![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 107 to 131 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:35:43
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 2014, at 8:24:06
Thanks. Back to it not making sense, again. Enthalpy... Hess' Law... Kinetics... Rates of reaction... Something about... Coefficients and exponents...
I think I need to split my time a bit between trying to understand the concepts and working through calculations. Even if I don't understand the concepts.
I just need... Practice, I guess. Time with them. Work...
___
I really don't get why they won't make their lecture notes accessible to students before the lectures. Why they won't actively encourage students to prepare for class by working through them at least a little.
Best story I've got out of them is that they think students won't come to class if the notes are available before the lecture. They seem to think that that means the students will do worse.
I've said... I won't come to the lecture if I can't get the powerpoints before class. For the hard stuff that we are doing now at any rate. Not being able to keep up during the class is... Demoralizing. It isn't motivating or inspiring it is just... Demoralizing. People are just getting up and walking out... Eyes are dull... I don't understand why they don't go 'oh, hey! y'all aren't stupid (necessarily) just not prepared. HERES STUFF TO DO TO PREPARE!! IF YOU DON"T DO YOUR PREPARATION THEN IT IS ON YOUR HEAD!!'. I just... Don't get it.
They have lectures up... Lecture recordings. They seem to think that students won't come because of that. That, again, students will do worse if they don't come to class.
They cant' seem to separate out the 'aren't in class because off doing other things' from 'aren't in class because my own study techniques are more f*ck*ng effective than the way you choose to teach' people. Students have been telling them... Over and f*ck*ng over... Gimme your powerpoint notes before class. Gimme gimme and no... I guesstimate you are a lazy little sh*t and so no.
This really can't be it?? Can it??
Then what is up with overflow rooms? Apparently it is common in science. Other universities as well...
Why not pay a TA $5,000 to lecture the overflow? It isn't that much in the grand scheme of things. If you can take their enrollment money... If you can invest billions into building brand new buildings (mausoleums) to f*ck*ng house them the least you can do is provide one lecturer for each and every f*ck*ng big *ss lecture hall.
How do you decide who gets 'proper lecturers' rather than TA's? Here's a novel idea... Lecturers get to work you harder. Since they are less garbeled they can expect more out of you. They are also capable of writing you meaningful references so... 'general edders' flock to the TA's... people looking for a cruisy ride... TA's get to practice / learn on them. Fair's fair. you waste my time... i get to learn on you... you can't be bothered doing your pre-reading i can't be bothered giving you properly prepared lectures (actually just don't have them yet since i'm all new at this).
why is this so hard?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:49:52
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:35:43
it is just...
i guess i'm starting to see why people are... horrified? at the thought of 'starting over' (at my age) with science.
it seems to be... it does it's thing at the pace that it does. and it doesn't give a sh*t about whether it is in your best learning interests for it to move a bit faster or slower or whatever. it is impervious. it just does what it does. and if you don't just keep your yap shut and follow along as best you can then you are stupid. basically. it is your fault and there is something wrong with you.
i see that there is a bit of fear, actually, when it comes to the kids who get things right right right right right. because... after a while doing the same f*ck*ng thing without an increase in difficulty and... anyone who isn't an idiot gets to the point of feeling like caving in their head with a baseball bat would be preferable to doing yet a f*ck*ng nother one of those equations. or whatever. so... what to do...
the arts.
that's why people go there. sometimes people go there first because they aren't prepared to work. there's a bunch of them, for sure. but often people go there because... well... for the humanity. ffs.
going the other way round... tis just wrong.
meh. i'm just grumpy because... i don't suppose i'll be going to lectures next year. i suppose i'll be staying home checking the online forum incessantly for when the lecturers get round to putting their powerpoints up... at which point i can actually begin my study.
i feel... sad.
but still... open entry... giving people the *opportunity*. that's... what university is all about. yes?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:53:48
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 2014, at 8:24:06
i f*ck*ng hate being a first year! and i have a whole other year of it next year wah!!!!
