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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2009, at 20:16:25
In reply to 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 6, 2009, at 16:53:32
Five Fires What's causing this fear of people wanting you to die? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2009, at 20:16:25
From my case mgr to closest loved ones, they are 'fed up or exhausted w/ me as I am currently'. They think if they pull away it will force me into changing, but it is only making me sad, hence more ill.
Cuz' no way get to psychologist yest' for appt., offered phone v. charging me $45. P-therapist (There. That works for me.) listened as I explained the severity of my anxiety at that time, it being very hard to breathe. We discussed mother and 'conditonal' love and was it ever different? To my statement 'all think my problem is meds', P-therapist said there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding of medicine (and mental illness) in my fam'.
The FOO all live away.
In the winter mos., mother here, like now, doesn't come to see me, even after explain this agoraphobia. More than I can count, when I say please look it up online, say 'no!' 'it's just an excuse'.
It is awful, never had b4 ya' know, then too have no car at this time.
(I've lost my place you all; shouldn't go back to edit. Going back to bed.)
I told him ICM came here when judge said no. (Judge told me ICM should not come here, but his bro' could, to p/u some things.) It almost turned very violent. I didn't call authorities and complain though 'cuz authorities didn't own up to a prior violation of my privacy, which I spoke with mother about and she more or less thought I must be wrong or it wasn't important, or I wasn't important enough, invalidating an obvious insult upon me.
I just let this second 'error' go, though I wanted to say to auth. or a victim's adv., 'you let me down', I guess because I believed in my mother's POV. I think I've told you all before, oh, and the p-gist told me on 2nd visit, a very sensitive person. If mother not think my protection or privacy important, it wasn't. This is my mother. This is who I've entrusted myself to, and tried, even through terrible misunderstandings, to honor. I can't seem to let go, just like 'a cycle of abuse', I guess.
P-gist is 30-yrs in profession and first time in long time, feel words are being translated into my feelings, as I'm given feedback about what I say. I need this because I've really lost grip had on 'who am' and if I'm behaving improperly and upsetting my fam', I'll do what can, and I try, but I'm hearing feedback explaining 'everyone makes mistakes, and the type of relationship between a parent and children is individual to each child, unlike mother repeatedly telling me there is 'no difference in how she feels or relates to any of the five of us'.
I saw myself favoring love chlid over second child when they were toddler age and going up, and I sat down and apologized to my second child and told her it wasn't her imagination and why I did this so she would never think I didn't love her too.
I don't see the need to dig way down to some root of this anxiety, but I do think it is theapeutic for me to say what hurts, so I can answer the very same question you just asked me Phillipa, and once understood, move up or down or around or nowhere, but get to a place where I feel free of so much burden, shame, worthlessness, and again remember and maybe even be a person who at least knows how to make a friend, again.
After p-gist phone appt fell asleep and woke 11p. 2moro is a sad day because it's the day I was born and tonight I live a life so alone and unfamiliar and out of place. There is a possible connection betw. I and the brother she idolized, always says to me he said 'he would earn his life' and always says to me 'I earned my life' and I wonder if she's telling me 'I earned this?'. She gave birth to me 13months aft' he and best friend died in plane crash. I am their namesake, my firt and middle name. Idk.
