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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 15, 1999, at 23:08:08
I don't know what triggered this, but suddenly I realized that I had nothing I wanted to live for. Nothing. It's not anything like the usual, not despondant, but suddenly too tired to deal with the problems and wanting just to get it over with.
I'm still on Effexor XR, 112.5 per day, and it's still got me kinda sunny, but inside I just don't want to go on.
Anyone else experience this? Am I really suicidal? I am considering it, since the financial problems are just overwhelming. I can't even afford to eat properly. (Part of this is due, I'm sure, to the loss of weight I've experienced. I'm about 15 - 20 pounds underweight now, and losing. Anorexia is starting to come back, too, and it makes me too tired to fight anymore.)
So, any advice? Anything?
Thanks.
Posted by Chris A. on May 16, 1999, at 5:48:32
In reply to Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Racer on May 15, 1999, at 23:07:57
1) Hang in there. You are not alone. A month ago I would have told you that living on this earth was out of the question. It doesn't look or feel that bleak now.
2) What's your favorite food - I'll send you some. Basic nutrition is essential to health. I lost down to 100 lbs. last year and feel much better having gained some of it back.
3) Is it time to contact your pDoc for a med adjustment? At least let them know how you are feeling. Make sure you have a "flesh and blood" emergency contact list. I often get some relief just having someone to talk to that cares.
4) Is there a "meaningful break" that you can take from your everyday concerns? These breathers are essential and are unique for everyone. Nature, music and nuturing my relationship with my Creator all are helpful to me.Someone referred to us as "snowflakes" in terms of our individual responses to meds. We are sonwflakes through and through - there is no one alive, never has been or ever will be exactly like you. You are here for a reason (probably a multitude of them.
Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by Phil on May 16, 1999, at 7:37:36
In reply to Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Racer on May 15, 1999, at 23:08:08
> I don't know what triggered this, but suddenly I realized that I had nothing I wanted to live for. Nothing. It's not anything like the usual, not despondant, but suddenly too tired to deal with the problems and wanting just to get it over with.
>
> I'm still on Effexor XR, 112.5 per day, and it's still got me kinda sunny, but inside I just don't want to go on.
>
> Anyone else experience this? Am I really suicidal? I am considering it, since the financial problems are just overwhelming. >
> So, any advice? Anything?
>
> Thanks.>>>Hi Racer,
Just my experience to share. Although my current meds-Serzone, Ritalin, and occasional Klonopin seem to keep me going, there are still times that the 'hole in my soul' reappears.
I was raised by two world-class alcoholics and
basically ignored. The coping skills I learned when I was ten don't work so well at 45.
I told a good friend recently that ,although
things are getting better for me, There are occasional days That I just want to say f--- it.
I am still learning that I can't allow myself
to get too Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired. The old One DAy at a Time works for my brain when nothing else will.
I get pissed when people tell me my problem is NOT about Money but I do believe they are right.
If it wasn't money, it would be something else.
Life is about perception-not reality.
Now, to close this rambing. My mother was sober the last 19 years of her life. She died 4 years ago of cancer, at 73. She was my best friend. After her numerous suicide threats, etc,
to me as a 12-18 year old, one of my great joys now is that my Mom fought it till the end, bravely and unselfishly. In her own way, she
gave me the only gift she had left to give. It
will help carry me to my natural end. Racer, damn the torpedoes-full speed ahead!A friend,
Phil Jordan
Posted by Judy on May 16, 1999, at 20:55:28
In reply to Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Racer on May 15, 1999, at 23:07:57
Racer,
I just read your post and I had to respond. I am where you are right now, but I know I will be feeling better soon because I have begun taking Nardil (an MAOI) for the 4th time in 12 years, mind you! Each time I take it, the side effects eventually drive me away, but it works SO WELL for my depression. On 45 mg per day, my brain is clearer, crisper and happier than it has ever been. Even colors seem more vivid - swear to God!
I am the one who likened us all to snowflakes, so I understand that Nardil may not work for you as it does for me; but IF IT DOES, you will feel great within weeks (you can actually feel the Nardil kick in when it starts to work), and you WILL gain weight (one of the side effects that drives me away - but a plus for you right now). Even a raw potato will taste good to you, and you will gain weight and feel healthy. You will wake up in the morning feeling more alive than you ever have.
On the down side, you will have to wash out the Effexor for 14 long days. I have used Xanax to get through the weaning period from other meds and also when I start taking Nardil because it can make you feel a bit jiggy for several days as well as when you try to get to sleep at night in the beginning. You can't eat food that contains tyramines, but it's not a big deal if you can live without any cheese except American, processed meats like pepperoni and sausage, over-ripe bananas, soy products, and several other things I never missed (pizza was the big hardship!). You will have to learn which over-the-counter meds you can't combine with Nardil; and you can't use epinephrine, so if you need an inhaler for asthma or if you carry an Epi-Pen for bee sting allergy, Nardil's out. You may have trouble with urinary retention (another of my dreaded side-effects - I sometimes have to sit on the toilet for five minutes or more before producing anything!). You might feel dizzy if you stand up too quickly. And finally, you will most likely have trouble achieving an orgasm; but it can be done even if the 'earth doesn't move' when it does happen.
These are the concessions I make when I take Nardil, but I put up with them when I need to get my head on straight and when I'm feeling the way you are now. No other meds have worked for me and I think I've tried them all. I have a daughter who has another year to go in high school and an elderly mother who recently had cardiac bipass surgery. They need me and they are the reasons that I take Nardil and put up with the side effects for as long as I can instead of throwing in the towel and staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head *or worse* (and I have considered *worse* many times when not on Nardil, trust me.)
