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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 3, 1999, at 12:12:48
Hi everyone, and thanks for your support.
I made it through the night. It was hard, and I did call my ex-boyfriend to take me to the hospital, but when he got here, I was too sick to get into a car. I'd thrown up a few times, just from crying all day long, and the hospital was too far away to get me there without breaking my head. But on the plus side, I was too worn out to cry anymore, and he slept in my bed and I slept on the sofa.
This morning, I'm a little calmer. Maybe just too tired to get that upset again.
Finding out that the clinic had put my request for a transfer on hold, and wouldn't tell me why, was just overwhelming. I already feel as though they're stealing my time, since I know that I'm not resistant to medication from prior experiences. It shouldn't take a year, and they don't seem to care. And then the fact that I was pretty honest about feeling suicidal, and having no one take that seriously, kinda made me feel as though they were saying, tacitly, that I didn't matter, really. It's frustrating, and makes me feel so impotent, to have a group of strangers making a decision so vital to my life wihtout any input from me. They have told me that there's nothing I can do, and I had my new therapist call too. (Yes, I'm not just relying on you folks. In a county where the official channels can't find you anyone to see for less than $35 a session, I opened the telephone book and started calling around until I found one who will see me for $20. I'm glad I had that energy that day.) The therapist called, and they wouldn't tell her what the hold up was, just that when a decision was made, they'd call me, and that I could go into the hospital if I got worse. Since the hospital has told me that they really and truly will not adjust medication for an inpatient, I don't really want to be there, but for the next couple of days, my ex-boyfriend is on standby to take me if I need to go.
This is long and rambling, so thanks for putting up with it. While it's good to have the therapist and I'm sometimes hopeful of finding a doctor who actually earned that degree, it's also better than great to have all of you. It's really hard for me to talk in person, face to face, and often even on the telephone. In writing, I can express myself much better, so you get to hear things that the people seeing my face often just can't hear. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for putting up with me and my problems, and thanks to Dr Bob for having this forum available.
Posted by Cynthia on July 3, 1999, at 16:16:29
In reply to I made it through the night, posted by Racer on July 3, 1999, at 12:12:48
> Hi everyone, and thanks for your support.
>
> I made it through the night. It was hard, and I did call my ex-boyfriend to take me to the hospital, but when he got here, I was too sick to get into a car. I'd thrown up a few times, just from crying all day long, and the hospital was too far away to get me there without breaking my head. But on the plus side, I was too worn out to cry anymore, and he slept in my bed and I slept on the sofa.
>
> This morning, I'm a little calmer. Maybe just too tired to get that upset again.
>
> Finding out that the clinic had put my request for a transfer on hold, and wouldn't tell me why, was just overwhelming. I already feel as though they're stealing my time, since I know that I'm not resistant to medication from prior experiences. It shouldn't take a year, and they don't seem to care. And then the fact that I was pretty honest about feeling suicidal, and having no one take that seriously, kinda made me feel as though they were saying, tacitly, that I didn't matter, really. It's frustrating, and makes me feel so impotent, to have a group of strangers making a decision so vital to my life wihtout any input from me. They have told me that there's nothing I can do, and I had my new therapist call too. (Yes, I'm not just relying on you folks. In a county where the official channels can't find you anyone to see for less than $35 a session, I opened the telephone book and started calling around until I found one who will see me for $20. I'm glad I had that energy that day.) The therapist called, and they wouldn't tell her what the hold up was, just that when a decision was made, they'd call me, and that I could go into the hospital if I got worse. Since the hospital has told me that they really and truly will not adjust medication for an inpatient, I don't really want to be there, but for the next couple of days, my ex-boyfriend is on standby to take me if I need to go.
>
> This is long and rambling, so thanks for putting up with it. While it's good to have the therapist and I'm sometimes hopeful of finding a doctor who actually earned that degree, it's also better than great to have all of you. It's really hard for me to talk in person, face to face, and often even on the telephone. In writing, I can express myself much better, so you get to hear things that the people seeing my face often just can't hear. Thank you for being here.
