![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 39 to 63 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2014, at 23:46:46
In reply to Re: why am i so horrible?, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2014, at 20:23:21
perhaps it is about... upsetting the natural order.
you aren't supposed to be able to do well, coming from my background.
it has to be about helping people (who wouldn't do anything otherwise) get entry to scrape through a degree. first in family sort of a thing.
it can't be about helping people (who wouldn't get in otherwise) do programs like... medicine.
i mean... that is what private schools are for. a lot of people invested a lot in their children over the years... helping them do their homework... encouraging them... supporting them... loving them... taking delight in them... sending them to private schools... getting them doing extra-curricular... setting them up with compatible friends...
if people from disadvantaged backgrounds have any chance at all it is when they are identified early enough to get to go to the good schools... to get good, supportive teachers behind them, at the very least. you know... expensive schools. expensive teachers.
if people like me (low decile public schools) stand a chance against people like them then... well...
no.
that simply can't be.
it is too late for me, they tell me. i'm good at english! why do i need to be good at anything else for? i mean, sheesh... who do i think i am???
being a high school english teacher is a suitably respectable thing to do. what do i ?? i think i'm better than that? some people don't have enough to eat. and some people never even get to go to school. who am i??? ungrateful little bitch...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 0:00:36
In reply to Re: the natural order, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2014, at 23:46:46
because the 'different breed of people' thing... that is how that goes down.
sigh.
(of course *it doesn't*. that is what is wrong / upsetting about that)
just thinking aloud...
sigh.
*just thinking aloud*.
i'm not particularly upset. a little stressed that year 6 math is getting harder and i simply don't see how to do various things (though i finally finished all of year 5!!!!!) i... do need this program. i mean... i'll make things work if i don't get in because there isn't anything else to be done except that, but i really do need this program.
maybe the math teacher will let me audit the class anyways ahaha. actually... that's not so silly...
i'm scared that i won't get in. and then, i'm also scared that i will get in, and that it will turn out to be like tech.
all i need for it to be okay: is for them to let me learn. for them to understand that it isn't about me aiming to be the best of my cohort... it is about me aiming to be as well prepared to do the best in bio-med as i possibly can. so... i'll do my very best to power through the work and... if at all possible... do some extension stuff. along the lines of those other functional groups etc etc. head-start stuff. because even if i ace the program... it is still a huge jump from there to bio-med. being proficient with a microscope will help heaps for labs. practice with chemistry equations...
if they are like 'you have learned enough' so i'm expected to spend all my time... sitting quietly in the corner. or helping others. then i don't know what i'll do. i mean... helping other is really important -- so long as i get to learn too. that is the thing.
if it is okay to excel anywhere at all in this whole stupid country... it is here. it is just that this program. well, it is supposed to be a bridge. so it... isn't quite there yet.
anyway... year 6 math... ticking along, i am. just some trouble dividing smaller numbers by bigger numbers (long division / decimals) and converting funny fractions (yeah, x by 25!!! why didn't that occur to me!!) and some freaky sh*t just happened with geometry... dilations... wtf??? getting there, i am, though. half way through, actually. only 6 more years to go. yah.
i've been reading this engineering book and it had some stuff on visuo spatial skills and was describing how to... do plans (I forget the terminology). how you draw 2d top and front and side so the person can reconstuct a 3d image... *in their mind*. how you learn to do that. how you learn to translate 3d mental pictures into these 2d images... starting with staircase blocks and simple stuff, of course. eventually... well... building up to things like organic molecules and bones, i guess. like learning to read music... there was stuff on how you learn to get better at drawing, too. how to draw elipses and circles of various diameter and archs... way cool.
math is very visual. can't really describe a lot of it. have to see or be shown... way cool.
Posted by europerep on February 1, 2014, at 15:19:04
In reply to Re: the natural order, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2014, at 23:46:46
> perhaps it is about... upsetting the natural order.
>
> you aren't supposed to be able to do well, coming from my background.
>
> it has to be about helping people (who wouldn't do anything otherwise) get entry to scrape through a degree. first in family sort of a thing.
>
> it can't be about helping people (who wouldn't get in otherwise) do programs like... medicine.
>
> i mean... that is what private schools are for. a lot of people invested a lot in their children over the years... helping them do their homework... encouraging them... supporting them... loving them... taking delight in them... sending them to private schools... getting them doing extra-curricular... setting them up with compatible friends...
>
> if people from disadvantaged backgrounds have any chance at all it is when they are identified early enough to get to go to the good schools... to get good, supportive teachers behind them, at the very least. you know... expensive schools. expensive teachers.
>
> if people like me (low decile public schools) stand a chance against people like them then... well...
>
> no.
>
> that simply can't be.
>
> it is too late for me, they tell me. i'm good at english! why do i need to be good at anything else for? i mean, sheesh... who do i think i am???
>
> being a high school english teacher is a suitably respectable thing to do. what do i ?? i think i'm better than that? some people don't have enough to eat. and some people never even get to go to school. who am i??? ungrateful little bitch...Ha, for once there's a post of yours that I understand from A to Z. Or at least I think that I do...
There are two things I'd like to say.
One, I think I kind of identify with how you feel vis-à-vis your university's "establishment", or more generally the people who tell you - explicitly or implicitly - that it's too late, or that you should aim lower, or whatever. I'm not really in the same situation, socio-economically speaking, because I come from a solid middle class family. Maybe even a hint more than solid... but not rich. But my parents invested a lot in me and my sister's education. The thing is, my past has taken a toll on my grades, especially at the end of high-school, and so on paper I look less privileged than I actually am. And I also "lost a few years."
But when I look around, or especially when I read about great thinkers or scientists on the internet, so many of them also have a "weird" history. I think that, sometimes, being privileged is actually kind of something that can hold you back, simply because you are already privileged. Had I not had to really fight to survive my disease, I think I'd be more successful on paper but less ambitious and motivated to fight to show everyone, not least myself, that I do have something going for me.
