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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
Seriously not a psych question but trust has been lost over meds, people that promise to do things for you, I bought new bedroom accessories and husband said he would paint the room if I buy the paint. Have a huge sliegh bed no way to move without taking apart and he knows this is the only room in the house I feel safe in and have control over how it looks as he hoards for ebay stuff the rest of the house although I paid for half of it and all furniture not allowed to touch a thing if do the repercussions are not worth it so I turn the other eye hard to do. But I can't afford to hire someone. So how do I trust him to follow through. Meds can't help, therapists can't help no one can but feedback. Thanks I know probably social but more frequent her. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on December 28, 2011, at 14:00:51
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
> Seriously not a psych question but trust has been lost over meds, people that promise to do things for you, I bought new bedroom accessories and husband said he would paint the room if I buy the paint. Have a huge sliegh bed no way to move without taking apart and he knows this is the only room in the house I feel safe in and have control over how it looks as he hoards for ebay stuff the rest of the house although I paid for half of it and all furniture not allowed to touch a thing if do the repercussions are not worth it so I turn the other eye hard to do. But I can't afford to hire someone. So how do I trust him to follow through. Meds can't help, therapists can't help no one can but feedback. Thanks I know probably social but more frequent her. Phillipa
Have you made your husband aware of how important that room is to you - that it is your only sanctuary and respite from anxiety? It is important for your mental health and quality of life. Communication is important. Very few of us are effective mind-readers.Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by gadchik on December 28, 2011, at 14:20:35
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by SLS on December 28, 2011, at 14:00:51
I agree w/scott,tell him what you have said here.If he doesnt care about what you feel is important,it cant be a good relationship for you.I would, calmly,explain the problem to him.
Posted by SLS on December 28, 2011, at 15:14:13
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
> he knows this is the only room in the house I feel safe in...
How does he know this? When was the last time that you emphasized this to him?
I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. I'm sure you understand that this will pass. Knowing this might not make things any easier to endure in the present, though. Just be careful when making decisions while in this state.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 18:29:01
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe » Phillipa, posted by SLS on December 28, 2011, at 15:14:13
Scott today and almost most days of the week as have to protect my small space in this 22,000 sq fit one which is filled to brim with his stuff. I bought the paint today. Wow $40 some odd dollars for Benjamin Moore. I was always a neat nick not inside drawers but what I saw. Now turn a blind eye. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 12:27:08
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe » Phillipa, posted by SLS on December 28, 2011, at 15:14:13
Well he was all set to paint today and stupid idiot me is too afraid to leave the house alone or even stay here while he does it. So I woke said lets not do it today. Why what is wrong with me. I know there is something I don't see making me nuts with anxiety fear the better word. Frozen like a deer in the headlights of a car. So now we will go out in car he will paint a small portion when I ride bike and hopefully I will see that it looks good. But the real reason is blocked and no idea have thought of many reasons and none fit. So it's me. Phillipa
Posted by ed_uk2010 on December 29, 2011, at 13:12:30
In reply to Re: Me Idiot Sick Stupid and Don't know why, posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 12:27:08
Hi PJ,
I'm sorry PJ, I can feel how afraid you are. I think (perhaps) you were afraid of him painting because it would cause disruption in a place where you normally feel safe. I think that can be upsetting when you're very anxious. Perhaps it would help if he keeps things really neat and tidy while he's working so that the room is not unusable?
Posted by torrid2 on December 29, 2011, at 19:14:33
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
Philipa you seem down, not your cheery self. Whats up?
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 20:23:45
In reply to Re: Me Idiot Sick Stupid and Don't know why » Phillipa, posted by ed_uk2010 on December 29, 2011, at 13:12:30
Ed one wall done he did keep things neat and tidy. Still anxious and feel wierd no idea why this is stange? Love PJx
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 20:41:07
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe » Phillipa, posted by torrid2 on December 29, 2011, at 19:14:33
I wish I knew:( Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 21:25:56
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe » torrid2, posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 20:41:07
Any chance of painting it yourself? It would give you complete control over the space. And painting is fun and good exercise!