>
> Thank you for putting up with me and my problems, and thanks to Dr Bob for having this forum available.I'm glad you made it through the night. You express yourself so well in writing Racer, I keep thinking you should be showing these medical health people your letters instead of trying to talk with them. I won't get tired of you.
Cynthia
Posted by Racer on July 3, 1999, at 17:20:56
In reply to Re: I made it through the night, posted by Cynthia on July 3, 1999, at 16:16:29
I won't get tired of you.
>
> CynthiaThank you, Cynthia. This board is like a lifeline to me right now, and hearing that others here don't mind my hanging on to it for life itself makes it easier for me. Otherwise, I'd feel as though I was taking advantage of all of you by going on and on about my difficulties. OK, so I do feel guilty about that, but I'm still glad that I have this outlet.
So thank you.
Posted by Ruth on July 3, 1999, at 21:38:05
In reply to Thank you, Cynthia, posted by Racer on July 3, 1999, at 17:20:56
We're all here for you. Try to trust that we want to be and that we are not going to get tired of you or abandon you during this crisis.
> I won't get tired of you.
> >
> > Cynthia
>
> Thank you, Cynthia. This board is like a lifeline to me right now, and hearing that others here don't mind my hanging on to it for life itself makes it easier for me. Otherwise, I'd feel as though I was taking advantage of all of you by going on and on about my difficulties. OK, so I do feel guilty about that, but I'm still glad that I have this outlet.
>
> So thank you.
Posted by Gretchen on July 4, 1999, at 8:25:15
In reply to our support, posted by Ruth on July 3, 1999, at 21:38:05
Racer,
I have been thinking of you so hard and so often.
I am glad your boyfriend is with you. I know it sounds weird, but hospital personnel are more careful when there is someone else with you -- hey, now there is a witness to their sometimes brutal actions and words. (Sorry I have a "problem" with doctors.)
The third party can also explain when you can't; provide greater "objectivity" that _you are very, very sick_ and this is not just suicidal ideataion, and most importantly keep YOU sitting in that darn waiting room until you are admitted.
Please:
1.) Print out these threads: all the posts about suicide, about not being able to hold on. Print out relevant responses; print out Dr. Bob's post. (Have your boyfriend do it if you can't. If you don't have a printer have him read them so he understands just how bad things are.)When you get to the ER and can't explain yourself -- start reading them. If the docs won't listen, insist that they are attached to your chart for documentational purposes. If you don't have them printed start writing as much as you can, sign it, and request that info be attached.
2.) Pack some of your comfy clothes and your toothbrush. Find a pad of paper and some pencils so you can still write. (No wire-bound notebooks remember. :-)
3.) Go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room until they admit you. It will take a while. The 4th of July is one of the busiest hospital days of the year. July is also the month all Med students move up a bracket, so there will be more chaos and frazzeled nerves than even normal.
These are not excuses not to go. They are warnings that it might take some time before you are seen and it is not because the staff does not care if you live or die. Bring a blanket, sit there all night if you have to.
I know it is hard, but please start getting ready to go Racer. Please take care of yourself.
All the best, (Apologies to all on length.)
Gretchen
Posted by Deb on July 4, 1999, at 11:00:19
In reply to Re: our support, posted by Gretchen on July 4, 1999, at 8:25:15
> Racer,
>
> I have been thinking of you so hard and so often.
>
> I am glad your boyfriend is with you. I know it sounds weird, but hospital personnel are more careful when there is someone else with you -- hey, now there is a witness to their sometimes brutal actions and words. (Sorry I have a "problem" with doctors.)
>
> The third party can also explain when you can't; provide greater "objectivity" that _you are very, very sick_ and this is not just suicidal ideataion, and most importantly keep YOU sitting in that darn waiting room until you are admitted.
>
> Please:
> 1.) Print out these threads: all the posts about suicide, about not being able to hold on. Print out relevant responses; print out Dr. Bob's post. (Have your boyfriend do it if you can't. If you don't have a printer have him read them so he understands just how bad things are.)
>
> When you get to the ER and can't explain yourself -- start reading them. If the docs won't listen, insist that they are attached to your chart for documentational purposes. If you don't have them printed start writing as much as you can, sign it, and request that info be attached.
