![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 35 to 59 of 59. Go back in thread:
Posted by CareBear04 on March 23, 2005, at 18:12:01
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by Spriggy on March 23, 2005, at 15:21:24
spriggy-- i had the same experience on lexapro. it was the first psych med i ever took, and i never wanted to take another.
Posted by barbaracat on March 23, 2005, at 20:19:21
In reply to Re: Lithium » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 23, 2005, at 16:23:18
> That's interesting, there aren't any sublingual hormones on the market here, we do have hormones in the form of a nasal spray though! (Aerodiol)
>
**I don't think we have the nasal. Sounds interesting. Regular pharmacies don't carry the sublinguals or the creams. We have them made up by a compounding pharmacy. Probably the biggest and most well known one in the US is Women's International Pharmacy. They've done alot of pioneering hormone compounding.
>
> Have you ever taken Synthroid on its own? In your experience, is it more effective to take Synthroid and Cytomel in combination?**Yes, I've taken straight T4 alone before and it didn't work as well. I only take 5mg of Cytomel which is pretty small, but it seems to kick start the T3 conversion. When I was on Armour, a natural T4/T3 dessicated hormone the T3 was too high and gave me jitters.
>
> When I've worked in pharmacies in the UK, we get trillions of prescriptions for T4 every day. I've never once seen a prescription for T3 though!**It's fairly common over here. Theory is that some people don't convert T4 to the active form as well as they should.
>
I've never tried sertraline though, I might try that next time. SSRIs don't do much for my depression, if I get really depressed in future I'd like to try an MAOI. Lofepramine is ok for my depression but not great.**I was on sertraline for years and liked it better than most of the SSRI type meds. It worked well for my depression, but would lose potency after a while and had to keep bumping it up. Never tried an MAOI but have heard that it really helps some people where everything else failed. I think the idea is to get a reversible one that lessens the side effect. I believe moclobemide is one but I don't think we have it here in the states. I remember hearing about it on the Babble board some time back. It's interesting how meds are different in the UK and US.
>
I hope you continue to feel good and that nasty depression doesn't return.>
>
>
>
Posted by barbaracat on March 23, 2005, at 23:59:33
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by Spriggy on March 23, 2005, at 15:21:24
I think that was I, BarbaraCat, who described mixed states. I know it so well. My Bette Noir.
Are you on any kind of mood stabilizer? I think you've by-passed the part where you're taking an anti-bipoloar med. Is anything working for you? Lithium is the one that calms my demons, although they are forever present, just not so... pesky.
> Whoever that was up there that described their state when they are dysphoric, that is exactly how i feel as well.
>
> I suppose the only difference is that I've never done that on my own; only when given an anti depressent.
>
> Lexapro was the worst- it got me stuck in that HORRIBLE, HORRIFIC place of internal restless, hell, agitated, crawling out of my skin, racing thoughts, suicidal, and every other bad and dark thing of the mind you can think of.
>
> But then, in a split second, I would go from that experience, and swing waaaaaaay over and feel almost euphoric (which only lasted 10 minutes at the most).
>
> It was horrible.
>
> Now, I'm dealing mostly with cycling from feeling "normal", to anxious, to semi depressed (but not that deep, dark depression).
>
> The brain is so weird. Our bodies are just so complex. God's design was so intricate and when it gets messed up in the least bit, we go nuts and haywire.
>
> I really appreciated this post on dysphoric mania because it really described in words how I felt on Lexapro (and the weeks after discontinuing) in ways I could not explain.
Posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 12:51:40
In reply to Re: Lithium » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 23, 2005, at 20:19:21
Hi!
>I was on sertraline for years and liked it better than most of the SSRI type meds.
In what way did you prefer it to other SSRIs?
>I hope you continue to feel good and that nasty depression doesn't return.
Thank you :-) I hope you stay well too.