And I see that you fight. I don't understand every part of every of your posts, but it is completely clear that you do fight. That's what matters. And not just "matter" in the sense that it's the right thing to do even if you fail, but if you keep going like you are, you will not fail.
So, in short I guess my point is, fuck them lol.
The second thing is about what you said here:
> i mean... that is what private schools are for. a lot of people invested a lot in their children over the years... helping them do their homework... encouraging them... supporting them... loving them... taking delight in them... sending them to private schools... getting them doing extra-curricular... setting them up with compatible friends...
Are you sure about the "loving them" part? And even the encouraging and supporting and helping them with their homework all too often looks to me like parents investing in their children so they will pay off, especially in terms of prestige. ("My son is studying law, la-di-da") I am very glad that I wasn't sent to a private school (there are very few of them here anyway, much less than in Britain for example). And here too, feeling entitled is probably not the ideal condition in which to excel.
Ok, that's all ;)...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 17:24:28
In reply to Re: the natural order » alexandra_k, posted by europerep on February 1, 2014, at 15:19:04
i know you are right. people from 'privileged' backgrounds often have a very hard time of things, too, in a bit of a different way. there can be considerable pressure on them to do well and to become doctors or engineers or whatever... and sometimes they might really want to become something like a High School English Teacher because they really relish the thought of working with kids and getting them doing drama and writing poems and...
Or they might want more of a 9-5 job. Something... More of a job. They want to be able to walk away from their job at the end of the day and be able to invest a lot more in their family / their social / their extracurricular stuff.
Try explaining that to some parents... I think that is part of why people are happy to believe 'it is so really very hard!!!' because then it gives people an out. They can say to their family 'I tried but I failed!' then hopefully they will feel bad for them and not give them a hard time.
And you are right about the love thing, too, of course. I've met many a ... soulless?? Upper class house. And just because Mum knows about embryology doesn't mean she wants to talk about it with you at the end of the day. Assuming she isn't still in the lab, at any rate.
Life sucks for everybody, heh.
I think it is more about acceptance vs expectation.
Keep coming back to that speech... Don't mourn for us / me... Whatever it was... Don't mourn for your child that your child is autistic / an artist / a wanna be scientist / a boat builder / a gymnast / whatever... Mourn for the ideal you had of the child you wanted... Mourn the loss of that... Then put it away... And there is your child.
I think things will be okay for me. The English chick was fine... Piecing things together now... I think she is an advocate for me. The admin chick... Well... I think I'm supposed to be finding excuses to email her about this and that and I think I'm supposed to be loitering in her hallway trying to suck up... I think that is the expectation. Which is probably why English chick asked me about Autism... And left the interview criterion on the table before leaving to ask admin chick something for a minute... They need to prioitise my application because I"m an applicant with disability. I score highly on their criterion because I have my life in order: I will prioritise the program. I don't have kids / family to juggle. I don't have transport issues. Someone just needs to be clear with admin chick that the point of her getting a vote isn't for her to vote for the kids who suck up to her the most. There is an actual criterion...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 17:52:12
In reply to Re: the natural order, posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 17:24:28
of course the 'upper class' thing is relative... or, more, i need to adjust to it turning out to be quite different from what i initially took it to mean. and so i still get that wrong sometimes.
it used to be about:
royal.
the first son got the inheritance. a life of leisure.
the second son went to the university? lawer? doctor? profession. 'middle class'. working.
the third went to the church.or something like that.
university professor... is considered to be a... humble thing. i guess some could earn a lot more in industry / private business. not so for philosophy ahahahaha.
but you need a patron. someone to... pay you. support your life. to whatever standard you manage to get... so they feel good about... being around you...
i don't suppose trophy wives do wonders for their childrens educational prospects... i guess that is what those private boarding schools are for... thats whats good about getting wives into caring things... education... midwifery...
and getting your hair done your nails done your spray tan having your personal training etc etc etc is totally a full time job. caring what the twits are tweeting about you...
and of course that is different from royal. having a private business operating out of the basement of a million dollar cottage in ponsonby (for the tax breaks on your house and your car etc etc) is different. the strain of having to decide whether your kids should go to private school x or private school y is different. whether this or that school gets more people into bio-med, into med...
i would have loved boarding school. i thought. but that's probably because of reading too much mallory towers and the like. i would have had to have taken up lacrosse.
things are going to be okay... they are... its going to be okay. i'm mostly away from these people... those people... people who... are made uncomfortable by my existance. i am okay here. mostly. i think.
this just kind of threw me because i really wasn't expecting...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2014, at 16:06:36
In reply to Re: the natural order, posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 17:52:12
been feeling this horrible... gnawing... scratchy feeling. have been getting to the gym over the past couple days, and that certainly is giving me some respite, but not really fixing things up the way it sometimes does.
i think it is a bunch of stuff just sort of... grinding at me. wearing me down...
everything is just turning out to be so very much more of a mission than it needs to be. like renewing my passport... the system not accepting the photo... so my trying to get internal affairs to take a look and upload it because there was nothing wrong with it (and i couldn't face another trip back to the photo store - so very hard to muster up the... whatever... to get it done in the first place). so the whole thing drags out over a couple weeks...
then about here... it is sorted now. i can stay in my room and they have even moved my contract over to the cheaper rate. so, perfect, really. but took a few days to sort that... and half a day to understand the rent account... the way they bill things etc etc... basically... they make us be / stay HEAPS in advance. which is fine by me. good security / enforced savings for me. but a little tricky to maneuver things into their appropriate state in the first place...
i think mostly what is getting to me is not having heard anything about whether i have a place in the foundations program or not... i've just kept myself enrolled in bio-med for now. hoping to collect anything they put up as online resources while i'm enrolled... helping me get a head start over next summer... but i need to enroll in the alternative courses i will take if i don't get into foundations... before they fill up and i'm well and truly screwed...
