Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rach on June 3, 2000, at 3:09:05
Hi everyone,
I stumbled across this site when doing a search for more info on zoloft. Just thought I had better introduce myself and tell my story.I'm 19, a uni student and from Australia. I was prescribed zoloft over a year ago now after about 4 years of obvious insomnia (and less obvious depression). I took one tablet and then refused to believe I was depressed. I flushed the other tablets, and continued on my merry way of constant sleepless nights and incessant illness. At the start of this year, I had two operations to try to correct all my illness problems, but it seemed to do little good. I was finally beginning to believe I was depressed. Then one morning, I couldn't get out of bed. I missed a uni exam, and several other vital and compulsory classes. I spent the next two days in bed, and then two days after that in my room (but I did manage to get out of bed). I had been not turning up to my part time job, and hadn't attended uni lectures for over two months. I was suffering, and felt like I was drowning, constantly battling to keep my nose above the waves crashing around me. I was lazy, lost all interest in anything I had ever enjoyed. I was gorging on food. All I wanted from my life was to live in my bed and eat chocolate. I wanted no part of the outside world.
Then I got really sick of being in constant pity for myself, and I could see how miserable my life had become. I didn't want to be this pathetic shadow of myself. I went and saw a uni counsellor, who referred me to a doctor she works in conjunction with. I now see both of them once or twice a week (I'm very lucky in that my visits are free for me - the uni pays the costs), and was prescribed zoloft again about 3 weeks ago. Things are getting a bit easier, although things still are a constant struggle. It becomes such an effort sometimes to simply get dressed or have breakfast. I quit my job, and my uni work is suffering. I have exams next week, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm pushing myself and trying to be strong...I just need to remember what I am trying to achieve, and that is to regain control of my life, and live on my terms, to live the way I want.
I wish you all the best in your lives.
Rach
Posted by Tina1 on June 3, 2000, at 6:21:26
In reply to I'm New (whoops..very long), posted by Rach on June 3, 2000, at 3:09:05
> Hi everyone,
> I stumbled across this site when doing a search for more info on zoloft. Just thought I had better introduce myself and tell my story.
>
> I'm 19, a uni student and from Australia. I was prescribed zoloft over a year ago now after about 4 years of obvious insomnia (and less obvious depression). I took one tablet and then refused to believe I was depressed. I flushed the other tablets, and continued on my merry way of constant sleepless nights and incessant illness. At the start of this year, I had two operations to try to correct all my illness problems, but it seemed to do little good. I was finally beginning to believe I was depressed. Then one morning, I couldn't get out of bed. I missed a uni exam, and several other vital and compulsory classes. I spent the next two days in bed, and then two days after that in my room (but I did manage to get out of bed). I had been not turning up to my part time job, and hadn't attended uni lectures for over two months. I was suffering, and felt like I was drowning, constantly battling to keep my nose above the waves crashing around me. I was lazy, lost all interest in anything I had ever enjoyed. I was gorging on food. All I wanted from my life was to live in my bed and eat chocolate. I wanted no part of the outside world.
>
> Then I got really sick of being in constant pity for myself, and I could see how miserable my life had become. I didn't want to be this pathetic shadow of myself. I went and saw a uni counsellor, who referred me to a doctor she works in conjunction with. I now see both of them once or twice a week (I'm very lucky in that my visits are free for me - the uni pays the costs), and was prescribed zoloft again about 3 weeks ago. Things are getting a bit easier, although things still are a constant struggle. It becomes such an effort sometimes to simply get dressed or have breakfast. I quit my job, and my uni work is suffering. I have exams next week, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm pushing myself and trying to be strong...I just need to remember what I am trying to achieve, and that is to regain control of my life, and live on my terms, to live the way I want.
>
> I wish you all the best in your lives.
