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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
I'm having overwhelming thoughts...I don't want to do it. I have a good life. I just can't get past this depression. I have horrible thoughts. My father was murdered 3 years ago. Some bitch set him on fire. This is when it all started. It was horrible. He lived for a week after the fact. That made it even worse. I saw him in the burn unit and completly broke down. They even spelled his name wrong (strange how we notice things). Numerous things...seeing him so swollen, burned, in pain. I hadn't spoken to him in 10 years prior. He left us and I completey shut him off. I feel guilt for not contacting him. But, he gave us up... He went into convulsions when I spoke to him. I had to endure the court system. Thankfully she is in jail for life. I was in college at the time. My professors pretty much passed me without thought. The worst part was when my aunt (his sister) had him cremated. Finished it off.
I need help....can't get past this. I'm on Effexor, Not a high enough dose. I love my life, but am consumed with thoughts of death.
Posted by LouF on November 15, 2000, at 23:49:25
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
> I'm having overwhelming thoughts...I don't want to do it. I have a good life. I just can't get past this depression. I have horrible thoughts. My father was murdered 3 years ago. Some bitch set him on fire. This is when it all started. It was horrible. He lived for a week after the fact. That made it even worse. I saw him in the burn unit and completly broke down. They even spelled his name wrong (strange how we notice things). Numerous things...seeing him so swollen, burned, in pain. I hadn't spoken to him in 10 years prior. He left us and I completey shut him off. I feel guilt for not contacting him. But, he gave us up... He went into convulsions when I spoke to him. I had to endure the court system. Thankfully she is in jail for life. I was in college at the time. My professors pretty much passed me without thought. The worst part was when my aunt (his sister) had him cremated. Finished it off.
>
> I need help....can't get past this. I'm on Effexor, Not a high enough dose. I love my life, but am consumed with thoughts of death.jen, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! Hope you'll talk to a pdoc or therapist ASAP. Just remember, you're cared about here!
Posted by Shirley on November 16, 2000, at 5:25:43
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
Jen,
I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what it's like to have had those experiences.
Regarding feeling suicidal, I can relate as I experienced that 5 years ago. What got me through it was thinking about who would miss me if I were to be gone. I would also just try to get through the next 15 minutes with the hope that something would make me change this feeling.
Any possibility of doing something like that?What are your interests? Even if it's hard to get interested in anything, try to force yourself, ok?
Regarding being on a high enough dose of Effexor, I assume you've discussed this with your psychiatrist? Is the Effexor usually helping but you're getting these breakthrough episodes of depression? Also, as Lou mentioned, hopefully, you're talking about this with your p-doc or therapist.
Finally, Jen, I just want to give you a big cyber hug and that I'll be thinking about you.
Shirley
Posted by Racer on November 16, 2000, at 12:22:25
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Shirley on November 16, 2000, at 5:25:43
Oh, Jen, what a terrible thing to have to go through! Thank God you know you want to live.
Meanwhile, I had the same problem with Effexor (Effexor XR, at least), it helped, but not enough. I was on as high a dose as I could be, felt OK -- EXCEPT for being fixated on suicide.
Adding a little Prozac worked a treat for me, maybe your doctor would try augmenting it for you?
Here's the reasoning my doctor and I went through:
1. The Effexor didn't have many side effects, but didn't finish fixing the job.
2. SSRIs had worked for me in the past, but in high doses with tons of side effects.
3. Try the Effexor at the highish dose with the few side effects, with an SSRI at a low dose to avoid side effects.The results? Still can't play the violin, Doc, but at least I recognise the joke.
Best wishes to you, dear, and when you feel worst, remember that people here are very nice.
Posted by Noa on November 16, 2000, at 15:56:46
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Racer on November 16, 2000, at 12:22:25
Jen, How incredibly traumatic for you.
I agree that you need to talk to your therapist and pdoc, both about adjusting the meds, and about getting extra support to see you through this current crisis.
Sometimes a med, like effexor works better at a higher dose, or if augmented by another med.
You need extra support right now.
I think it is poignant how you did remember the details, like your father's name misspelled. I think it meant a lot to you, and I think in times of trauma, people do notice thes things.
I hope you will reach out for the support you need in person, like you did here. We can help you think of who would be good to turn to right now.
Posted by ChrisK on November 17, 2000, at 7:19:43
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
Jen,
I've been very close to your situation. I had obsessive thoughts of death and suicide that went along with two suicide attempts. During my third stay in a Psych hospital I was introduced to Zyprexa. It is listed as an anti-psychotic but works very well for depression and obsessive thoughts.
I reacted to it within a week. It cleared up my thinking 100%. I still have problems with depression and anhedonia but I don't havve the same obsession with suicide that I once had.
