![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 94 to 118 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:02:48
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 17:53:53
very small bursts. and a 40 minute phone conversation has taken it out of me... i've had my quota... for at least the next 6 months...
she'll try and induce the guilts, of course.
i'll just drop her an email that i actually feel i'm best to focus on my studies right now, but we had that long phone chat.
then i'll stop the email forwarding i've got set up. and she has no other way of contacting me. i make sure that is the case, always.
she never will understand.
i'm not entirely sure about this autistic spectrum thing.. she's pretty definately got significant problems with emotion regulation. my biggest problems with emotion regulation came from my being expected to regulate her's when i didn't have a healthy model to figure out my own...
time and space away from her... and i have come over the years to have a reasonable grip on my own. and (i think) a fairly sophisticated understanding of them (compared to the general public) due to the reading etc i've done...
when i've got proper space / defences set up so i have distance from her then i can feel some sort of empathy for her... i remember what it was like to feel like there is this horrible emotion demon inside of one that one has no power or control over.
only trouble was... for me... it's name was mother. and getting way... i got away.
but her's... lives inside her still. doesn't show any signs of letting up (she's 80 something now). she isn't any happier or calmer or... anything really, than how she used to be.
i need to keep my distance / guard up, for sure.
i wonder if i would have grown up healthier (mentally) if i'd have had a more normal mother. perhaps someone... a bit dimmer... who doesn't really get excited about much. my sister is like that. she gets on much better with mum. the guilt trip induction doesn't get to her. so much can roll of her back. she's fairly happy. fairly content. happy smily person. a mother like that... who knows what would have become of me...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:26:20
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:02:48
So... Things really are getting a lot more math-sy...
I think... The key is for me to think of it like having a map (or not).
A lot of (especially graduate students) used to express amazement at how some of the senior professors could (appear to) doze throughout much of seminars then magically wake themselves up for the 4 or 5 minute crucial bit then ask the most penetrating of questions during the question time...
I thought of it is as their having a map of the terrain already. Say it is a talk on representation in philosophy of mind... They have a working knowledge of the main issues, the 3 main positions on this, that, and this other issue. They have a working knowledge of the virtues / vices of those positions and how they play. They have a working knowledge of different moves that people have made to try and keep the virtues and eliminate the vices and they have already worked through the ramifications of various of the effects...
So when they hear a supposedly 'novel' talk it doesn't require much cognitive effort for them to... Locate things... On the landscape. And hone in on the particular idiosyncratic features of the particular talk -- and engage with those.
As for the rest of us... Well... When everything is new... The whole thing can seem a bit overwhelming.
It comes with time... And a hell of a lot of hard work, too, of course. Thinking about the many hours I spent pouring over XX's book 'here's a term, let me define it thus, here's another, so defined etc etc etc NOW!! look what we can do!!' and then the theory rolls out...
Of course... He was trying to emulate physics. Or at least... Physics does that too. But physics has math instead of logic... So we have... Equations. And equations freak me the hell out. Because they are novel and new. And I don't know how to read them. And I have no practice getting my head around them...
Just the simplest ones of the form a=b/c
Freaks me out.e.g., density = mass / volume
or whatever. then blah blah blah about cross multiplying and things were awful confusing... Then someone showed me this little triangle thing and you put them in there and you multiply across to get the one on top and you divide the one on top by either of the bottom two to get out the other ahahaha.
I think I'm mostly worried because... I stare and stare and things don't make sense. And I'm not entirely sure what to do... And asking for help is problematic. There is heaps of extra help offered on campus... By second years who have done a second year course in 'how to tutor maths'. And they don't know the 'why's' or whatever that I need... I... I don't know.
I guess I just do my best and have some hope / faith that things are so hard now because I'm just developing an outline of the terrain. Things will get easier down the track as I'm slotting things in.
Thinking back.. Some of the chemistry stuff I'm finding the easiest / feeling most comfortable now is the stuff that was causing me severe headaches at the start when it was all new. I remember being amazed at... Boiling and Melting... I never really thought about them... ANyway... Whatever... It is going to be okay.
Unit conversions.
ffs.
:(
Posted by SLS on April 21, 2014, at 6:11:39
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:26:20
It is okay not to like your mother. No guilt. You may find that you love her in spite of your dislike of her behaviors. I know this from personal experience. Of course, there might be strategies for honest communication that will disarm her. If or until that happens, you might try to disarm her in your mind and stop giving her so much power. You might very well need to consider her to be a child for her lack of personal growth. I sometimes feel sad for my mother that she should have a life of emotional limitations and how that has prevented her from having a more fulfilling experience. The child becomes the parent.
I'm sorry about the math thing. You'll get it. Don't quit and don't see math equations as being a monster that you will never overcome. Math is indeed logical.
Take one task at a time, and temporarily compartmentalize the rest.
Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:15:33
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on April 21, 2014, at 6:11:39
Thanks Scott.