I'm in the slow process of painting all the interior spaces in the house. When I finish it will likely be time to start again.
On the other hand, I hate exterior painting. Sanding peeling paint and calking is no fun at all.
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 21:35:51
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 21:25:56
Dinah that is what kills me I did everything myself in the past now my back hurts too bad. Osteoarthritis, scoleosis, and bone spurs. Plus whatever is creating this strange fear in me has me literally paralyzed with fear. Now into fearing all diseases also. What a mess. Thanks for suggesting what oh I would love to do. Phillipa
Posted by torrid2 on December 29, 2011, at 21:36:04
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 21:25:56
how about getting ready to do it your self but play dumb about it, maybe keep trying to open up the paint can with something flexable and not seeming to understand what your doing wrong and he may just jump in and take over
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 21:44:29
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 21:35:51
Have your fears increased as you decreased your meds?
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 22:01:49
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
I'm going to be cynical here and say that it's probably best *not* to trust that people will do what they say they will do. Not that I'm being mean about other people. It's just that they have their own priorities and what's important to you isn't necessarily important to them. And even with people who love you, your priorities don't become theirs.
When we bought this house twenty years ago, I loved nearly everything about it except for some paint colors and the wallpaper in the kitchen. Part of our decision to buy the house was factoring in someone to remove that wallpaper and prepare the walls for paint. I hate that wallpaper and have been hating it for twenty years. It's still there. I now have the paint all ready but it's hard to find time to strip the walls. My husband loves me. He knows I hate that wallpaper. But it's still there.
We had a mouse in one of our cupboards. We brought in someone to plug the space around the pipes where it came in, and have seen no mouse in nearly ten years. My husband wants to clean that cupboard, and doesn't think I can do an adequate job. We're low on cupboard space, I'd like to be able to use that space, but ten years later he still periodically promises to do it.
He can probably list similar instances for me. I just can't recall them because, well, they aren't as important to me.
So, don't bother trusting again. Periodically ask him when he'd like you to purchase the materials so he can do the job, and then forget it. Just as he hopefully forgets the times you don't follow through on what you've promised.
Forget all that cr*p about people who love each other wanting to please each other, etc. In some ways it's true. But realistically speaking, it's probably not wise to measure love by a spouse's willingness to do chores that are more important to us than they are to them.
In our family, the rule is that the person responsible for doing something is the person who cares more about it being done. And no griping. It roughly works out. Or at least I think so. My husband, who likely cares about more than I do, might not agree.
Romance *can* be found in trying to please each other. But romance can also be found in trusting where trust is warranted, not trusting where trust isn't warranted, and appreciating the one without overmuch resenting the other.
End of cynic's message. :)
(And yes, I realize it's now a moot point.)
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2011, at 23:37:22
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 22:01:49
Dinah first I think yes to the meds didn't take the tiny dose of lexapro last night will tonight though. As for the painting some how it's getting missed. One wall he's painted which is more than I anticipated getting done in the short time I allowed him as my fear of just being here in the house and not getting out with him not alone he took me out. And then painted the wall. I need a brain and body transplant. Phillipa
Posted by Twinleaf on December 30, 2011, at 0:56:38
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
You do have a tough situation, and it's certainly true that nothing can change your husband - except him. But you can change you. I feel sad when you say that meds and therapy can't help. If you can find a therapist you like and trust (like your new pdoc), it can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and your life, and in your ability to make positive changes. We all know meds are usually only partial answers, at best. But they can help.
Could your pdoc give you a good therapy referral?
Posted by Phillipa on December 30, 2011, at 18:06:16
In reply to Re: How Do You Trust Again?, posted by Twinleaf on December 30, 2011, at 0:56:38
Twinleaf last time I saw him asked if needed theraphy as he has a therapist who works with him. He said he didn't think so but next door was a theraphy practice? So I wonder why he didn't want me to see his? Could be she doesn't take medicaire & United Healthcare? Good question. Thanks Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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