Please talk to our doctor about your thoughts and consider something like Zyprexa, Seraquel or Risperdal that may help you with both the depression and the ruminating thoughts.
E-mail me if you want. I was there two years ago and it's tough.
My Best,
Chris
Posted by KellyG on November 17, 2000, at 11:42:42
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
Inner child therapy with a counselor did me a world of good. I was able to go back to me at the ages of abuse, whether physical or mental, become angry at that age, and then throw that emotional baggage on a baggage carousel which sent that anger, disappointment, and frustration right back to the hell from whence it came. It's taken a dozen visits over 6 months, but BOY! Do I feel better. Now, when I get angry about betrayal or the other items which make me furious, I just close my eyes and go to that baggage carousel and throw it away, no matter if it's makeup case or steamer trunk in size. Check in to it!
Posted by Jen111111111 on November 18, 2000, at 1:23:00
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by KellyG on November 17, 2000, at 11:42:42
Thank you all for the posts. I'm doing okay. One day at a time. It means so much to me. The past couple days have been good. I do have a question though....my doc gave me samples of Effexor XR, but when I got the perscription filled it's the regular stuff. Is this going to mess me up???????
Posted by Boots on November 18, 2000, at 12:11:06
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 18, 2000, at 1:23:00
I have had obsessive suicidal thoughts for about 15 years so I can relate
to that problem. However, I haven't had anything as traumatic as your
situation. Almost sounds like a PTSD situation and may take quite a long
time to recover from something that traumatic.EffexorXR has been very good for me in regard to the suicidal thoughts. I am on
225mg since July 99 and I don't seem to have those awful thoughts going around
in my head since I am on it. I tried to cut down and considered going off of it, but
the thoughts came back and scared me.My father had 3 suicides in his family which is a very unusual situation.
His father, brother, and sister all committed suicide. My father, however, did not seem
to even consider it until he got lung cancer and died a horrible death. I don't know if it runs in other families or is a genetic problem.
I have read about it and haven't found a definite reason. But my father's family
were all severely affected by this.The thoughts seem to be underneath for me all of the time in varying degrees.
The only thing that has helped is an understanding therapist and my 3 dogs. I am
single with no children. My dogs keep me grounded and I hate to think of what might
happen to them if I were gone. Also I promised my mother I would not do anything.
Also even though I have these thoughts when things seem gloomy and upsetting, I do not seem
to be able to actually take any action on the thoughts.EffexorXR has definitely helped me. I have been on probably 10 or 15 different antidepressants in the
last 15 years and it is the best for this problem.
Posted by Jen111111111 on November 18, 2000, at 14:13:56
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
Thank you for all the posts. It's hard to talk to people about my situation because that just can't believe what I went through. Thank you all for being understanding. I am doing better. The thoughts are still there but, I know I wont act on it. I'm just taking things one day at a time and it's helping. Jen
Posted by S Howard on November 19, 2000, at 2:41:35
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor » Jen111111111, posted by LouF on November 15, 2000, at 23:49:25
Please ask for help, obviously the Effexor is not working or not working well enough. In the hospital, they can moniter your reaction to different drugs. While this might make you feel like a guinea pig, think of the months or years you will save while your pdoc tries out medication that may or may not help. I believe anybody with suicidal thoughts should be hospitalized immediately - it probably saved my life. I didn't want to go to the hospital but once I was admitted, to my absolute shock, I felt a great weight lifting from my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend I was "normal". I didn't have to force myself to go to work. I didn't have to feel guilty about the cooking and cleaning that I wasn't doing. I had other people to talk to with the same kind of problems. I felt like I was finally getting help after so many years of "toughing it out" on my own. I got a sedative if I couldn't sleep (but only if I asked). Nobody tied me down or forced me to do anything...eventually I felt so incredibly relieved, so cared-for by the doctors, nurses, the other patients and the people who came to visit, that I didn't really want to go home!Please please consider asking your pdoc to admit you to a good hospital.As for your father, I know it doesn't help to say that you should feel no guilt...but you shouldn't. Not only did you have nothing to do with his death, the course he chartered for himself in life was AWAY from you. So you owe him nothing. In fact, in my wildest dreams, no matter what the circumstances- come hell or high water-
I could not imagine abandoning my kids. I would die first. But my father did it to me and your father did it to you - so, again, we owe them nothing. We owe them less than nothing.Very occasionally in this world, what goes around comes around, but this is only serendipity. People rarely get what they deserve. Your father wasn't "punished" with death because he left you...it just doesn't work like that, although we usually wish it would. Like I said: he made a decision to leave and not look back - he chose his own destiny, and you had nothing to do with it.
