![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
Here is an interesting dilema:
A friend of mine is going through a hard time and she kinda, sorta asked if I knew a good Therapist. She knows I have one, and that I like him a lot. We work pretty closely together (same field) so we know many of the same people. I don't know whether to give her the name of my Therapist of not. Part of me wants her to have a good experience. Part of me does not want to share. I am not worried about confidentiality on his part but what if we run into each other at his office? It would be weird. What if she doesn't like him? And, what if he likes her better than me? (ok, did I just really think that!)What do y'all think?
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2003, at 12:17:05
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
I would, and in fact have, with an aquaintance. I wouldn't with a friend. Fortunately, I have no friends so it doesn't come up. :)
Although he saw my husband briefly at the very beginning of my therapy. We were both doing short term CBT stuff with him at the time, and there didn't seem to be any reason not to. It didn't seem worse than sharing a teacher. My husband only went a few sessions. We went into deeper work and I'd never want my husband to see him professionally at this point. But I'm kind of glad it worked out that way, because now my therapist knows my husband first hand and understands his temperament.
Posted by zenn4 on November 20, 2003, at 12:29:04
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2003, at 12:17:05
I would ask your therapist for a referral for your friend. Transference/counter-transference issues have a tendency to get out of hand sometimes and for me, it would be emotionally difficult to deal with a friend who was going to the same therapist. I mean, any problems I would be having with the friend or the therapist would not be able to be discussed by the other party without you or them feeling uncomfortable. But when you have a good therapist, you want to share.
Posted by karen_kay on November 20, 2003, at 12:41:12
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by zenn4 on November 20, 2003, at 12:29:04
I agree to get a referal. I wouldn't want to share my therapist with anyone. But, if I did, I would (and have) ask my therapist if he liked her more than me. You seem so sweet though hun, I'm sure there would be no contest at all. Get a referal. There could be concerns in the future if she didn't like him, or if there were conflicts. I wouldn't want to get involved in any of that. Good luck with your decision, I'm sure you'll make the right one.
Karen
Posted by fallsfall on November 20, 2003, at 13:07:18
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
My (old) therapist explicitly told me that if I knew someone that she could not treat them. Therapists need to be sure they won't run into conflicts of interest (between 2 patients - i.e. if the 2 of you had a fight). I'm sure you can get a good referral.
Posted by Penny on November 20, 2003, at 13:42:20
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
I had a friend while in Charlotte who was impressed by what I had told her about my T at the time, and I mentioned to my T that she was looking for a therapist, but my T said that she couldn't see her, as we were friends and she was already treating me. At the time I didn't see the problem so much, but as I became more attached to my T, I was glad that that's the way it was.
I did refer good friends of mine to my former T for couples counseling - and it was different, as I'm not seeing her anymore. She saw them for a number of sessions (it was meant to be a short-term thing). Right now I wouldn't refer anyone to my current T, b/c I don't want to share her with anyone I know, but I do give my pdoc's name to some people. But not people I know really well. A friend of mine mentioned seeing him once, and I told her I was okay with it, but then realized that I wasn't. Fortunately, she never went through with it.
P
Posted by mair on November 20, 2003, at 13:53:59
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
I think what you're feeling is very natural. I think I would feel the same reluctance. On a couple of occasions, I've bumped into people I know on my way in or out of my T's office. That's bad enough. It would be worse to think that someone was there because I sent them.Mair
Posted by lookdownfish on November 20, 2003, at 16:48:04
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
I had this dilemma a few months back. A friend of mine was feeling very depressed and asked if he could have my therapists number. I said no, and felt awful about it. I felt I was being really selfish. I was worried that she might find him more entertaining than me. (He is highly promiscuous and very funny). I was also worried that if either of us mentioned in therapy an something that had happened between us, she might forget which one of us had told her about it.
When I asked my therapist about this, she said she wouldn't take on any friend of mine due to the possible conflict of interest. So I felt exonerated.
Posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 17:32:04
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist » DaisyM, posted by lookdownfish on November 20, 2003, at 16:48:04
Really...it never occured to me that he would react like this. I took the advice here and asked for a referral. He asked me straight out if there was a problem,if I was uncomfortable, etc. I was so shocked! "No! No!" I said. "I'm totally OK with you. I don't want to share -- which is why I need someone good so I don't feel guilty about them not having you!" He laughed at that but insisted that he wanted to know if ever I was unhappy with him. Glad to know he wants to keep me! :)
We talked (again) about how hard all this is for me: trusting, allowing myself to need, having this huge desire to take care of him, etc. I really hope that calms down soon. Therapy itself is almost as much to deal with as the issues that brought me there!
Anyway -- thanks for the advice. Sheesh, only 4 people even know I HAVE a Therapist and look at this mess! :)
-D
Posted by karen_kay on November 20, 2003, at 18:02:18
In reply to He thought the friend was me!, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 17:32:04
> He asked me straight out if there was a problem,if I was uncomfortable, etc. I was so shocked! He laughed at that but insisted that he wanted to know if ever I was unhappy with him. Glad to know he wants to keep me! :)
>It is always so good to hear that reassurance that Yes!!!! they do like us as clients and want us to feel comfortable. My therapist is always making comments like "I like you as a person" and "I know you would be fun to hang out with." and it is always wonderful to hear those kind of comments. I tend to get a little offended though, because I feel like he is just trying to pump my ego a bit. I don't take bs too kindly.
> We talked (again) about how hard all this is for me: trusting, allowing myself to need, having this huge desire to take care of him, etc. I really hope that calms down soon. Therapy itself is almost as much to deal with as the issues that brought me there!>I hear you sister! It seems so hard sometimes. I don't realize how hard it is until I get home and think about things I say during the session. Then, I think how can I fix what I said, or Maybe he'll forget that I said that. But, usually I just forget that I said it. :)
> Anyway -- thanks for the advice. Sheesh, only 4 people even know I HAVE a Therapist and look at this mess! :)>Funny, almost everyone I know knows I have a therapist! But, I think he's absolutely wonderful, so I talk about him quite a bit. I feel bad sometimes though because I know people wonder "What does she say about me?" Ha Ha, they'll never know!
I'm sure your sessions will get better with time hun. You just have to allow yourself to trust him. It's hard, trust me, I know! But, I had a BIG event today, and I trust my therapist so VERY much now! I think I'm going to tell him anything I want now! I think the advice he gave me was right on! Good luck hun! Start trusting him, it a choice that you have to make, no one else can make it for you and it is a choice!
Karen
>
Posted by crushedout on November 21, 2003, at 10:35:08
In reply to Sharing Your Therapist, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 11:56:45
My reaction is to NEVER EVER share your therapist, although I understand the impulse.
> Here is an interesting dilema:
> A friend of mine is going through a hard time and she kinda, sorta asked if I knew a good Therapist. She knows I have one, and that I like him a lot. We work pretty closely together (same field) so we know many of the same people. I don't know whether to give her the name of my Therapist of not. Part of me wants her to have a good experience. Part of me does not want to share. I am not worried about confidentiality on his part but what if we run into each other at his office? It would be weird. What if she doesn't like him? And, what if he likes her better than me? (ok, did I just really think that!)
>
> What do y'all think?
>
Posted by karen_kay on November 21, 2003, at 16:20:32
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by crushedout on November 21, 2003, at 10:35:08
Darn it! My friend was just over and asked who my therapist was, as she is looking. I told her..... Ugh!!!! Bad Karen, bad, bad Karen.....
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 9:46:56
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by karen_kay on November 21, 2003, at 16:20:32
I referred a very good friend of mine several months ago to my therapist and she says that he has literally saved her life. I've even bumped into her in the waiting room and it's no problem.
The best part is getting together occasionally and comparing notes. Not about therapy, but more about him (lack of ANY fashion sense, personality quirks, etc.) We always end up laughing hysterically. I hope his ears don't burn.
I know how wonderful he has been for me and have no qualms referring him to others. Even though I'm in love with him, I have no problem sharing him with others. He thanked me for the referral and when I brought up the fact that maybe he felt uncomfortable that my referee and I were friends, he said it would actually probably be therapeutic in itself to talk to eachother about therapy and what we are getting out of him.
Posted by karen_kay on November 22, 2003, at 15:49:48
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 9:46:56
>Yeah, that is a good line of reasoning. I do like her a lot and would love for him to help her. But, she is prettier than I am. :( I'm pathetic :(
KarenI referred a very good friend of mine several months ago to my therapist and she says that he has literally saved her life. I've even bumped into her in the waiting room and it's no problem.