> RachThe last line of your post sounds very positive and a positive attitude can make all the difference. With a will like that I'm sure you'll be fine and do great on your exams. The hardest part for you is over, you have sought help. It takes a lot of courage to do that and to share your story with us, thank-you. I think you'll be fine. You have all my best wishes and prayers and I'll say a few extra for your exams. Best of luck and keep in touch.---Tina
Posted by Noa on June 3, 2000, at 12:36:16
In reply to Re: I'm New (whoops..very long) » Rach, posted by Tina1 on June 3, 2000, at 6:21:26
Welcome, Rach!
I am impressed with you, so young and so articulate, and well on your way to getting a handle on depression. I wish I could have done that at your age. Perhaps it was the absence of effective meds, public awareness, etc., but I also think you have a gift.
Keep this in mind: Sometimes this can be a very rocky road, with periods of struggle and frustration, but if you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, you can continue on in a forward direction. My biggest hurdle, I think, has been trying to run away from depression, rather than face it head on. And in learning to face it head on, I am learning that the most healthful thing to do is to accept myself as this person who has struggled, and may struggle again, with depression, not to reject myself for it.
Your "take life on my own terms" attitude is a good one. There are no laws dictating the pace at which you must live your life or achieve your goals. Slowing down is often very good medicine. I am glad you are able to allow yourself to do that.
Also, keep this in mind: treating depression early makes for a better prognosis. You are young and are treating your depression now. This means, hopefully, you will avoid years of damage to your brain that chronic, untreated depression can cause. The damage makes one more likely to have recurrent episodes and a worsening course. For you, that is not likely to happen, because you are getting a hold of it earlier rather than later.
Good luck on exams. What is the worst that can happen if you don't do well? Nothing that can't be dealt with, right?
Keep us posted, and Welcome.
PS---I am sure Deb from Australia will be glad for the company here !
Posted by Deb R on June 4, 2000, at 5:55:25
In reply to I'm New (whoops..very long), posted by Rach on June 3, 2000, at 3:09:05
Hi Rach - great to see another Aussie here at babble. I dont know much about zoloft but there are many here who know so much and will be able to help you. Have included most of your post here as you posted just as there was an 'archive'. I am sure there are many out there who can help you. I have a few questions for you, which I have put at the end of your initial post.
> I'm 19, a uni student and from Australia. I was prescribed zoloft over a year ago now after about 4 years of obvious insomnia (and less obvious depression). I took one tablet and then refused to believe I was depressed. I flushed the other tablets, and continued on my merry way of constant sleepless nights and incessant illness. At the start of this year, I had two operations to try to correct all my illness problems, but it seemed to do little good. I was finally beginning to believe I was depressed. Then one morning, I couldn't get out of bed. I missed a uni exam, and several other vital and compulsory classes. I spent the next two days in bed, and then two days after that in my room (but I did manage to get out of bed). I had been not turning up to my part time job, and hadn't attended uni lectures for over two months. I was suffering, and felt like I was drowning, constantly battling to keep my nose above the waves crashing around me. I was lazy, lost all interest in anything I had ever enjoyed. I was gorging on food. All I wanted from my life was to live in my bed and eat chocolate. I wanted no part of the outside world.
>
> Then I got really sick of being in constant pity for myself, and I could see how miserable my life had become. I didn't want to be this pathetic shadow of myself. I went and saw a uni counsellor, who referred me to a doctor she works in conjunction with. I now see both of them once or twice a week (I'm very lucky in that my visits are free for me - the uni pays the costs), and was prescribed zoloft again about 3 weeks ago. Things are getting a bit easier, although things still are a constant struggle. It becomes such an effort sometimes to simply get dressed or have breakfast. I quit my job, and my uni work is suffering. I have exams next week, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm pushing myself and trying to be strong...I just need to remember what I am trying to achieve, and that is to regain control of my life, and live on my terms, to live the way I want.
>
> I wish you all the best in your lives.
> RachRach, do you have any family support or close friends who are helping you? Are you managing to get any sleep? Is the zoloft helping?
Let us know how you are...