I watched my beloved aunt die horribly from cancer. She was so sweet and so much fun; she loved people, loved to party, had a heart as big as Texas...so why her? It was so wrong, so unfair, but these decisions are not ours. After a time, although she was still breathing, I knew her spirit was gone. It had emerged from the withered shell of her body and flown away, free from pain. While her body still responded to physical stimuli, this was simply a programmed, knee-jerk reaction and not a concious decision. She was gone, she had BEEN gone. Her body was simply a vehicle to get around in this world and she no longer had use for it.
Although this is strictly my opinion, I would have opted for cremation in your father's case. The purpose of an open-casket funeral is to allow mourners a last goodbye...the purpose is not to horrify. I'm sure your father's friends wanted to remember him as he was before he was burned.
Finally, your father was not in as much pain as you imagine. First, because we have drugs that can reach any pain. Second, because burning cauterizes the nerve endings. This would only be the case for a no-code- otherwise you would have quite a lot of pain to deal with (with skin grafts, etc.) and, down the road, concern about addiction.
Time to shut up! My prayers are with you.
-Gracie
Posted by R.Anne on November 22, 2000, at 22:41:57
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
I can relate to your situation about witnessing a loved one pass in such a tragic manner and also about the thoughts of death being there. I am on Effexor too and I found that .25 (extremely low dose)of risperdal has helped to keep my mood from sinking too low. It also stops the obsessing about suicide. Why don't you ask your doc about rispedal at a low dose. It worked wonders for me. I only get fleeting thoughts now-they leave fast. I know these holidays are hard too but Happy Thanksgiving to you, Jen, and to anyone who reads this, too. Things can improve, remember it will get better, it will get better, it will get better-there's something to obsess on! Take care and remember that doctor is there to help and call whenever you need him. r.anne.
Posted by Jen111111111 on November 23, 2000, at 9:25:57
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor-How's it going now Jen?, posted by R.Anne on November 22, 2000, at 22:41:57
Things are much better now. I think the Effexor is kicking in. It's been 2 months now. I had a really hard time switching from celexa to effexor and think it may have contributed to my obsessive thoughts. It hasn't happened since and I'm very relieved. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Take care
Jen
Posted by Boots on November 26, 2000, at 11:43:24
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor ==== R.Anne, posted by Jen111111111 on November 23, 2000, at 9:25:57
Those obsessive suicidal thoughts scare me. Effexor does
help with that, but sometimes it makes me wonder what it
is doing to other more constructive thoughts. I'll do
anything to keep from having the suicidal thoughts because
when they start they are hard to stop and who knows what might
happen. Very scary. Boots
Posted by R.Anne on November 26, 2000, at 22:24:59
In reply to Re: Suicide.....on Effexor ==== R.Anne, posted by Boots on November 26, 2000, at 11:43:24
> Those obsessive suicidal thoughts scare me. Effexor does
> help with that, but sometimes it makes me wonder what it
> is doing to other more constructive thoughts. I'll do
> anything to keep from having the suicidal thoughts because
> when they start they are hard to stop and who knows what might
> happen. Very scary. Boots
****Don't worry, you will still have all your constructive thoughts and probably many more of them. I am starting to feel more energetic the past few days, too, and I take effexor, too. I agree about not needing the destructive thoughts--I've had enough of them.
Posted by annie8 on December 2, 2000, at 14:47:17
In reply to Suicide.....on Effexor, posted by Jen111111111 on November 15, 2000, at 21:38:14
hi there, I would really suggest you go see a therapist, and begin to share your pain with someone, maybe you already are, if so continue, you could also seek out a support group in your area, either for grief or for family of murder victims, I know they have them, a support group for grief would be terrific, holding the pain inside is why you feel so terrible, it is time to reach out for support with other people who really understand....
your in my thoughts if that helps any, I am sending you love through the air..take care,
annie
> I'm having overwhelming thoughts...I don't want to do it. I have a good life. I just can't get past this depression. I have horrible thoughts. My father was murdered 3 years ago. Some bitch set him on fire. This is when it all started. It was horrible. He lived for a week after the fact. That made it even worse. I saw him in the burn unit and completly broke down. They even spelled his name wrong (strange how we notice things). Numerous things...seeing him so swollen, burned, in pain. I hadn't spoken to him in 10 years prior. He left us and I completey shut him off. I feel guilt for not contacting him. But, he gave us up... He went into convulsions when I spoke to him. I had to endure the court system. Thankfully she is in jail for life. I was in college at the time. My professors pretty much passed me without thought. The worst part was when my aunt (his sister) had him cremated. Finished it off.
>
> I need help....can't get past this. I'm on Effexor, Not a high enough dose. I love my life, but am consumed with thoughts of death.
This is the end of the thread.
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