I really don't like her very much at all. Mostly. There are things that I do appreciate... That in some sense she had her priorities right - with food and shelter and books... But in some other sense every single other priority was screwed over by her anxiety... Actually... Even in thinking about her having her priorities right... I'm comparing that to the 'usual' state of poverty (which I did not experience) of drinking and drugging and junk food... Being made to stare at a plate full of boiled silver beet leaves for several hours because one physically couldn't palate them wasn't on most poor kids radars... But I suppose... In some weird sense... I was never made to go hungry...
It is just too f*ck*d up and it is never going to go properly away / be able to be forgotten.
I do feel some sense of empathy for her... Of course I understand that those horrible feelings she's in the grip of (that I was in the grip of, too, over a period of many many years) are experienced (by her) to be outside her control... That that must be terrifying and overwhelming for her...
But then she doesn't have to worry about the source of those horrible feelings being in the actual house with her going on missions to give her beatings. So, uh, I really do have trouble with empathy, yeah. The time I didn't get to go to school camp (the only kid in my class) because I forgot (intentionally?) to tell her that I needed to take a packet of biscuits (which meant she'd give me the cheapest nastiest ones to take she could find and I had no way of getting things myself unless I stole from her - which I actually took to doing in later years -- which in hindsight she must have known full well about but she choose to ignore --- because that was her f*ck*d up way of making me feel bad so any kind of punishment out of the blue at any f*ck*ng time was justified)... Anyway... She packed a spazz about what such a bad child I was that I didn't give her WEEKS in advance warning about this packet of biscuits and we didn't have any biscuits and so I couldn't go. And that was that. The teacher talked to her and all and I couldn't go. Because her anxiety flew out of control over this packet of biscuits.
She'd prefer me to be curled up into a little terrified ball waiting for her beatings for the next few days.
Nah. F*ck this.
I hates her still.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:19:39
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:15:33
I remember watching this TV show when I was a kid... 'mummy dearest' or something like that. about this mean bitch of a woman who was just a mean mean bitch to her kids. and later... flowers in the attic... that mean bitch of a grandmother. i actually... put my mother down in such camps as those. i suppose objectively in some sense things weren't that bad. she mostly only hit me on the *ss (not sure why she got it into her head that she could hit me there hard as she liked). probably to avoid bruises. i'm not entirely sure what to say... i large part of my hatred of humanity comes from being forced to live with her... and my father... ragdoll of a human being that he was... just quietly smoking himself to death...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:28:04
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:19:39
but i got out. i got away.
first in body and then... years later... years and years and years later... gradually... oh so slowly... breaking my way free of their grip.
my father went first. just slid out of existence as he'd always planned to do. stepmother (cold bitch that she is - round two) made him clean out the shed of all his retirement activities before he went. given that he smoked himself to death *despite* her making a show of being upset about it since her first husband went of lung cancer... i suppose it was only fair. i'm sure that's how she thought of it. gave her a lot of power, that did, his decision to smoke.
it is hard to miss what was never really there.
i didn't have anything to do with my mother for quite a lot of my teenage years. when i was in the home. then after that, she didn't know where i lived or have my phone number. i looked into restraining orders should she find out such things and take to harrassing me.
then i think i saw her a couple times when i was at university. started seeing her a bit then... and then she started giving me money. for computers (remember my first computer cost $3,000 and she contributed 1/3 towards it). and then she helped me out with those over the years...
and of course money is power. i remember her saying that oldest sister would only go see her when she wanted money... i think that is awful. but then realising that that is how mother sets things up. she knows she needs to pay us for us to get within 100 feet of her... i... i'd rather not take it. rather not have anything to do with her... i think this is it, really.
why would i? after all these years... she pulls these big stupid eyes 'i wasn't such a bad mother now, was i?????' uh, yes. you were a pretty f*ck*ng bad mother, actually.
the nights i spent... tormenting myself... over whether i should get one of those big blunt knives and stab you repeatedly with it. quickly. now. while i'm still a minor. while i might still have some chance of going on to construct a life...
i hate you.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:35:29
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:28:04
nobody helped me. nobody got me out. had to figure it out myself... run away... cops said they'd put me in a group home if i didn't tell them who i was / where i lived. i told them to go ahead... things didn't work out until i ran away and a friends boyfriends parents got involved... got me into a group home, in fact. a much better situation than things could have been, otherwise. i had my own room, at least. with a lock on the door. but no... intellectual connection. it was okay. good enough.
then living independently.
a huge part of medicine for me is having the power to make informed decisions. most people can't. blah blah blah about objectivity going out the window. that's why you can't treat people you care about or yourself. but blah blah blah right back about accessing clinicians who you DO trust to make those decisions for you when it is inappropriate that you do... or whatever... for the most part better off doing things myself. like looking after me... otherwise... it's all about who you know, huh.