i don't know what to do about the math. i don't have an alternative plan. i... can't think of one. i'm... about 85% of the way through year 6 (about 8 skills to go, i think) and about 20% of something through year 7. which is... intermediate. about age... 11. so.... still not even ready for high school. sigh. mostly... okay. need to get my times tables more automatic... freeing up cognitive resources for other stuff... mostly okay. good progress actually, yeah. just a bit demoralized that often times it feels so slow.
and probably a lot demoralized that i work best at home in my room... which means i basically only get out to get to the gym. this is why my view helps a lot... helps me feel connected / part of things but enough distance (13 floors) to feel safely stowed away from it.
i guess i was really looking forward to summer school and then it didn't work out... seems like doing what i'm doing is the most productive use of my time, really.
i have to do my annual report for my phd. i'm dreading that. absolutely dreading it. i don't entirely know why. if anybody understands they will. it is my opportunity to think about / narrate / get clear on what has gone on for me over this last year. i need to remind myself... i am not a bad person. i am not a lazy slacker. i do not need to feel like a little weasel who is making up stories or casting about for excuses... but part of me feels a bit like this... like people will roll their eyes and be like 'and here she goes AGAIN'. and of course... i really don't think people view it that way. i'm just being... my own worst enemy. and i feel afraid.
and of course this year i have stuff to say... about how the sensory processing issues that screwed me over... well, about how they think i'm on the autistic spectrum. about how i'm getting accommodations for that and it is making my life a lot better. about how i need to study something here...
i don't know if it is possible for me to ... just give them my thesis when it is bloody well done. for them to.. not require me to do annual reports and stuff.. maybe it will be 5 years and maybe it will be 10. it might be when i'm retired ffs. but can't i just get it to them when i'm able? when i feel like i've got something worth saying / worth submitting? that was how things used to be... before degree factory... before... why can't it be like that again?
i don't know.
but it is making me feel yucky. and from here... it was bad of me to not have gotten to this phd socializing thing here from this end.... i'm just really bad at doing social stuff that requires effort. because the effort... brings on panic... if it is more spontaneous i don't have the opportunity to get myself wound up into a state about it... anyway.. emails from them about how i should have visiting status... blah.. there is a subtext i don't entirely understand. that i'm welcome? i appreciate that. that there is an expectation that i go? i feel ambivalent about that. i don't think they expect it of their own... so i don't suspect it is about that... i think they are reassuring me i'm welcome... even if i do foundations... that is nice of them. it is always possible that i'll bomb out. trying to do math / science. i mean... i won't. but nice for that pressure to be somewhat lifted.
dread...
i think i was taken off mailing lists etc too... but just been put back on... i don't entirely know. i don't entirely know what to say.
i don't have anyone to talk to. the guy from mental health... said he would email me in a couple weeks and then he didn't. so i emailed him a reply and quoted him saying that and was like 'yeah, right'. and he got back with me to have an appointment with this other person.... just stalling me... drawing things out for as long as possible... pissing about... pissing about... sigh. i'll see how it goes. maybe i will ask to see the doc after all. i'll see how this goes. i feel... i need someone to help me process some of the academic demands i have on me. i need someone who... understands the nature of the academic demands for them to have any hope in understanding what is likely going on in these situations that are unclear to me. so they can help me figure the range of appropriate responses or something like that. or help me figure appropriate ways in which i can seek clarification about what is expected / required of me or whatever. little help, people. but they keep assigning me to people who... are grossly unsuited to working with me.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2014, at 2:48:10
In reply to Re: horrible scratchiness, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2014, at 16:06:36
horrible scratchy still.
feeling... cross with myself today. grumpy in my interactions with others. others who are trying to help me.
i'm not sure what to do about the stuff that happened with the foundations application. maybe the best thing is for me to just let it go. i've got a lot on my plate right now and i don't want to get caught / entangled in that. i don't want to become known as person who complains about discrimination. i don't want to make more of a deal than needs to be made i... i don't think that spending more time thinking on it is likely to help me.
so... i need to drop back to part time. since i've been declined the only level math class was suitable. though... was it even? who knows. whatever. dropping back to part time has all kinds of ramifications... that i need to sort through. problematises accommodation etc etc and paying for it etc etc. a nice bonus (sort of) that i was going to get to get some clothes and sort out a phone and sort out the rest of my moving costs... i won't get that now. can't apply for the overdraft i was going to get now either. there it is.
i don't expect i'll lose the accommodation. if i don't tell them i'm moving to part time they will probably never even know. i won't be able to get the course books i was going to get... anyway... whatever.
whatever.
i went for a swim today. which was good. after i haven't been swimming since some guy was trying to be friendly before... which was even worse than when people try and talk to me in the gym. ugh.
i need to... do some classes. have some more structured people contact. i can barely string sentences together anymore.
Posted by Twinleaf on February 10, 2014, at 12:04:02
In reply to Re: horrible scratchiness, posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2014, at 2:48:10
It sounded as though you had worked everything out so well in terms of housing, financial support and possibilities for graduate studies. Would you lose that security if you switched to part-time?
You are not alone in feeling a lot of stress - probably most of us have been there during our most difficult times. I certainly have. Would it help to rely a bit more on whatever psychological or psychiatric support is available - for example, to request an anti-anxiety medication for a short while?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2014, at 21:55:16
In reply to Re: horrible scratchiness » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on February 10, 2014, at 12:04:02
hi. thanks for responding. yes, i think i'll take a pill tonight. try and have a chilled out day tomorrow.
i have decided i will email the disability guy about how i don't wish to lay complaint about the whole foundations thing... leave it be.
i am in the process of changing my enrollment back to part time. i have... a lot of math to be catching up on. it is just about... not becoming too much of a crazy hermit while i get it done.
i need to plan little things. walks. gym. and i will have a couple classes from march 3 so that will help me a lot.
i have an appointment to see a skills training lady on friday. i think i'm fairly stressed about that... and... just feeling awful exposed and vulnerable after hearing something that was so personal and hard for me... just bandied about over a couple days...
i think there is some back story about people knowing... what people know... i don't know. i feel... vulnerable. exposed. like... like a stereotype. like i don't know how to be anymore. like 'should i wash my hair it is looking a bit greasy if i don't wash it people will think i need help with self-care'... i don't know... probably being my own worst enemy... edge of paranoia...
tail end of my period.. which never helps. that really does affect me so. but yeah... i need more people contact. only trouble is it needs to be very structured to be bearable for me right now. i mean... i've basically been mostly solitary since... since i bombed out of weltec. so since... around october 2012.
i knew it wasn't good for me. then looking forward to physio and then getting exempted from those courses... then looking forward to summer school and needing to unenroll from those...