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 1:49:51
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:53:48
well... i had an amble around the book store and the prize for the clearest course books goes to... engineering. lmfao.
i had a... very informal lunch with some people today... very nice... to chat about politics and university politics and... stuff... there is a bunch of university politics going on behind the lecture notes thing. everyones fearing for loss of jobs... trying to justify the existence of in person lecturing etc etc etc... i think... given the climate... the thing might be to approach the lecturers more discretely and ask for them to help me out, yeah. to... trust in their... love of their field... which is probably lurking in there somewhere even if university politics gets in the way sometimes... as to the significant majority of first years who are only there as the line of least resistance, or in order to get industry job, or they are (probably through no fault of their own) just dumb as dirt, really.
i'm going to try and get to at least one of the lecturers i'm meant to take next year... see how it is for myself. i've been... going off stuff i've heard students say because i had nothing else to go off... but i should know better... they're probably magnifying their story as they see me react to what they are saying... it could be that they never even made it past the first week and the attendance is more sparse now... who knows...
anyway... only 2 more lectures to get through and then it is back to what will hopefully be some lighter going stuff. less equations / novel symbols and a bit more story. hopefully. learning about species of particles and the evolution of heat lmfao. about how reactions are driven (all aristotelian like) by their desire to reach a state of lower energy. aaaaaaaaah, chemistry. not theoretically driven - just theory rationalized, apparently. i've never heard of a theoretical chemist...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 2:06:55
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 1:49:51
i was obsessed with the idea of a 'system' before. thinking that sorting that out... was really important. lots of work in phil of science has focused on that... systemic capacity view of function / dysfunction where such things are relative to some idealized norms for systems... instead of an historical (evolutionary) view... anyway... systems seem a lot less mysterious to me now... but this idea of 'work'. that seems important. 'organization'. electricity... that is f*ck*ng amazing. that you can make a battery from ionic solutions. f*ck*ng wow. that you can do that... makes no sense to me at all. and how you would even begin to build something like a computer... or... circuits. what the hell are they? what are they doing? how does that work? so much to learn...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2014, at 17:25:03
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 2:06:55
got my *ss to 8am chemistry lecture for next year...
it was okay. got there about 15 minutes early and while there were loads of people there, there were lots of free seats. i think the situation is more about bus times than about people arriving early especially for a seat. it was cold. may as well sit in the theater rather than wait outside. even once the lecture started... free seats.
filled up more for the next class... still free seats, though. i think the issue with the overflow room is that people would prefer to sit with their friends rather than add to the end of a row of a group(?) of people they don't know.
managed to sit behind the most annoying people in the whole room... more of a mild annoyance than a true distraction. i can probably get front row reliably... then i don't have to see people fidget... once things have settled down, anyway... maybe before...
i actually heard other people make ssssh noises... can't remember the last time i heard that...
organic chemistry reactions are all pink and purple, the way they are supposed to be... heh. someone else giving the lecture but, still, more of what i've done. rather a lot more haha.
and some bio-chem. 6 steps in chlorine regulation in cells. i see... if you can talk through / draw through the schematic (with some ability to form inference) you are set... handy to have the ppt slide ideal... but good study technique to draw in the schemeatic, yeah. over and f*ck*ng over haha.
people were... calmer. i was a bit of an oddity in sitting by myself - but only a few chatty groups who seemed a little unnerved and (the crucial bit) they seemed to be the tolerated exceptions rather than the rule. and i could see their coursebooks and, uh, they aren't going to be there the following year most probably.
so...
it was okay.
the pace is a bit all over the show. lots of repetition, yeah, but then lots of new content, too. varied... keeps things interesting, i guess.
the room accoustics really are wonderful... and comfortable seats. i mean... really, very. just as well since it is 3 hours in a row 4 days per week... wish i could remember what time they started in the evening to suss those out, too...
but yeah, i have to go to the lecture. it really is... like theatre. listening to the online is nothing like the same thing. i think there is something about the... environment... arousing... all the people. alerting. that's what makes the lecture traumatic. uh, i mean, memorable. easy to recall later. in the same setting, of course...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:10:02
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2014, at 17:25:03
over physical chemistry. even if there was this brief window where i thought it was kinda sorta somewhat interesting...
the disconnect between the conceptual and the... the solving of the problems. put a minus there because otherwise you get a minus in your answer and rates can't be negative. uh huh.
i feel like... they blindfold me by not giving me access to the powerpoints prior to class. then they get to say 'see, you can't do it, we told you so!' the kinetics stuff we are doing now... isn't in our textbook... but there is stuff online. that's what i need... worked through examples... the ones we have are full of typo's... last thing i need right now is to be worrying about whether something doesn't make sense because i'm not following along vs it actually just doesn't make sense.