/Ed
Posted by B2chica on March 24, 2005, at 13:12:49
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania, posted by MoparFan91 on February 22, 2005, at 21:05:21
agree completely! it's like reading a bio. i'm really glad someone started this thread. my doctors have been scratching their heads kinda not sure where my symptoms are-cuz many 'slip through the cracks' on different meds. it's nice to know i'm not making all that up. and that this dysphoric mania is real. (i mean it's real to me but didn't know if i was alone in this or not)
-my last bout was pretty tough, lots of what you listed below. i wouldn't take my pills cuz i thought 'they' were trying to kill my kindred spirit, i had TONS of creative ideas but soon became scattered and angered. i was then convinced i needed to cut off my left hand, started to but didn't, luckily got off with only needing 5 stitches.) i think i'm going to try zyprexa again. 10mg. anyone on higher than that?depression on speed...interesting description.
B2c.> According to my experience, my mixed states present the following symptoms:
> Self-hatred
> Self-rage and damaging my own belongs
> Wailing/Crying
> Loneliness
> Extremely agitated and wanting to jump out of my skin
> Self-injury and cutting
> Things and people occasionally having a nightmarish quality to them
> Being anxiety-ridden, tense, and scared
> Suicidal impulses
> Certain kinds of music (whether from my stereo or in my head) makes me go crazy and bang my head on the table or wall
> Paranoia or thinking that others are against me
> Feelings that no one likes me
> Feeling removed from everyone and lost in a bad world
> Mental torturing with bad, scary thoughts in part due to the OCD
>
> I have problems with OCD along with the Bipolar, and when OCD symptoms happen during a mixed state, it can turn real ugly real fast. It's like my mind is 'sticking' and 'locking on' to certain bad thoughts, and they push me down further in the abyss and make me more anxious/agitated. It's next to impossible to get out of this state because of this.
>
> > i used to have purely "white" manias-- high energy, euphoric, magnetic, energizer bunny states that lasted months. i'd get so much done and feel so great, and people would inquire whether i was on amphetamines or wonder how i got everything done and didn't sleep.
> >
>
> I tend to get hypomanias where I feel boundless energy, elated, and laugh at about even the silliest things. I put a funny twist on everything. It's like feeling a little high (on some nitrous acid, or 'laughing gas'). I talk and talk and talk. I've acted obnoxious at times in this state.
>
> > when i had my first really serious depressive episode and was put on lexapro, it put me in a really bad place. the depression was blacker than ever, but while it had been the lethargic sort before, it became super-agitated akathisia like depression. this was nyc, and i used to go up to the roofs of high buildings with strong urges to throw myself off, partly from depression, and partly just because i felt so much agitation that i couldn't get away from myself. i had psychotic symptoms-- paranoid delusions that my room was bugged and people on the street would shoot me; visual hallucinations of blood and body parts; auditory hallucinations telling me to hurt myself. was this a dysphoric mania or a mixed state or an agitated depression? antidepressants in general tend to do bad things to me, especially without a strong mood stabilizer. the SSRIs are the worst, like for you.
> >
>
> I'm sorry to hear what you went through. It's a really bad feeling. I hope you're doing better.
>
> What you had above was definitely a mixed state. A mixed can feel like a form of akathisia to me. It's like wounded in a cage trying to get out but can't.
>
> Even on mood stabilizers, I became (hypo)manic on them. Eventually, I got to mood cycling faster and more fiercely on them, though the depression was better overall.
>
> > finally, i've recently had high energy states where i've felt cabin fever and had to keep moving and cleaning and doing. i couldn't sit still but wasn't doing anything that productive. it wasn't a white mania; i was definitely irritable, which isn't like me. i couldn't sleep, but unlike mania, where i don't feel the need to sleep, this was like depression where i wanted to sleep but couldn't. my energy level was high, but it was too much for my mood to handle in a way. is this dysphoric mania?
> >
>
> This is more like Dysphoric HypoMania to me. Irritability is a main component.
>
> > these are some of the states i've had. thoughts?
>
> Your agitated depression experience sounded very similar to what I went through before. Many times, I've felt like driving off a bridge in these states. Mixed States are more like impulsive depression or depression on Speed.
Posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Re: Lithium » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 12:51:40
> >I was on sertraline for years and liked it better than most of the SSRI type meds.