:-/
i will be alright. thank you. i still love my house. yes. love it very much indeed. they shampooed the carpets the other day. yay.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2014, at 23:37:24
In reply to Re: horrible scratchiness, posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2014, at 21:55:16
the uni gym is AWESOME. i haven't seen so many squat racks! they have strength bags and kettlebells and:
they have a women's (or maybe a training i can't tell yet...) i think it might be women's... Eleiko bar.
:-0
i don't know how to describe... it is like driving a ferrari. maybe. i don't drive. it is just... a wonderful magical bar. the knurling is just perfect and the sleeves rotate just so. and it sits perfect in your hip crease when you get your grip width just right...
i think it's a women's bar. i was so happy i cried. i haven't had one since leaving australia... had a women's bar at weltec - but not an eleiko... and the grip on others isn't as good. had an eleiko power bar at aut but not a women's bar... it is wider and i can't wrap my hands about it as much, feels like it's trying to pull out of my hands whereas with the womens you just grip it and really throw your body around the bar... which i did. i'm so happy.
they have a couple sets of training bumpers...
:-0
oh wow. i can train oly lifting again. oh wow. just... wow. oh wow. i am so unbelievably happy.
and i still have my gym in the city. so when one pisses me off (e.g., as people get to know my routine and i start to feel harrassed) i can mix things up a bit by going to the other one. and i can pick and choose classes...
i feel like i'm about the luckiest person in the world right now...
home made chicken soup from my slow cooker... spent most of the day pottering about doing maths / cooking / cleaning. wonderful time at the gym. battling ropes!!! i forgot about them!!! crash mats, too. back flip - here i come!!!
perhaps i might find an exercise science class to enroll in.. hur...
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 12, 2014, at 22:39:58
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2014, at 23:37:24
Posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 1:02:57
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2014, at 23:37:24
I've decided / discovered it is a training bar (what you teach kids on) rather than a woman's bar. So I'm not ecstatic anymore... But I'm happy enough.
The community mental health meeting went alright. The lady seems nice. She's an OT apparently. I asked her if she has a sensory gym and she said yes but looked surprised. I guess they are supposed to be for kids.
I don't want to get my hopes up or anything... Been there, done that. But she seemed nice, yeah. Have a meeting with her next week, so will see how that goes.
Still having problems sorting out logistics. Or... I don't suppose it is actually that I'm having any sorts of special problems, it is just that I'm not used to / have become impatient in dealing with... Well... The sort of crap that mostly fills most peoples lives, I suppose. I have been spoiled, rather.
Just... Organizing. I guess. Organizing. Most students wait until about now-ish to start sorting accommodation / moving in... Etc... I had all that organized. Most students don't buy their books until they get given their course outlines all printed off and stapled together and presented into their hands. I like to have 3 summer months with mine... Or I'm chomping at the bit for my course related costs to come through (2 weeks before course start date) to purchase what I've been borrowing incessantly from the library...
Am I more organized??? Perhaps... Perhaps in a way I am. But in other ways... It is more of an over-compensation for my actual lack of organizational ability, I think. More of that...
I need to write a proper letter to the folks down in Wellington. Or... I don't *need* to, actually. But... It would be in my best interests to. Perhaps. There is this new thing (just introduced early last year) about how you can apply for limited full time status even though you only have a part time workload. One of the grounds for applying... Is that you have been advised to do so from someone in authority at the institution... And that it is in your best academic interests not to undertake a full time load (e.g., because you will likely fail).
They are actually honest (first time ever???) about who they share information with. Pretty much every government department (it seems to me). Except possibly fishing... And maybe the electricity authority. I jest... But really it does make sense. Immigration. Customs. Tax department. The usual suspects...
Anyway... They say... Something about how you can provide additional information (should you choose) about ... Your life aspirations. You can provide more information about your personal circumstance (should you choose) and that that can weigh into a decision.
I'm thinking... That I should really take the time to do it properly. Basically... Put in a proper application. To say that I do really want to do medicine, but of course I can't do it without the support of others. Without the support of the country... The government. I need one part time year for sure. Worst case (should know within the first two weeks) I can't handle the baby physics and chem courses till next year (e.g., even they might require too much math - physics doesn't require calculus but does require math and lots of balancing equations in chem). I... Don't suspect they will because I am making good progress now on ratios / proportions etc and I'm really seeing why they are important (e.g., drawing to scale what you see down a microscope, figuring out the magnification when you have some equation to do with both lenses) blah blah... I think I can kludge together enough math skills to get through... But I need to be a bit humble since what happened with summer school...
Anyway... Apply properly. I mean... I guess I'm basically asking them to loan me a big f*ck*ng chunk of money over the years... It costs a lot to train a doc. Still... I'm certainly not likely to be one who'll set up shop in private practice and enjoy my riches... Or even to bail for better working conditions... I really have been fairly inspired by what people like Fred Hollows and Tropodoc and the like have managed to do... And I'm not at all sure what I can do... If anything very much... But I'd surely like the opportunity to try...
Anyway...
I figure they probably will give me a year... Then I bloody well better have some stellar grades to show them...
This should get me a smartphone / organiser / over my fear of phones / moving to a more normal keeping in touch arrangements with friends / colleagues / small relations and the like... Not falling too far behind in the technology game... Something a bit... more discrete to practice my math on... Which will get me out of the house a bit more (which I need). It will get me course books and a lab coat and some comfortable shoes so I can focus on things other than blisters... Hopefully some compression stuff to... Help hold me together. I think that is what it does... And I do need to enroll in at least one course per semester or I'll go f*ck*ng nuts.