not that making sense means a damn... our next lab is... recording the temperature of water cooling. no joke. over a period of about half an hour. a tedious something that could be done in the quiet... that is of course only going to get f*ck*d up in a room full of chatterers chattering about their numbers...
only three more weeks of classes... equilibrium... acids... bases... i hate solutions... equations... lets write things up this notationally different way that means the same thing (that you must have done years of maths to know - just for the sake of being complicated and making things harder!) i've had enough.
test not this monday but next... i'll try and print off some of past years... see about the time pressure... i suspect it will go better than i thought... like how i over-prepared for organic before and the actual test was straightforward. i think this will be like that with pattern recognition for most of the questions...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:16:36
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:10:02
i suspect i won't do math for summer school after all. not much point, really. i'm not going to continue with math which makes me fairly uninteresting to teach and the spirit of things seems to be to put us in teams and let us teach each other, anyway. and i don't do so well with the whole social learning thing. and they won't give me access to the stuff i need to learn the way i know i learn best because... they think they know how i learn better than i do - go figure. well... i guess the idea is that must be true. otherwise i wouldn't be doing remedial. whatever it was i've been doing before... it must not have been working. mmm hmm. i see. let me waste a semester trying to learn things your way. please. can i...
?
not sure what it is with lecturers that they think they are better teachers than textbooks... that have panels of authors and editors... that they feel the need to make things harder than they really are. more complicated than they need to be. to junk up space and time with busywork... i don't know what it is.
do i think the health system is going to be any better?
no.
focus... go print off these tests... work through the problems... become just what they want me to be -- a student who can solve problems but who has no conceptual understanding. the way they... train me to be...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2014, at 1:50:51
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:16:36
I suppose it is mostly fear. That I won't do well. Or that... I do mediocre. Which is... Which would actually be worse, somehow.
Test coming up real soon...
Then about a month before the exam. I suspect it will come together in time for the latter... I'm not sure about the former. Just do the best I can, I guess.
I... I have worked through the concepts about as best I can. Time for the calculations / equations. Pattern recognition. Setting the solutions up like the model answers. Learning how to enter things into my calculator and interpreting the display. I... I'm not 'cheating' or whatever by focusing on the tests / exams... I... Have done the hard yards of working through the text (when available) and the powerpoints and listening to the lectures several times over...
On the one hand... I think I may have been being unfair about the whole powerpoint thing... On the other hand... No, I don't think so, actually. I did an evaluation for the last lecturer and I was fairly nice because... Well... I'm not entirely sure. Relief that I didn't have her anymore? Not sure what it is... In some sense she does seem to try... But in another sense she doesn't. Giving us practice exercises full of typos... It isn't her first year teaching ffs... She didn't fix them up from last year because...
?
Anyway... That's that and that's over now... Back to a lecturer whose style of teaching suits me a whole heap better. Lots of... Concepts. Inferences. Visual presentation. I even follow his explanation of the math better... It probably helps that it is different... Another way of explaining. Which is what we don't get when she doesn't give us a textbook or anything other than her slides full of typos or half filled out lecture notes. Anyway... That's over now.
Working through the tests... I should get marks for drawing out the equation I'm supposed to use... Whether or not I get all the substitutions... And / or the final calculation.
I think... This is as hard as the math will get for me. ? I think so... I'll have to ask the physics people...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 22, 2014, at 16:13:27
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2014, at 1:50:51
i have a crush. which is... silly, really. if my emotions were less intense i could probably just enjoy it. it is a feeling of... being alive. and it isn't painful, exactly. only it almost is painful to me. it makes me feel... inadequate. very much. i can't... be light and playful. it isn't in my vocabulary. even if he was interested (which he probably isn't), available (again, probably not) and so on and so forth... he would never know it from the way i behave... or... he'd just be scared off from this freak... or... he'd tire of it fairly rapidly over time. best to... stay away. hang back. this too shall pass :(
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 23, 2014, at 2:16:34
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 22, 2014, at 16:13:27
> best to... stay away. hang back. this too shall pass :(
Or, test your hypotheses? :-)
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:33:27
In reply to Re: fear, posted by Dr. Bob on May 23, 2014, at 2:16:34
with my past experience... i think i've discovered a constant.