>
> In what way did you prefer it to other SSRIs?**It was smoother. I started taking it in 1986. Started out with Prozac after having taken some TCA's and trazodone. Prozac switched me into a nasty mixed state mania. Sertraline was noticeably easier, although I had to start out with a very small dose (I think 25mg instead of the standard 50mg) and work up slowly. I went through some typical bipolar/SSRI upheaval for about 2 weeks and then it calmed down and provided a good AD response for a number of years.
During the 9 years I was on it, off and on, it fizzled out and the dose kept rising. At one point I was taking 300mg for almost 2 years, which is way too high. Kept getting panic attacks and typical mixed states symptoms, but didn't know that I was bipolar and pdoc kept raising the dose of sertraline to handle 'depressive disorder'. I tried most of the other SSRI/SNRI type meds (again not knowing I was bipolar) as well but kept coming back to sertraline because of it's relatively mild ride.
I am currently taking Cymbalta (duloxetine) and am very happy with it's AD response. Don't know if it's out in the UK yet, as it's very new here, although sometimes you get them first. It has a very strong immediate NE response and is purported to address pain syndromes (like my fibromyalgia condition). I think it targets different receptor sites than the usual SS meds. But I have to go extremely slowly with this one.
I believe I mentioned the bizarre psychedelic effects I got with 30mg. I took alot of bravery to even consider ramping down to a new starting dose of 3 pellets. I'm now up to 12 pellets out of a capsule of 30mg, probably less than .5mg.
A few others on this board are experiencing similar effects at miniscule dosing. So far, this is the best AD I've been on. Effective lifting of a severe depression, doesn't cause mania, no sx (not at this dose at least) - and talk about cost effective! One capsule has lasted over 2 weeks. Since it's such a new med (put out by Lilly) and being heavily marketed, there must be a way as a pharmacy student to obtain some if you wanted to give it a try. - Barbara
>
> >I hope you continue to feel good and that nasty depression doesn't return.
>
> Thank you :-) I hope you stay well too.
>
> /Ed
Posted by CareBear04 on March 24, 2005, at 13:53:29
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania » MoparFan91, posted by B2chica on March 24, 2005, at 13:12:49
haha, depression on speed! that's so accurate. i hadn't read that before you mentioned it again in your post.
i'm so glad your hand is okay. that's really scary what happened!
i've only had zyprexa at 2.5mg, and that was too much. i grew fat and laid around all day. 10mg is ambitious. let us know how it turns out. have you tried any of the other atypicals?
Posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 14:01:49
In reply to Re: Lithium » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 13:21:23
Hi Barbaracat!
>Started out with Prozac after having taken some TCA's and trazodone...
How did trazodone affect you? Which TCAs did you try? Did they induce manic/mixed states?
>'depressive disorder'
When did you eventually get diagnosed with bipolar disorder?
>Don't know if it's out in the UK yet, as it's very new here, although sometimes you get them first.
We got it several months after you did. Here, duloxetine is marketed as Cymbalta for depression and as Yentreve for stress incontinence. I guess they don't want the people with stress incontinence to know they're taking a psych drug!!!
http://www.pharmj.com/Editorial/20050129/products/p107products.html#cymbalta
>I believe I mentioned the bizarre psychedelic effects I got with 30mg.
Yes, you mentioned the LSD-like effects!
>So far, this is the best AD I've been on. Effective lifting of a severe depression, doesn't cause mania, no sx (not at this dose at least) - and talk about cost effective! One capsule has lasted over 2 weeks.
I think it's great that you're doing so well :-)
I was worried about you reducing the lithium because you seem so healthy at the moment :-)
Kind regards,
Ed.
Posted by B2chica on March 24, 2005, at 15:39:40
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania » B2chica, posted by CareBear04 on March 24, 2005, at 13:53:29
tried
-risperdal (didn't seem to do anything for me) and -seroquel [mostly for sleep-which it worked like a charm but ended up with bad side effects (effecting cognition)] so stopped that.
-zyprexa at 10 worked for me before but my GP Rx it for me (initial Dx) then i went to see pdoc and he took me off it (that guy wouldn't listen to me either) then switced pdocs, now have a great one, but i was in the hospital for depression recently and had a 'freak out' day...(i don't think the nurses new what to make of it) i just needed to let it run it's course...anyway the pdoc there put me on 5mg of zyprexa, that just made me eat constantly and still didn't help 'up' feeling so i took myself off it, 4 days later i cut...smart huh. well, alls well that ends well. i'm healing physically and see pdoc tomorrow to discuss this wacky cr@p that's going on in my head.
later
B2c.> haha, depression on speed! that's so accurate. i hadn't read that before you mentioned it again in your post.