i'm not going to get married... come into money. if i had money i wouldn't know what to do with it to get the things i want, anyway... like with the gym... didn't trust those personal trainers. saw a few of them laughing about their clients behind their backs. thought to myself that i would never know, really, if that was what they were doing with me... getting me doing sh*t they thought was stupid just so they could have a laugh about it later... figured only way i'd properly know was to... learn about it properly. do it properly. only way i'll know whether health decisions are best *for me* or just about trying to save a buck on ignoramus who doesn't know better... and so on...
top floor of the information commons... supposedly 'silent' study space. typically full of girls fluttering their eyelashes and giggling and so on... was full (as in packed barely any spaces left) of people... working. and napping... but powernapping... rather than filling space between classes...
people got those first test results back. from the first compulsory class. biosci. fairly hard going cell biology stuffs... a bunch of people... they have that determination... that optimism... that vague sense of panic... the ones who did well enough to... have decided to knuckle down this study break (more tests after the break). and the flutterers... well... catch you (or whatever you've got) over the summer or... there are better places to be discovering the appropriate work-life balance...
part of it is about...
he asked... the lecture hall (for my class) anyone enjoy the test? a few... and of course a few did. the few who will enjoy studying over the study break... the other few will enjoy... their sleep. their trip to the gold coast or back to the islands. enjoy their partying it up. whatever it is that people enjoy... there aren't many who enjoy the mental stimulation of uni. honestly.
some kids were saying that the bio-med classes... everyone claps at the end. i was like 'why'? i mean... the lecturer is just doing their job... i don't get it... but now i'm starting to see... because for the first time in many of these kids lives... the person teaching them is actually not a dumb f*ck*ng idiot like most high school teachers are. and... for the first time in many of these kids lives... the person teaching them is more interested in that top quartile than they are in the bottom quartile. for the first time... ever... that class is for *them*. the ones who actually deserve it. clap indeed.
i forgot how much going to uni (that very first time all the way back then) felt so very much like *coming home* for me. for the first time ever. i thought it was about nobody telling me to pull up my socks or stop smoking behind the bike sheds... and of course that was part of it. but the biggest part of it was lecturers who were focused on the things that were important and who rightly butted out from things that weren't important / had nothing to do with our learning / were none of their goddamned business.
i forget how rare these people are...
i wonder where the actual med students study... i suspect there are rooms about the place... the health science library is full of nurses or med school wannabees... trying to look cool just for being there... tapping their feet... clicking their pens... shuffling papers about... engineering... lots of swipe card access halls over there, i see... of course... that's how the real work gets done. sigh. i need to study up there in the evenings and on the weekends at least. during the day when people have classes... people don't have anyplace better to put themselves so they junk up the communal areas... just being oblivious to people trying to work around them... like the gym... best to avoid peak times...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:41:49
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:35:29
the whole f*ck*ng rest of this class is maths... by the looks of things.
okay... i've had a week for my computer games... back to it.
need to rejoin that maths website, too (let my subscription lapse)... schedule at least 1 hour per day... and 3 5 minute blocks for my times tables... or for fast addition... or whatever... skill builders. important to keep those up...
i don't think i'm getting a lot out of it - but of course i am. need to remember that. it's relevance might not seem obvious... but it is helping a lot.
give it my best shot... then... if i have to suck it up and do health science instead of biomed because my math just isn't up to it... nobody (especially myself) will be able to say i didn't try.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 7, 2014, at 16:20:20
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:41:49
i spent about 5 hours preparing for todays lab, last night. it's not supposed to be that hard. fairly sure.
i wrote the instructions out again. instead of step one involving several different steps in no particular order I made it sequential. Starting with the first bit we needed to do. E.g., 'Take a 100mL beaker.' I'd feel happiest if I could collect together all the equipment I need at the start. Like how recipes start with a list of ingredients... Collect up everything you need so you aren't rushing about the place bumping and jostling everyone else who is all trying to do the same thing... But if I did that then when I left to fetch the chemicals I'm fairly sure people would view my pile as a convenient heap for them to 'borrow' from. Like how last week the demonstrators set up a couple models at the front so we could refer to that in our set-up. Then people kept taking parts they needed from those and otherwise fiddling about with them so you didn't know if they were reliable sources of information or not...
We are supposed to do 5 trials of titration. I don't see that happening in 1 hour. I find this lab easier because they are a lot more explicit about our instructions. Recording to 4 figures... Checking our readings at eye level... Copying will be detected this time... Saying to hold the pipette against the side to empty it properly. That that last little bit is calibrated into the measurement. Good. That was bugging me.
Then calculations... Which would be better if I was up to date and not behind... But behind I am. I'm getting better at balancing equations to convert one known mass into moles then figuring out the moles of the other and converting that to mass... But we are onto solutions... volume... concentration... I spent about 5 hours last night... And I almost understand what we are up to for the actual titrations. We had an internet exercise that took us through that. ONly took about 2 painful hours of guessing... Brute forcing it... 20 minutes of struggling with the printer... One practice one on our report... Which I worked out okay from the internet one. Thank god. That only took me around 1 hour... But I can't do the one we actually did the titrations for... I mean... My idea was to do everythign I could including setting up the calculations then I'd only need to fill in the values... But it's set the fields up all out of order and our textbook has a method (sort of) that I find simpler so I'm running with that (for the stochiometric coefficient conversion bit)...