Anyway... I won't let it take more than half a day... But do it properly I will. Those folks know how much work goes into applications / reports. Two half days. Damn them.
I think I can talk to the people down in Wellington... Especially since it is the social development people who wouldn't give me a f*ck*ng job after I failed their f*ck*ng maths test ahahahahaha.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 1:13:34
In reply to Re: happy happy-ish, posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 1:02:57
while i was killing some time before the appointment i was sitting in the park and it turned out that there was a kindergarten (pre-school) right there (fenced off) in the middle of it. so i was watching the little kids play. there were two... i think they were twins. they did everything together. mostly they were playing in threes or whatever... there was one kid who liked to play by herself. she kept trying to get things / pull things / stack things because she wanted to... swing upside down. like on a seated swing how you can hold on with your arms and lie back... and relax your shoulders / neck / head... swing like that.
she couldn't really, though. because stacking things up under the gymnast rings wasn't going to help lift her butt up so she could lie back properly... after a while she tried the monkey bar. to lie back over that... but can't really do it without flipping around / over the bar.
i remember that feeling...
the place i grew up... the hospital is fairly central. there is a fairly large lake that is close. close to the hospital. close to the city. they have had swings there since... forever. big swings, too. grown up swings. a large / oversized frame so the arc of the swing is... graceful. not jerky / jolty. and the seat high enough from the ground so you don't risk snapping your legs when you try and slow down. and you hold on with your arms and lie back so you are nearly horizontal... and as you ascend the arc you end up nearly upside down.
that feeling...
i think that was what she wanted to do.
i wonder what it is about it...
weightlessness? i get something like that from weightlifting... when i get it just right (requires a good bar to feel merged with it)... a good swing set to the right height... water doesn't do it for me... but i freak out now with water in my ears and eyes. something vestibular, i guess...
i wonder if i'd like space. maybe i should be an astronaut. i jest.
i wonder if the sensory gym has a swing.
i wonder if there is a sensory gym. sometimes people say 'yes' as a matter of reflex...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 22:43:45
In reply to Re: happy happy-ish, posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 1:13:34
it is a women's bar. it just feels dinky-weird because it has been so long...
wow.
feels like it was meant to be, or something. here, i mean. like i am meant to be here. the guy who takes group fitness used to be an engineer, too. haha. wins awards now for group fitness stuff. so... looking forward to box fit or whatever. martial arts to hip hop yay. zumba, even. get some rotational mobility since oly lifting is only deficient really in being vertical (though good to pull up and push up a bit too, i guess).
couple people asked me about my shoes today... i think i will be happy in the gym there.
the math is getting harder. it isn't so fun anymore. i make a lot of errors. need more practice on my times tables, i guess. i can work them out fairly quickly, but i'm still working them out rather than them being automatic. and parts are automaticitating (haha!) automating! that is it! incorrectly. like how i do with peoples names sometimes. where a person becomes 'dave, no dan no john!' for a while until john properly sinks in. two eights are still eighteen no sixteen for some reason. and some of my additions are like that, too... i guess it is practice practice practice.
i have a chemistry website now, too... actually made by people here. seems to go from year 10 (where we start that at high school) through to stuff that looks to me like organic chem. did i say this already? probably...
i need to do the gym in the evening. teh training i do... i concentrate really hard. neural system fatigue. brain fog. yeah. i need to do it in the evening as a reward. if i do it earlier... it messes things up a bit.
i am a tubby tub tub. can't even do one pull up anymore :(
thinking... processing...
the meeting with community mental health went well, really. i think... i think i do click with the person i'm going to be working with. and the guy was alright. i did bust his balls a bit about saying he would email then not... and about how he can't possibly be that happy to see me... but anyway... we will see how things go. she's a cross fitter... so that is something sort of in common anyways... i can ask her if she thinks coconut water is paleo haha. i jest. we will see.
they said a couple things.. it made me wonder a bit if they were... testing me a bit. to see how i would handle / respond to various things. i wonder a bit... i feel like there is a communication thing about me that i'm not privy to... like things are magically connected in a way that... well... i wonder about that feelings of significance thing. if i'm slightly delusional. or if i'm missing a lot of stuff that is supposed to be obvious / blatent because of this autism thing or... quite what.
not entirely sure what to tell the folks in wellington actually. i think the best strategy is actually to keep it short. limit it to one page max. that was all i got for my med application before... and it will be much more than most people give them... i need to get onto that tomorrow afternoon... send it off on monday.. the sooner it goes... the sooner i can sort out phone etc. i want that as soon as possible so the calender is set up and ready to go before classes start. not sure how likely that is...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2014, at 22:50:04
In reply to Re: happy happy-ish, posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 22:43:45
that is why i came here, i remember. that is why i moved back to nz, i mean. for a better life. and it was better. given that my life in aussie had become about working as many functions hours as i was offered in order to pay back rent arrers (and getting in the hand less than my phd scholarship paid even though i could hardly walk at the end of most days). even though the gym was amazing... most of it was focused on rehab so i could walk well enough to do my shift the following day... even though the intellectual community there was amazing i couldn't attend most things because i was too busy working functions shifts / doing rehab / feeling totally demoralized after having my work ripped into because people treat me like i'm senior professor when i don't even have a book deal with OUP or tenure already. ffs.
so a better life it was in not having to work functions. in being able to spend time in the gym... focused on doing whatever i wanted. not focused on doing enough to get me through work i needed to do in order to survive. but having basic survival rate fixed at around $60... which was only enough to survive off of farmers market... and supermarket coffee... and minced beef protein... given the protein requirements of my training... not enough to transport me into the city or anything to socialize with friends...