> i'm so glad your hand is okay. that's really scary what happened!
> i've only had zyprexa at 2.5mg, and that was too much. i grew fat and laid around all day. 10mg is ambitious. let us know how it turns out. have you tried any of the other atypicals?
Posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 15:59:23
In reply to Re: Cymbalta » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 14:01:49
> How did trazodone affect you?
**I liked it at first because it felt so calllmmm. I was bouncing around with moderate mixed-states so it was a nice change from the constant anxiety. It helped me sleep well at higher doses. The major drawback was getting up in the morning, never my strong point. It would take about 2 hours to get the cotton out of my head and I felt lethargic all day. I believe I was taking around 200mg for around 2 years and got tired of fighting off the lethargy. That's when Prozac came on the scene and my pdoc switched me over to it. Lasted about 1 month and then switched to sertraline, as we talked about. I think traz is a decent sleeping med at 50mg or so (still grogginess at that dose in the a.m. and feels like a histamine blockade effect). I now take Ambien for sleep instead. I don't believe many are using it for first-line AD relief but it could be a good adjunct.
>>Which TCAs did you try? Did they induce manic/mixed states?
**In my experience, no. When I first agreed I needed meds it was a big admission since this was the late '70s and I was the quintessential Ms. Natural. Didn't even wash my floors with anything non-organic. So the only things back then were the old standards, Elavil, Tofranil. I HATED the side effects. One did help, however, Surmontil, which I don't think they make anymore. But then, trazadone and then SSRIs came on the scene and most pdocs pretty much abandoned TCAs.
Recently, after my Mom died, I had to do something and went on Nortriptyline for about 6 months. I loved it, absolutely loved how I felt on it. As you can imagine, I was totally wigged out from losing my beloved Mom right around Christmas from a car hitting her while out on a walk. I was losing it, even on lithium and lamictal. So my pdoc, knowing my bad history with SSRIs suggested nortrip. It brought me out of that desperate place in 2 weeks and allowed me to deal with the grief normally. No, it did not induce mania, in fact brought me out of a severe mixed states depression in a gentle, light manner.
I'd be on it today if it weren't for two side effects that were intolerable - constant dry mouth and thirst, and constipation. I felt like it was dehydrating me no matter how much water, electrolytes, whatever I took. So I eased off taking it pretty rapidly. Very easy to stop, none of that nonsense like you get with SSRI discontinuation.
>
> When did you eventually get diagnosed with bipolar disorder?**About 2-1/2 years ago, mainly from researching on my own and the help of this board. It had actually been suggested to me years ago by an astute pdoc but I totally rejected the concept of it. I thought it meant 'really crazy' and meant either depressed or grandiose madcap manias and euphoria. Looking back now, I can see that I had more symptoms than I would admit, and many hypomanias which were too much fun, but major symptoms were wretched mixed states bipolar depression which was not classic anything - just scary and weird for everyone. Someone said 'depression on speed'. I'd add 'depression on speed AND bad acid'. Every one of my many docs were baffled by my symptoms and stuck me in the 'treatment resistant major depressive disorder with comorbid anxiety' slot. Mixed states was not recognized as even possible (up and down together?) until recently so I kept getting higher doses of SSRIs as I continued to get worse.
I followed a Babble poster's link to www.psycheducation.org, read about mixed states, and with great relief thought to myself 'I'm not alone! That's me!', suggested this to my pdoc who put me on lithium and the rest is history. But I can't help lamenting how traumatized my receptors were for so many years and wondering how things would be now if this had been caught sooner. I'm just grateful it was.
>
> Cymbalta for depression and as Yentreve for stress incontinence. I guess they don't want the people with stress incontinence to know they're taking a psych drug!!!**Or smokers knowing they're taking wellbutrin.