haha.
just kidding. maybe. needs some time, anyway... so that's okay. i didn't run away. i won't. i think... we do have some kind of dynamic, actually. some kind of understanding. misunderstandings, too, but some kind of understanding as well. i guess i wouldn't feel anything if there wasn't anything there. whatever comes of it. just try not to get too attached. to feel too... devastated.
i failed another lab. 2/15. but only worth 2.5% of the overall grade... test on monday. i really don't have a sense of things... i suspect... things will go really rather badly... for around 1/2 of it. i simply can't get the calculator to co-operate for a good quarter of it... and the time pressure...
i should be studying but i can't face it, rather. two days later and i'm still decompressing from last lab... all... 15 minutes of it before i managed to bail the hell out... only one more to go. i won't. i need to find my focus for the exam. test only worth 15%... last test was only worth 15%... i hope... i get through this okay.
i'm scared... that i'm more disabled than i admit. that i... really can't handle more than a part time workload. that i'll never be able to. still reeling from lab... it's awful. chemistry is just equations now. not much concepts. just equations. calculations. tables and constants. and a crap calculator whose screen i can barely read and it's too late now to be learning to use a calculator... and we aren't allowed... natural display? anyway. this country won't let us. to keep things cheaper, i suppose... and none of it makes any sense.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:38:39
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:33:27
well, actually, they do reccommend a graphics display calculator for the maths course - but the chemistry people won't let us have CAS ? algebra display ? something like that... because people put whole equations into them apparently... and we are supposed to remember them... and put them on the paper. then sub in the numbers / units. then enter things into our calculator and get the actual proper answer out the other end. and i can't do that last bit. even if the other bits work alright. even if i can get the units out. i can't get the actual number.
and there are brackets and exponents and negative powers and... i don't know what i'm doing wrong except that there is f*ck all relation between how it looks on the page and what i'm supposed to type in and... i'm having enough trouble with learning the equations and putting the numbers into the right places in them... that latter bit... what does it matter? what's it for? what's it testing? why does it matter? i don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:44:27
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:38:39
and bits and pieces... throwing in a unit conversion here then changing it back out the other end (the actual equation won't take those other units)... rounding at this step okay but not at that other step over there. converting into scientific notation sometimes... but not othertimes. rounding to this many decimal places or... maybe this other amount instead. i suppose we're supposed to know this from... spending however many years of high school hearing it over and over and over and over and over... otherwise.. one simply *can't*. how many times do i need to hear people say it before i understand?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 17:30:56
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:44:27
http://education.ti.com/en-GB/aus-nz/products/secondary-calculators/ti-30xb-multiview/tabs/overview
well, it only comes in battery only hideous green for the nz market. and costs, like, thirty bucks. i suppose i could get a solar powered grey one at some point... but it will take a while to ship...
i like the key layout with the contrast colors. the fact that the numbers are centered on the keypad. that there aren't lots of buttons i don't need. that there are useful things that i do like the natural display. and i guess it will lead in well to the entry level graphics one which i'll need for that math class...
i didn't properly realize that learning to use a calculator was going to be a huge part of math / science. but of course it is. i need to see whether we can use one for the UMAT...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 17:33:23
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 17:30:56
oh... i guess people put the equations in memory and then edit them. so... store the equilibrium expression then just edit in the values they need for the particular equation they are doing. etc.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 18:20:46
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 17:33:23
pretty sure i'm allowed this one, though. we just got this thing 'you aren't allowed one with CAS' and then like 'xxx' and 'xxx' models (which were graphics ones, not even CAS ones). pretty sure we are allowed natural display whatever that is called...
i probably shouldn't have spent most of yesterday watching calculator reviews on youtube :( but it really is as i expected... once you go a way... you get to be locked in. kinda like cellphones... you get used to a layout, certain quirks of functionality, and everything else just seems just odd...
