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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by likelife on November 11, 2002, at 22:02:03
So, the other day, I felt compelled to write a 3-page letter to my therapist, explaining why I've been acting strange, and have generally been talking around issues, rather than about them for the past couple of months (I've been in therapy with her for 2+ years).
I've cycled in and out of major depressive episodes for some time now, and a few months ago, started down into another one. Things are stable now, but precarious.
I told her I wanted to be held by her, or to hold onto her physically (she is female and so am I), and now I'm feeling generally humiliated about the whole thing. I sent the letter about a week ago, and have an appointment with her about a week from now. I'm considering ditching therapy at this point, because I don't know how to get over this embarrassment. Granted, I haven't heard from her yet, and so don't know how she will react, but I'm scared nonetheless. I dismissed the idea that this was a transference thing, my wanting to see her as the ideal mother. I just happen to have a closer relationship with her than I do with practically anyone else (except my husband).
I could use some advice from someone who's maybe been in a similar situation (I hope I'm not the only one). I haven't felt this ashamed in a long time.
Thanks.
Posted by Miller on November 12, 2002, at 6:50:54
In reply to mistake?, posted by likelife on November 11, 2002, at 22:02:03
Of course you are not the only one that has said or done something that you regret with your therapist.
I decided I was going to kill myself on Labor Day weekend. So I cancelled all of my appointments including the one with my psychologist for the Tuesday after. When I cancelled, he answered the phone (never happens unless I DON'T want to talk to him). I told him I just needed a break. He was with someone at the time so really couldn't talk. I could tell he was very irritated with me.
He called me the next day (at my job) and said if I really wanted to cancel the appointment, fine, but he was leaving the appointment open. If I came - great! If not, I didn't even have to call.
Well, Labor Day weekend came and I (obviously) did not kill myself. So now I was really embarrassed about the whole cancellation thing with my shrink. Should I suck it up and go to the appointment? Should I blow him off and continue on my miserable way without therapy?
I ended up writing a three page letter explaining alot of my frustrations and issues that I am uncomfortable with in therapy. I brought the letter with me to the session. I was so relieved. He did not make a big deal of the fact I was there, nor did he try to make me feel like crap for trying to cancel. I never told him the reason I had tried to cancel, but I think he was able to see my uncertainty more clearly after that.
All this is leading up to my advise to go see your therapist. As uncomfortable as you feel now, I bet it will all work out for the best. I am sure she realises your need for intimacy with her due to the relationship of counselor/patient. She will probably surprise you and this could be a GOOD turning point in your therapy.
Consider the absolute WORST scenerio. If it comes true (doubtful) than you move on or work from there.
Please let us know how it turns out. I, for one, think it is impressive that you were able to share so honestly with ANYONE. You should be applauded, not embarrassed.
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on November 12, 2002, at 7:49:31
In reply to mistake?, posted by likelife on November 11, 2002, at 22:02:03
Ah, Lifelike, I can't count the number of things I've done around my therapist that, to me, were totally embarassing. Including letters. And I once told him I had spent an especially stressful week wanting to curl up on his lap (I have a maternal transference to him). He has always acted like the professional and helped me feel less embarassed by them. And it always turned out fine.
If your therapist is a professional, she won't be discombobulated by your letter, and she will understand how much you risked by sending it. She will probably react in a professional and therapeutic way.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your therapist, or what the rules are. But my therapist would hate it if I stewed over something like this for a couple of weeks. He'd far prefer that I call him, ask him if he had received the letter, and confided that I was now reluctant to go to therapy. Then he'd probably tell me everything was ok and to please not feel too embarassed to come in, that everything would be fine.
And I again recommend the book "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists" by Deborah Lott. It talks about how therapy sets up an intimate situation, and the reactions that we have to that intimate situation.
Dinah
Posted by judy1 on November 12, 2002, at 11:32:52
In reply to mistake?, posted by likelife on November 11, 2002, at 22:02:03
I think it's great you wrote your feelings out- it will help the whole therapeutic process, afterall no therapist is a mind-reader. As far as being embarrassed, here I'll make you feel better- I have very blatently come on to my shrink sexually (not by letter, but in person), and he has handled it professionally- which in retrospect I was testing. So don't worry, it sounds as if you will have lots to talk about next session, and I just bet it will help your therapy move along.
Take care, judy
Posted by deets on November 12, 2002, at 13:00:06
In reply to mistake?, posted by likelife on November 11, 2002, at 22:02:03
Hi. I, too, think of my therapist as an ideal mother-figure. (I often fantasize about curling up in her lap & crying, etc.) I have discussed being afraid of our relationship ending if I make a mistake or get too well. One day I was dancing around the subject of being afraid of the end of our relationship because I was embarrassed so, finally, she asked "Are you talking about our relationship?" The way she asked me, I could tell that it was okay for me to be attatched to her. I was also glad the she considered us to have "relationship" rather than a business deal. I even told her that I see her as a mother-figure. She remained completely professional, but promised me that our relationship wouldn't end until I was ready and it was completely my decision. Although I thought it would be, discussing our relationship and my attatchment to her wasn't embarrasing at all. And now I have the assurance that she'll be there for me and I can always count on her.
Posted by likelife on November 12, 2002, at 19:46:36
In reply to Re: mistake?, posted by Miller on November 12, 2002, at 6:50:54
Miller,
Thanks for your comments. It's so helpful just to know that there are other people out there who share your same concerns.