>
> I was worried about you reducing the lithium because you seem so healthy at the moment :-)**'Oh, I can reduce my meds!' Isn't this a common misperception we make when we're feeling better? I think I'll stick with my 600mg lithium for now.
Really, Ed, if you're thinking of an AD, consider low dose Cymbalta before settling on sertraline. IMHO, as long as you don't start out too high, there's no comparison. Be well, my friend. - Barbara
>
> Kind regards,
> Ed.
Posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 18:23:00
In reply to Re: Cymbalta TCAs mixed states » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 15:59:23
Hello!
>Elavil...
I only lasted one day on amitriptyline. I was almost unconscious for 24 hours- couldn't keep my eyes open!! Dothiepin (Prothiaden) was bad too. Very bad dry mouth with these drugs. Urination was VERY difficult.
>Elavil, Tofranil. I HATED the side effects.
What side effects did you have?
>One did help, however, Surmontil, which I don't think they make anymore.
It's still available here :-)
>Nortriptyline
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's strange how pdocs sometimes say that TCAs are more likely to induce mania than SSRIs and yet patients often find the opposite.
>About 2-1/2 years ago....
I'm surprised your pdocs didn't spot it earlier- it sounds like you've had some quite 'classic' manias as well as the mixed states and depressions.
>I think I'll stick with my 600mg lithium for now.
:-)
Regards,
Ed.
Posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 19:39:43
In reply to Re: Cymbalta TCAs mixed states » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 18:23:00
> I only lasted one day on amitriptyline. I was almost unconscious for 24 hours- couldn't keep my eyes open!!
>
> >Elavil, Tofranil. I HATED the side effects.
>
> What side effects did you have?**Same as you - walking around unconscious and with strange stiffness in my fingers and peripheral skeletal muscles. Couldn't pee.
> >
> It's strange how pdocs sometimes say that TCAs are more likely to induce mania than SSRIs and yet patients often find the opposite.**Yes, that seems unfortunate.
>
> >About 2-1/2 years ago....
> I'm surprised your pdocs didn't spot it earlier- it sounds like you've had some quite 'classic' manias as well as the mixed states and depressions.
>
**I don't think mixed states are an easy marker for a dx of bipolar, but certainly, something else was obviously going on with me than just depression. My mixed states depressions were so severe and psychotic I don't think my docs knew what to do with me. Antipsychotics were tried but didn't help. I strongly resisted the label 'bipolar' and bipolars can be pretty persuasive, don't keep appointments when they're flying high. But to be honest, I think pdocs miss the obvious far too often and a really good one is a rare thing.**BTW, what kinds of MAOIs are you considering, Ed? I hear good things about Nardil.
Posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 20:03:07
In reply to Re: Cymbalta TCAs mixed states » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 24, 2005, at 19:39:43
Hello!
>I don't think mixed states are an easy marker for a dx of bipolar, but certainly, something else was obviously going on with me than just depression....
I thought you'd had some euphoric manias as well as the mixed states?
>BTW, what kinds of MAOIs are you considering, Ed?
I'd like to try Parnate. I've tried moclobemide (Manerix, Aurorix) but it didn't help- it doesn't seem to help many people to be honest!
Ed.
Posted by barbaracat on March 25, 2005, at 0:47:37
In reply to Re: MAOI » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 24, 2005, at 20:03:07
> I thought you'd had some euphoric manias as well as the mixed states?
**Yes indeed. Some wild and crazy times but part of it was the times and just part of my nature growing up. I think bipolar takes whatever is naturally there and super-fuels the energy to extremes. The euphoric states were no doubt manias too but so sublime, so close to Spirit, more real than here. I've always been drawn to that place, my foot in both worlds, but mania fuels it to the point of exhaustion. Like, c'mon angels, quit with the heavenly choir so I can sleep.
But who can say what's going on? I suspect that there's some gate that opens, a chemical antenna that is sensitive to other frequencies. Maybe it's the consolation for the rest of it. Kay Redfield Jamison said she wouldn't trade it, even with all the hell. I think I agree, but ask me during the hell and I definitely would not.
>
>
> I'd like to try Parnate.**I believe that's Nardil in the US? Well, I wish you the best with it but hope you won't need it. A question for you. You say you're a student in pharmacy. How do you manage it when you're going through a difficult time? I'm thinking of going back to school but am concerned about the stress.
