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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mashogr8 on July 10, 2002, at 14:22:59
I just got home from my 8th funeral in less than a year. Two funerals were for an uncle, 90, who lived life to the fullest. The other was for a 67 year old man who had a wonderful family yet suffered terribly from the effectss of diabetes. Three wwere for parents of students at the school I work at and one was for a 44 year old cousin who just died in her sleep. Last July 13, an 8 year old student of mine died of bone cancer. This June 24, a 6 year old stludent of mine died when he tried to stop a lawn tractor from rolling down the hill and he was run over by the tractor. And today, I went to the funeral of the 18 year old brother of another one of my students..This young man was a Marine who was murdered by a disturbed National Guardsman who had followed him into a bathroom, hit the Marine on the head and then shot him in the back of the head. He took the Marine's car keys, ids and the Marine's car so he could drive thirty minutes away to kill his estranged wife who wasn't even there. Instead he shot her sister and then turned the gun on himself. This Marine was only minutes from his home. He had come home on the fourth of July to propose to his girlfriend who just graduated high school. Why, oh why, did that murderer have to be so angry that he had to kill the Marine? The funeral Mass was beautiful; his friends words were heartbreaking yet so loving. The sight of his Marine friends and the honor guard singing the Marine hymn at the gravesite was unbelievably hard to listen to.
My husband is trekking in Morocco and I said "good-bye" to my younger daughter yesterday at the airport as she leaves to fullfil the requirements of a fellowship which demands she leave US soil for one year. She is so lucky. I am sure she will come back safe yet scared for her. What will come her way? Sometimes you cant even go to the bathroom without harm befalling you. Hopefully, only good things. She too is a little wiser since the murder. Like she says, "All he wanted was to go to the bathroom!" I suppose the message that is here is perhaps she will be more aware of her surroundings especially since she is unaware of cultures, nor does she know the language.
I am having a very difficult these last seven months with living and coping and trying to mix up medicines to get rid of the pit I have dropped into. If I don't consciously think about being real or here, I fear that my skin will shed and I will melt like the wicked witch in the Wizard of OZ. The fluids will all drain off and that will be my end.
Because of mediction that I've taken over the last twenty years, I find that I no longer have the ability to cry. There is such passion, desoerauib and relief in crying that I can not avail myself of any cathartic release.
Sometimes I scream in the car. Did you know if you scream with an "argh" sound you get a wicked sore throat. If you scream with an "eeee" sound you get a headache. There is NO substitute for real tears. I have needed them this year and I really need them now. Can you weep forever without tears and how can you survive since all expect you to?
I'm afraid this is long. If you read it, thank you.Ma
Posted by illbeleavinnow on July 10, 2002, at 18:30:13
In reply to can you weep forever without tears, posted by mashogr8 on July 10, 2002, at 14:22:59
I weep without tears, so I know how it's like. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help. Just know there are other people who are the same way. I don't know if it would help you, but it helps me to know I'm not alone. =/ If you're wondering, I sometimes just punch the crap out pillows and the floor. I almost broke my crazy knuckles punching concrete. But finally, one day, some bad shit went down, and all of a sudden, I started crying. True, it wasn't much, but I was crying. And let me tell you something. Tears never felt as good. So in any case, at least you'll know that when you will cry, you'll fell all better. I guess all I can say is hang in there, but if you're anything like me, those words just annoy you.
Sorry I couldn't be of any more help, but know that your message touched me.Shine on as much as you can
Dan.
Posted by bookgurl99 on July 13, 2002, at 1:22:37
In reply to can you weep forever without tears, posted by mashogr8 on July 10, 2002, at 14:22:59
Mash, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. It seems that sometimes tragedies really start to pile up after years of calm. And when that happens, we're just not ready.
Hopefully you can get through today without adding up the total of bad things that have happened this year, and pondering what else could go wrong. If you can just focus on _today_, the good as well as the bad, you might find that you have more strength and energy. The point of being alive is to live, no?
The other thing I wanted to say, to reassure you about your daughter's travels: when I was 16 (10 years ago), I went to live in Bolivia for a year. My parents were terrified. In fact, my mother only signed the permission papers in an argument -- she was bluffing and thought I'd decide not to go. (Heck _I_ thought I'd decide not to go.) Instead I went to Bolivia, and was very vulnerable as I travelled around the country unaccompanied with another American teenager. I can honestly say that I was not aware of the potential dangers and more than once ended up on a dark street alone. But except for a bug I caught in the high altitude that left me much thinner, I came out fine. Sometimes I think young people have a protective bubble around us due to our sheer stupidity and lack of awareness.
Hope you're doing well,
bookgurl99
Posted by mashogr8 on July 16, 2002, at 15:18:07
In reply to Re: can you weep forever without tears, posted by bookgurl99 on July 13, 2002, at 1:22:37
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.
