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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:31:48
that gnawing feeling...
i don't know what is going to happen with me.
depression is apparently when you think that things are permanent, but really things are only temporary.
what is it called when you realise tha the things you thought were only temporary are actually probably going to be permanent?
i saw this little article in the newspaper. probably totally bogus. about an orthopedic surgeon in india who was refusing to eat until some law was changed with respects to medical education.
i guess that's something that can be done. stop eating in protest. that is something that people have done in protest. it's a thing that is nice in the sense that it does give people time to respond. you wait 20 days for this and you wait 20 days for... hmm... better look that up...
as opposed to setting yourself on fire, i mean. where there's no going back.
i'm not suicidal, exactly. but politically minded.
i don't know that my thesis will be passed. the university seems to have been taken over by... the same sort of mindset i found at primary school. the same sort of mindset that there was out at Tamaki. hierarchical squabbling seems to be it. they were excited special kudos for them in attracting such a bright seeming student (me). mostly... because of the fun and games they will have with stabotaging her career if they can possibly get away with it.
they have a thing or two to teach me, that's for sure.
and it seems to be that i am not allowed to work to time. i must work at the pace others allow me to work at. because i must stop and wait for others do to crucial and necessary things that they must do. and i must be patient. so, for example, if my supervisor decides she would like to have a month holiday or whatever then off she goes and there will be no imput from her over the month. which wouldn't matter at all, but when she comes back she decides to be all hands-on and refuses to sign things off until she's taken however many weeks to read things at her very own special working pace...
i understand it's supposed to be a lesson to me in how i have to make people want to help me.
only... i don't want to interact with people who decide to be obstructive / who decide that kudos for them takes priority over all else. i just do not deal with those kinds of people.
uncooperative people. basically.
my thesis is done. but i don't know that they will sign off on it.
it gets to the point where it is like 'do x' and you do x because they said and you want them to sign off on it. otherwise you have to say 'i don't think i should do x because of whatever...' but if your supervisor decides to work slooooooowly... what are you going to do about it?
i guess it comes back to whether the university does get money or something for submitted theses. whether there is any incentive at all for them to accept them.
i mean... i was working to a tight timeline. i had the timeline. i provided the timeline. my supervisor didn't work in a timely fashion. so... it's done.
she can say now 'send me a chapter and i'll see if i can sign off' -- but that's a bit late. that's what she should have said in December. But in December she was all 'it's too haaaaaaaaard' (because she wanted a break over Christmas and we must always work at the pace of the slowest!)
so... they get the hardcopy and they keep it, or they fail me. i guess that's the way of it.
and if they fail me then i appeal that.
i have learned about the ombudsman. apparently nz has one. you can complaint to the ombudsman about the conduct of government people / government departments including our public universities.
i guess... i guess my med application... the way things turned out there... and with my thesis too, i guess, it was a way of teaching me / me coming to learn about that process. law is a bit weird / counter-intuitive sometimes. what counts as legal reason. for example, it has to be that they made a decision against policy. for review of decision. but i think appeal of decision can be about manifestly false (e.g., if they fail my thesis).
anyway...
i was reading about the role of the ombudsman and things sounded pretty good.
the idea being to try and work with / mediate with parties and developed the adminsitrative policies for a fairer system. that seemed to be it. anyway... the vc at one of the unis... well... lets just say that in returnign to nz i can count the number of... what i would consider to be... upstanding persons of good conduct... on one hand. he seemed to be the real deal, actually. in what little i saw... but genuinely appropriately professional in conduct... anyway... maybe there is some kind of hope for me...
the thesis thing, too. the uni did not do what the calendar said they should -- but they should probably revise what the calendar says they should do because they lack the capacity to do what the calendar says they should. at least... that is the way that other universities in nz have resolved the issue. my supervisor should never have agreed to supervise me. i didn't realise that the whole thing about graduate student research is that it is just writing up and down and revising everything into what your supervisor approves of your saying.
only nz has freedom of speech and critic and conscience of society enshrined in our education act.
so my thesis... i should be allowed to say things in my thesis.