Aargh.
Most people will turn up after having spent about 20 minutes randomly throwing things into the internet thing... Smile and laugh and copy their way around the labs... And come out with a far better grade for their lab than me. And have a more enjoyable time.
I could have spent all that time last night... Working through things from where I'm at instead of brute forcing things that are further ahead. But I guess the thought is that people won't prepare unless you give them marks for structured preparation. So... I must spend my time doing that.
Sigh.
I remember why I gave up on science at school. I also remember what it was like getting through that final year of high school just to get entry to uni... This year is sorta kinda like that... Our lecturers are fine, really. It is just... 'Intellectual peers'. That was what the physics guy said to me last summer when I said I wanted to drop - and do it properly later when I was ready. After he showed me I could probably pull a B- if I could sorta kinda do a few unit conversions...
Whenever they try and make everything easy for 'most' others they make things so very much harder for me. I won't be able to do the calculations in the lab because people will be too busy being all 'what did you get?' to each other... Demoralised already... Over it already. Fed up and we haven't even started...
I'm going to remember to take labels thsi week. So I can actually label the beakers as they tell us to do... And as nobody ever does... It will save me a bunch of mental stress anyway...
Maybe I will need to ask for special accommodations for labs. A quiet environment with reduced time stress. Fairly sure that with those accommodations... I'd be done in half the time. Of everyone, I mean. Uh... That makes it unfair to ask for those accommodations - right?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2014, at 1:56:42
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 7, 2014, at 16:20:20
well... i messed it up at a really early step. i'm still not entirely sure how... but missed a part where you transfer a smaller portion of the larger amount (from which you do repeated trials from, i guess) to a smaller vessel and use that to catch the solution from the burette. so... ruined the larger amount of one of the solutions. i could have just started over, i guess... but... i did my best. really. and i failed at it. basically. had enough... had enough before the lab had even started, really.
i went to the convener after... i basically need someone to supervise me so they can't just put me in with a quieter group or by myself. and it needs to be around that time so i can get solutions from there and they don't need to be prepared separately. apparently the disability office will sometimes fund senior students to do that... basically someone to help me do labs and i do them someplace... quieter. i guess i will. the hope being that i can learn to do them so i don't need that accommodation.
i feel... demoralized. somewhat. i don't really understand why they are so very hard for me when they really aren't supposed to be. why i spent 4 or 5 hours preparing for it last night... and most others just roll up and follow along... i did fine on my last lab... where i did most of it beforehand... even with not having any results this time i'll probably do fine again since i did most of the theory questions before class.... everything i could do without the results.. btu i seem to lack the basic ability to follow instructions in there... i feel.. useless. apparently it is a bit of a discretion issue or somethign something with teh disability office. they have do decide if i'm worth it. or something. ugh. still... there it is. i guess... i shouldn't hold my breath.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2014, at 0:32:52
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2014, at 1:56:42
i guess it will all depend on what i can do. i mean, i said i don't have a problem with tests or exams. i find the test / exam room (and people in the room) quiet and focused enough. so i don't need test or exam accommodations.
i will say that i'm contemplating whether it will be better for me to play the scramble all over the other puppy dogs but don't get caught trampling by the security guard next year... to try and get a seat in one of the first few rows of the biggest lecture theatres they have on campus to avoid the figety figets and ponytail flippers... to minimise the whole 'oooh yeah that test for that other class was soooo horrid' chatter before the lecture starts... or whether i'm best to just stay home and catch the online version on class forum.
if i got a 'special seat' it would make me most hated person in the class. obviously. i'm pretty f*ck*ng certain i'm not the only person who is immensely bothered by the overcrowding in first year classes...
even in later year labs... apparently things aren't so bad in second year because there are less students. but i guess that means they just cram those fewer students into a smaller space. so all that happens really is that those who are less focused go do something else so you finally end up with people who are able to focus appropriately. people who... aren't 'integrated'. you know... talking about the gym in the library and food in the gym and class while they are eating...
anyway...
i think the moral i'm supposed to take is that the procedure doesn't f*ck*ng matter. it is only worth a very few marks really. most of the lab is theory that can be done beforehand. so... who cares. who cares if i f*ck up the procedure at step one (like my second lab) or step two or step three. who f*ck*ng cares. fairly sure i'm not supposed to.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 10, 2014, at 17:34:55
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2014, at 0:32:52
The equations are getting easier. I remember physics guy saying last summer that things typically come together for people a couple weeks in and I was like 'yeah, right'. But things feel like they are coming together for me. It really is about pattern recognition. Here is the form for this sort of equation. Then you plug the values into the relevant places and your answer chugs out. Lots of little traps for the unwary, of course. To round or not to round. And so on. But getting it, I am. Then the next style or type of problem is just a permutation, really. A minor variation. An additional step or so. Keeping track of what you know and what you don't know helps you sort the steps in between. Chemistry really does... Make sense. I hope physics turns out similarly next semester. For now... My biggest worry is whether I can do the calculations in the time allowed - the actual hard bit - within the amount of white space we are given.