Recently she said I 'chose' this, but abuse is behind smiles and I could not see them, so did I chose abuse; no. I chose what looked like love. Yes, I was wrong, but I'm paying for my error already, turned life upside-down; why she throw more on top idk. babbling2much
tks (((P))) 5f
Posted by SLS on April 8, 2009, at 8:00:01
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
The people around you might be experiencing something similar to the care-taker burn-out that occurs with chronic illnesses - especially recognized with the care of Alzheimers patients. Somewhere in their minds, they might conclude that you must certainly be healthier simply because so much time has passed. Of course, this is not true. You are not any better. So, some people may try to relieve themselves of a sense of burden by placing you in a position of having to function beyond your current capacity; deeming that this action is to be good for you.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2009, at 12:35:49
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
Five Fires do you feel like my kids do that tough love is the answer. As not even e-mail or cards. They are involved in their own lives and no time for me. Is this how you feel? Did you get something for depression, anxiety that is working for you now? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2009, at 11:52:37
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by SLS on April 8, 2009, at 8:00:01
Sorry S, really hard for me to keep up w/ anything. I understand this may be so true. I sometimes wish it were a physical illness that would go into remission at times and then return, so maybe they'd 'see' it, but yes, in earlier yrs more came to my aid than now. And, if they are as burnt-out as I, I've got to turn to the professionals more than to the ones I love, but it is so hard. This day my agoraphobia is sky-high and in order to get to a pcp appt I have to take a van. I'll wish I had a mask on! Really. I'll prob' freak out if there is a stop to p/u an elderly person moving at a snail's pace, wanting to jump out and have a cigarette! I don't think I can do this. But I have no choice as my dang back pain med cannot be called to the pharmacy. I want so badly to go to a treatment ctr in my state which has a program for dual, pain and mental health. But, I'm sorta' frozen. I was going to right what I would ask my PCP to write in the request for the one time out of network authorization, but all my thoughts and reasons escape me and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. What is this? How did this get so out of hand? Why am I unable to clean my house or eat or ... seriously I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know there is a lot of anxiety and this agoraphobia. I don't know that I feel a lot of depression, but maybe I'm not recognizing it. It's like something has happened to me w/o reason that I can recall. I keep thinking possibly I've had some sort of seizure in my brain. Idk. It's my understanding only a CT brain would show this. Is this true? But, will my pdoc write for it? Shall I ask my case manager? I'm not unable to communicate or having anything abnormal such as voices or visions or psychosis or ideation or thoughts of hurting another. Idk what happened.
I was going to mention to one person here that my thyroid tests came back abnormal and I was changed to Armour vs. levothyroxine, but at first my ins. wouldn't pay for Armour, then they would. When it was picked up for me, both were given to me. So, a few days I took both. It seemed like I felt better those couple days. I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to do so, so stopped taking the levo and stayed just w/ the Armour. But, I kind of wonder why it was I was feeling sort of better when taking both. Just a thought to share if anyone has a POV.
Wish someone was here w/ me, ya' know, to help me clean up the house a little and to talk to, to have coffee with, to go places together. Maybe it's a lot about this, this lonely isolation.
tks S, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2009, at 19:53:26
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2009, at 11:52:37
Two thyroid meds at the same time???? Cytomel can be added but you doubled your dose. Not good. So what other meds you on now. Didn't understand the mail today? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2009, at 16:25:38
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2009, at 19:53:26
1 gram Armour and .5 levothyroxine
why not good? feel a lot better
5f
Posted by Larry Hoover on April 17, 2009, at 16:27:58
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2009, at 16:25:38
You feel a lot better? Yay! Oh that is great!
Lar
Posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2009, at 18:34:30
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Larry Hoover on April 17, 2009, at 16:27:58
Hey. I lost my message this morning. Suppose we're awaiting your sundown over there by now.
First thank you for an explaination L. It was real kind.
Yes, there's something about the thyroid meds; I can feel it. I just don't know what to do about it really. Wow do the opinions about this issue differ!!!
Earliest appt. w/ an endo from India is mid July.
My PCP cold-turkeyed my oxycodone for a week. (Yeah. I know. Awful. But me too scared of MRSA in ERs/hospitals.) He made an error and tried use it to d.c. it, but I have had the scrip dated today since last Friday. Asked this PCP to call the endo for they said they'd move up my appt. Not done. Asked re: Sierra Tucson, only pain/behavioral health facility out my way and one-time-exception out-of-network. Not done.
Am seeing new PCP 1st wk next mo.
Until then, you guys think I should do anything about he saying/yelling 'sorry' 'what pain?' 'go to ER' 'now see why all fed up with you'??? (This PCP has 4-5 MRIs showing c-spine disc extrusions.)
Did you see the FDA pulled some narcotics, the ones needed for CA and Hospice patients? What's wrong w/ the F*A? We are creeping into one another's lives and going so far as to judging them by how much pain they can withstand without relief.
Hey L, how do you keep your thoughts from going there? I mean, are you doing it because it is therapeutic for you at this time or because you are more ill at this time?
Do I think too much about me? I remember how I used to comfort others and it felt so good.
I feel 'I can't help another until I help myself'. I think this behavior or, no, thoughts, this 'thought', came from a belief pounded into my head by countless persons, billboards, parents, and foghorns, (Sorry; needed lil' drama.) saying 'I, he, we, they, and all of them, cannot love you if you do not love yourself.'!