Best wishes
Deb.
Posted by Rach on June 4, 2000, at 8:28:52
In reply to Re: I'm New (whoops..very long), posted by Deb R on June 4, 2000, at 5:55:25
Hi guys,
Thank you all so much for your messages. They made me feel so much more confident and encouraged, at a time when I really needed it. I'm at the stage where I know I am doing everything in my power to conquer my depression, but I'm getting a little discouraged at my seeming lack of progress. I know I am getting better, I know I am gaining control, yet I need to see results now (or have friendly people keep encourageing me!) to keep from being discouraged.
Okay, I'll answer your questions (I hope you don't mind me 'talking' to you all in one msg, if you would prefer me to write separate msgs let me know and I will!)
Deb, it is very nice to see a fellow Aussie. Enjoying the weather??? (I actually don't mind rain - I prefer to be cold than hot!) In answer to your q'ns, I am extremely lucky to have a very supportive family and friend network. I am living in a uni college away from home, but my parents ring me everyday to give me support, and I visit them or they visit me every weekend. I have a few close friends here at college who I have told about my depression, and they support me and look after me (and mother me!). They make sure I eat properly and get up in the morning, and stand by while I have mood swings, lending their tissues when I'm sobbing one minute, and then laughing with me when I'm running up and the down the hallway the next. My older brother also suffers from depression (although I only found that out for sure after I was put on meds, but I had suspected it for a long time), so my parents were already over the 'not my son/daughter' shell-shock.
My sleeping got better in the first week, and now it is all over the place. I never know when I'm going to be lying wide awake at 3am, or keeled over at 7pm. I have meds (temazepam) for an emergency (like night before the exam I am wide awake and frozen emergencies) but I hate using them too frequently for fear of becoming dependent on meds to get any sleep whatsoever. I'm just trying to reset my circadian rhythms (psych student! psych student!) by going to bed and then getting up at set times, regardless of how much sleep I get.
The zoloft is helping, I think (something is!). I'm still only on the min. dosage (50mg), but my motivation and ability to break out of bad habits has improved. I can now, with a lot of self talking and positive thinking, get through a downturn a lot quicker, and can pull myself out of a depressive mood if I catch it. Not to the point where I am deliriously happy, of course, but to the point of functioning - which is all I need to do right at this moment. Focus, focus focus on what needs to be done, and do it. Sometimes nothing will work, and I just lay on my bed thinking in circles, but less frequently. Something has improved, even if it is just knowing that I am seeking help.
Noa, you are right. If I do fail my exams, it is nothing that cannot be remedied. Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes you can forget that most things aren't a do or die situation, and it is very comforting that there is someone who will remind people of that. I am a perfectionist, however, and I love to do things my absolute best, the first time around...is that a weird statement, coming from someone who is depressed? Or is it quite common, with our depression caused by our own need to be perfect, and then our 'failing' to meet our own standards?
Thank you, Noa, also, for telling me about you learning to accept yourself as a person who has struggled with depression, not to reject yourself for it. I'm not sure if I have even begun to accept myself, although probably the first step in acceptance is admitting the problem and seeking help, so maybe I have started my acceptance of myself. I've already done the rejection, with being prescribed meds previously, so I perhaps am on the journey to acceptance. (A lot of maybes and perhaps in this paragraph!) Yes, acceptance, but maybe not liking. I accept that I am a person struggling with depression, but I do not like that I am depressed. Maybe, once I am through the worst of my struggles, I will come to be grateful for my depression because it will have made me a stronger person and it will have had an effect on the person who I become. It will always be a part of my personality, I will always retain the impression it made on my sense of self. To like who I am will be to be thankful for the past experiences I have had, including suffering through depression.