I've found a spot in the library that is good for a couple hours study on the weekend. It is nice... Pleasant view of the road etc. It really is good for me to get out...
Realising just how... Unfocused... A lot of people are. People throwing tantrums in libraries of all places that I won't acknowledge their presence despite their rustling and fidgeting and tapping. Realising how... It really is because I'm female. Last lecture a couple guys blocked me in by blocking isles to my row and the one before (you really do get caught by ponytail flippers with how close the rows are). And I realised... Both of them... Other people just leave them alone. They don't try and get them interested in conversations about inter-hall residence games people are playing which involves them turning up to class in fancy dress or whatever... The difference? One of them is a big guy. Gym big. Nobody bothers him trying to make smalltalk. He isn't even glaring at people. The other one is... Just a regular looking guy. Slightly geeky / shy. In an almost artsy way. It is just that I'm a girl so I'm supposed to be tuned in to stopping whatever it is that I'm doing on call and focusing in on paying attention to others and making them feel okay. And the fact that I'm not... Induces tantrums. Of the... And now I'm going to escalate and not let her get any work done at all variety. Or of the... Lets have conversations with other people in a big loud voice about that anti-social girl over there. I mean what is wrong with her and what is her problem? Ugh. People... Ugh.
There is a Jacob's ladder in the gym. In a corner. Nobody uses it. Because it is really very hard work indeed. It seems to... Gas you. Completely. As in... Total systems failure. Not breathing particularly hard, that isn't it. Not the muscular burn you get from something like spin. But a... muscular ache. Hard to explain... It just... Total fatigue. So... When I can't get a barbell... Or when a bunch of jerks arrive yapping about their protein powder... Progressively crowding me in their efforts for me to pay attention to them and be impressed... If I don't feel inclined to start mock staggering around with the barbell overhead fairly obviously threatening to drop it on them if they get too close and I just give up that they have ruined things for me since I can't properly commit to the lift because I can't safely fail / drop the bar without fear of it rebounding off of them back onto me... For the days when the cardio room is nearly empty and the first person to race in takes the machine right next to me so my sweat literally flings on them (I know - right??? What do I need to do??? Shower less???) I have that little corner of the world.
It isn't most people... Only some. Only one. One or two. Persistently. Wherever it is that I put myself. I really do... Think murderous thoughts about them. Why can't someone teach them to f*ck*ng well leave someone alone when that person obviously isn't f*ck*ng interested in paying attention to them. I just don't get it.
It makes me feel very cross that big guys are treated differently. But notice it, I do... Notice it in busy unfocused gyms. How people give the big guys their personal space... Or the Very Strong guys. Not always... But often... People will give a wide berth to people who are squatting or deadlifting or benching a Really Very Large amount of weight. Even if those guys are smaller. And these people are given more space without their glaring or growling for it. Some of these guys can be fairly smily and friendly even but that doesn't result in the puppies falling over their feet... But because I'm a girl people think nothing of setting up within a few feet of me or walking within a few feet of me before I make a lift or whatever. And even usual rules of ettiqutte don't seem to apply (e.g., guys that I would think would be guys to hold a door politely for anyone - especially a girl) are really very impolite about barging into whatever equipment they want and hogging it. And a bunch of bigger guys... Just honestly walk about totally oblivious to others need / desire for personal space. Just expecting everyone will get out of their way...
The gym has made me bolder when it comes to person-person collisions. I remember being panicked on the streets of sydney before that I had to defer to everyone because the cost to me of being nudged and falling was so much greater. Now... I can throw my body about into the ground... And it's okay. However big that person is... They aren't harder than the round. If we collide so be it. Won't even hurt. I can accommodate the deflection. So I can play convincing chicken. Becuase ready for the impact / collision I am. And I know it will occur only once. Bring it on. And then you have groups of guys... Set up in the rack just behind me (there are other racks) then set up their yappy tea party between sets in the bench just in front of me (there are other benches). Sit themselves around 1 1/2 meters in front of me just before I'm about to make a lift. Disrespectful. That is what it is. I pretend to nearly lose it on them and they get me looming over. That usually gets them out the way quick-smart. People... Gross... Gross... Gross...
And all this is because... People simply can't handle the fact that yes, I'm a girl. ANd yet my purpose on earth is f*ck*ng well not to pay attention to you on demand.