I don't beg, but I do differ. It's like asking someone, "What do YOU SEE in this painting?" "How does it make YOU FEEL?" "Why did YOU COME here?" For some things there are no answers.
Is it the same with caring for yourself when you are ill. If we can't take care of ourselves well because we are ill, 'I, he, we, they, and all of them cannot care for us either?'.
No nap yet. I've been sittng here writing; like to write.
We are mostly who we are I guess. So, believe I care about you all 'cuz from here it could make sense you don't see or feel this.
I wish you all good wkend. I nap and read bit more on site P sent.
I tried to throw you'all a kiss but couldn't even spit on the screen o_o; need a beverage.
Off Risperidone.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2009, at 21:59:56
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2009, at 18:34:30
FF getting very confused again you must write and slow down and explain. Love Phillipa is P me? Did I send a site?
Posted by Fivefires on April 28, 2009, at 20:44:49
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2009, at 21:59:56
> FF getting very confused again>
sorry
>you must write and slow down and explain.>
very hard
>Love Phillipa
is P me?>
you too & yes
>Did I send a site?>
Stop The Madness re: thyroid - thought was you.
I'm glad you're all here. Nothing positive to say unfortunately. (A stint on Pristiq caused pain.)
I had the feeling of pressure on the top of my head upon awakening this morn'. Third time this has happened in 4yrs. Relieved w/ benzo. Then hurt my back trying to lift a 'not too heavy' bag.
I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and are well. I'm hoping someone might come and stay here w/ me. I dunno tho'; has other options and I'm no prize right now!
I must get rushed when I finally get myself here to talk w/ you all. Sorry this.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2009, at 21:50:22
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 28, 2009, at 20:44:49
Why are you rushed???? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 30, 2009, at 16:03:42
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2009, at 21:50:22
I am sure I'm grieving so badly that it will/is killing me and I'll literally die of a broken heart if I am not motivated, turned on, or had a new battery inserted. Or, one other consideration is that these moments of pressure on the top of my head are some loss of oxygen to my brain; always have low BP; but whenever this happened it spiked! Strange for me to high; very strange. So either there has been damage at these episodes I've described or I've a heart that is beyond repair. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO HAVE ANY DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A PERSON CAN DIE OF A BROKEN HEART. I BELIVE IT.
Okay .. Provigil. Works well, but its drawback is a g i t a t i o n. It's not at anyone or anything, it's just an all-consuming feeling like I'm going to walk outside and scream at the top of my lungs 'this whole world seems AFU!'. I will then cry deeply because of the agoraphobia I now have. The X-XR and the regular X (It is Xa*ax I'm speaking of here.) don't do the trick. I go overboard into a place they can't cover, so ... I either need more X, maybe switch to Valium, orrrrr, what about the idea of Clonidine. This I didn't even think of until today and I just looked it up.Look I have to go to an appt in an hour and I am a TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK. bREATHING FAST. kNOWQING ALREADY TOOK BOTH x-xr1MG AND x REG 2MGJ ... SEE THE MISTAKES, i CNA'T TYPE WELL.
I'M AS NEROVUS ASA THE DEAMN CAT ON THE ROOF!
i FORGOT TO BREATHE. tHERE.
Do you see my predicament? (I edited that.)
5f
unedited
Posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 22:52:38
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 30, 2009, at 16:03:42
As we talked by phone on my way to the docs did you send the labs or is there a later thread just home. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on May 14, 2009, at 9:22:40
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 22:52:38
Drs and fam' ignored bad lab results had or I've sent all, but for scrips written 'w/o a bit of compassion' for D, B12, Folbic, and more for EB. All fam' do is use an elderly man to come check I still alive. While I'd hoped for a complement from them for cutting pain med after 15 w/o titration & no med for withdrawal, all I got was a book called Healing the Addicted Brain. (Too weak to connect to Amazon.) Labs pretty much show I'M IN THE EYE OF CHRONIC FATIGUE, not the sort you can keep on keepin on with. Sisnlaw said 'We don't care. You're making a fool of yourself'.(?) FOO said nada. I'm being left to whither and my children to a responsibility too large for them, and they're grieving. FOO may be waiting for me to do the wrong thing; but I'll be damned if I cannot see my fifth grandchild. Where do families go when one has no one? There is a business; many homes and cars and jobs, all; land to sell; land paying profit. I've three strong sisters.