then moving to aut for a better intellectual community (apparently). for a... future... and again, i didn't need to work functions so that freed up gym for training rather than rehab... which is... a better life in a sense... but still... not having a quiet environment in which i could do focused reading or study... noise noise noise noise f*ck*ng noise everywhere. and anti-intellectualism f*ck*ng everywhere. intolerance... purposeful obstructiveness... of my trying to learn....
and was that a better life? it is f*ck*ng hard to say.
and now... i love my room. i mean... it is f*ck*ng tiny... but it is... everything i need. with respect to things i value the most / things that are most important to me... it is everything i need. it is perfect in some minimal sense of being everything i need. most everything else in this world... is a bunch of frills that i do not need. this is simply everything i need. and nothing else, really. but everything i do need. and more... or not. that is hard to say. i mean... in a sense... my view is amazing. i can see the main landmarks of auckland. so it is something to write home about. something... extra... in some sense. but in another sense... the outlook lends a spaciousness that makes what honestly can't be more than 13 square meters... liveable. in a way that doesn't feel cramped. i can hear people in other units... but we have self contained units. it isn't like they are making noises in an attempt to lure me into communal spaces... because there simply aren't any on my floor. just a bunch of people living their lives...
which is... what i had at anu. but i don't need to time my visits to the bathroom around cleaners. so better than. and i don't need to use kitchen at 3am. so... better than. and the intellectual community here is different... philosophy... i have a home. i do. and it is a wonderful launch space / home base for me as i venture out... and see what happens... in a very scarey way. no... a Very Scary Way.
the gym here has turned out to be f*ck*ng amazing. the best gym i've ever been to. better than the anu. honestly. and that is saying a lot, because that was the best gym i'd ever been to. people have started oly lifting in ernest since they have been seeing me... damn them... better than me already...
i seem to inspire others...
but i have no natural ability whatsoever ahahahaha.
i tried to enroll in a sport science course today. one that was all *warning you better have done math and science at school because otherwise you are f*ck*d* and it clashes with chemistry... i only tried because my experience at weltec.... maybe i have enough background / familiarity with the non-math / sci / particularly physics stuff to be able to do alright.... maybe...
clashes clashes everywhere... which is par for the course apparently...
i think... i've come home. worst case (potentially not worst case at all) i do sport science here...
there is surely a lot of sense in specialist knowledge not being so very important when it comes to some kind of general smarts... i mean... the sports sci people here are smart... and that means rather a lot, actually. maybe... that will turn out to be my home, after all. ... who knows.
i am starting to feel that actually i do have a better life here. not because the functions work was ruining my loafing (actually my gym training). but because i wasn't feeling like a productive member of the (philosophical) community. my gym training felt like... loafing. i want... my passions to be the foundation of my career / productivity. that needs to be the case.... i feel like... there is the potential for that here. for that to happen. in a way that is intellectual stimulating for me as well (which i surely need, i've learned).
i feel... like here... my life is better. certainly the potential to be... but in some sense... is there already. is better. in a way i never really felt it was before... since moving...
the only thing not quite there yet is $$$. i don't think i'm being greedy at all... but it has been 5 years or so... more?? since each pay (each 2 weeks) i could invest in a single item of clothing that was sorta important... or a bunch of minor stuff (socks or underwear) or save for a couple pays to get something major... i've had literally NOTHING for, like, 5 years... mostly nothing for, like 7... 10??? ffs... hobo look... there comes a point where one needs clothes to buy clothes... and just feeling like a f*ck*ng human being... but having the clothes to go out and f*ck*ng have the courage to even try stuff on etc... has become a major problem / source of stress / something i can't afford anyway situation... then events... and gym gear not really being appropariate...
nearly there...
grading work will fix it. if that pulls through for me.
and it seems likely that it will..
in which case: better life. i have. which makes me feel loyal to this country. i would like to be... if it is feasible... and i don't have f*ck*ng high hopes / expectations. not in the international scheme of things... and so... we will see...
but i would like to stay here.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2014, at 23:18:10
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2014, at 22:50:04
and part of why i would like to stay here is that there is a significant segment of the community that isn't focused on australia / the us as something 'better than' as something to aspire to...
but is focused on... pacific island communities (for example). and is focused on... just how f*ck*ng lucky we are. in the broader scheme of things.
i mean... think about the population of the world... the significant majority... are struggling with basic (basic basic) needs. things like access to sanitary drinking water is an issue while people argue over whether coconut water is paleo.
it... affects me. and i want to... help. contribute to the world in some way. genuinely. i don't want my focus to shift... in some sense... but in another sense... it needs to remain focused.
because it is about bringing the best there is to the worst there is. that is the point.
i hope... i do get the opportunity to do something... to contribute in some meaningful way...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 18, 2014, at 0:01:29
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2014, at 23:18:10
So... If you are a full time student you can borrow up to 1,000 for course relate costs. (factor in exchange rate before you judge me)
Course relate costs involve such things as... Course books (where the department prints off a big book of lecture notes / course readings for $30 or so), lab coats, calculators, computers, stationary etc etc etc.
Pretty sure transport is a claimable cost.
It is stipulated that accommodation is not.
(Even though in fact a lot of students are left with no other means for bond / down payment for accommodation).
You are supposed to be full time to qualify... I have dropped my enrollment back to part time... But I could apply for Limited Full Time Status (because it is in my best academic interests to be part time as advised by the science student centre) but... That would involve my further harrassing teh science student centre and I'm fairly sure they are well and truly sick of me... Along with my writing a report to present my best case to the folks down in wellington...
Only... 1,000 found It's way into my bank account today.
So, uh... Samsung Galaxy 4 MINI (with memory upgrade) has been booked... And, uh, weightlifting chalk, speed skipping rope, and wrist wraps (which as sorely needed...) Hrm...
The accommodation people... This year is the first year they have provided a proper 'accommodation account' apparently. Instead of.. Expecting Mummy and Daddy to pay the full year costs in advance, one can only suppose. They undercharged me moving in costs by $100 and when I notified them of that they undercharged me still further... There comes a point at which they are accountable for their own stupidity - yes?
I... Can't seek assistance for costs when I'm not charged for costs.
