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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 22:08:49
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » braxton, posted by Pfinstegg on November 17, 2003, at 21:54:26
Thanks for the response. I will be as honest as I can tomorrow. I know it will be difficult and emotional, and I am nervous. But in the end, my relationship with my therapist was a blessing.
Thanks again.
Posted by sweet77 on November 18, 2003, at 0:43:18
In reply to Transference Crisis, posted by Morgen on July 26, 2003, at 1:32:04
that is what i dont get how can the feeling not be real??? i am attracted to my therpist ... for what he is .. not for what he has done for me i dont get it
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2003, at 10:12:26
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77, posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26
Sounds like you're handling it in a mature and sensible manner.
I guess it may be too late for me to say this, since today is your appointment. But I think only the most old fashioned therapists would mind a card at the end of therapy. But if you aren't certain, a letter expressing your gratitude and summarizing all you've learned with her couldn't possibly come amiss.
Posted by stebby on November 18, 2003, at 10:51:01
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77, posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26
Braxton, I really feel for you. When my first therapist terminated it was more pain than I could bare. You do seem to be handling it in a mature manner. I think a card is definitely appropriate to express your feelings. I'm so sorry that it is happening to you. Interestingly enough, the feelings resurfaced for me eventually with my new therapist, so it seems as if some of us are just prone to this transference thing. Good luck and let us know how today went. My termination is very memorable. By the time I got home I just burst into tears and cried every day for a few weeks. I would be devastated if my new therpapist who I have now been seeing for a year terminated.
Posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » braxton, posted by stebby on November 18, 2003, at 10:51:01
I am in so much pain right now. My final session with my therapist was the shortest hour ever. I feel so sad right now. I expressed my feelings as much as I could, but left some important intimate feelings out. I feel like I just lost a best friend, a girlfriend, a mother, a sister.
Whoa. The feelings are that intense. All said, I know that my therapist knows exactly how this would affect me, based on things that I've shared with her in our sessions. I know that she knows that I would feel this way, and I believe that she genuinely cares about my well being. She would not have done it if she did not believe I could handle it. I know that these feelings will subside in a few days, but for right now it hurts.
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2003, at 21:02:16
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27
((((Braxton))))
I think you did wonderfully well. I know it hurts, but it will get better over time. It's wonderful that you have such wonderful memories, not to mention all you've learned, to carry forward with you.
Posted by stebby on November 19, 2003, at 6:51:37
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27
Braxton, I am so sorry to hear how painful this is for you. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I still think about my old therapist over a year and a half later. Those feelings are incredibly intense. You seem to have a good outlook about it, but it probably will take some time to recover. It eventually does get better though. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 8:31:12
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sweet77 on November 17, 2003, at 0:20:47
I've read the book "In Session" twice now and I still don't understand transference. Can someone explain it to me? I think in terms of black & white - I am a computer professional. I don't think my therapist is my mother or father, whatever. I care about her because of who she is, not a representation of someone in my past. To me the feelings are real, not a psychiatric theory ie - transference. So to me it is very painful, if it's not supposed to be real, because it sure feels real to me.
Posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 10:07:47
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 8:31:12
Hey sadmom
I too am a computer professional! My therapist is always frowning on my need to have everything nice and neat and logical :)
I haven't read "In Session" yet. I will probably get around to it. I get the feeling it's mostly about female patient / male therapist where as I'm female and so's my therapist. I'm totally crazy about her, despite the fact she is at least 20 years older than me and we have absolutely nothing in common.
My feelings are definitely real and can be very intense. I don't think the concept of transference means that the feelings we have are not real. I think it just means we feel the way we do because of things from our past or other areas of our lives. We are transferring our feelings from another relationship. Sometimes, certainly in the case of me and my therapist, this means that the feelings are out of proportion with what actually makes sense.
Transference does not just occur in therapy. If you think about it, almost every relationship involves transference. eg, The way I relate to men has been influenced by the way I learnt to relate my father in early life when I was first learning about how to relate to others. Consequently my relationship with my husband involves some transference. That doesn't mean I don't love him or that the feelings I have are bogus.