Not suicidal, homicidal, delusional, psychotic, or any such.
Tell the ICM I love him still very much he knows.
Will try get back here. Oh God.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2009, at 20:34:43
In reply to This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by Fivefires on May 14, 2009, at 9:22:40
Five Fires believe it not have Healing The Addicted Brain ordered at the library. Was recently on Dr Phil for coming off opiods. Written by the world's leading expert on opiods . He says take subotex Sp? as the mind needs time to heal. I'm serious. Can you get a script for the subtonex? Love Phillipa ps another babbler and another e-mail with both on it and getting much better.
Posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 15:42:33
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2009, at 20:34:43
Oh Phillipa. I am more ill than ever. I cannot walk fast. I cannot do much in a day. Tried clean two rooms yest' and still not done. I'm in withdrawal and none of my docs GAS how I am doing, and of course I'm alone. Cry a lot. I'm buying thermal things that heaten when apply to area of discomfort which are 3 for $10. That means I would need to spend over $20 a week for them. I'm not able to sleep well because am now, again, awaking in pain, like I'd forgotten. I can barely breathe.
sorry no contact ..
5f
Posted by Phillipa on May 17, 2009, at 21:22:22
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control » Phillipa, posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 15:42:33
Five Fires you must write. Why withdrawal can you not get subtonex? That's an opiod withdrawal med and it works. Can explain more via private. Do you have a heating pad? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 21:28:15
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2009, at 20:34:43
Was the author's back broken? Did he have successful surgery? Does he have an injury?
I've spent the last week w/ my head bent this way and that way and anyway, and there is no way to sleep w/o this damn pain.
What does he say to do about the pain?????
P A I NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Posted by Phillipa on May 17, 2009, at 21:40:36
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 21:28:15
Private. see the e-mail. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 21:41:18
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on May 17, 2009, at 21:22:22
I have those dang 3 for $10 Thermacare neck wraps! I paid half that for an entire month of medication!
Ya' know, I asked her for help, something for the withdrawal and she acted like was sort of alien; even gave me a like stare-down. I think she thinks I'm an abuser w/o pain; no I know she does.
Well bless her soul 'cuz she's wrong about this and about me.
When dr become judge?
When do I ever deserve to be treated nicely instead of abused. This is like more abuse!!!
takecareall, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on May 17, 2009, at 21:47:20
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by Fivefires on May 17, 2009, at 21:41:18
You got my mail right? Love Phillipa
Posted by desolationrower on May 18, 2009, at 17:34:00
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on May 17, 2009, at 21:47:20
fivefire can you get the 'rechargeable' heat pads? you click this metal thing in them to use them, but once they cool down you stick them in a pot of hot water for a bit and they go back to how they were before. can be used many times. if you have withdrawal see if you can get some clonidine at least. hope you are makig it.
-d/r
Posted by Fivefires on May 24, 2009, at 5:18:02
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by desolationrower on May 18, 2009, at 17:34:00
I'm still here d/r, all. I have been through the most horrible times of my life in the past nearly 1-1/2yrs, but I'm still here. I remember a time in my life when the course of my life took a change, a drastic change, in one day. So, I'm not lost yet. I dc'd Provigil as it was inducing too much agitation, even to a point of being ADDish or OCDish. My house is a mess from this med. I couldn't finish a task. Now I look around and am overwhelmed! I had labs done and am pretty much on a lot of supplements, when remember to take all. Tryin drink more water. Apparently need more red meat and for the first time in my life, just looking at it makes me ill. I'm having a hard time keeping any food down. But, I've not given up, tho' those around me seem to have fallen by the wayside. Get awfully lonely. Miss you all. Don't know WHY I'm up at 3a my time; butt, wanted you know I did cut down 1/4 oxycodone and am over the anxiety I think, but now there is the pain to deal with, Why must we live a life of less quality when there is a medication to help; idk. Not right. Everyone pointing fingers. I'd like to peek into their medicine cabinets, but won't waste my time with finger pointers. I've really HAD ENUF' OF THEM! I'm sorry been so long to respond.
good long wkend to all,
5f
Posted by Phillipa on May 24, 2009, at 20:06:44
In reply to Re: This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by Fivefires on May 24, 2009, at 5:18:02
Good to see you back and thinking better. Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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