>
> 2.) Pack some of your comfy clothes and your toothbrush. Find a pad of paper and some pencils so you can still write. (No wire-bound notebooks remember. :-)
>
> 3.) Go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room until they admit you. It will take a while. The 4th of July is one of the busiest hospital days of the year. July is also the month all Med students move up a bracket, so there will be more chaos and frazzeled nerves than even normal.
>
> These are not excuses not to go. They are warnings that it might take some time before you are seen and it is not because the staff does not care if you live or die. Bring a blanket, sit there all night if you have to.
>
> I know it is hard, but please start getting ready to go Racer. Please take care of yourself.
>
> All the best, (Apologies to all on length.)
> Gretchen
Racer,
I'm with Gretchen. Do whatever has to be done to get yourself checked in. Taking a third party along as witness is an excellent idea. I worked in a hospital for 13 years, and believe me; they don't want legal hassles. In fact, you should ask to speak to the hospital administrator personally. He's the guy that gets hit with all the lawsuits, so it's in his best interest to see that you are cared for properly. In hospitals, like everywhere else, it's the squeeky wheel that gets the grease. If you've already contacted a lawyer, drop his name when you go to get checked in. But just get checked in. I can tell from all the posts that many people are pulling for you(myself included), so please just do it. We all want you to just feel better.
Love, Deb
Posted by Racer on July 4, 1999, at 12:10:07
In reply to Re: our support, posted by Deb on July 4, 1999, at 11:00:19
Thank you for your support and your advice. The advice about printing out these threads is very good, since I've been writing things here when I'm at lowest ebb, and when I try to write down what's been going on so that I can take it to the doctor, I find myself making light of what I've been feeling. Trying to make it sound as though I'm not as bad as I am. That's pretty typical of me, to try not to show how bad off I am. Of course, it doesn't help that I distrust this doctor so profoundly.
As for my state today, I'm a lot calmer, and feel a little more capable of holding on. Certainly not "well" by any manner of means, but much better than I was. I have a plan for getting through the next few days, and I think I can do it.
Yesterday I finally called my mother and told her what was going on. I've been hiding it from her because I knew it would upset her so much. I told her to talk to a lawyer about suing the doctor for malpractice, and that I might have her check me into a hospital where maybe they would do something constructive for me. I doubt that she will do any of that, because I've always been the one to take care of anything like that for her. Hell, I took care of her house from the time I was about 11 and finally old enough to light the stove. Mother is just a little eccentric, and can't seem to take care of anything beyond the ordinary.
Anyway, Mother called this morning and is getting on a bus to come up and clean my house. Is that typical? "Clean the child's house, and she'll get over it all..." Still, she's only been here twice before, so I guess it means that she's worried. I don't like her to worry, but at least it will be nice to have some company here to help clean. And it has motivated me to start cleaning, since I can't bear to hear what she would have to say about the state of my housekeeping...
My plan for the week is to find the local Mental Health Patient Advocates. There must be a group like that up here somewhere. A friend of mine works with Patient Advocates in the next county south of here, so I've asked her to find them for me.
Once I've found an Advocate, I'm going to explain what's gone on, and express my inability to keep fighting consistently because of my depression. I'm going to be clear that I need help, can't do it myself, and throw myself on their mercy. I will ask them to step in and help me find out what I have to do to lodge a complaint, and to get more timely assistance from the county system. I will print out these threads, since that's a great idea, and take them along.
Having a plan, something that focusses me on doing something tomorrow, and the next day, seems to help. I feel better knowing that there is something I can do. It's when I'm feeling so damn trapped by all of this that I fall apart so badly. On Friday, when the clinic went through that "there's not a single thing you can do to influence the decision or even when the decision is made", that really devastated me. I felt so helpless. After all, I don't trust that doctor, why on earth should I feel as though she's going to make a decision in my best interest?
Thanks again for reading my pleas for help, and for answering. I'm really sorry that I'm taking up so much of the board right now, but I really do appreciate all of what you've all said. Guys, you're really helping keep me alive this weekend. I want you all to know that.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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