Another example of transference is: you have a sh*t day at work and your boss puts you down and blames you for messing something up. You get home and leave your purse on the stairs. Your husband trips over it and says "What's this doing here?" You blow your top because you feel like your being accused all over again. You have transferred your feelings towards your boss to your husband, even though he wasn't accusing you of anything.
But back to therapy, I don't think the therapist has to represent one or other of your parents. I think it's more to do with the feelings you had towards them. We can't remember what it was like being a baby when our parents meant absolutely everything to us, fulfilled all our needs, made us feel totally safe and we would cry when they left the room. That feeling is buried deep in our unconscious mind, but it is pretty powerful and seems to be awakened by the therapeutic situation.
Anyway I've rambled on enough now. Possibly complete rubbish. Let me know what you think.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 19, 2003, at 12:41:04
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sadmom, posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 10:07:47
> Lookdownfish,
"In Session" deals with all relationships, and actually, in my opinion, focuses quite a bit on female therapist/ female patient relationship. I am female and my therapist is male and I was hoping she would talk more about that particular relationship, but all of the relationships got equal treatment.
Excellent book! I couldn't find it in any of my bookstores, so I ordered it from Amazon.com
Posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 12:54:52
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sadmom, posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 10:07:47
It definitely is something buried deep in my unconsious because I don't know which past relationship it's supposed to represent. Is it supposed to be a relationship that was lacking and the reason we fall for the therapist is because she gives us the caring we never had from a former spouse or parent?
I don't have sexual feeling about my therapist who is a woman like me. You are right the book "In Session" seemed to be mostly about that.
Posted by joslynn on November 19, 2003, at 13:16:27
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 12:54:52
Braxton, Would it help if you wrote down some of the comforting things your therapist has said, while you still remember them, and refer to them later? I have a notebook where I jot down nice things my therp, pdoc and supportive friends have said. When I'm down and it's too late to call anyone, I read thru the notebook. I also have inspirational quotes from books and the Bible in there. I call it my Happy Notebook.
I'm sorry it hurts.
Posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 14:10:59
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 12:54:52
> It definitely is something buried deep in my unconsious because I don't know which past relationship it's supposed to represent. Is it supposed to be a relationship that was lacking and the reason we fall for the therapist is because she gives us the caring we never had from a former spouse or parent?
I guess so. I'm not too sure about that. I feel such a longing for my therapist, yet I feel I have quite a close relationship with my mother so it doesn't really add up. My father's dead though, and my depression started when he became terminally ill, so maybe its more to do with him. Who knows? I feel like you - it is a bit of a mystery.
> I don't have sexual feeling about my therapist who is a woman like me. You are right the book "In Session" seemed to be mostly about that.
I have ordered it - I'm sure it's worth a read.
Posted by Dinah on November 19, 2003, at 16:53:01
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis(Braxton), posted by joslynn on November 19, 2003, at 13:16:27
What a fabulous idea!
I just wish I could remember some....
Partly it's because it's not so much what he says as the calm he radiates. And partly I'm just so wound up in therapy that it's hard to remember things clearly.
Posted by Dinah on November 19, 2003, at 17:03:04
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 8:31:12
Originally transference was used only to describe feelings that we had for others and have now transferred to our therapist. But it is also used more broadly to describe all the feelings we have for our therapists.
For example, biofeedback guy reminded me of my pdoc from h*ll, so some of the dislike I felt for him probably was transference from this previous relationship. Or maybe, as my therapist told me today, there is just a certain personality type that I clash with.
My therapist certainly doesn't remind me of the parents I have, but he is the mother I wish I had.
But apart from all that, you go somewhere and sit in solitude with someone who focuses on you exclusively while you're together. Who acts only in your best interests, setting aside their own needs. Who is compassionate and empathetic. Ordinarily those circumstances come up very rarely. One time would be in early mother/child interactions. Another would be in the first stages of romantic love. We've got it coded into our genes to respond to these situations in certain ways. When our genetic imprints were being set, there was no therapy relationships, so those don't come naturally to us. We tend to respond as we do to a lover, or to a mother, just because of the circumstances which artificially mimic those relationships. And exactly how we respond, whether as a child or a lover, might say something about us. Also, how we interpret events in this highly charged atmosphere probably says a lot about how we view the world, and our characteristic interactions with others.
