![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:47:45
My therapy has turned toward the torment I endured at the hands of my 5th grade "friends." I was spat on, ridiculed for my developing body and acne, kicked, and tormented in any other way that a 10-year-old mind could think of. I used to cry and beg for forgiveness for whatever "sin" I had committed; and I also would cry and say "Leave me alone!" which the other kids would mock. Can you imagine 20 kids saying, "Leave me alone!" in their whiniest voices? It was a terrible year for me.
Were you bullied? What did you do about it? Does it affect you now?
My therapist talked about Dr. Phil's "10 Defining Moments" and how this was one of them. I don't watch Dr. Phil because I'm at work, but apparently people set "rules" for themselves at these defining moments. The rule I set for myself (I'm just now realizing) is that No One Will Ever Ridicule My Emotions Again. That's why I don't show my emotions to anyone but the most intimate of friends.
I don't know that I really have any question, but I'm sharing my experience, and I'm interested in hearing anyone else's.
Hannah
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 22:20:46
In reply to Were you bullied as a kid?, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:47:45
Thank you for the subject Hannah.
I was bullied, but I was also abused. I guess that it is really hard for me to find the line between the two.
At school, I was beat up most every day. I don't remember it hurting. By that point I was very good at dissociating. I do remember it though as more evidence that I didn't belong, anywhere.
In high-school, I was once picked up and thrown across a locker room. I landed on my rear, and either bruised or broke my tailbone. I know it had been broken by x-rays, but I can't be sure when.
So.... did bullying affect my life afterward? I don't really know. I suppose that if I hadn't been abused outside the school that it might have. When, however, it was merely an extension of the abuse that I suffered elsewhere, it's like adding one more piece of wood to an already blazing fire.
Dee.
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:27:54
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid?, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 22:20:46
Oh, God, Dee. What a painful story. You didn't deserve that. That breaks my heart. I don't cry easily, but you've got my tears streaming, just imagining. Your school abuse was physical (and probably emotional.) Was your other abuse similar, or was it sexual? You don't have to answer, if you'd prefer not to. If you were here, right now, I'd give you a hug. (((Dee)))
Posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:01:35
In reply to Were you bullied as a kid?, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:47:45
Dear Hannah,
I am sending a safe gentle hug if ok to the little girl that was tormented and hurt so cruelly...
I do believe that those moments of hopelessness and of feeling worthless do shape your heart somehow...
Like Dee I was abused as a child and as a teenager till my father had to be hospitalized when I was 19.
In primary school I was really shy, I would not talk at all, and I remember the other kids would make fun of me and kick me and be cruel towards me but I just thought it was 'normal'.I remember a group of 5 boys that would chase me and throw themselves on me and I couldn't breathe..But my heart was...lost..because of what was happening at home, inside I had given up hope..So I just learnt to hide my feelings and fly away in my mind...(sorry for sharing all this)
Like you, I learnt not to show emotions either, because whenever I cried or begged, things would just get worse or I would be punished or told how bad or stupid I was...
It is hard to let go of that lesson...
I am glad that you are talking about it in therapy..I want to send lots of safety and understanding to the little girl in you.
love,
Adia.
> My therapy has turned toward the torment I endured at the hands of my 5th grade "friends." I was spat on, ridiculed for my developing body and acne, kicked, and tormented in any other way that a 10-year-old mind could think of. I used to cry and beg for forgiveness for whatever "sin" I had committed; and I also would cry and say "Leave me alone!" which the other kids would mock. Can you imagine 20 kids saying, "Leave me alone!" in their whiniest voices? It was a terrible year for me.
>
> Were you bullied? What did you do about it? Does it affect you now?
>
> My therapist talked about Dr. Phil's "10 Defining Moments" and how this was one of them. I don't watch Dr. Phil because I'm at work, but apparently people set "rules" for themselves at these defining moments. The rule I set for myself (I'm just now realizing) is that No One Will Ever Ridicule My Emotions Again. That's why I don't show my emotions to anyone but the most intimate of friends.
>
> I don't know that I really have any question, but I'm sharing my experience, and I'm interested in hearing anyone else's.