NZ is mostly casio. but I like TI... i sort of think there is something a bit dodgey about cornering the school market... online GED... but the standardisation means there are lots of youtube vids on how to use. and it is fairly curriculum focused with respect to not cr*pp*ng up the display with things that aren't needed. it seems... simple... which is important. the display... with the contrast colors... seems organized. like... it is trying to help me cognitively. genuinely. instead of trying to make things hard because it wants to feel better about its own lack of understanding / or whatever it is that drives that...
i know why. it is because i'm learning maths via that online website and it is american. so... i'm learning american maths. i mean, it says i'm doing the nz version but all that means is i got nz dollars for the currency stuff and (perhaps) it cr*ps on a little less assuming that things like inches and feet are intuitive to me (they are not). but... i'll be learning american... and this calculator... makes intuitive sense / organization of what i've been learning, yeah.
watching the how to use clips helped things make more sense to me, anyway. starting to have more of an overview of were things are headed... with the function tables. the TI 30 is just perfect for me for where I am now. Once I get to integration / differentiation I need a graphics calculator anyway. So... I don't think the... whatever the standard entry graphics one... I don't think that does natural display for equations. I guess it is something you outgrow. What becomes important is expressions / function tables / graph equivalencies.
For now... I'm just trying to get a hang of moving parts... E.g., I was getting upset because a question from last year was to name an intrinsic property (one that doesn't depend on the amount of matter present). one example was 'density'. And I was upset because I've just learned that density is equal to amount of matter (g) over or into area (v). so i thought that density did indeed depend on amount of matter. that half of the freaking concept (well, maybe i wasn't thinking half exactly but, uh...)
But then... The point is that we wiggle the volume in order to vary the concentration while the amount in moles remains fixed.
and i'm confused already... density... concentration... ha... hahaha.
not getting the right answer because hitting EXPx102 isn't the right way to enter that in really isn't helping me.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 20:54:32
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 18:20:46
intensive not intrinsic. a graphics calculator would be cool. but i do need to do more algebra... but i should get one as soon as i can afford. start using the calculator for the math website, now. check that i can use it properly / get the right answer out of it.
i... am surprised that there is still a market for calculators. why can't i-pads do the same thing? i didn't realize graphics calculators were programmable... BASIC... the origins of gaming haha. 84 plus... soon as i can afford... allowed it for that math class... not allowed it for chemistry... don't suppose it will help me arrow push for chem next year... i'll ask the physics people what is / is not allowed for that...
i think it will help me learn.
i think that the whole thing about kids not being able to do math anymore because of relying on calculators... is a bit silly. extended mind and all that. division of labor. concepts... that's what it is supposed to be about... i mean... that is the actual hard bit (that machines can't do) so why not focus on developing that? math does seem to be... a lot about substitutions. symbollic, i guess. not just about learning a single language but about learning lots. lots and lots. lots of different ways... like using latex to display equations. or a graph. or an expression. different ways...
i'm just starting out. giving me a sh*tty one line display calculator that needs things to be entered in differently from how they are represented in class is... a recipe for failure. like they told me. you can't do it. course i can't. not if you aren't going to give me a heads up about getting an appropriate level calculator... sheesh...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 21:01:24
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 20:54:32
and i need to wait for my new toy to arrive and i'm... balking. until then. which is a cutting off my nose kinda thing to do...
uh...
i can practice writing the equation we are supposed to use from memory. i can practice putting the numbers from the question into the right places with the right units. i can identify the units of the answer.
but most of my calculated answers will be wrong wrong wrong.
and so while i can probably learn what Q being greater than K means... i can't tell you whether Q is greater than K in this particular case. so I can't tell you what happened / what needs to be done in this particular case.
i suspect i can pick up quite a lot of marks just for... putting down what i do know.
basically...
everything that can be done without a calculator...
without a calculator that can take the equation copied in it... that produces for me the right answer.
because i haven't done years and years of math to learn to use my particularly (old fashioned cheap) calculator. or (actually more the situation) i didn't know there was any such thing as different calculators with anything like natural or textbook display... nobody suggested that maybe i get something like that...
why not?
i don't understand people sometimes. people will smirk a little and tell me how to enter the little numbers in on my particular calculator... but they won't just say 'oh, hey, why don't you just get natural display??'
?
at least i figured this out in time for the exam.
me and oscar. high school equivalancy. here we come. f*ck yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 18:43:45
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 21:01:24
So, apparently there are 'safety issues' with my working in a quieter space for labs. Last lab we were meant to record the temp of water cooling every 30 or 60 seconds. For 40 minutes.