Posted by ed_uk on March 25, 2005, at 10:40:49
In reply to Re: MAOI » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 25, 2005, at 0:47:37
Hi!
>I believe that's Nardil in the US?
Phenelzine (Nardil in the UK and the US)
Tranylcypromine (Parnate in the UK and US)>How do you manage it when you're going through a difficult time?
I didn't manage at all well last semester I'm afraid. I didn't sit my January exams, I'll be doing them in August with the people who've got resits. Oh well....
Kind regards,
Ed.
Posted by barbaracat on March 25, 2005, at 12:37:55
In reply to Re: MAOIs » barbaracat, posted by ed_uk on March 25, 2005, at 10:40:49
> I didn't manage at all well last semester I'm afraid. I didn't sit my January exams, I'll be doing them in August with the people who've got resits. Oh well....
>
**I'll be rooting for you. With all your personal experience, you'll bring alot to the profession, and we sure need it. There should be special universities for 'wounded healers' - less stress, more time, more understanding. - Barbara
Posted by ed_uk on March 25, 2005, at 12:54:51
In reply to Re: MAOIs » ed_uk, posted by barbaracat on March 25, 2005, at 12:37:55
Hello,
>With all your personal experience, you'll bring alot to the profession...
Thank you xx
Ed.
Posted by extremethings on October 1, 2007, at 16:19:09
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by Spriggy on March 23, 2005, at 15:21:24
I'm looking for someone who can possibly understand me, maybe even guide me towards a better way. I read your post after searching endlessly about bipolar and dyphoric mania, just trying to better understand myself so I don't hate myself so much. How can I love so strongly, yet hurt those same people so badly? What I am about to share I am more ashamed of than any of the other many mistakes and risky behaviors that have been such a part of my life since early adolescence. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I don’t want to live. I have always felt this way. Yes, I have good days, and great days, days that I am on top of the world and never think about dying. But most days I pray God would take me away. The only reason I have yet to go through with suicide is because I know that act would cause the ones I love so dearly more pain than any bad decision I could make. I hate myself for these deep, passionate, emotional feelings. I should know better, I do know better, but so often I do so wrong. What is so wrong with me….? I disgust myself.
Posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 9:57:12
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by extremethings on October 1, 2007, at 16:19:09
> I'm looking for someone who can possibly understand me, maybe even guide me towards a better way. I read your post after searching endlessly about bipolar and dyphoric mania, just trying to better understand myself so I don't hate myself so much. How can I love so strongly, yet hurt those same people so badly? What I am about to share I am more ashamed of than any of the other many mistakes and risky behaviors that have been such a part of my life since early adolescence. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I don’t want to live. I have always felt this way. Yes, I have good days, and great days, days that I am on top of the world and never think about dying. But most days I pray God would take me away. The only reason I have yet to go through with suicide is because I know that act would cause the ones I love so dearly more pain than any bad decision I could make. I hate myself for these deep, passionate, emotional feelings. I should know better, I do know better, but so often I do so wrong. What is so wrong with me….? I disgust myself.
First of all, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! You have an illness. You don't mention if you are seeing a psychiatrist and are you taking any medication and what? What meds have you tried in the past?