Writing letters to my therapist has kind of been my way of saying the things I can't possibly say in person, and, from time to time, I find myself in the position of really worrying about what I have written (though I've never tried to fish a letter out of the mailbox :)).
My worst case scenario is that she would get totally freaked out, and refuse to see me anymore. This has been a fear of mine throughout therapy, as she has been the one therapist (out of 5 or 6) that I haven't left yet, either because I thought I couldn't take it anymore, or I moved to a different state. And, while she has reassured me countless times that she can handle anything I bring up, and that she has no current plans of going anywhere, I still harbor this huge fear. Others have talked about fears of abandonment in other posts, and it's been helpful to read those as well. I just wish I knew where this fear came from, and how I can possibly get over it (since the "data" coming from my therapist having not left doesn't seem to be helping--I don't know if that really makes sense).
Anyways, thanks again for your post. I'm still waffling over whether or not to see my therapist, but I haven't canceled the appointment yet, so we'll see.
Likelife
Posted by likelife on November 12, 2002, at 19:51:18
In reply to Re: mistake? » likelife, posted by Dinah on November 12, 2002, at 7:49:31
Dinah,
It was helpful to read your comments. I've been reading your posts for awhile, and you always have something good to say :)
It's funny, but after two years, I'm still not sure how my therapist would "want" me to act in this situation. For some reason, I have a hard time reading her reactions, and I don't know if this comes primarily from me, or if she's partially responsible. My interpersonal communication skills are obviously not the best.
The book you recommended looks great--I'll have to check it out.
Thanks again,
likelife
Posted by likelife on November 12, 2002, at 19:52:43
In reply to Re: mistake?, posted by Miller on November 12, 2002, at 6:50:54
Miller,
I forgot to add to my last post: As trite as it may sound, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself over Labor Day.
Take care,
likelife
Posted by Miller on November 13, 2002, at 8:21:09
In reply to Re: mistake? » Miller, posted by likelife on November 12, 2002, at 19:46:36
Hello Lifelike,
I am glad I was able to help. I too am much more able to write my thoughts and feelings to my shrink. So far, he has gotten three REALLY long letters.
I'll tell you one more story that should help you to decide to go to your appointment. I have been very distrubed by the fact that I think my shrink doesn't worry about my suicidal talk. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. On one hand, I feel a temptation to harm myself out of spite. (See, I told you so type of behaviour.) And on the other hand I feel if I do kill myself I wouldn't want him to be blamed or feel like it was his fault. Anyway, I posted asking for advise from others.
So, on Monday night I decided that I would call and leave a message for him on his machine telling him that he made me angry. He, of course, answered the phone when I called. (That only happens when I DON'T want to talk to him.) So, I told him everything. I was scared to death I was going to piss him off. It is my fear that if I challange him or make him mad, he won't want to help me anymore.
The good news is that he told me I did not make him mad and that he and I are a team trying to get me to feel better. He said he wants to tell me not to worry about his feelings or reactions but he realises I will anyway. He assured me as long as I want and need his help, he will be there.
My next appoinment is next week. He said we will talk about my anger with him as well as my fears right away. He said he wants to think through everything I said so he can better understand my concerns.
The moral of the story is that although I thought the call would be a negative, he sees it as a positive. Trust the fact that your thought process is tainted by your depression and fears. Your therapist will be able to look at ALL angles of your concerns. Trust her.
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2002, at 10:50:48
In reply to Re: mistake?, posted by Miller on November 13, 2002, at 8:21:09
I'm glad you decided to discuss it with your therapist. And I'm glad it worked out well for you. Being open with therapists generally does. :)
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2002, at 11:38:51
Originally posted by Miller
> I know it generally works out alright, but it is the honesty and risk before that is the killer. Do you know what I mean? There is so much I want to say that I feel like I can't. And it just isn't one reason, it is many. Will I piss him off? Will he pass judgement on me? Will he be disappointed in me? Does he think I am a big baby and not really sick? Etc., etc., etc.
>
> I wish I knew how to get over it and let it all out instead of suffering for weeks and then sugar-coating it when I do release.
>
> Any suggestions?
>
> -Miller
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2002, at 11:48:08
In reply to Re: Mistake-Dinah » Miller, posted by Dinah on November 13, 2002, at 11:38:51
Wish I did, Miller.
I think at some point, you learn to trust your therapist enough, and then you screw up your courage and make that big leap of faith, trusting him to be there to steady you when you land. And then after the first couple of times, it gets easier and easier, assuming he acted professionally the first time and showed that he warranted your trust.
And even then there may be areas where you still have to screw up your courage and make that leap of faith. I know my therapist has some tender spots, and I'm always afraid to bring things up that touch them. But in the end, although I'm careful how I word things, I do trust him enough to come clean. And I forgive his occasional lapses. And I know that even if he gets angry with me, he won't terminate me over it. Even if he thinks I could do better in certain areas, he won't despise me overall. And even if he sometimes thinks I'm crazy as a loon (grin), he still has my best interests in mind.
But that level of trust was built up by my taking chances. For the first five years, our therapeutic relationship was not strong. I constantly tested him, but seldom risked much.
Posted by Miller on November 13, 2002, at 16:13:18
In reply to Re: Mistake-Dinah » Dinah, posted by Dinah on November 13, 2002, at 11:48:08
Well, I hope I will be able to come clean with my shrink. I can honestly say that I have told him more than anyone else has ever known. I can't see myself ever being 100% open and honest with anyone. So, I guess that limits my shrink's ability to help me, huh?
This is the end of the thread.
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