>
> Hannah
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 23:12:50
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? » HannahW, posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:01:35
Dear Adia--
Was it sexual? I know I have some sexual abuse in my past, but I can't quite access the memories. My older sisters were sexually abused by our grandfather, so it seems only logical that I was too, although I only remember things that were inappropriate, but not unlawful. --Like he used to nibble on my ear, and I actually really liked the attention. But I don't remember anything beyond that, thank goodness. I'm sure it happened, though.
Five boys...how awful. How old were you? I keep telling people that it's hard for me to cry--although I've been crying a lot lately--the image I get in my mind brings tears to my eyes.
And if your father abused you until you were 19...good God...Honey, I'm so sorry.If you're like me, you carry the shame of having been abused. What a ridiculous notion--that anyone could *deserve* the kind of abuse we endured. Here's to ridding ourselves of the shame, and placing the blame where it belongs...
We'll get over it, Adia. We're going our best, and we'll win in the end.
Hannah
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 23:28:47
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? » deirdrehbrt, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:27:54
*triggers, abuse*
I suppose that this gives me an opportunity do do some of what my therapist wants me to do. I am supposed to recognize that what I went through was really severe. I still have a difficult time admitting that I was abused, and an even more difficult time admitting that I have DID (multiple personality disorder) as a result.
I really had no idea that I had been abused until I was about 40 years old. There were some things in my life that I thought were strange, but never pieced them together. When I was about 29, I went to a chiropractor who took an X-ray. He asked me when I had broken my hips (both), and I said that I hadn't. He showed me the X-ray, and I could see the breaks. There were some other weird things like that.
Last year, I was at a meeting, and one woman was talking about getting hit with yardsticks, etc. as a form of punishment. That was when the light finally went on. I was listening to her and thinking "How can she think that was severe? yardsticks don't hurt.... they break. Paddle-ball paddles don't hurt.... they break."
I went back to my therapist's office after that, and we started looking at the abuse. I had never had a context for it. I didn't know what a normal family was.
So.... a bit of what went on in my family. My dad didn't hit us with his hands (much). He had a leather shaving strop. If we were to be getting a beating with it, we had to go and get it. My father would be counting, so if we took too long, we got more swipes.
My mother used the yardsticks and paddles. She once, after both had broken, and when I made the mistake of smiling, tried to slap me across the face. I put my arm up and blocked it, and therefore got a beating with the strap.
With my DID, I was able to dissociate, and wouldn't feel the beatings. I had to learn to cry to let them think I was actually feeling it.
I was hit once over the head with a hammer, by my brother.
One winter, two of my brothers took a block of ice and broke it over my head.
I remember being chaced through my back yard by my brother who was weilding a running chainsaw.
Another time, someone I didn't know grabbed me from behind, with a knife at my throat, looking for my brother.
I would get beatings for lying, where I would be told that I had been seen somewhere doing something. I had no memory of doing it. Now, I know that was my DID.
This past year, I was in the hospital. I looked at a newspaper, and there was an article about a priest being convicted of sexual assault. I was immediately triggered. I remembered the number of priests through our house. My brother was assaulted by one. He and I would both spend a great deal of time at the rectory, and at the priests camp. I drove by that camp once a year ago, and did nothing but cry.
While at the hospital, a nurse was asking about my hips and the type of injury. She told me that with that type of injury, my hips would dislocate easily. As far back as I remember, my hips have been dislocating.
I've been able to dissociate for as long as I remember. I feel almost no pain. 2 months ago, I was hit by a car. Never felt it.
In short, I have a lot of work to do. I think that I must be stupid to try and say that I wasn't badly abused. I usually use the excuse that I don't remember my hips being broken. Dumb or what?
With only what is here, I should realize that I was severely abused. I should be able to accept that my DID is real.
For tonight, I was abused. The DID is real. What I experienced was bad. For tonight, I believe.
I hope this doesn't bother too many people too much.
Dee.
Posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:33:19
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid?, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 23:12:50
Dear Hannah,
Thank you for sharing with me...and yes I do feel there's hope and healing for us :o)Have you been able to share all this with your therapist? That takes so much courage.
I have tried to tell my therapist, I have never been able to verbalize the things that happened, only what I feel now, the flashbacks and what happens when I try to be intimate with my b/f (we're about to break up because I can't stand being touched at all)..
