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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on July 27, 2003, at 8:41:34
A good friend of mine has DID and BPD.
She is preparing to move. Lately, she has shifted from a reasonable person to an immensely manipulative, rude person.
For example, I have done a lot of favors in preparing her to move, and have done extra things even when not feeling well to help. (For example due to her knee condition, moving an unwieldy conditioner from one hot attic apartment to her home on the hottest day of summer.)
However, because there was _one_ favor I could not do, she has become quite childish and is treating me with reluctant kindness.
This included making a hand-decorated cardn about how I've been a good friend all these years. And then, in the note, writing: "And thanks for doing me that favor!" and crossing the favor part out in a straight line so I could read through the line. The effect, I think was to make me feel guilty for not doing the _one_ favor, and to sort of 'cancel out' the rest of good things the card said.
What the hell is this all about? I don't even know how to respond. Obviously, this is black and white thinking -- she is weighing one favor I could not do against numerous ones I have done and my friendship over the years. Using the one favor I can't do as proof that I never cared.
I am beginning to understand why other friends fled after she became ill. But, I don't want to flee -- she's moving soon anyways -- I want to put up appropriate boundaries and have an appropriate response.
Any insight to this? What's an effective way to respond?
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2003, at 11:12:48
In reply to questions for people with DID/Borderline PD, posted by bookgurl99 on July 27, 2003, at 8:41:34
I think the only thing I have to contribute is that she's probably trying to deal with what seems to her to be overwhelming pain (moving, losing everything she's accustomed to) in the only way she can. And that way might include devaluating the things she's losing. So it probably isn't personal.
She might lack better coping skills to contain her painful feelings.
That's about all I can offer, and I hope it's somehow helpful.
Posted by noa on July 27, 2003, at 12:05:43
In reply to Re: questions for people with DID/Borderline PD » bookgurl99, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2003, at 11:12:48
Bookgurl,
I know that when I'm in a big transition, I'm vulnerable to regressing some. Maybe this is what is going on? If so, wait and see if she can return to a better state after things settle down some (I suspect it may take a while, though).
Posted by judy1 on July 27, 2003, at 14:00:11
In reply to questions for people with DID/Borderline PD, posted by bookgurl99 on July 27, 2003, at 8:41:34
having had that borderline label in my early 20's (I really did outgrow it), I have to agree with noa that stress really pushes you into that black and white thinking. I hope you're able to understand what's happening to her- which I know is really difficult because even therps have difficulty with it. Realize it's not personal, that that type of behavior is reserved for one's closest family and friends (which I assume you are)- it's kind of a push-pull coping skill. I love you but you can't possibly love/care about me because I don't love/care about myself. Did that make sense? Once she has moved and settled try to get close again and you may be pleasently surprised. best of luck, judy
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