Don't give up!! You will get better in time. It is difficult and frustrating to find the right med combo to treat bipolar disorders. I left my husband when I was on 40 mg of Paxil before I was diagnosed and put on a mood stabilizer. I had antidepressant induced hypomania. I moved out of the house with my son and had an affair. Got a new car, and thought I was on top of the world. Granted we did have some problems (he likes his alcohol) but not enough to do what I did. This was totally out of character for me. I was always a grounded level headed person. To make a long story short, we got back together and he forgave me. You are not alone!Polarbear
Posted by extremethings on October 2, 2007, at 11:50:55
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania » extremethings, posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 9:57:12
Thank you so much for writing me. I should KNOW I'm not alone, but I feel so alone. My closest friends and family don't even really know me. I seem to so many people like I have it together- I'm supposed to be the one helping others, but I can't help myself. I'm taking 750 mg. Depakote and 225 Effexor. It was the first combination of meds that I responded to positively. When I first started seeing my psychiatrist, I was in grad school and going through a bout of depression. I was doing so well in school, yet I was so suicidal. I tried Wellbutrin, which I had a bad reaction to (hives, titinitus) and then was off meds for a while. Around Christmas of that year, I remember becoming manic, which is when I was put on the Depakote. Since, I have been able to much better control my moods, but still I'm trying on my own- alone. My dad is Bipolar and has recently been hospitalized due to his mania. He becomes literally psychotic, delusional, and sometimes experiences hallucinations. My parents marriage is falling apart and here I am, making choices against who I know I am and yet, not able to stop. It is like I'm on top of the world with him, but yet I'm so miserable. I'm not myself. I have actually considering throwing away a beautiful marriage with a wonderful man who tries to love me, problems and all, for someone who is an alcoholic, has no license (DUI's), and who I have spent too much time with endulging myself in everything from drugs to sex. During these last two years, I've developed and kicked a bad coke habit. I used to be into all kinds of drugs when I was in high school. My husband and I smoke weed, but he was always against the hard drugs and hard drinking. Somehow, we let each other go and I relapsed hard into coke. I had to quit because my septum is almost gone and if I didn't get help, I would have killed myself or my nose would have collapsed. I've been off coke now for almost 3 months. I still smoke and drink and yet I know if I want to get better, I need to not only get my bipolar under control, but I need to also recover from my many addictions. I just don't know where to go from here, how to ask for help, how to ask my husband to forgive me. This man I am with is his friend and has told me he doesn't know if he could live with himself if we were to tell my husband that he has "loved me back". I feel so stuck- so confused- I always hurt the ones I love and I really don't want to. I would do anything for them, including end my own life to make them happy. It is too bad that is the one thing, no matter how much I hurt them, that is the one thing they've asked me not to do. It is so hard living only because you don't want to hurt the ones who love you.
Posted by extremethings on October 2, 2007, at 12:05:14
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania, posted by MoparFan91 on February 22, 2005, at 21:05:21
I just have to say, never before have I read so many people, diagnosed with Bipolar, describe experiences exactly like mine. I have always wondered, what is wrong with me? So many Bipolar people, my father included (which is what I personally grew up knowing Bipolar to be) have euphoric, "good" feelings when manic, and experience a very separate, dark depression. I have always felt that when I have some of the best energy, close to what I know mania to be, I am so easily angered, with a strong hatred towards myself. I want to hurt myself- I have so many times. I would love to kill myself, but that would others so I can't. I'm stuck at those moments with the person I hate the most- me. And I just want to punish myself. I'm haunted by nightmares, my mind tortures me whether I am awake or able to sleep. I just thank God these moments don't last for ever. I couldn't last.
Posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 21:51:58
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by extremethings on October 2, 2007, at 11:50:55
> Thank you so much for writing me. I should KNOW I'm not alone, but I feel so alone. My closest friends and family don't even really know me. I seem to so many people like I have it together- I'm supposed to be the one helping others, but I can't help myself. I'm taking 750 mg. Depakote and 225 Effexor. It was the first combination of meds that I responded to positively. When I first started seeing my psychiatrist, I was in grad school and going through a bout of depression. I was doing so well in school, yet I was so suicidal. I tried Wellbutrin, which I had a bad reaction to (hives, titinitus) and then was off meds for a while. Around Christmas of that year, I remember becoming manic, which is when I was put on the Depakote. Since, I have been able to much better control my moods, but still I'm trying on my own- alone. My dad is Bipolar and has recently been hospitalized due to his mania. He becomes literally psychotic, delusional, and sometimes experiences hallucinations. My parents marriage is falling apart and here I am, making choices against who I know I am and yet, not able to stop. It is like I'm on top of the world with him, but yet I'm so miserable. I'm not myself. I have actually considering throwing away a beautiful marriage with a wonderful man who tries to love me, problems and all, for someone who is an alcoholic, has no license (DUI's), and who I have spent too much time with endulging myself in everything from drugs to sex. During these last two years, I've developed and kicked a bad coke habit. I used to be into all kinds of drugs when I was in high school. My husband and I smoke weed, but he was always against the hard drugs and hard drinking. Somehow, we let each other go and I relapsed hard into coke. I had to quit because my septum is almost gone and if I didn't get help, I would have killed myself or my nose would have collapsed. I've been off coke now for almost 3 months. I still smoke and drink and yet I know if I want to get better, I need to not only get my bipolar under control, but I need to also recover from my many addictions. I just don't know where to go from here, how to ask for help, how to ask my husband to forgive me. This man I am with is his friend and has told me he doesn't know if he could live with himself if we were to tell my husband that he has "loved me back". I feel so stuck- so confused- I always hurt the ones I love and I really don't want to. I would do anything for them, including end my own life to make them happy. It is too bad that is the one thing, no matter how much I hurt them, that is the one thing they've asked me not to do. It is so hard living only because you don't want to hurt the ones who love you.