Yes, your feelings are real in that they are a response to the part of your therapist that you see and to the circumstances you find yourself in. Saying something is transference is in no way minimizing it. It's a very powerful force.
Posted by karen_kay on November 19, 2003, at 17:27:44
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sadmom, posted by Dinah on November 19, 2003, at 17:03:04
>Wow, Dinah!! You always amaze me! Why aren't you in school? This really doesn't have to do with this post, but your posts are always very helpful and intelligent. I really encourage you to look into going back to school. You could go part time,which would give you time to sort things out. As, you said, you still have things going on right now in your life. I really do think you sound as if you would make a great therapist. You really help to solidify concepts here on the board, why not try it in "real life"? Take another look at your post, you just might be surprised at how accurately you described transference. Just think about it again, ok? Karen
Originally transference was used only to describe feelings that we had for others and have now transferred to our therapist. But it is also used more broadly to describe all the feelings we have for our therapists.
>
> For example, biofeedback guy reminded me of my pdoc from h*ll, so some of the dislike I felt for him probably was transference from this previous relationship. Or maybe, as my therapist told me today, there is just a certain personality type that I clash with.
>
> My therapist certainly doesn't remind me of the parents I have, but he is the mother I wish I had.
>
> But apart from all that, you go somewhere and sit in solitude with someone who focuses on you exclusively while you're together. Who acts only in your best interests, setting aside their own needs. Who is compassionate and empathetic. Ordinarily those circumstances come up very rarely. One time would be in early mother/child interactions. Another would be in the first stages of romantic love. We've got it coded into our genes to respond to these situations in certain ways. When our genetic imprints were being set, there was no therapy relationships, so those don't come naturally to us. We tend to respond as we do to a lover, or to a mother, just because of the circumstances which artificially mimic those relationships. And exactly how we respond, whether as a child or a lover, might say something about us. Also, how we interpret events in this highly charged atmosphere probably says a lot about how we view the world, and our characteristic interactions with others.
>
> Yes, your feelings are real in that they are a response to the part of your therapist that you see and to the circumstances you find yourself in. Saying something is transference is in no way minimizing it. It's a very powerful force.
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 19, 2003, at 17:32:26
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis (lookdownfish), posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 19, 2003, at 12:41:04
> "In Session" deals with all relationships, and actually, in my opinion, focuses quite a bit on female therapist/ female patient relationship...
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by Dinah on November 19, 2003, at 19:07:06
In reply to Dinah, you rock!!, posted by karen_kay on November 19, 2003, at 17:27:44
I actually contacted the department, and they're sending me information on what would be necessary. Even more important, they said it didn't really matter that my degree was not really related. And I'm going to go to their introductory session in January. I still doubt anything will come of it. But at least I've got some sort of goal.
Posted by karen_kay on November 19, 2003, at 20:14:17
In reply to Re: Thanks! :) » karen_kay, posted by Dinah on November 19, 2003, at 19:07:06
> I still doubt anything will come of it. But at least I've got some sort of goal.
I wish you had as much confidence in yourself as everyone here does!!!
Posted by crushedout on November 21, 2003, at 10:21:23
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sadmom, posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 10:07:47
that was definitely not rubbish. that was an excellent explanation of transference.> Hey sadmom
>
> I too am a computer professional! My therapist is always frowning on my need to have everything nice and neat and logical :)
>
> I haven't read "In Session" yet. I will probably get around to it. I get the feeling it's mostly about female patient / male therapist where as I'm female and so's my therapist. I'm totally crazy about her, despite the fact she is at least 20 years older than me and we have absolutely nothing in common.
>
> My feelings are definitely real and can be very intense. I don't think the concept of transference means that the feelings we have are not real. I think it just means we feel the way we do because of things from our past or other areas of our lives. We are transferring our feelings from another relationship. Sometimes, certainly in the case of me and my therapist, this means that the feelings are out of proportion with what actually makes sense.
>
> Transference does not just occur in therapy. If you think about it, almost every relationship involves transference. eg, The way I relate to men has been influenced by the way I learnt to relate my father in early life when I was first learning about how to relate to others. Consequently my relationship with my husband involves some transference. That doesn't mean I don't love him or that the feelings I have are bogus.