and just because my supervisor doesn't like it or doesnt' approve or it or doesn't agree with it... doesn't mean my thesis should be failed...
or... as she seems to think is the case... t hat you just drag out 'not accepted' indefinately...
which is why submitting it in hardcopy is the thing.
because then they either accept it or they fail it.
only... i thought that was the case with the softbound for examination (that is in fact what the calendar says) but tehy just made up their own outcome of assessment which is basically 'go away and keep working on it'. which... isn't an outcome at all. then when i pushed them to actually deliver an outcome they said 'pay us more fees by teh 10th' which, uh, unfortunately, kinda sorta looks like extortion.
i just wnat to be a ... doctors doctor. i can't function in thier environment. they won't actually let me. all you get to do is mirror back to them... them. on their time.
i have to give up my house.
move back up north.
back to a cheap motel... indefinately... where the initial stages of things could possibly be people trying to force me to move into / accept something grossly unsuitable... boarding houses... living with people fresh out of jail... looking after the otherwise unsupervised children...
we don't like gdp in this country.
sigh.
wish me luck.
nobody can say that i didn't do everything in my power for things to come through for me this year.
and however many years into the past...
awful country.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:48:32
In reply to gnawing, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:31:48
It seems that 'you have to give us evidence of completion of qualification within the last 5 years' is... something that someone... made up... mostly because it kept things tidy for them, i guess, becuase grades needed to be finalised by then for ranking.
but research isn't graded so it would have been consistent for them to have given me an offer conditional on completion.
but consistency isn't enough. might not be enough.
if someone says 'you have to do x or you arne't eligable for med' then it seems that their saying it... might be enough to make it true.
and so that is what they did in orde to exclude...
me.
i think i'm the only person who was excluded by way of that 'policy' or 'executive decision' or whatever it's called.
they miscalculated my gpa. according to their own policy statement of how it is to be calculated. they just did it wrong. no other way to say that. based it from a part time year (and it's supposed to be full time years) and my worst 120 point GPA for another year) and it's supposed to be best.
but then the feedback i was given was how i was ranked too low for a place.
and even something along the lines of how they weren't telling it to me to hurt me or make me feel bad, but that even if i was eligable i was ranked so low that i wouldn't have gotten a place anyway...
but then they were only supposed to rank people who WERE eligable. so... why even rank me?
i see no reason for telling me i ranked too low (after telling me in was ineligable) but to hurt me / psych me out.
unless they are trying to teach me (the hard way) that i should have this. i have the right to it. i've earned it. i actually genuinely am one of the higher ranking candidates...
i don't know.
i don't expect it is something they would do or wish upon their own kids. so that probably tells me everything i need to know.
and then of course: but what are you going to do about it?
and that seems to be the thing since i've returned here.
people treat me worse and worse and worse and worse and worse because, well, what am i going to do about it?
and they can tresspass you off the premises. and they can lock you in a psych institution or a jail cell. i guess.
and what are you going to do about it?
and there doesn't seem to be justice...
i put in an official request for information. how many people didn't get interviews who met GPA cutoff. the people who were rendered 'ineligable' to have their applications further processed.
apparently... the vc said... from now on when students are informed they were not selected for various programs... including med and foundations... (the science course i applied to but the awful lady didn't want me doing it because something along the lines of how i'd learned enough already and i should give other kids the chance)... the kids will be informed they can ask why they were declined / appeal / request review of that decision. a 2 step process. then the ombudsman.
so more accountable systems. potentially. now the deans and whatever know they will potentially have to deal with the requests and it might make them a bit more careful / respectful of the students when they are looking at who to select (e.g., to calculate their gpa's properly).
but i don't know that things will come through for me.
or whether i'm just the chump who gets to make things better for... other peoples kids... for the next generation...
constantly constantly constantly...
what about me?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:53:51
In reply to Re: gnawing, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:48:32
if we can't get students through research qualifications in a timely fashion then....
it's time to give up the illusion we have universities once and for all.
we have public community colleges.
that's all.
they couldn't even get organised to sign a capable student off. they didn't need to babysit me overly because i went in with lessons learned from last time and with a clear timeline and everything... all they needed to do was sign things off in a timely fashion. process the enrolment. process the submission. provide an outcome that is one of the actual outcomes.