I don't know what to say.
I feel guilty.
Should I??
Probably/
I should be buying clothes... And I'm investing in speed skipping ffs...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 18, 2014, at 0:08:51
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on February 18, 2014, at 0:01:29
oh...
because here is the thing: I have loss of faith in mac product.
2 pop ups from the mac game store (when the mac game store application was not launched)
the mac app store incessantly launching google chrome (when safari is the default mac browser and firefox is stipulated (by me) to be (my) default browser)
the mac genius people not being conversent in english and insisting I phone them
(even after I accepted defeat by saying I had a disability that made phone problematic)
Still insisting I phone them...
I have loss of faith in mac product.
Before all that... I would have invested 2x the price for my fingerprint recognition and been extremely happy with it.
now... it isn't worth the cost. not with the mac people (who are supposed to protect me) being the spammers.
f*ck you mac.
samsung: i'll invest in you.
and i'll invest my time in linux.
f*ck you mac.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 1, 2014, at 13:38:12
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on February 18, 2014, at 0:01:29
I am completely conflicted about the Android/Mac smartphone options. I bail on just about every "allow/don't allow" choices. I have an iPad, considered a mobile device, and a Samsung Galaxy smartass phone. Not completely in love with either. The Samsung does not crash as the iPad does, mid application. Depending on what I want to do, I am even ambivalent about browsers. Some of them are so heavily influenced by advertisers now that I truly don't trust search results.
I know that you will find your niche in the social puzzle ground that is uni. It must be incredibly stressful to have to put yourself out there. I would be cocooned up in a duvet and eating ramen noodles. Showering only if I had to go to class. But I am in a pit of despair, actually, right now. Don't give a sh*t how I look. Today I am wearing green and red, a la Grinch, because they offer the right level of comfort. Don't sink to my level. You are my beacon of hope.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2014, at 19:46:59
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by Partlycloudy on March 1, 2014, at 13:38:12
hey. i'm sorry to hear that things are still rocky with you and your so... i'm not sure where things are at - but i do want you to know that i support you with whatever you do. whether you stay... whether you go... whatever. it is hard to know what is best for you... but i'm here. mostly.
:)
i ended up setting up a new gmail account and working out filters to set up forwarding from my old account. i guess the idea is i'll check it less frequently. along the way... i looked into more of the settings options etc. google actually has pretty good explanations about various options etc. i started to feel a bit better. understanding why things are set the way they are, being able to change aspects of that (to get the minimal look i was after). feeling... better about google now.
feeling better about my phone, too, now that i'm getting the hang of the settings there, too. i think a huge part of it is about control... i want to know (in a way i can understand) what it is up to. partly because i want to keep a track on usage costs because i'm on a budget. partly because i want to keep things minimal. partly because i invested a lot in it... and i want it to help my life run smoother not complicate it up in unnecessary ways.
it really is useful for grocery lists. and keeping track of spending (with the calculator etc). that is very useful indeed, and i never really envisaged that utility. i thought i'd get into the voice control... but actually... i like it to be silent, basically. then have it close enough to feel / hear it vibrate. i think i want one of those leather wallet cases for it so i can keep a couple cards and a bill or two... that's about all i need in my wallet, anyway... and i'm used to carrying my wallet around... i don't think they design them for my phone, though. and i think it is a little wider than the i-phone. sigh. the flip cover is kinda cool... but it would be better to replace my wallet...
i probably would be eating ramen noodles if i didn't have a slow cooker ha!
so autumn has just begun. the weather has started cooling off a little in the evening (starting to want to shut my window a little). a little bit of briskness in the air... classes start tomorrow... lots of second and third year students about today buying their books etc (avoiding the mass of first years last week)...
the undergrad place i started out at I think around 1/4 of the student population were 'mature' (25 or over). it is very common for solo parents to return to uni study when their kids hit school age - or even more common for women to return once their kids hit high school age (when they don't need to be home for them after school) whether they are solo parent or not. and then there are all the career change people wanting to move from a trade to something more professional... lots of them in law and computer science and psychology...
everyone loved them. because they were study focused, generally pleasant (not caring about appearing 'cool' / afraid of being seen associating with people who might be perceived as 'uncool'), hardworking etc. they tended to do well. their main problem was lack of confidence (and potentially in thinking it can't be as simple as it actually is so their convincing themself that this other things must be going on... but it isn't).
here... i think there are less mature students. but we will see. the students present during orientation week are not representative. they are mostly the first year students in the halls (18 year old school leavers). the chemistry class is actually fairly small... only 2 lab times for it... so no more than 60 people... i am cautiously optimistic about meeting good people in that class... people who are new to science / chem... who have the maturity to actually take this class (instead of going gung-ho into organic chem as i was initially going to do).
i've done my pre-reading for this week and... uh... things move at a fairly rapid pace. math for this week: scientific notion. significant figures. rounding. all for the purpose of: calculating density. there is a lot more math further in... but that is it for this week. i think i'll timetable myself time to do that website math... and keep that ticking along in the background... just do it by time spent...
I'm excited about class. Has been too long :)
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 2, 2014, at 8:23:46
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2014, at 19:46:59
Thanks. It is a tough road for me. We are starting to getting into the land of tall tales and just who is crazy. I thought I won the prize long ago, but it would seem not. He is making up some incredible factoids, and my tummy just keeps clenching as the stories come tumbling out.
