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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
I've noticed a pattern with therapists. The first few sessions or ten, they're attentive, alert, whatever. Then I lose their attention. I'm not that interesting any more. Or they think they've "made the sale" so they slack a bit. A few sessions into this, they start cutting sessions short. (But not their fees.)
Well, TurboShrink did that today. It's only my third session with her alone. (Saw her a few times with DH as well.)
My appointment was at 5, and I arrive 5 minutes early. The previous clients come out just as I get there, and offer to hold the door open for me. (One has to be buzzed in.) I decline, saying that the shrink probably needs a few minutes to collect herself. I sit on the steps until the city hall bell strikes five, then I ring. She buzzes me in, sits me down ... and excuses herself to go to the toilet.
A few minutes into the session, the doorbell rings. It's the previous clients, who've forgotten some papers. (Last session, the therapist's daughter came by.)
Should I act upset when this stuff happens? I usually just smile and brush it off, say I understand, it's not a problem, blah blah.
This shrink is pretty solid ... at first I thought she was stuffed to the gills with Freud (and she +is+ pretty deeply seeped in him) but she's full of practical behavioral stuff too. I don't want to "lose" her by whatever behavior of mine has caused so many previous shrinks to nod off. Is it time for me to get tough?
Posted by Mark H. on November 21, 2002, at 19:42:09
In reply to HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking, posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
Hi Medusa,
Long-term therapeutic valleys can be boring and seem unproductive, but sometimes they are just what I need. As a client, I don't necessarily want to soak through my shirt *every* Monday evening and feel trashed for the rest of the week. :-)
If I have two or three profound "ah-hahs" over the course of a year of therapy, I figure I've got my money's worth and then some.
My therapist tells me that there's a predictable phase in the therapeutic process when the client begins to notice (and resent) his being 5 minutes late or taking time to talk about his own (relevant) experience. I've reached that spot a couple of times, and I suspect it is part of transference, at least for me.
If I were better motivated to maximize what I get from the process, I'd do my homework, write down questions as they arose during the week, keep a journal, prioritize the things I wanted to change about myself, and really work on them. But generally, I'm at once too busy with work and too lazy (when I'm not at work) to do that.
I like to take breaks from therapy, and even plan for them. For instance, if I'm seeing a counselor I haven't worked with before, I might commit to four sessions with her/him to begin with. Then, if the interaction has been beneficial, I might commit to an additional six months or a year, depending on my circumstances and goals for the process.
If I don't set a date for exit (or at least re-evaluation), then I tend to let my therapy become more a source of maintenance and support than growth. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm clear with myself that that's what I'm using it for.
Honesty can be wonderfully disarming. If I were your situation, I'd ask my therapist outright if she is becoming bored with me and, if so, why that is. If I didn't like the answer (and weren't willing to do anything to change it), then I'd look for a different therapist. Even outstanding therapists aren't necessarily right for everyone.
Best wishes,
Mark H.
Posted by Pfinstegg on November 21, 2002, at 21:01:38
In reply to HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking, posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
Your time with your therapist is entirely yours- there shouldn't be any interruptions, such as going to the bathroom AFTER you are in the room, or answering the door to deliver papers to people who have forgotten them. And there should never be any cutting short of the time. It's the therapist's job to focus entirely on you, so that you can begin to feel worthwhile, develop trust and grow in the ways you want to. You aren't supposed to be entertaining for the therapist- you just need to be you. It seems as though you are blaming yourself for what sounds like therapist short-comings. You may have a skilled therapist whom you would like to continue with, but you MUST tell her how you feel about the delays and interruptions. I don't think it's possible to try to do something as difficult as therapy if you can't count on your therapist's full attention and time.
Pfinstegg
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2002, at 22:30:11
In reply to Re: HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking » Medusa, posted by Pfinstegg on November 21, 2002, at 21:01:38
Every once in a while I bring up my therapist's penchant for making up time with me. If he's running late when I come in, he rarely is when I leave. I don't mind so much if we're at a natural cutoff; well ok, i do since I like to wind down with ten minutes left and I think he takes that as permission to pack up, when I see it as decompression. He's only let our session run over twice in the seven years I've seen him. But I do bring it up with him when I'm feeling irritated about it.
But, he also takes my calls without extra charge or complaint, so I figure I get some time back there. Plus, he does have many other fine and useful qualities.
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 22, 2002, at 23:47:48
In reply to HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking, posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
[Posted by judy1 on November 22, 2002, at 13:01:34]
> Taking this month break (and counting) has been a wonderful way to be objective about my shrink or therapist's shortcomings. I agree with Mark that some transference has come in to play with my anger when my shrink talks about himself (although 50 minutes out of an hour IS a bit much), and also agree with the suggestion of being honest. I used to feel guilty about being depressed, especially when my shrink absolutely adored me when hypomanic (not manic), but I also realized I was not there to entertain but to get help. If it helps you to write out what's irritating you then by all means do so- your therapist can't read your mind. I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by ShelliR on November 23, 2002, at 19:05:26
In reply to HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking, posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
Hi Medusa,
You've only been to three sessions; it might be best to hold off in discussing time issues until you are a bit more sure that it *is* her pattern.
It's not that I'm one for avoiding conflict with therapists (afterall, if they can't handle it, that's a pretty bad sign); however, you've made a good start with her concerning your issues, and it would be a shame to pull you off track for no reason.
If the time issues continue to come up, then to avoid discussing them *would* distract from your therapy.
The general protocol where I live is 50 minute sessions. Sessions are set on on the hour or half-hour which leaves therapists ten minutes between sessions to use the phone, the bathroom, whatever. Some years ago, I began seeing a therapist whose sessions were only 45 minutes, AND she left no time between appointments. So included in that 45 minutes was her last client leaving, then me coming in. I figure we were losing at least five more minutes each session. I already hadn't liked the idea of a 45 minute session; I found 40 minutes unacceptable and terminated with her after just a couple of sessions.
Aside from the time issue, are there other ways that therapists act to make you perceive that they are losing interest after a limited number of sessions? If this comes up with your present therapist, I would think it would be very important to talk about, to reality check. I find it very hard to believe that after a few sessions, therapists simply don't find you interesting anymore. I mean, they're there to help you; you're not there to entertain them.
Shelli
Posted by Ayesha on November 26, 2002, at 9:11:15
In reply to HELP! déjà vu all over again, therapist slacking, posted by Medusa on November 21, 2002, at 14:25:27
Hi
I'd firstly like to point out, when u worry about ur therapist being bored by you, well you're not there to entertain him/her, u are there for YOUR needs and it is HER job to assist you etc.
I personally would think it very rude to be continuously interrupted if it were my time and money presuming you pay (I'm from the UK so I'm not sure).
However, don't take it personally its no fault of yours. Still, I would be assertive and point out your concerns, reminding her that you value her advice etc. but would appreciate her full attention.
I'm sure that neither the therapist nor the other people who interrupted meant you any harm (especially if they were the same people holding the door open, sign of politeness not often seen here in the UK!), but its ignorance that causes people to do silly things like that.
If it doesn't happen often, then I wouldnt be too bothered, but if this is happening nearly everytime you go there you must be more assertive. You don't have to lose your temper but speak out. I work in a newsagent, if I had a queue in front of me and told everyone to wait til I got back from the toilets, how do you think they'd react? (ok I'd make a allowances because my job requires me to work fast, minutes count whereas sessions can last a lot longer)hope you find something/anything i said useful :)
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