just... none of it.
they couldn't do any of it.
they had meetings... best i can figure that's about all the do... have meetings and crap on about how everything is just toooooooooo haaaaaaaaaard and how it must take their students years and years and years and years and years. because they won't even stand up for their students.
that's the thing.
i see my supervisor is now on the scholarships committee. i think that is a special prize they gave her after her role in ensuring that they never gave a scholarship to me.
that's the kind of hierarchical f*ck*d-up-ness.
see... i just think... these are the kinds of things i get to say and it only makes them look bad...
people aren't trembling in awe of their magestic power for subjugating such a powerful student!
people are just thinking what awful awful bullies they are that they would abuse their very own children, so.
at least...
a few people in the world still see things this way -- right?
people?
still here?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:58:54
In reply to Re: gnawing, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:53:51
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 13:27:02
In reply to above for politics board sorry (nm), posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:58:54
I don't know about the vc. I guess it depends how things go with the ombudsman. the vc of the other university seems to have given up... in the sense that he said i didn't have the right to complain to him, i cited Calendar regulations that said i did... he didn't respond to acknowledge that within 3 days.
i guess the ombudsman might be about help. about external help in seeing what to do...
it is a good start that people can appeal being declined from a program of study. becauase if the staff are informed that students can do this then they may be more likely to be respectful about who the offer the places to. i wonder how that awful lady would have justified not offering me a place (even though i was one of the most academically able). she probably would have said what she said to me: that kid's already good at something, she should go do that. if she actually said that to someone then that's when they get to say 'we are supposed to pick the kids most likely to go on to succeed... not aiming to pick the kids who will only scrape by, here, because they are even worse at everything else'.
that's the tall poppy thing of nz, all over. right there.
i guess the external people can check with the examiners whether they think the thesis should be failed or not. my supervisor doesn't seem capable of that. she would have me hang about indefinately until absolutely everyone in the university started hassling us about taking so long and started up about 'when are you going to finish your thesis!' after maybe 4 or 5 years of that i would be allowed to (only just) scrape through my 1 year qualification... only becuase people would be fairly fairly sure that after that i would really not go on to succeed at much of anything else.
i don't think the external people intended me to be failed.
i do think one of them was trying to teach my examiner how to supervise a thesis... but i don't think he would think that he couldn't sign off on the changes within 10 weeks...
there are competent people in this country. somewhere.
why haven't they noticed me?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 13:59:57
In reply to Re: above for politics board sorry, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 13:27:02
oh yeah, because i'm supposed to go do that. because we don't believe people should be free to pursue their ends, at all, they should do as they are told.
and the dean of medicine wishes me 'luck!' for next year - after calculating my gpa (incorrectly) for the precise purpose of informing me that my gpa was too low so i wasn't good enough to get to do it.
the thing with the 'complete a qualificaion in nz within the last 5 years' requirement is that...
nobody will allow me to complete a qualification.
because i have qualification already so i should go away.
there's a new lot of kids coming through.
everything needs to take generations.
generations.
generations of short life expectancy... waiting waiting waiting... for maaori to catch up.
apparently that's the idea.
and if i don't want to play this game...
suck up my lot in life for my next generation
(where the next generation will be forced to go on to do all the things i wasn't allowed to accomplish in life -- whether they want to or not)
then...
people really would rather prefer that i always remain weak and powerless.
consensus is that i'm illiterate.
consensus is that i can't work to time.
consensus is that i'm too slow.
there is always somethign.
it doesn't make sense to talk of things like racism or sexism or whatever, here. becuase it isn't that people are horrible to each other on the basis of category membership, specifically. they are just horrible to each other just generally. for any reason at all. if they think they can get away with it.
if they think they can get away with throwing away a bunch of applications so they have less work to do, then they'll do that. if they think they can get away with throwing a stack of grading up the stairs and allocating grades all random-like then they'll do that.
there really isn't very much at all in the way of civilisation here.
that i can see.
i don't want to live in a country, like that.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
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