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 2014, at 8:24:06
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 10, 2014, at 17:34:55
> The equations are getting easier. I remember physics guy saying last summer that things typically come together for people a couple weeks in and I was like 'yeah, right'. But things feel like they are coming together for me. It really is about pattern recognition. Here is the form for this sort of equation. Then you plug the values into the relevant places and your answer chugs out. Lots of little traps for the unwary, of course. To round or not to round. And so on. But getting it, I am. Then the next style or type of problem is just a permutation, really. A minor variation. An additional step or so. Keeping track of what you know and what you don't know helps you sort the steps in between. Chemistry really does... Make sense.
Good work! And good luck with your next steps,
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:35:43
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 2014, at 8:24:06
Thanks. Back to it not making sense, again. Enthalpy... Hess' Law... Kinetics... Rates of reaction... Something about... Coefficients and exponents...
I think I need to split my time a bit between trying to understand the concepts and working through calculations. Even if I don't understand the concepts.
I just need... Practice, I guess. Time with them. Work...
___
I really don't get why they won't make their lecture notes accessible to students before the lectures. Why they won't actively encourage students to prepare for class by working through them at least a little.
Best story I've got out of them is that they think students won't come to class if the notes are available before the lecture. They seem to think that that means the students will do worse.
I've said... I won't come to the lecture if I can't get the powerpoints before class. For the hard stuff that we are doing now at any rate. Not being able to keep up during the class is... Demoralizing. It isn't motivating or inspiring it is just... Demoralizing. People are just getting up and walking out... Eyes are dull... I don't understand why they don't go 'oh, hey! y'all aren't stupid (necessarily) just not prepared. HERES STUFF TO DO TO PREPARE!! IF YOU DON"T DO YOUR PREPARATION THEN IT IS ON YOUR HEAD!!'. I just... Don't get it.
They have lectures up... Lecture recordings. They seem to think that students won't come because of that. That, again, students will do worse if they don't come to class.
They cant' seem to separate out the 'aren't in class because off doing other things' from 'aren't in class because my own study techniques are more f*ck*ng effective than the way you choose to teach' people. Students have been telling them... Over and f*ck*ng over... Gimme your powerpoint notes before class. Gimme gimme and no... I guesstimate you are a lazy little sh*t and so no.
This really can't be it?? Can it??
Then what is up with overflow rooms? Apparently it is common in science. Other universities as well...
Why not pay a TA $5,000 to lecture the overflow? It isn't that much in the grand scheme of things. If you can take their enrollment money... If you can invest billions into building brand new buildings (mausoleums) to f*ck*ng house them the least you can do is provide one lecturer for each and every f*ck*ng big *ss lecture hall.
How do you decide who gets 'proper lecturers' rather than TA's? Here's a novel idea... Lecturers get to work you harder. Since they are less garbeled they can expect more out of you. They are also capable of writing you meaningful references so... 'general edders' flock to the TA's... people looking for a cruisy ride... TA's get to practice / learn on them. Fair's fair. you waste my time... i get to learn on you... you can't be bothered doing your pre-reading i can't be bothered giving you properly prepared lectures (actually just don't have them yet since i'm all new at this).
why is this so hard?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:49:52
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:35:43
it is just...
i guess i'm starting to see why people are... horrified? at the thought of 'starting over' (at my age) with science.
it seems to be... it does it's thing at the pace that it does. and it doesn't give a sh*t about whether it is in your best learning interests for it to move a bit faster or slower or whatever. it is impervious. it just does what it does. and if you don't just keep your yap shut and follow along as best you can then you are stupid. basically. it is your fault and there is something wrong with you.
i see that there is a bit of fear, actually, when it comes to the kids who get things right right right right right. because... after a while doing the same f*ck*ng thing without an increase in difficulty and... anyone who isn't an idiot gets to the point of feeling like caving in their head with a baseball bat would be preferable to doing yet a f*ck*ng nother one of those equations. or whatever. so... what to do...
the arts.
that's why people go there. sometimes people go there first because they aren't prepared to work. there's a bunch of them, for sure. but often people go there because... well... for the humanity. ffs.
going the other way round... tis just wrong.
meh. i'm just grumpy because... i don't suppose i'll be going to lectures next year. i suppose i'll be staying home checking the online forum incessantly for when the lecturers get round to putting their powerpoints up... at which point i can actually begin my study.
i feel... sad.
but still... open entry... giving people the *opportunity*. that's... what university is all about. yes?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:53:48
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 2014, at 8:24:06
i f*ck*ng hate being a first year! and i have a whole other year of it next year wah!!!!
