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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on October 27, 2003, at 21:56:41
...was the last thing I said as I left today and my Therapist said "I know but keep coming."
I guess I keep thinking that if I just say the right thing, reveal the right thing, the pain will stop. I'm looking for that Movie Miracle when everyone has the "AHA!" all around and hugs and feels better. The past if forgiven, or rectified and everyone lives happily ever after.
It just isn't true. I feel like I keep taking the bandaid off of the wound and it hasn't healed...and it hurts like hell. The worse part is I am so alone with all of it. I know I need to talk about all of this "stuff" but when I do the depression gets deeper and darker and it is really scary.
I wish I could cry -- maybe that would help. I have the week off which may have been a mistake. Too much alone time. Too much time to think. :(
I hate this. :(
Posted by Jellibabe on October 28, 2003, at 1:28:51
In reply to I Hate This..., posted by DaisyM on October 27, 2003, at 21:56:41
Oh dear DaisyM, one does have times like that. Having the week off doesn't really help. Do you have something that can occupy you a lot this week? Could you try escaping into a really good book? I find that reading really helps me when things get too much, but not everyone is a reader . . .
Sometimes I find that things heal in fits and starts, like you go through a long time when things don't appear to heal. Then, all of a sudden quite a bit of healing takes place and you go on for a while, and then something happens and sets you back again a bit. And you have to look at the same wound all over again, but it is not quite as bad as the first time.
Anyway, it is hell alright. But hang in there. You will get out of it. You are on the right road, you've started the steps, just keep going!!
Keep talking or posting too, that always helps. I am sorry you are hurting so much. Sending you so many best wishes and e-hugs. Jellibabe.
Posted by Elle2021 on October 28, 2003, at 4:45:28
In reply to I Hate This..., posted by DaisyM on October 27, 2003, at 21:56:41
I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but when I have days like what your describing I watch the Lifetime Movie Network (or just regular Lifetime...Television for Women). For some odd reason, I engrossed in the movies and it gives me a chance to escape my pain and loneliness. Hope it helps you too. Love, Elle
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 28, 2003, at 9:02:54
In reply to Re: I Hate This... » DaisyM, posted by Elle2021 on October 28, 2003, at 4:45:28
daisy,
i like to watch the home and garden channel..
i am crying as i write this..it does help a little(listening to sappy beatles songs and painting)..
hang in there..get outside..
put on some dance music and clean the toilette..lol
be good to daisy...
eat a bag of chips..
have a bath..
write in your journal..
cry..
nap..
cook a big batch of beef stew..
i will send you over a platter of good thoughts sprinkled with joy...
i think i need to eat something myself...?
be good
j
Posted by Poet on October 28, 2003, at 9:43:57
In reply to I Hate This..., posted by DaisyM on October 27, 2003, at 21:56:41
Hi Daisy,
You are in such pain, I wish I could wave a magic happiness wand and make it all change. Give you a fairy tale movie moment.
Make your week off special. Light some scented candles, take a long, warm bubblebath. Listen to music. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.
Celebrate Halloween. Watch old monster movies on TV. Decorate your house. Eat some candy.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2003, at 9:58:52
In reply to I Hate This..., posted by DaisyM on October 27, 2003, at 21:56:41
> ...was the last thing I said as I left today and my Therapist said "I know but keep coming."
>
> I guess I keep thinking that if I just say the right thing, reveal the right thing, the pain will stop. I'm looking for that Movie Miracle when everyone has the "AHA!" all around and hugs and feels better. The past if forgiven, or rectified and everyone lives happily ever after.
>
Wow. Wouldn't that be wonderful. I'd really like that too.> It just isn't true. I feel like I keep taking the bandaid off of the wound and it hasn't healed...and it hurts like hell. The worse part is I am so alone with all of it. I know I need to talk about all of this "stuff" but when I do the depression gets deeper and darker and it is really scary.
>
It really does hurt. It is really hard to balance pushing with safety. You want to get it over with, but you have go slowly or you won't be able to work on it at all. I'm sure you've talked about this pacing stuff and the depression that your "stuff" causes explicitly with your therapist?> I wish I could cry -- maybe that would help. I have the week off which may have been a mistake. Too much alone time. Too much time to think. :(
> I hate this. :(I cry. It doesn't help much.
Since you have a whole week, is there something that you always wanted to do (even if you don't feel like doing it now - I don't feel like doing anything)? 5 years ago how would you have finished this sentance: "When I have some time, I really want to..." Can you try to do that during this week off? I think it would take me a week to clean out my email. Get some new art supplies (it doesn't matter if you are "good at it" - the process can be wonderful). Go visit old ladies you don't know at a nursing home. It probably will take some effort to be busy, but I'm thinking it would really be worth it. Check out "The Women's Comfort Book" for some good ideas.
Be good to yourself. You WILL get there.
