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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Raindancer on January 9, 2004, at 16:18:05
I saw my T today after a month (holiday) and it all seemed to go wrong. He seemed quite distant and detached but wondered if it was me as I've been really depressed and tearful lately. At one point he made me laugh and then asked me what I was thinking. I told him how much I loved him (he knows this) although I know this frustrates him as he feels it gets in the way of what we're doing. He indicated that I looked up to him too much and that he was only human. More than anything I need his approval, but I'm really scared that he doesn't like me any more. I've been seeing him for over 2 years and he is looking towards ending, although there would always be some contact. I feel so alone. Please help.
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 18:47:48
In reply to bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 9, 2004, at 16:18:05
I don't think it is you. Probably a combination of finding your rhythm again and your built up expectations. Plus, knowing you are close to ending would color things for me...I would be worried about all of the little things. Was there any specific thing he said/did that made you think he was upset with you in anyway? You could ask him if he was bored. This usually prompts a discussion of the feelings in the room.
Don't beat yourself up. We all have bad sessions.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 20:23:56
In reply to bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 9, 2004, at 16:18:05
You're not alone! It seems that I have more bad sessions than good ones. But, then I look back on them when I'm in a better mood and realize that they were in fact really good sessions. Try to stay positive. And realize that he is only human! Look back at your session when you are feeling more positive and you may realize that it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought!
I'm thinking about you and you're doing great!
Karen
Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2004, at 22:12:08
In reply to bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 9, 2004, at 16:18:05
I hate bad sessions. I always carry them around with me till the next time. Does he give good reasons for thinking you're ready to terminate? It really is a good thing that he's willing to keep in contact afterwards. I think that's a growing trend. What did I hear it referred to? Can't recall right now.
It's usually tough after a vacation. Maybe next time will be better. When do you see him again?
Posted by naiad on January 10, 2004, at 1:01:01
In reply to bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 9, 2004, at 16:18:05
Feeling emotional distance from your T and possible termination (abadndonment?)sound horrible. No wonder you left feeling bad and that it is lingering. I would be a mess! Next time you see him you will have plenty to talk about. In the mean time, it is good to remember that he is human and that he can be out of his rhythm, as well. Take care.
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 12:46:37
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 18:47:48
Thanks Daisy. He said he felt I saw him as superhuman and that this could be damaging, that we were close sometimes but not all the time. I find it quite hard to accept regard from anyone and I wonder that by hero worshipping him, I am really pushing him away. Does that make any sense? Thanks so much for being there.
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 12:52:13
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me?, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 20:23:56
Karen, I do hope you're right. I seem to be under a complete cloud of negativity at the moment and can see no good at all in anything i say and do. I feel he must be disappointed because I did quite well in my early time with him. The thought of ending panics me although it may never be total and final and there can be contact by letter at least. But I want more than this . It's never enough. Thank you for your thoughts and care. I really appreciate it.
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:07:57
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2004, at 22:12:08
I see him again in two weeks (now 13 days)! but after that it may not be for 3 or 4 weeks as he has to be away. I think he feels that people should take a break from therapy now and then and he is also moving about through different jobs although he will still be in the area. I know he won't leave me high and dry and he will always maintain contact by letter, although I doubt if I'll see him very often. At the end of the session he asked me if there was anything I wanted to say/ask so i didn't worry (which was kind) and I wanted him to reassure me that everything would be O.K. and that he still likes me, but was already in a mess and he was in a bit of a challenging mood so didn't dare, so I asked something flaky about my progress. The more distant i feel from him, the more I want to drag at his coat tails like a desperate child and at my age (60!) it doesn't feel very dignified. Thank you so much Dinah. You give so much and I really appreciate your kindness.
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:17:42
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me?, posted by naiad on January 10, 2004, at 1:01:01
I have to say that I have never had two bad sessions with him together so i am becoming more hopeful that the next one will be good, especially as there will be a long gap after it. Therapy seems to have become the centre of my life and I'm going to find it hard to change that when i see him less and less. Thank you for your support. It's good to know you're there.
Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 13:19:04
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Dinah, posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:07:57
You did better than I would have. I would have probably wrapped myself around his legs and refused to let go if my therapist said that to me.
It's so hard that they're so much to us, and we're not nearly as much to them. :(
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 14:28:45
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 13:19:04
Dinah, The image of you wrapping yourseld round your T's legs is very cheering. That's just what I wanted to do, but i think he would have been very shocked! Thanks for that!
Posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 12:52:13
I've read all that you wrote and I'd definately say it isn't you, just the timing and the ending. If therapy has become central in your life, this leaves a big gap -- distance physically as well as emotionally. I'm still at the beginning stages but I think when we are ending we don't want to open up any new issues and the issue IS the ending, so how do you get past that? I've seen is suggested here that you fill up the time with other self-care activities, don't just let it absorb back into the life void. Set up a routine to do something nice for yourself. You must have made good progress for your Therapist to be comfortable with this arrangement. Support is available from lots of places, not just in session.
I think what you said about seeing him as super-human makes total sense. Isn't that what we have essentially asked them to be? Sit there and listen and care, not criticize or have a bad day or be distracted or any of a hundred other things our family and friends do to us when we are talking to them? This is pretty superhuman and most of them do it pretty well. But knowing it isn't quite real does allow us to emotionally distance when we need to. Aren't most super hero's single, after all?
That said, I feel for you. It is one of my biggest worries - allowing someone else to know the intimate details of my life, past and present, to hear how selfish I am, how childish about some things, how arrogant, stubborn and ultimately, scared about what I have to face (my husband's illness)-- and then have them be "all done." I question this a lot with my Therapist. He just says, "yes, eventually there is an ending. And it is sad. And it is great, because you will be ready. And I might not be, because it is hard to let go of clients you care about but it is the right thing to do."