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 1:49:51
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2014, at 2:53:48
well... i had an amble around the book store and the prize for the clearest course books goes to... engineering. lmfao.
i had a... very informal lunch with some people today... very nice... to chat about politics and university politics and... stuff... there is a bunch of university politics going on behind the lecture notes thing. everyones fearing for loss of jobs... trying to justify the existence of in person lecturing etc etc etc... i think... given the climate... the thing might be to approach the lecturers more discretely and ask for them to help me out, yeah. to... trust in their... love of their field... which is probably lurking in there somewhere even if university politics gets in the way sometimes... as to the significant majority of first years who are only there as the line of least resistance, or in order to get industry job, or they are (probably through no fault of their own) just dumb as dirt, really.
i'm going to try and get to at least one of the lecturers i'm meant to take next year... see how it is for myself. i've been... going off stuff i've heard students say because i had nothing else to go off... but i should know better... they're probably magnifying their story as they see me react to what they are saying... it could be that they never even made it past the first week and the attendance is more sparse now... who knows...
anyway... only 2 more lectures to get through and then it is back to what will hopefully be some lighter going stuff. less equations / novel symbols and a bit more story. hopefully. learning about species of particles and the evolution of heat lmfao. about how reactions are driven (all aristotelian like) by their desire to reach a state of lower energy. aaaaaaaaah, chemistry. not theoretically driven - just theory rationalized, apparently. i've never heard of a theoretical chemist...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 2:06:55
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 1:49:51
i was obsessed with the idea of a 'system' before. thinking that sorting that out... was really important. lots of work in phil of science has focused on that... systemic capacity view of function / dysfunction where such things are relative to some idealized norms for systems... instead of an historical (evolutionary) view... anyway... systems seem a lot less mysterious to me now... but this idea of 'work'. that seems important. 'organization'. electricity... that is f*ck*ng amazing. that you can make a battery from ionic solutions. f*ck*ng wow. that you can do that... makes no sense to me at all. and how you would even begin to build something like a computer... or... circuits. what the hell are they? what are they doing? how does that work? so much to learn...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2014, at 17:25:03
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2014, at 2:06:55
got my *ss to 8am chemistry lecture for next year...
it was okay. got there about 15 minutes early and while there were loads of people there, there were lots of free seats. i think the situation is more about bus times than about people arriving early especially for a seat. it was cold. may as well sit in the theater rather than wait outside. even once the lecture started... free seats.
filled up more for the next class... still free seats, though. i think the issue with the overflow room is that people would prefer to sit with their friends rather than add to the end of a row of a group(?) of people they don't know.
managed to sit behind the most annoying people in the whole room... more of a mild annoyance than a true distraction. i can probably get front row reliably... then i don't have to see people fidget... once things have settled down, anyway... maybe before...
i actually heard other people make ssssh noises... can't remember the last time i heard that...
organic chemistry reactions are all pink and purple, the way they are supposed to be... heh. someone else giving the lecture but, still, more of what i've done. rather a lot more haha.
and some bio-chem. 6 steps in chlorine regulation in cells. i see... if you can talk through / draw through the schematic (with some ability to form inference) you are set... handy to have the ppt slide ideal... but good study technique to draw in the schemeatic, yeah. over and f*ck*ng over haha.
people were... calmer. i was a bit of an oddity in sitting by myself - but only a few chatty groups who seemed a little unnerved and (the crucial bit) they seemed to be the tolerated exceptions rather than the rule. and i could see their coursebooks and, uh, they aren't going to be there the following year most probably.
so...
it was okay.
the pace is a bit all over the show. lots of repetition, yeah, but then lots of new content, too. varied... keeps things interesting, i guess.
the room accoustics really are wonderful... and comfortable seats. i mean... really, very. just as well since it is 3 hours in a row 4 days per week... wish i could remember what time they started in the evening to suss those out, too...
but yeah, i have to go to the lecture. it really is... like theatre. listening to the online is nothing like the same thing. i think there is something about the... environment... arousing... all the people. alerting. that's what makes the lecture traumatic. uh, i mean, memorable. easy to recall later. in the same setting, of course...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:10:02
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2014, at 17:25:03
over physical chemistry. even if there was this brief window where i thought it was kinda sorta somewhat interesting...
the disconnect between the conceptual and the... the solving of the problems. put a minus there because otherwise you get a minus in your answer and rates can't be negative. uh huh.
i feel like... they blindfold me by not giving me access to the powerpoints prior to class. then they get to say 'see, you can't do it, we told you so!' the kinetics stuff we are doing now... isn't in our textbook... but there is stuff online. that's what i need... worked through examples... the ones we have are full of typo's... last thing i need right now is to be worrying about whether something doesn't make sense because i'm not following along vs it actually just doesn't make sense.
not that making sense means a damn... our next lab is... recording the temperature of water cooling. no joke. over a period of about half an hour. a tedious something that could be done in the quiet... that is of course only going to get f*ck*d up in a room full of chatterers chattering about their numbers...
only three more weeks of classes... equilibrium... acids... bases... i hate solutions... equations... lets write things up this notationally different way that means the same thing (that you must have done years of maths to know - just for the sake of being complicated and making things harder!) i've had enough.
test not this monday but next... i'll try and print off some of past years... see about the time pressure... i suspect it will go better than i thought... like how i over-prepared for organic before and the actual test was straightforward. i think this will be like that with pattern recognition for most of the questions...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:16:36
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:10:02
i suspect i won't do math for summer school after all. not much point, really. i'm not going to continue with math which makes me fairly uninteresting to teach and the spirit of things seems to be to put us in teams and let us teach each other, anyway. and i don't do so well with the whole social learning thing. and they won't give me access to the stuff i need to learn the way i know i learn best because... they think they know how i learn better than i do - go figure. well... i guess the idea is that must be true. otherwise i wouldn't be doing remedial. whatever it was i've been doing before... it must not have been working. mmm hmm. i see. let me waste a semester trying to learn things your way. please. can i...
