" department. I want her to take better care of him so he can be there to help me. And he's so nice she should take better care of him. I would if I were married to him. But, I wouldn;'t have sex with him, so I guess I wouldn't take good care of him either. :( I'd be a good butler though :) (saying that while my house is a mess!!!)
I think I'm going to tell him next week jsut so I can finally get it off my chest. Not that I know where he lives. That may freak him out. I've never driven by there or anything, just that I googled him and found a pic of his old lady. If he yells at me, I'll yell back. I think he'll be proud that I told him though.... I hope anyway...I just need to tell h im so I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I don't need to feel guilty. He's like my priest or something, only I'm not Catholic. I tell him that on a regular basis. Oh, and I never confess anything :) Maybe I should start enxt week....
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 16:44:24
In reply to Re: Ages » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:29:34
> The good thing about doing a paper that is so personal is the potential to use it as a learning experience. I mean if you are confident in your writing abilities then why not?
I am confident in my writing abilities, I recieved excellent grades in English. The problem is, that I do not trust her one bit. I don't know her, and if I do a personal paper, then it will only cause me added paranoia. I will sit and wonder if she's discussing it with the rest of the professors. Plus, other students have to evaluate this paper, and I am not going to let eveyone know that I might be borderline... oh no!!
> What other options do you have? Maybe you can pick a topic you're interested in, but know nothing about?
Thought about that. Maybe self-injuring or something like that... Then I'll show it to my pdoc, but only if I get a good grade.
I think since this thing about you googling him is bothering you so much, then yeah, you should tell him about it. Does his wife look alot older than him?Elle
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 17:42:44
In reply to Re: Yelling, not an option (Long) » Dinah, posted by Elle2021 on January 15, 2004, at 0:17:24
You know, Elle, if you're introverted, you meet about half the criteria for most personality disorders right off. It's a terrible prejudice. But don't let it bother you. I doubt you're schizoid or schizotypal.
By the way, Elle. I told my therapist today that I didn't think it was so all-fired bad to not like to be pushed. I told him it was like training a dog. There are some dogs that if you yank on the choke chain, they'll lock their legs. But if you pat your leg and talk encouragingly they'll work their hearts out for you. He liked that analogy. Perhaps he'll take it to heart.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:47:36
In reply to Re: Ages, posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 16:44:24
I'd say if others (as in peers) are reading it, then that's a NEGATIVE, no way jose...NOPE nada uh huh...Yeah, self injuring, but don't include personal references (if you do SI)... I used to if you want to use a reference or a source, I'd be happy to give up some of my experiences. But only since it's you and I made you come in last at the beauty pageant :)
I feel guilty because I feel like I invaded his personal life by finding the picture of his old lady. I wouldn't feel guilty if I just found info about him, I don't think so anyway. But since I didn't find info just about him, I found a pic of his wife, I feel insanely guilty. And i wouldn't tell him I find her unattractive. I'd say she was quite lovely. (I'd be lying through my teeth, but he wouldn't know. I lie to him often and I don't think he catches it) I want to believe she's lovely, so if I want to believe something, sometimes I think I can make it happen. Magical thinking???? GRRRRRR! But, it worked in forgetting abuse, so there you go! Proof magical thinking does work in some cases..
No, she looks to be his age. And I really think she looks to be his type actually too. She jsut appears to be very plain jane like. Rather homely. I was expecting a woman more stylish. I don't know, I've actually seen 2 pictures of her (BAD KAREN!!) and she just appears to be plain, rather homely. I guess in a way at the time I was expecting someone more like (dare I say it??) me?
And then if I tell him we'll of course have to talk about how I felt, ect ect and then I'll either have to lie (which won't do me any good) or be honest (which will make me feel like a *%&$$) because I feel like I would be better at choosing a mate for him then he would, ect....
But, I think I really should tell him. I'm jsut afraid that he'll be disappointed in me. He won't say it but he will be.....And he'll understand that it was an accident, but SINCE I'm Borderline, ect. BLAH BLAH BLAH....
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 17:57:15
In reply to Re: Ages » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:47:36
If he gives you grief, tell him we all do it. It's the truth. Half his clients probably do, and if he doesn't realize that he should go google himself.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 18:07:12
In reply to Re: Yelling, not an option (Long) » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 17:42:44
> You know, Elle, if you're introverted,
I didn't used to be introverted. And there are still a number of places where I bring out the "other" me, the extroverted me. And she works just fine cause she dissociates from the other part of me that is afraid of social situations. I'm talking about myself in the third person aren't I...
> By the way, Elle. I told my therapist today that I didn't think it was so all-fired bad to not like to be pushed. I told him it was like training a dog. There are some dogs that if you yank on the choke chain, they'll lock their legs. But if you pat your leg and talk encouragingly they'll work their hearts out for you. He liked that analogy. Perhaps he'll take it to heart.
Hmm, I don't want him to touch my legs... :) Just kidding, I know what you mean. I completely agree, and I like your analogy too. I think he should talk to me and be more encouraging. If he would just tell me that he doesn't think I'm weird and he's not going to judge me or think that I am unfixable. But, I fear that he already has that thought in his head. Doesn't he know that he has to take a different approach with some people. Not everyone is the same. The more he pushes me, the less I talk. It's really hard to sway me into talking about something I really don't want to discuss, like the sex issues. I have to give him that though, he did quit it with that. But, now his quest is to figure out why I don't have a boyfriend.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 22:21:26
In reply to Re: Ages » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 17:57:15
It's the fact that I saw his wife that I'm worried about. I'm scared that this bif of info will upset him. And for some odd reason I'm afraid maybe he'll be upset I saw her because I think she's not as attractive as I'd hoped. Like (I know this sounds strange, so tell me it's not even if it is, K?) maybe he's been hiding her from me because he knows she's not what I'd expect. And the fact that I found out his little secret will somehow change things. I'm weird I know....
This is the end of the thread.
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