They need to pay someone in particular to mind me. Which I probably do need, actually. Given that the lab instructions (e.g for titration) are incoherant to a person who doesn't already know how. Or sheeple along. And there's nothing wrong with my verbal comp. But thanks for questioning that. Important, always. To blame the learner. Don't, whatever you do, try and figure why a lot of people struggle, and figure how to help them learn better.
Of course I'm a real freak in my calculator preferences. I mean the market hasn't gone in the graphical interface direction, at all...
I did want... For a time... Something Ministry of Ed. To do with University teaching Learning. We are just... So very far behind in so very many respects... I guess a lot of people are incapable of assisting learners who have more ability than they. That is a huge part of it. Drill and mindless repetition. Lots of time devoted to learning arbitrary calculator entry conventions. Because... One doesn't have conceptual understanding. Doesn't know how to facilitate that.
Perhaps those drawn to teaching... Well... Dictator. Co-learner. Mmmhmm...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 20:44:31
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 18:43:45
i guess it is like that ny times article. about minimising the damage. being confronted with that jellyfish molecule and not f*ck*ng knowing what the f*ck was going on. you just... mop up the damage as best you can. that is basically where i'm at with the test tonight.
i should have spent the weekend focused on the concepts. setting up the paper set-up with the values we need... but instead i bailed, rather. spent most of the weekend watching youtube videos reviewing different models of calculator... researching how much different kinds of calculators aid / vs crutch learning... i know far more than i'll ever need to know about calculators...
having a meltdown realizing that most people are programming in numerical approximations of the formula... just need to alter the values for the details of particular questions we'll be asked. they have it all set up nicely like an equation...
they won't be doing calculator memory resets.
i...
the thing to do is to just not care. back to focusing on the textbook... using my new calculator properly... things will come together for me for the next test...
whatever / however other people do their thing... is none of my business.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 4:56:49
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 20:44:31
well, the test really wasn't anywhere near as bad as i'd feared. it really was mostly conceptual. i probably would have picked up a few more marks if i'd have focused on conceptual study over the weekend (e.g., i think i got some enthalpy stuff the wrong way round and perhaps even the whole q and k thing...) but... i don't think i would have done heaps and heaps better. even with a better calculator. which is more about... fit, i guess. really is more about feeling comfortable with it. instead of hating it. as i do mine.
it wouldn't have helped anybody to have things stored in memory or whatever... most people don't even seem to know about natural display. they have one line display scientific calculators (like mine) or they have casio graphical (which is unofficial mod upgrade to get natural display) which they weren't allowed for its alphanumeric..
i...
i'm tempted to say: i suck. but nothing sucks, i've learned. still... pressure... can turn people into *ssh*l*s, for sure. i wish i didn't turn into such an *ssh*l* when i get stressed about stuff...
not entirely sure what to do about it. not entirely sure what to do... i wish i wasn't such a horrid person :(
Posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 22:17:45
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 4:56:49
so model answers are up and... it is perhaps worse than i thought. doesn't seem quite so conceptual now. i can't for the life of me remember what i wrote... whether my explanations are good enough for the conceptual bits... it was a push to finish in time (just) so the whole thing was very hurried.
i don't know how many calculation errors i would have made. probably quite a lot. know i got some of the formula messed up... probably forgot to put a few units down, too, just so happy to have calculator arriving at something... possible.
i'll be pleased with an A-... Will take a B+... Anything less than that will hurt, rather, but... That might well be the reality of the situation. Guess quite a lot hangs on the comparative thing... How very much better / worse other people did...
Had a doctor appointment today. For the student health services here. Everything was going fine until the nurse (compulsory to see her beforehand for the first visit) wanted to blood pressure test me and weigh me and measure my height. Balked... I did. And then she got all sh*tty about non-compliance... And I was like 'I just want some propanolol and to get a lab thing for some bloods' and she was all sh*tty that I wouldn't let her grope me.
Then the doc... Meh. Whatever. Seems I don't need to sign a release form for her to get my notes from other places... She's going to have a ring around about me. Oh yay. Then on my way out... The receptionist was all like 'oh hey so you wouldn't let the nurse assess you' or whatever... All... Gossipy. As they are. You know, with the wait room being all full of bored people and all... And I was like 'I saw the nurse, I saw the doc, I just want to pay the fee and go'. And she was all determined to discuss it... And it kinda ended with her clutching my pay card to her chest refusing to give it back to me like some three year old... Because I wouldn't turn the whole thing into a drama...