?
not sure what it is with lecturers that they think they are better teachers than textbooks... that have panels of authors and editors... that they feel the need to make things harder than they really are. more complicated than they need to be. to junk up space and time with busywork... i don't know what it is.
do i think the health system is going to be any better?
no.
focus... go print off these tests... work through the problems... become just what they want me to be -- a student who can solve problems but who has no conceptual understanding. the way they... train me to be...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2014, at 1:50:51
In reply to Re: lectures, posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2014, at 20:16:36
I suppose it is mostly fear. That I won't do well. Or that... I do mediocre. Which is... Which would actually be worse, somehow.
Test coming up real soon...
Then about a month before the exam. I suspect it will come together in time for the latter... I'm not sure about the former. Just do the best I can, I guess.
I... I have worked through the concepts about as best I can. Time for the calculations / equations. Pattern recognition. Setting the solutions up like the model answers. Learning how to enter things into my calculator and interpreting the display. I... I'm not 'cheating' or whatever by focusing on the tests / exams... I... Have done the hard yards of working through the text (when available) and the powerpoints and listening to the lectures several times over...
On the one hand... I think I may have been being unfair about the whole powerpoint thing... On the other hand... No, I don't think so, actually. I did an evaluation for the last lecturer and I was fairly nice because... Well... I'm not entirely sure. Relief that I didn't have her anymore? Not sure what it is... In some sense she does seem to try... But in another sense she doesn't. Giving us practice exercises full of typos... It isn't her first year teaching ffs... She didn't fix them up from last year because...
?
Anyway... That's that and that's over now... Back to a lecturer whose style of teaching suits me a whole heap better. Lots of... Concepts. Inferences. Visual presentation. I even follow his explanation of the math better... It probably helps that it is different... Another way of explaining. Which is what we don't get when she doesn't give us a textbook or anything other than her slides full of typos or half filled out lecture notes. Anyway... That's over now.
Working through the tests... I should get marks for drawing out the equation I'm supposed to use... Whether or not I get all the substitutions... And / or the final calculation.
I think... This is as hard as the math will get for me. ? I think so... I'll have to ask the physics people...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 22, 2014, at 16:13:27
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2014, at 1:50:51
i have a crush. which is... silly, really. if my emotions were less intense i could probably just enjoy it. it is a feeling of... being alive. and it isn't painful, exactly. only it almost is painful to me. it makes me feel... inadequate. very much. i can't... be light and playful. it isn't in my vocabulary. even if he was interested (which he probably isn't), available (again, probably not) and so on and so forth... he would never know it from the way i behave... or... he'd just be scared off from this freak... or... he'd tire of it fairly rapidly over time. best to... stay away. hang back. this too shall pass :(
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 23, 2014, at 2:16:34
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 22, 2014, at 16:13:27
> best to... stay away. hang back. this too shall pass :(
Or, test your hypotheses? :-)
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on May 24, 2014, at 0:33:27
In reply to Re: fear, posted by Dr. Bob on May 23, 2014, at 2:16:34
with my past experience... i think i've discovered a constant.
haha.
just kidding. maybe. needs some time, anyway... so that's okay. i didn't run away. i won't. i think... we do have some kind of dynamic, actually. some kind of understanding. misunderstandings, too, but some kind of understanding as well. i guess i wouldn't feel anything if there wasn't anything there. whatever comes of it. just try not to get too attached. to feel too... devastated.
i failed another lab. 2/15. but only worth 2.5% of the overall grade... test on monday. i really don't have a sense of things... i suspect... things will go really rather badly... for around 1/2 of it. i simply can't get the calculator to co-operate for a good quarter of it... and the time pressure...
i should be studying but i can't face it, rather. two days later and i'm still decompressing from last lab... all... 15 minutes of it before i managed to bail the hell out... only one more to go. i won't. i need to find my focus for the exam. test only worth 15%... last test was only worth 15%... i hope... i get through this okay.
i'm scared... that i'm more disabled than i admit. that i... really can't handle more than a part time workload. that i'll never be able to. still reeling from lab... it's awful. chemistry is just equations now. not much concepts. just equations. calculations. tables and constants. and a crap calculator whose screen i can barely read and it's too late now to be learning to use a calculator... and we aren't allowed... natural display? anyway. this country won't let us. to keep things cheaper, i suppose... and none of it makes any sense.
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