Tina, thank you for you thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I feel very positive and courageous, and other times and I feel like I am whimpering in a corner. I am on such a rollercoaster at the moment, and I am constantly circling on myself and my thoughts. By that I mean I keep doing complete turn arounds in my thinking, one second I am thinking how pathetic I am, the next I have complete faith in myself. It is an exhausting struggle trying to compartmentalise and comprehend so many contradicting thoughts. I am doing my best - I cannot ask for anything more from myself. And eventually, the Pollyanna outlook wins every time. I have many talents, many supportive, loving friends and family, and I have the will to make the best from any situation I find myself in.
Thank you for reading my very long post again! I just have a question, are most people posting here depression sufferers or depression treaters?
All the best,
Rach
Posted by Noa on June 4, 2000, at 14:01:40
In reply to Tina1, Noa, Deb R - Thank you, posted by Rach on June 4, 2000, at 8:28:52
Rach, you don't have to like the depression!
=* )
It has helped me to conceptualize the depression as separate from my self, even though when I am depressed, they feel one and the same.
Posted by Rach on June 4, 2000, at 18:36:08
In reply to Re: Tina1, Noa, Deb R - Thank you » Rach, posted by Noa on June 4, 2000, at 14:01:40
I truly don't like the depression at the moment!!! I was just pondering as to whether at some stage I will be able to accept that the depression has had some good consequences, for example making me a stronger person. I can question and think about this type of thing, but I certainly do not believe it yet.
I hope I too can reach a stage where I fully believe my depression is separate from my identity. I'll get there...baby steps. 1 baby step at a time.
~ Rach
> Rach, you don't have to like the depression!
>
> =* )
>
> It has helped me to conceptualize the depression as separate from my self, even though when I am depressed, they feel one and the same.
Posted by Deb R on June 6, 2000, at 1:26:30
In reply to liking depression » Noa, posted by Rach on June 4, 2000, at 18:36:08
Hi Rach
Just a quick note to see how you are today? Best of luck with your exams!
Best wishes
Deb.
Posted by Kath on June 6, 2000, at 17:15:28
In reply to Re: Rach - good luck with your exams..., posted by Deb R on June 6, 2000, at 1:26:30
Hi Rach - I'm thinking of you & hope you're doing okay. Take care, and good luck with everything.
Kath
> Hi Rach
>
> Just a quick note to see how you are today? Best of luck with your exams!
>
> Best wishes
> Deb.
Posted by Rach on June 7, 2000, at 7:20:54
In reply to Re: Rach - good luck with your exams..., posted by Deb R on June 6, 2000, at 1:26:30
Hi Deb,
I'm not doing too badly. I'm becoming more and more determined to recover. I have my first exam tomorrow, hopefully it will go okay - I've finally been able to motivate myself to do some work.
Thanks for the luck! I hope you are doing well.
~Rach
Posted by Rach on June 7, 2000, at 7:25:37
In reply to To Rach - Thinkin' of ya' , posted by Kath on June 6, 2000, at 17:15:28
Thank you Kath. I feel so much more courageous and determined with all the support I have been getting, from both real-time people, and those online. Coming to babble helps me in many ways - info about depression & meds, gaining support from others, giving back support & help to others, reading other people's stories, and being able to realise that I am not alone, and that there are people who understand.
Thanks again!
~Rach> Hi Rach - I'm thinking of you & hope you're doing okay. Take care, and good luck with everything.
>
> Kath
>
Posted by Kath on June 7, 2000, at 13:57:23
In reply to Re: To Rach - Thinkin' of ya' » Kath, posted by Rach on June 7, 2000, at 7:25:37
Hi Rach - Keep in touch & let us all know how things are going for you. Kath
> Thank you Kath. I feel so much more courageous and determined with all the support I have been getting, from both real-time people, and those online. Coming to babble helps me in many ways - info about depression & meds, gaining support from others, giving back support & help to others, reading other people's stories, and being able to realise that I am not alone, and that there are people who understand.
>
> Thanks again!
> ~Rach
>
> > Hi Rach - I'm thinking of you & hope you're doing okay. Take care, and good luck with everything.
> >
> > Kath
> >
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