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 28, 2003, at 10:06:06
In reply to Re: I Hate This..., posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2003, at 9:58:52
fall,
i do not do "being alone" very well..
i took your adice and tried to imagine what i would say in the past about free time...
its all a drunken blurr..i couldnt wait till i could drink alone...today i move forward..
i am tring to say ..you showed me that i am making progress...it has been slow..
i needed that insight today..
thankyou fall
j
Posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2003, at 11:07:50
In reply to Re: I Hate This... » fallsfall, posted by justyourlaugh on October 28, 2003, at 10:06:06
Posted by DaisyM on October 28, 2003, at 15:52:00
In reply to That's wonderful (nm) » justyourlaugh, posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2003, at 11:07:50
Thanks for all the suggestions. I love to read and cook and hate baths and outside stuff, nature girl is not me! I know I'm pushing myself but everything feels so urgent right now. Maybe it was being trapped in LA with the fires -- a whole day in LAX will do that to a person.
We haven't talked about pacing specifically but I know when he thinks I need to give it a rest because he turns the subject -- he actually called and asked me to come back today because yesterday was so hard and he had a cancellation. So, I think I shouldn't (bother him) but I'm going to anyway.
How would I answer that question: 5 years ago, I would have said I'll write a novel. No, I still haven't done it. Or, I'd finish my PhD. Nope, haven't done that either. Or take voice lessons.
I never would have said, I'll take better care of myself because things could get ugly.
A friend gave me "Undercurrents" by Matha Manning to read. Since it is 92 degrees, I've been sitting outside reading it. JYL -- I cleaned the toilets yesterday after I got home. Boys and Bathrooms -- YUCK!
-d
Posted by DaisyM on October 28, 2003, at 22:46:30
In reply to Re: That's wonderful, posted by DaisyM on October 28, 2003, at 15:52:00
So, I went back in today and we talked about the pain. And what to do with it. And that i'm not completely alone. And, falls, about slowing down and pacing things.
Interestingly enough, we also talked about the theraputic relationship and how I keep unconsciously testing whether he is going to "be there" for me when stuff gets hard. He assured me, AGAIN, that he is in it with me and that I'm not alone. And that it is hard and I'm not weak because I need more help right now. (I heard him, and I'm trying to be ok with that part.)
I still hurt but it was a good, supportive session. Between there and here, I feel like I can cope at least one more day.
Posted by Poet on October 29, 2003, at 9:10:40
In reply to Better after session, posted by DaisyM on October 28, 2003, at 22:46:30
Daisy,
I think your therapist realizes that even though deep down you know he will be there for you, you need reassurance once and awhile. There's nothing wrong with that.
I have issues with feeling weak when I need my therapist, too. My need to always be perfect includes being the perfect therapy client. Let's both keep working on accepting that needing help is not weakness.
I'm glad you can make it through another day.
Have you thought about writing a cook book? You love to cook, it's a thought.
I envy you that you can cook. I can't even boil water. Seriously, I lit the wrong burner and blew up a ceramic tea pot and shorted out the stove. So much for perfection.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2003, at 10:11:35
In reply to Re: Better after session » DaisyM, posted by Poet on October 29, 2003, at 9:10:40
Shall we start the "Perfect Therapy Patient Club" (TPTC for short)?
My goal is to do what my therapist wants. Though he did say last time, that what he wants is for me to get better. But I still don't know what I have to do to make that happen! So I try to read so I understand what he's trying to do, what he's looking for. I listen between the lines to see what might please him (maybe some chalk for his blank slate?). It doesn't matter what I want, because obviously I don't know how to fix all this or I would have by now - so he's the expert and I'll try my hardest to guess what he wants. I don't know any other way to do it.
Posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2003, at 10:16:10
In reply to Better after session, posted by DaisyM on October 28, 2003, at 22:46:30
That sounds like a good productive session.
With my old therapist, I could feel her "holding" me when I wasn't with her. I could think of her and feel contained (like she was in control of me so I wouldn't ooze all over the place and lose my wholeness).
I don't get that with my new one - he's not as "supportive" (which probably helps me not fall as far into dependency).
Do you believe intellectually that he will be there for you? Sometimes they just have to keep proving it for us - we learned too well from others that they will desert us.
Keep the faith. Those kinds of talks are pure gold.
Posted by DaisyM on October 29, 2003, at 10:21:35
In reply to Re: Better after session » Poet, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2003, at 10:11:35
Sounds like we would have lots of members in our club. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is reading everything -- I think I have read 4 or 5 Irvin Yalom books now and a bunch of others. I admit to my Therapist that I have a high need to do it right. He is always quick to say that there is no right...but I don't think I believe that yet. There are unspoken rules and it is clear from reading that we are expected to learn how to "use therapy" --which is hard.
Poet, I like your idea about the cook book but maybe it should be Feed your Feelings-- comfort food for those in Therapy. Chapters could be anxiety foods (before), comfort foods (after) and a variety of bad day ideas.
Posted by PeggySue on October 29, 2003, at 19:07:03
In reply to Re: Better after session, posted by DaisyM on October 29, 2003, at 10:21:35
I am glad to find others in the dark. I wish I could help you. I need help myself. I hate that fact. But, Help! I give up. I don't like facing this. I want to be normal. Prozac 60mg and Concerta, 36mg (once in the morning on an empty stomach) is not getting it. Am still very irratible. Easily pop off with anger. Am not being able to sleep. Have no social life. Have no life at all other than work, eat a little, sleep a little, repeat...
Help....
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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