>
> Another example of transference is: you have a sh*t day at work and your boss puts you down and blames you for messing something up. You get home and leave your purse on the stairs. Your husband trips over it and says "What's this doing here?" You blow your top because you feel like your being accused all over again. You have transferred your feelings towards your boss to your husband, even though he wasn't accusing you of anything.
>
> But back to therapy, I don't think the therapist has to represent one or other of your parents. I think it's more to do with the feelings you had towards them. We can't remember what it was like being a baby when our parents meant absolutely everything to us, fulfilled all our needs, made us feel totally safe and we would cry when they left the room. That feeling is buried deep in our unconscious mind, but it is pretty powerful and seems to be awakened by the therapeutic situation.
>
> Anyway I've rambled on enough now. Possibly complete rubbish. Let me know what you think.
>
Posted by obsessive_love on February 18, 2005, at 13:00:52
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by Still Hurting on August 12, 2003, at 0:30:54
Hello everyone... I'm new to your thread. I have big, big issues with transference. It's a very long story, but I've been involved with my psychiatrist for nearly 7 years, and our thearapy relationship has been on-again-off-again during that time. I had a big mental breakdown last fall when I started writing a novel about my experiences, and it landed me in a psychiatric hospital for the better part of 3 months. I am now seeing this doctor again, and have decided to finally tell him how I have been feeling, and how I have missed him for so long. I think I have to let out my emotions and stop bottling them up... I think he is willing to help me to work though this stuff... he told me there is nothing we can't work through together... so I trust him... I'm just scared about it. I'm glad to see there are other people out there like me who know what it is like to go through this. Also, I have a support group that I have started for people who have deep issues with transference. Not that I want to take away from this group, because I think it's great... I just thought if anyone would like to join my group for some ADDITIONAL support... here is the link: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/A_Most_Heartbreaking_Love/ . I am the moderator... Anyways... I hope to hear from you guys on transference, and maybe see some of you around. Thanks for your insight on this thread either way... I've learned a lot just reading what you've posted thus far.
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 20:02:01
In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by obsessive_love on February 18, 2005, at 13:00:52
I think it's pretty neat that you're doing something proactive about how you feel. Does it help any?
I struggled a lot with maternal transference with my therapist, but now I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I'm not sure that's the healthiest solution, but it works well for me.
Posted by obsessive_love on February 19, 2005, at 15:53:21
In reply to Welcome to Babble » obsessive_love, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 20:02:01
Posted by obsessive_love on February 19, 2005, at 15:54:44
In reply to Welcome to Babble » obsessive_love, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 20:02:01
I feel the same as you I think... at this point I'm just comfortable with it. My big crisis at this point in my life is that my husband just joined the military. Right now he is home and on inactive duty until they assign him a job title, but after he is shipped to boot camp and job training school, then he will be posted on a base. If it is one that is not in a warzone or in a remote location, I will be going with him. I'm terrified of leaving my psychiatrist. I want to stay here and be with my doc forever... But, I made a committment to my hubby and to the military career he chose. I feel so torn and so afraid. I told my doctor about it, but we have not discussed it much yet. I don't think either of us is looking forward to my leaving... I'm so sad about it already. I think my transference is a maternal sort of feeling too, even though my doc is a guy. He is just the most gentle, soothing, caring person I've ever met. It's like a soul connection... Anyways... In answer to your question... being proactive about my feelings does help a little. I like having the group a lot. It helps to have people to talk to on a deep level about these sort of things. If you would like to join, feel free to sign up. It's a really great bunch... many of us have the same sort of connections with our docs and therapists. I find that it keeps me going on the hard days when I am just too shaken up about moving to go on. Especially when I am unable to talk to my doc. Thanks for writing back... It's nice to meet you. Best regards, OL
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 19:57:44
In reply to Re: Welcome to Babble » Dinah, posted by obsessive_love on February 19, 2005, at 15:54:44
Oh, what a rotten situation. I guess losses come with the territory. I admire your resolve to overcome your fear and support your husband and his career. I admire military spouses as much as I admire those in the military.
I appreciate the offer, but unless something happens to disrupt the relationship it's not a problem to me at the moment. It's not overly intense any more. It's just a warm source of comfort. Now if anything were to jeopardize it, it would be a different story.
How long have you been seeing your therapist?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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