Really, really sad.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 2, 2014, at 23:52:36
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by Partlycloudy on March 2, 2014, at 8:23:46
i guess he is panicking a bit... trying to scare you into staying, or something. i don't know. maybe you could take a trial run? separate for a prearranged period of time. 6 months or something. then reassess things. you could let him take you on dates during that time maybe. lol. i honestly don't know.
i had class today. it was weird. first years. all the little first years. and this is a class for people with no background... so... often times the ones who were not particularly dilligent in school. sigh. there were loads more people than i thought.. couple hundred, i'd say. i think something different is going on with the labs than i thought... they are split into pods... maybe the lab is more of a whole floor and each pod is more of a classroom than a bench (as i'd envisaged). anyway... we will see...
only half a lecture today... i'm well ahead... but some trouble with density calculations...
or maybe not... i'm given a number in cm3 and i'm meant to give the answer in cm-3. and i'm not quite sure what to do with this... if i was meant to give the answer in mL (m-3) i'd understand... I think mL = m-3... Or maybe it was mL=cm3??? But even then... AAAARGH. units are tricky buggers.
i need to photocopy the rest of a chapter from a textbook and work through that... the textbook is... wonderful. pitched at just the right level for me and explains things in a way i find straightforward. i forget just how... much of a verbal learner i am... they have this really well designed website, too, which is helpful... but less text. more learning by problems. i don't like being asked to solve things i haven't been given the information to solve :( it is another way of learning, i guess... i'll get used to it -- and it does display nicely and function really well on my android.
and... they run organic chemistry for next year in much the same way, so i best get used to their style of teaching.
:)
so many people... this uni is... around 2x the size of any other i've spent much time at. people are packed outside the lecture theatres waiting for the last lot to come out... i wonder how much things will ease off over the next two weeks?? i mgiht head back tonight for some more photocopying... i wonder how busy things will be at this time of night...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2014, at 21:17:14
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on March 2, 2014, at 23:52:36
the evening turned out to be wonderful.
there is a little bit of a bite to the air... deja vu back to my undergraduate days...
the thing was... i did one year part time. the year i did dbt. i did two papers each semester - whereas a full time workload is twice that. one philosophy and one psychology. i was scared of psychology... because of the stats. and i ended up doing really very well in all my papers... and making some good friends...
then the next year was very full on. psychology pulled this trick where they ran a bunch of year 2 modules where a module was half a course and about 2/3 of the work. so i had 3 modules each semester and two year 3 philosophy papers each semester - or something equally ridiculous... but me and my mates... we pulled through. worked out assess off... and pulled through with A's (well, me and one other) and the odd B+ for the other two who didn't care / work quite as much.
so i'm thinking: the same again. this will be the same again. part time this year. i'll make some good friends and work hard and build up my confidence... then we will haul each other through next year. so... the mission is two-fold: to get A's in my papers this year (which will be pretty darned hard since i don't know 'basic rules' like 1 divided by an exponent produces a negative number - go figure why the f*ck that is or how the f*ck that got into density calculations-still figuring this out) and: to make some friends who are good study people who are ALSO going to be doing bio-med next year. if at all possible...
the weather was brisk last night... there was only one other person in the short loan libarary (where they put the text-books). silence... dark... traffic zipping by and people bustling... they have bean bags which are perfect for moving about and remaining comfortable... tired... that feeling... all the world's a dream... feeling sleep deprived and like the text is flowing through my brain after the odd swirl rather than sinking in but 'better than nothing: you learn more than you think just by going through the motions sometimes'. learning chemistry, i am.
happy.
:)
i'm going to have to identify with being Maaori / Pacific Islander, i think. they have loads of extra help tutorials with free pizza and i need all the help i can get. i met the tutor. he was very helpful. that stuff about the 1/a negative exponent. i was, like 'are you sure that isn't a typo?' 'why can't that just be a typo?' but no... it is more complicated than i thought...
i need to look into it some more... (it actually looks like i can just ignore the units really and simply replace cm-3 with mL as the unit -- but i'd really like to understand. is it... because meters is the fundamental unit of length and thus a measurement in cm3 / mL is -3? if so... that would make me VERY F*CK*NG HAPPY INDEED)
our lecturer froze an egg today with liquid nitrogen. and wrecked some flowers. it was pretty cool. i think it might be wise to sit a few back from the very front.
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on March 5, 2014, at 1:15:49
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2014, at 21:17:14
well... i'm still enrolled in bio-med. which makes me happy. i thought at some point they changed my enrollment to physiology... not entirely sure why... but it makes a difference to me. even though none of my courses for this year will count towards that major.. it makes a difference. i can tell people i'm doing a foundation year for bio-med. instead of i'm doing physiology but hoping to transfer...
reading more chemistry... it is interesting. heaps of stuff i never knew... stuff about oil drilling and mining and how to (in four simple steps) ensure a lucrative processing plant. lol. stuff about the nitrogen cycle and the water cycle... stuff... it is pretty interesting, yeah. part of... being educated. knowing about stuff. pretty sure that the modern atomic theory of matter and evolution by natural selection are meant to be the two main, revolutionary, theories of the conception of the natural world that any educated person must know. according to Dennett... Or Searle... or some philosopher or other. and so i guess it must be true, ha.
i found a nice app that has 3-d organic structures in ball and stick form and it rotates them about. helpful. i found a surgery app, too, but it kept freezing so i gave up. pretty sad about that.
it seems to be all about the website, really... will get stuck into a day of it tomorrow...
the chemistry building seems weirdly... industrial. perhaps mostly because it is an old building and parts are being demolished or massively renovated for a new monstrosity of a building that will be finished within my undergrad lifetime. lots of construction... but even that aside... there is something weirdly industrial feeling about it all. heavy metals and pollution and... f*ck knows quite what. i'm not sure how i feel about any of it... pouring liquid nitrogen on the bench and watching it evaporate (i think?) off was cool. but seeing the flowers be snap frozen and crushed was... just kinda wrong.
bracing myself for ratios and proportions. here. we. come.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 6:47:54
In reply to Re: a better life, posted by alexandra_k on March 5, 2014, at 1:15:49
My sister went into chemistry as her major as uni, and she really enjoyed the precise-ness of it. (Be careful of too many repetitive small motions, such as with pipettes. She eventually developed carpal tunnel problems.) but again, that was her main focus. Being able to read a chain of letters and numbers on a screen and understanding the molecular structure was like, well, alchemy to me, the little sister.
I hope you find it interesting, a challenge, and enjoy it as part of furthering towards your goal. Your post obviously struck a chord with me today.
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