My father abused me sexually and physically, I have memories from when I was in primary school, when I was 7...I was 9 when those boys at school would chase me. I felt it had something to do with me being bad. I too carried the shame...the feeling of I must be bad for this to happen and because I somehow let it continue for so long and I couldn't stop it.It went on while I was in high school, but I would try not to be at home so much..but I was totally powerless to stop him.Crying is good...I am glad you've been able to cry...I can cry alone too...
I have been drawing...trying to put into something tangible the pictures in my mind..and it helps to make some sense of things..
I am so sorry you suffered abuse and you carry the shame.You are right and we should have no shame...and put the blame right where it belongs. We did nothing wrong...absolutely nothing wrong.Thank you so much for sharing with me so honestly and from your heart. It means so much to me!
Sending you all my support and wishing you healing,Adia.
> Dear Adia--
>
> Was it sexual? I know I have some sexual abuse in my past, but I can't quite access the memories. My older sisters were sexually abused by our grandfather, so it seems only logical that I was too, although I only remember things that were inappropriate, but not unlawful. --Like he used to nibble on my ear, and I actually really liked the attention. But I don't remember anything beyond that, thank goodness. I'm sure it happened, though.
>
> Five boys...how awful. How old were you? I keep telling people that it's hard for me to cry--although I've been crying a lot lately--the image I get in my mind brings tears to my eyes.
> And if your father abused you until you were 19...good God...Honey, I'm so sorry.
>
> If you're like me, you carry the shame of having been abused. What a ridiculous notion--that anyone could *deserve* the kind of abuse we endured. Here's to ridding ourselves of the shame, and placing the blame where it belongs...
>
> We'll get over it, Adia. We're going our best, and we'll win in the end.
>
> Hannah
Posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:40:38
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? trigger, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 23:28:47
Hi...
I have tears ...and want so much to reach out to you...
I am so sorry you were so badly hurt..
and I think it takes lots of courage to be able to tell yourself the truth...
I too was abused and I tend to minize it all, and I find it terribly hard to put into words..to tell my therapist in words..She says I just give her the titles of things...and that I can't even say the words..I can't even say I was abused out loud...
I think it is sooooo important that you can say the words and at least that you can say the words to yourself..and admit that you were badly abused and that you should never have been...
For me, it is hard to say I was abused out loud and to talk or share the things that were done to me because I fear what that will say about me...
I fear that will mean I am bad, or worthless. I fear I won't ever be able to wash that dirtiness off me or feel peace in my heart.
But being able to say the words and to tell is a BIG BIG STEP and it takes lots of courage...
I am here with you...
Thank you for sharing..
Maybe if we talk about these things we should add a warning or something in case others feel triggered...I feel the same fear if I mention those things..I am with you and I am glad you could share this tonight...
Thank you..
hope and healing,
Adia.> *triggers, abuse*
> I suppose that this gives me an opportunity do do some of what my therapist wants me to do. I am supposed to recognize that what I went through was really severe. I still have a difficult time admitting that I was abused, and an even more difficult time admitting that I have DID (multiple personality disorder) as a result.
> I really had no idea that I had been abused until I was about 40 years old. There were some things in my life that I thought were strange, but never pieced them together. When I was about 29, I went to a chiropractor who took an X-ray. He asked me when I had broken my hips (both), and I said that I hadn't. He showed me the X-ray, and I could see the breaks. There were some other weird things like that.
> Last year, I was at a meeting, and one woman was talking about getting hit with yardsticks, etc. as a form of punishment. That was when the light finally went on. I was listening to her and thinking "How can she think that was severe? yardsticks don't hurt.... they break. Paddle-ball paddles don't hurt.... they break."
> I went back to my therapist's office after that, and we started looking at the abuse. I had never had a context for it. I didn't know what a normal family was.
> So.... a bit of what went on in my family. My dad didn't hit us with his hands (much). He had a leather shaving strop. If we were to be getting a beating with it, we had to go and get it. My father would be counting, so if we took too long, we got more swipes.
> My mother used the yardsticks and paddles. She once, after both had broken, and when I made the mistake of smiling, tried to slap me across the face. I put my arm up and blocked it, and therefore got a beating with the strap.