In fact... That was what the doc said. Why was I making such a drama? And I was like 'I'M the one making the drama?' That I wanted to talk to the doc direct instead of having the nurse tell the doc that I told the nurse that...
What part of 'no means no' about touching is hard for people?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 16:50:45
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 22:17:45
my contact died.
the medical guy. who i was friends with in australia. who got a little too friendly at some point... who... stayed on the friend radar (though a lot more distantly after that). who... ended up being kicked out by his wife... ended up with some other lady... looking really good. lost heaps of weight. eventually... deteriorated. heart failure. death. he died. when i was in wellington. hit me hard, really. he was... like a father, yeah.
he gave me a referral when i was in aussie. to see the best gp i've ever seen in my whole entire life. she was... amazing. i don't think i took up particularly much of her time... but she was terrific. i felt heard. looking at some of the hormonal stuff... it's all still an issue for me, but in this country the party line is to laugh it off as cosmetic. cysts and infections and... well... who the f*ck cares. too hard.
i didn't go to his funeral. partly... it just seemed wrong. since i didn't get to my dads. that's weird, huh. mostly... i didn't have anything to wear. having to deal with heaps and heaps and heaps of other people... and the person i was staying with / would have gone with... would have been mostly enjoying the drama / family reunion aspect of the situation which wouldn't have sit so well with me...
uh.
point being... i really need a good gp. and i have no idea how to find one. not at student health, i know that for sure. they are more of an alliance of 9 or some freaking thing and you see whoever is free, anyway... probably not the rich suburbs either side (trophy wives probably don't mind being ripped off from socially gregarious doctors with the right look whatever they know / don't know)... i wonder if i should contact the autism support people for this... see if any adults on the spectrum have any positive reccommendations...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 17:31:47
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 16:50:45
i feel sick
i feel sad
i did everything i could.. everything i could.. to get supports set into place before things start to get hard. to prevent.
but this place isn't about prevention. it is about escalation. dramatization. entertainment.we don't have so very many people... but most of the people we do have... hordes... masses... hanging about doing nothing... getting nothing done... getting things done slowly...
numbing their minds on tv. 'new idea' magazines. new diet! new fattening recipe! new clothes! new makeup! new self help how to feel good about myself! mixed messages... conflict... just enough to keep people feeling... kicked. enough self blame for them to feel... settled. like they aren't deserving of more. enough social pressure to... make them feel worse if they are desirous of more...
it's supposed to be easy. easy or not at all. things like medicine. or even success... if you do work hard it's supposed to be all hidden away behind closed doors. nobody must see what real hard work looks like... that must be kept secret. hidden. pretend like it doesn't exist...
people might start getting ideas.
things feel... falling apart, rather. i need... someone to process... decompress... what i need to do do get through...
should i complain about the 'treatment' i got yesterday?
should i keep pursuing that issue about ppt availability before class (chem dept digging in heels - biology has changed it already)?
what should i do about this request for disability support for labs? just how insistant should i be?i can't tell what is reasonable... i'm so very vulerable... to people laughing 'you're just being silly! overreacting! drama queen!' then when i drop it having a laugh behind my back at my... and everyone's... sheeple. at how the sheeple don't even deserve any better because they are far too dumb to realize...
i don't have anyone... in my corner.
health 'professionals' of yesterday... looking after their own. each other.
i wonder where that gp goes... when she gets sick.
i bet it is the f*ck*ng hell right away from there...
i don't know what to do.
i do feel... alone.
but a desperate gropy someone...
get away.
sigh.
i'm remembering that lady in australia... when i was ringing about trying to find a t... she had a go at me for being upfront about my not having much to spend... then she backed up a bit. nobody will give you a chance if you say that right upfront. because they will think... you are... borderline.. manipulating.. boundary testing.. to see... i was like... being honest. to save heartache of not being able to work with someone who is good fit. could hear her heart sink. guess that's supposed to be the idea. sometimes accommodations can be found. because it is clear what is needed... you just can't... try and truly represent yourself to find them.
i don't know what i'm saying.
i don't have anyplace to go.
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