Bookgurl, I had to laugh (thanks, it did make me feel a little more human) reading about your Bolivian experience. I've done that motherly nice guy thing before, knowing full well none of the other parens were going to let their daughters travel across the USA east to west in a 72 VW van. I was right and I was the hero parent(at least to my daughter). My daughter is now 23 and has travelled a lot withh us as a family and also with friends In Scotland (what a benign place to let some grow up while travlling) and in Outward Bound in Costa Rico as well as Peru and Bolivia. She's lived in the Michuacan State of Mexico with a college roommate for three months taking a coppersmithing course. This year's travels are different. When she left, all she knew were her plane reservations. That didnot include her return home date from Paraguay. It was too soon to book the flight. Her first stop isto the country of Kiribati in the South Pacific. She had an overnight in Fiji. Since she was arriving late, I asked where she planned to stay. She was going to find something when she got there, she said. As my Christmas present, I asked her to please book a hotel room and she did. What about Kiribati I asked. Oh the counntry is so small people wise, they never fill the 40 room hotel, she says. Riiiiight, I said. Because I was saving my birthday present card to play later on in case I needed to, I kept quiet. Sure enough, her email arrives and says"I landed last Thursday in Kiribati with the 15 Australian dollars daddy had left from his last trip to Australia to find out that the hotel WAS completely full and the banks were closed until next Tuesday because it was Independence Day and apparently they celebrate the event for several days. Apparently, as amny as can leave the other islands (I think there are about 30 in all) and go to the main island to celebrate." There she was alone in the midst of South Pacific languqage speaking strangers knowing nobody, no place to sleep and certainly not enough money to survive 5 days. Mom KNEW this would happen! Lucky for her, naturally and thankfully, she had an "encounter" with an Aussie who noticed her all alone. The Aussie asked where and why she was there. My brave daughter answers some of her questions with as much bravado as she could, telling her about the fellowship and her project. The Aussie tried troubleshooting with my dear and for the moment scared daughter re how she would get out of this dilemma. The Aussie noticed a Peace Crops van in the parking lot and ran around trying to find the volunteer driver. Turns out the PC van is hardly ever there, they just had to pick up another volunteer. The Aussie ran interference and the PC has been "caring for me, keeping me safe and showing me around the island" is how she worded it. Thank goodness for Clairol. I think I would have the whitest gray head around. Hopefully, she will think about booking a hotel for the first night, at least, when she travels to Mali. I think she will avoid dark alleys, I hope.
Talk about "tht bubble that young people have due to sheer self-reliance ( don't think it's really stupidity) and a lack of awareness. Everyhting has worked out before. Why shouldn't it work now?
My daughter's travels have only been a slight distraction from the awful feelings of sadness, frustration and even utter hopelessness that has been present even without the string of funerals and borken-hearted families lately. As far as the deaths go, you're right that I have had many good years where noone died except for an old schoolmate's parent until Sept 11. 'Round about Nov., Dec, things began to fall apart and by the end of January I barely made it into work and life has been basically unbearable since. My meds are and have been changed in an effort to find some relief with virtually no positive lasting results. I think often not of killing myself, but definitely wishing I were dead, that some car would burst on the scene as I cross the road, that some big tree would come crashing down as I walked through the glen, even a lightning strike.
Yesterday, I was at the huge mall for this area. I think I was driving on the fifth floor up (they number them funny 1, 1M, 2, 2m) and I passed a rather deserted section of the parking lot which faced the state highway. The fence was there but not that high. The huge neon letters identifying the Mall were just on the outside. I could climb out onto the letter D(I didn't see any security camera, but I didn't look that hard). The letter D would be the ultimate Dive where I could just dive straight down. The D was part of Providence. Certainly, Divine Providence would take care of me.(Should this go to Faith?)
alas, to a degree, I am still here dropping Lithium , increasing Celexa, staying with ritalin, cytomel and Wellbutrin. The downside of the dive which would mean no more dealing with meds, having to smile because I'm supposed to and anwereing why would you ever not be happy, my daughter would have to come home; the downside of not diving is I am still here! I think it would be infinitely easier to justify killing yourself when your children are young. It is less a burden than teenagers and young adults having to deal with it. I feel like killing myself, knowing I never can, my chance passed years ago. I could have done it. I made half an attempt and got really scared. The doctors and therapists back then said said "hold on, the medication would work in time. For me, right now, anyway, the point of being alive is to get through one day as fast as possible so the end day can show up as fast as it can.
I have found and this was actually why I originally posted that the meds I have been on have somehow eradicated the ability to cry, to weep real tears. Early on, when I was first depressed I cried all the time. I thought I would never stop. Ti was a real pain, but so much tension was released. That outlet is gone and has been for at least five or even more years. Often times, now, my eyes will feel drained as I have been crying but that is as close as I get. Sometimes I pretend to cry, wail, sob as if that will remind my brain how to function. It doesn't help and just sounds stupid, definitely not cathatic.Does any one have the same situation? Does anyone know how to resolve this? Have you figured out how to reverse this phenomena which my pdoc and neuorologist say for some strange reason that happens to some people. Is it because I've been taking meds for so long?
I'm sorry to have made this post so long and if you read this far, thanks. All that seems to be left is time. Right now, htat's not a lot to get excitd about.
Ma
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