You have so many outside stressors that are exacerbating you bipolar. You need to concentrate on YOU and getting better. You might have to increase the depakote if you are still cycling. Have you tried to cut back on the effexor to see if this is contributing to the cycling? Most of all, you need to get help for your addictions or your problems will never cease. Its important you have a support system and be around people that have a positive influence on you. Does your husband understand the depths of your illness? How supportive is he? If he is still abusing substances, he needs to stop too for your sake and the sake of your marriage. You need to come clean with your doctor if he is in the dark about your addictions. He should be able to assit you with finding help for this.Polarbear
Posted by extremethings on October 4, 2007, at 18:34:04
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 21:51:58
I've made an appointment to see my doctor Tuesday. I'm taking off of work to go- I say it like I feel guilty. I've always had a hard time taking care of myself, the right way. I have never come clean with my doctor- I trust her and I like working with her, but to be honest I've been afraid of the truth. I know what I should be doing, but it is like I can't stop, until I'm so miserable again that I have to or I'll kill myself. Then, I start to get help and as soon as I feel better, I begin to drift away, back into my own insanity. Thank you for being honest- I need to hear the truth, whether or not I want to. I know I need to come clean, that has been the hardest thing. And my husband and I, well we love smoking together. We've never not smoked together- 9 years, and I've been smoking since 12. And with my illness, my husband is great, most of the time. But that has been a long time coming- we both are learning how to understand me, communicate with me, and cope with the roller coster of intesnse emotions. I have to completely change the way I care for myself, and I dont know how.
Posted by polarbear206 on October 5, 2007, at 9:07:59
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by extremethings on October 4, 2007, at 18:34:04
> I've made an appointment to see my doctor Tuesday. I'm taking off of work to go- I say it like I feel guilty. I've always had a hard time taking care of myself, the right way. I have never come clean with my doctor- I trust her and I like working with her, but to be honest I've been afraid of the truth. I know what I should be doing, but it is like I can't stop, until I'm so miserable again that I have to or I'll kill myself. Then, I start to get help and as soon as I feel better, I begin to drift away, back into my own insanity. Thank you for being honest- I need to hear the truth, whether or not I want to. I know I need to come clean, that has been the hardest thing. And my husband and I, well we love smoking together. We've never not smoked together- 9 years, and I've been smoking since 12. And with my illness, my husband is great, most of the time. But that has been a long time coming- we both are learning how to understand me, communicate with me, and cope with the roller coster of intesnse emotions. I have to completely change the way I care for myself, and I dont know how.
I'm so glad that you made an appointment with your doctor. Facing you fears and the truth is a big step in the right direction. You and your doctor have to work as a team and you can't be a team player if your not honest with her. Taking care of yourself is your number one priority. Don't expect it to happen overnight, because it won't. You have to take baby steps, knowing that you have a long history of habitual substance abuse. I think you doctor will be proud of you for coming clean with her, and this will help tremendously with her plan of care and the next direction to take.Be Well
Polarbear
Posted by mqduck on October 7, 2007, at 10:50:23
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania » MoparFan91, posted by barbaracat on March 21, 2005, at 18:40:37
"I refer to them as Edgar Allen Poe lost in a graveyard on bad acid."
Wow, I love it. That's beautiful. Here's my description, somewhat more literal: "passionate depression".
This is the end of the thread.
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