>
> The best part is getting together occasionally and comparing notes. Not about therapy, but more about him (lack of ANY fashion sense, personality quirks, etc.) We always end up laughing hysterically. I hope his ears don't burn.
>
> I know how wonderful he has been for me and have no qualms referring him to others. Even though I'm in love with him, I have no problem sharing him with others. He thanked me for the referral and when I brought up the fact that maybe he felt uncomfortable that my referee and I were friends, he said it would actually probably be therapeutic in itself to talk to eachother about therapy and what we are getting out of him.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 18:31:41
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by karen_kay on November 22, 2003, at 15:49:48
Well let me clarify Karen, the friend I referred was old and grey. I don't think I could refer anyone actually prettier than I!!!! That would be too much competition. So I guess I have to "qualify" my referral. So ridiculous...
Posted by karen_kay on November 22, 2003, at 22:00:43
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 18:31:41
> Well let me clarify Karen, the friend I referred was old and grey. I don't think I could refer anyone actually prettier than I!!!! That would be too much competition. So I guess I have to "qualify" my referral. So ridiculous...
<<<<Well..... that didn't make me feel any better... um... waaaaaaa!!!!!! What did I do?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 22:54:23
In reply to Re: Sharing Your Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by karen_kay on November 22, 2003, at 22:00:43
I'm sorry! I was referring to myself as ridiculous, not you!!! Ridiculous for not wanting to refer anyone prettier than I. It seems perfectly natural when other people admit to it, but I am so hard on myself, yet ANOTHER reason I'm in therapy.
I'm very sarcastic, especially concerning myself. I have to remind myself that it does not "read" very well!!
Please forgive me! I didn't mean for it to come across so harsh, but I can see where it could, especially since you can't hear the irony and sarcasm dripping from my voice. Ah, live and learn..
Posted by karen_kay on November 23, 2003, at 7:03:57
In reply to Karen Kay - I'm sorry - misunderstanding!, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 22, 2003, at 22:54:23
I too am sarcastic. But, your post still didn't help... I guess I was wanting something like my sister would say (??) such as "Of course you are priettier that she is", or "You're a better client" or something.. anything.. Maybe when I see her again I'll just tell her what a piece of work he is. That he couldn't fix a flat tire and suggest she see someone else.. There, I feel better :)
Karen
Posted by karen_kay on November 23, 2003, at 8:19:56
In reply to No, No.. I understood! :), posted by karen_kay on November 23, 2003, at 7:03:57
But, I know I won't say anything to her. I'll actually encourage her to go and see him. But, I'll end up talking smack about her during my sessions with him if she does see him. Ah ha! That's what I can do. I'm horrible. I should talk to him about this....
> Karen
Posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 9:58:56
In reply to Re: No, No.. I understood! :), posted by karen_kay on November 23, 2003, at 8:19:56
Perhaps you could share with him that you are concerned about him seeing one of your friends - that, yes, you gave her his name, but that you would feel more comfortable if he didn't actually see her. You are his patient right now, she's not, so you have first dibs. Do you know for sure that he would treat her anyway?
P
Posted by Karen_kay on November 24, 2003, at 10:28:22
In reply to Re: No, No.. I understood! :) » karen_kay, posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 9:58:56
> Perhaps you could share with him that you are concerned about him seeing one of your friends - that, yes, you gave her his name, but that you would feel more comfortable if he didn't actually see her. You are his patient right now, she's not, so you have first dibs. Do you know for sure that he would treat her anyway?
<<<I don't know for sure that he would, but I might feel silly bringing it up. If he asks why then I would say "Because she is prettier than I am." That is truly the only reason why, competition. What if she is a better client, or he thinks she is prettier? I'm just being dumb.. Me and my big mouth. I even saw a client once who I thought was prettier than I and I asked him about her. I explained that my regular time was pushed so that she could come in and explained what she looked like. He said and I quote, "Oh, you don't have to worry about her." I felt better, but what the hell does that mean??? Sometimes I think he has a big mouth too.... I just wish I called him on it half as much as he called me on it, you know?
Karen
>
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.