> With my DID, I was able to dissociate, and wouldn't feel the beatings. I had to learn to cry to let them think I was actually feeling it.
> I was hit once over the head with a hammer, by my brother.
> One winter, two of my brothers took a block of ice and broke it over my head.
> I remember being chaced through my back yard by my brother who was weilding a running chainsaw.
> Another time, someone I didn't know grabbed me from behind, with a knife at my throat, looking for my brother.
> I would get beatings for lying, where I would be told that I had been seen somewhere doing something. I had no memory of doing it. Now, I know that was my DID.
> This past year, I was in the hospital. I looked at a newspaper, and there was an article about a priest being convicted of sexual assault. I was immediately triggered. I remembered the number of priests through our house. My brother was assaulted by one. He and I would both spend a great deal of time at the rectory, and at the priests camp. I drove by that camp once a year ago, and did nothing but cry.
> While at the hospital, a nurse was asking about my hips and the type of injury. She told me that with that type of injury, my hips would dislocate easily. As far back as I remember, my hips have been dislocating.
> I've been able to dissociate for as long as I remember. I feel almost no pain. 2 months ago, I was hit by a car. Never felt it.
> In short, I have a lot of work to do. I think that I must be stupid to try and say that I wasn't badly abused. I usually use the excuse that I don't remember my hips being broken. Dumb or what?
> With only what is here, I should realize that I was severely abused. I should be able to accept that my DID is real.
> For tonight, I was abused. The DID is real. What I experienced was bad. For tonight, I believe.
> I hope this doesn't bother too many people too much.
> Dee.
Posted by HannahW on October 10, 2003, at 0:01:31
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? trigger, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 23:28:47
Oh, God, Dee! I'm speechless. How can someone responsible for caring for us as children abuse that power for unspeakable gratification.
That *is* severe. Although I understand that it's essential for you to face it, I also understand why you wouldn't want to. You must think that if you can't trust your family, who can you trust? Me, and the rest of here on Babble, for starters.
Honey, oh my God, I feel so inadequate to even address your pain. All I know is it wasn't your fault, no matter what kinds of "heinous" crimes you committed. No one deserves that, least of all you. I hope you can find the courage to talk about what I imagine must feel so shameful and hideous. *YOU* are good, and clean, and pure. You deserve peace and happiness, and I wish it for you in its fullest.
Hannah
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2003, at 18:34:41
In reply to Were you bullied as a kid?, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:47:45
Trying to figure out what my experience taught me.
It wasn't be nice to others. My mother had me well trained before I entered kindergarten on that one.
It wasn't that others couldn't be trusted. I had trained myself on that one before I entered kindergarten.
I guess it reinforced both of those.
And it made me perfectly comfortable with being an outsider. If those were insiders I didn't want to have anything to do with the rest of the human race.
I switched to a high school where I tentatively regained some faith in the human race.
Oh, and it left me with a fury to those in authority who could help vulnerable people in their care, but don't. I was just as angry with the teachers as the kids.
Oh, and I was also reminded of the importance of keeping guns out of the hands of kids. I can at the very least picture myself shooting myself in front of those kids. Life was just that bad.
I'm glad adults are taking bullying more seriously nowadays.
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:22:48
In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? » HannahW, posted by Dinah on October 10, 2003, at 18:34:41
(((((Hannah)))))
(((((Deirdrehbrt)))))
(((((Adia)))))
(((((Dinah)))))Why is it that unspeakable abuse produces people with as much compassion and kindness as the group of you have? You lived through being taught over and over again how worthless you were, but you treat other people as if they are worth everything in the world. You are such a giving group.
I was not abused - merely emotionally neglected. When I hear your stories it is incomprehensible to me that people (adults) could do the things you describe - yet I know that it is true. My heart goes out to you.
Please know that even though others in your past have treated you as if you have no worth, I believe that you have great worth. I hope that you find others who see your worth, and that you will be able to start to see it yourself.
(((((Hannah)))))
(((((Deirdrehbrt)))))
(((((Adia)))))
(((((Dinah)))))P.S. Hannah, yes, your campaign is making a dent in my armor. You are very special.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.