I don't know if you're taking anything besides Effexor that may preclude your taking Nardil, but if you can give it a try, I can't recommend it any more highly. You don't have to stay on it for the rest of your life if you choose not to, and weaning off Nardil has not been a problem for me - some minor 'jolts' that are more curious than scary and certainly not in any way painful. No shakes, jitters or headaches. And if you've been on it for awhile, even after weaning off, you don't hit the skids immediately like you do with many other meds.
I can't guarantee that Nardil will work for you. I know there is no guarantee with psychopharms. What I've told you is solely my own experience. I would stay on Nardil for the rest of my days if I could just put up with the added weight, the inability to pee at will and the lack of feeling the "earth move" once in a while. I am constantly searching for a new drug that will work as well with fewer side effects.
Good luck, Racer! Keep searching for what works for you - don't give up!
Judy
Posted by v on May 17, 1999, at 7:14:24
In reply to Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Racer on May 15, 1999, at 23:07:57
racer... i don't know that i have anything new to add but i wanted you to know that i really understand what you've expressed
i feel that way alot... it comes seemingly out of nowhere... like you, i just feel too tired of constantly fighting and like you, i am eating disordered... in my case though, right now it's the extra 20lbs i'm carrying that i constantly obsess over yet can't seem to lose despite oh whatever... too boring to even discourse over
i don't know whether you're suicidal or not... in my case, what i think is that it's not so much that i want to die anymore as much as that i'm just tired of not being able to live... dailiness itself takes so much out of me... and i get to feeling so sorry for myself over the life that could have been blah, blah... also i'm an incest survivor with all the crap that goes along with that...
i'd better stop this rambling before i further depress myself and you even more...
will it get better for you? well, yes... it does, doesn't it? my advice is nothing new... to check your meds out with your pdoc, wonder if you've got support in your life for the anorexia and if not, suggest you get some... i don't know where you live, but there are usually at least 12step groups for eating disorders which don't cost anything
and lastly to say that writing to us here is a wonderful thing... it's always good to reach out to people who understand and care... be gentle with yourself
blessings,
v> I don't know what triggered this, but suddenly I realized that I had nothing I wanted to live for. Nothing. It's not anything like the usual, not despondant, but suddenly too tired to deal with the problems and wanting just to get it over with.
>
> I'm still on Effexor XR, 112.5 per day, and it's still got me kinda sunny, but inside I just don't want to go on.
>
> Anyone else experience this? Am I really suicidal? I am considering it, since the financial problems are just overwhelming. I can't even afford to eat properly. (Part of this is due, I'm sure, to the loss of weight I've experienced. I'm about 15 - 20 pounds underweight now, and losing. Anorexia is starting to come back, too, and it makes me too tired to fight anymore.)
>
> So, any advice? Anything?
>
> Thanks.
Posted by Messy on May 17, 1999, at 12:27:36
In reply to Re: Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Phil on May 16, 1999, at 7:37:36
2 ideas
1. massage
A lot of M.D.s will tell you this does not work,
but I found it helped me. If medication by
itself does not entirely treat your depression,
try also getting massaged, maybe once a week.
If that's too expensive, try every other week,
or find a massage school and get a student to
practice on you. I have not tried the massage
school idea myself. Human touch seems to help
one feel better. I found I was more comfortable
being massaged by someone of the same gender
as I am. If you live in the U.S. then the
laws governing licensing of masseurs vary from
state to state. Make sure your masseur is legal.Snuggling an affectionate sort of dog
will sometimes have a similar effect if people
make you too nervous. The puppy shop in your
local mall will let you play with their puppies
for free, within reasonable limits. Animal
shelters also work, but the danger of wanting
to adopt the dog is greater, especially if your
living situation says you can't.I don't need massage as much anymore because my
beloved hugs me a lot.2. what else changed?
Also, if your feelings suddenly change, look at
what else changed in your life. Some people are
sensitive to subtle things like what they eat
or what kind of light bulb lights the room they
are in or how their environment smells or how much
background noise they have to filter our. Has
your caffeine or sugar gone up, for example?
Does the fact that days are light for longer
affect you at all. Many people get less
depressed with more light, but I don't see why
there might not be an opposite effect for some
people. Are you getting a lot more or less
exercise than you are used to? Again, most
people are more nervous with less exercise, but
don't hurt yourself by doing too much too
suddenly.No, I am not medically trained, so follow my
advice only using common sense, caution, and
medical advice as appropriate.
Posted by ruth on May 17, 1999, at 14:56:51
In reply to Re: Suddenly suicidal, scared, and still medicated..., posted by Messy on May 17, 1999, at 12:27:36
>Racer,
I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad. Like a
couple of the others, I don't really have any
"advice". Just really wanted to know your post
touched me--lots of your past posts have made me
laugh. I know you feel like shit right now, but
I can tell your a scrappy, fiery kind of chick, and
that will be what brings you back. Most of us
with a sense of humor (which you definately have)
use it as a way to deal with our saddness--but we
also have a sense of humor because we love life
and we see the absurdity of things sometimes.
So far what I've found to be true in the previous
posts are--the simple things--this too will pass,
and you'll feel good again--the only way to handle
these storms is one day at a time. Let yourself
be tired, let yourself feel those dark feelings--
they will pass. I'm sure you've got alot of people
in your life who care a great deal about you--
obviously alot of people on this site do.
Anyway--no advice--but know that i'm thinking about
you and sending warm healing vibes your way.
Hang in there an try and be as good to yourself
as you can.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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