I think it is great that you have a way to maintain contact. Writing is one of my favorite activities so that would be perfect for me.
I'd love to know what you choose to do in place of therapy for awhile. Can you post it? And keep writing here. I hope just talking about how sad you are helps. It does for me.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
In reply to It isn't you!, posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
I agree, the session you described isn't a bad session because of you. It sounds like the process is changing for you, and of course that would cause anxiety. I like Daisy's idea of self-care stuff. Also, can you try to remember what you have learned from your T? Does he have specific "catch-phrases" or other stuff that you've heard frequently. I know it's really scary, and I don't know how I will get through termination myself when the time comes. Can you hang onto what you've gained from him, without seeing him face to face?
Of course, not literally hang on, like Dinah's post. :)
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 11:27:15
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
>
> Of course, not literally hang on, like Dinah's post. :)Drat. Are you saying Part I of my termination plan is unfeasible? Part II being when the security guards have to pry my fingers from around the door frame? And I'll leave Part III to your imagination.
Fortunately he's said he won't terminate me against my will until he retires or moves. But I've still got that plan ready!
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:41:34
In reply to Re: Awwwwww » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 11:27:15
Posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 17:54:27
In reply to It isn't you!, posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
Daisy, Thanks. What you say makes so much sense, although I'm not feeling very sensible at the moment. The trouble is that he feels I'm too attached to him and that has got in the way of the therapy. He has become a sort of Dad to me. I was coping O.K. but own Dad died six months ago, also a loved uncle just before Christmas and I am really depressed and also feel guilty because of it and so it goes on. I suddenly have a feeling he thinks I'm a waste of space, but perhaps those feelings are mine not his. When I feel good about myself, everything feels more positive. I really hate myself at the moment, which doesn't help. Thank you for all your help. You are very kind and brave. Take care
Posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
Thanks Gardener Girl. I really appreciate what you're saying. When I'm more positive I do think of things he said and if I thought he still liked me I would be able to cope. I keep feeling that he's fed up with me now and would like me to go, although another part feels its not really true. Truth is I'd rather attack myself than care for self at the moment. I simply can't accept that he likes me. I can't think of any reason why he should. I feel black and Negative. Sorry to be such a pain. It all feels a bit hopeless.
Posted by DaisyM on January 11, 2004, at 20:36:18
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 17:54:27
While I don't accept that he doesn't like you (on what basis is that grounded?) let's look at it if he didn't? What would that mean to your real life? You can change therapists, you can join a support group, etc. His opinion shouldn't just be globally accepted as correct, though I know it is important to you.
I think you MUST clarify this with him as clearly it is eating at you. Make a phone call,soon.
Try to make a list of the good moments you've had in therapy. This will help bring his positive feeling for you forward.What is the best thing he has ever said to you?
Finally, I'm sorry about your dad and uncle. You must miss them. Please consider self-care, not self hate.
Posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2004, at 9:57:03
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 11, 2004, at 20:36:18
Daisy, of course you're right. I know he liked me in the past because he said so more than once(after I asked him of course!but you don't just change your mind, do you? ) and has said lots of nice things to me. I think he gets frustrated because I never seemed able to accept them. Also I know he is concerned about the intensity of my feelings.
Unfortunately I can't call him as he now only works one day a week in the office and frankly it would have to be a dire emergency. I could write. Would that be a good idea? It is eleven days until I see him again and the second week is usually better than the first. It has helped just to write to you. Thanks for being there.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2004, at 10:35:24
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » gardenergirl, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
Sorry that this is such a difficult time. I'm glad you are finding support here. Please keep writing, and take care!
g
Posted by DaisyM on January 12, 2004, at 17:18:59
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2004, at 9:57:03
I think writing to him would be OK, but if your goal is to increase your ability to tolerate longer periods of time without him, maybe posting here is the way to go.
I'd love to know what self-care strategies you can come up with. Maybe start with a list of total fantasy and then we can narrow from there. Like on mine, I'd have Paris...
I'm glad you've found the responses helpful. I always wonder.
Posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 1:35:03
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » gardenergirl, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
Raindancer, sometimes it really is the therapist. The T can, potentially, (And I am not diagnosing your own T, just going by my past experiences) have had a really bad night's sleep; maybe he or she is coming down with the flu, maybe there are problems in his or her family.
I had what I would call a "bad" session several months ago. T was fidgeting, acting unusually irritable, yanking at her necklace so hard I felt that she would break it. I was talking about my own diffidence in general and she burst out, quite uncharacteristically, "I don't know what you want me to say"....I told her that I didn't need her to say ANYTHING, that I just wanted to talk.
I had the feeling that I had caught her on a very bad day, when she was not doing her best. And even though therapists (mostly) probably try really hard, they, like us, are stuck within the confines of a human body and have all the attendant ills that civilians do.
So...unless this develops into a real pattern, I think that an isolated bad session can just be chalked up to the fact that we are all human.
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 17:48:46
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 12, 2004, at 17:18:59
I think you're right. I've decided not to write to him and it's only ten more days to go! I have written about twice in the last two and a half years and he always expects me to tell him what I said anyway. I might write but not send it just to get my thoughts in order. I find self care really hard, I don't know why. Probably I feel undeserving. I hope you are OK.Take care
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 17:57:28
In reply to Re: It isn't you! Raindancer, posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 1:35:03
Catmom, welcome to Babble. I haven't been here too long myself but so many people have been really thoughtful and helpful. It's a wonderful place to be. Thanks for your post....I know I expect too much, but I'm really hoping things go well at the next session. All good wishes and take care.
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 18:01:25
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2004, at 10:35:24
I will, and thank you. You help so much. I really appreciate it. All the best and take care.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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